L.A.B.I.A sat around the table in their top-secret headquarters. The room was pitch black with only the glow of the candles on the table and the blue hue of the Ood's eyes providing any light.
The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude looked at his three underlings. "It appears you have all failed to kill the Doctor. When people fail me I get angry. And when I get angry I get a tummy ache. And when I get a tummy ache you must all be punished."
"But, The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude, we tried our best!" Madame Kovarian protested.
"Silence!" The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude shouted. "From now on their shall be no TV privileges for any of you. If any of you break this rule you will get a spanked bottom."
"That sounds sexual." Kovarian said.
"It's not sexual! Not everything has something to do with sex! Am I making myself very clear?"
"Clear about what? The 'punishment' or the sexual thing?"
"BOTH!"
"As clear as mud, sir."
"Now, because of your failures, we will have to resort to Plan E."
"Plan E? Don't we have to do plan B, C and D first?"
"That's the beauty of Plan E, Madame Kovarian. It's so freaking epic it skips over plan B, C and D. Now to put Plan E in motion…."
The door at the end of the room suddenly opened. Heavy footsteps could be heard stooping into the room as the intruder entered.
"Would you and your friends like some ham sandwiches, dear?"
"No Gran, we're fine." The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude said.
"Oh, it's far too dark in here." The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude's Gran said as she pulled back the curtains and flooded the entire room with sunlight (although The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude was still shrouded in unexplainable darkness) . "If you and your little friends are going to use the living room for your little club meetings then you could at least keep it bright in here!"
The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude groaned. "Look Gran, we don't…."
"I! WOULD!LIKE!A!HAM!SANDWICH!" Davros said.
"Of course dearie." The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude's Gran said as she left for the kitchen.
"Stupid Gran." The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude mumbled.
"Can't we just draw the curtains again?" Kovarian asked.
"No, she'd ground me for a week."
"MY!BURNS!REALLY!HURT!" Davros said. "CAN!WE!PLEASE!GO!TO!A!BURN!WARD!"
"For the last time Davros, we've been over this. We don't have time for that!" The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude said.
"BUT!THE!NEAREST!BURN!WARD!IS!JUST!DOWN!THE!ROAD!"
"Oh shut up. Third degree burns over ninety per cent of your body can't hurt that much. All you are is an attention whore."
"So what's Plan E?" Kovarian asked in a bored tone. "Do we cover the Doctor in sugar and dump him on the Planet of the Hyperactive Children?"
"Don't be silly." The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude said. "That's Plan F. This is Plan E." He pulled a dome-shaped gizmo with lots of flashy lights on it seemingly out of nowhere.
"This is a Time Scoop." He explained. "It will kill the Doctor."
"How?" Kovarian asked.
"I'm not sure how. But the man, woman, robot, alien, organisation or cosmic horror that gave me this assures me that it will."
"Why are you being so vague about who gave this to you?"
"I'm trying to create a sense of mystery! Anyway, this Time Scoop is modified Time Lord technology, therefore it can only be activated by the voice of a Time Lord. And seeing as how Rassilon won't cooperate….."
"That's because he's still made of stone you idiot!" Kovarian shouted as she pointed at Rassilon. He was still made of stone and in his melodramatic pose. They had managed to awkwardly balance the statue atop one of the chairs.
"Huh. Really? I was wondering why he wasn't talking to me. I thought we was just being rude."
Kovarian facepalmed.
"Would you like a can of Coke, dear?" The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude's Gran shouted from the kitchen.
"I!PREFER!PEPSI!" Davros replied.
"Okay, dearie!"
"Anyway," The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude said in an annoyed tone, "I have a cunning plan."
"This should be good." Kovarian deadpanned.
The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude ignored her and continued. "Through five to ten minutes of backbreaking research, I have complied a list of the Doctor's favourite and most uttered words. If he uses any of them near the Time Scoop, it will activate!"
The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude produced a PDF and pressed a button on it. A robotic voice read out the Doctor's favourite and most uttered words:
Five: "Geronimo."
Four: "Scrabble."
Three: "Bowties."
Two: "Are."
One: "Timmynoggy."
"It's genius!" The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude said. "Genius I say! What do you think, Rassilon?"
Rassilon said nothing.
"There's no need to be so rude, Rassilon. If you don't like my plan, you could just say so."
Suddenly, the TARDIS materialised in front of the living room's window. The Doctor, Sophie, Mark and Clucky stepped out of the blue box. The Doctor was wearing a new hat; an ectoplasmic sombrero. For once his companions weren't rolling their eyes at the Doctor's new hat; properly because they were in agreement with him that ectoplasmic sombreros were fucking awesome.
"Hmmm, seems familiar." The Doctor wondered out loud. "I've been here before. But when? Oh well, I'm sure I'll find out. Sophie, keep one of them in eyeshot at all times."
The blonde girl dramatically cocked her stolen revolver.
"Ah, Doctor." The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude said. "Prepare for a surprise attack! L.A.B.I.A. use Attack Pattern Bravo now!"
"What's Attack Pattern Bravo?" Kovarian asked.
"Didn't you read the seven hundred page manual I gave you all? It would only have took a few minutes to read through! Attack Pattern Bravo is when you all fight to the death and I bravely run away!"
The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude's Gran walked into the room again and gave Davros his snacks. She saw the TARDIS crew. "Are these friends of yours?" She asked her grandson.
"Yes Gran now go away!"
"No television for you tonight!"
"But…"
"That's final!" The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude's Gran left the room again.
"Well, I hope you're happy Doctor." The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude grumbled.
The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude leaped to his feet and ran out a back door with his Ood servant. "You shall never catch The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude!" He shouted.
"That joke is getting really old!" Mark shouted back.
Clucky suddenly launched herself at Davros. She kept pecking at his burns. During Davros' screams of pain, Madame Kovarian got to her feet and ran towards Sophie. Sophie promptly shot her in the leg. The Silence operative fell and smacked her head on a corner of the table. Finally, Mark pushed Rassilon off his chair. The heavy statue fell on Mark's left foot and really hurt. But not the deadly kind of hurt; more of the annoying type of hurt.
"Keep the noise down!" The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude's Gran shouted from the kitchen.
The Doctor produced a length of rope from his tweed jacket.
"You just happened to have that on you?" Mark asked as he raised an eyebrow.
"Yep."
The TARDIS crew tied up Kovarian, Davros and Rassilon with the rope. Tying up Rassilon was kind of pointless but this apparently never occurred to any of them.
"Clucky, stay here and guard them." The Doctor said.
Clucky made a few noises.
"No, you can't keep pecking at Davros' burns. That's just needlessly cruel!"
Clucky made a few more sounds.
"Watch your language!"
"'Ere Doc-tah, wot's that then?" Sophie pointed at the Time Scoop on the table.
"By Omega's golden Scrabble board!" The Doctor exclaimed. "I think that timmynoggy is a Time Scoop from Gallifrey!"
The Time Scoop began glowing very faintly as the Doctor, Sophie and Mark ran past it and out the back door into a corridor with a staircase and the door to the basement in it. The basement door slowly opened and a severely pale and malnutritioned Professor Snape stumbled out.
"Man…..in…..basement…..took…my….innocent." Snape said before collapsing in a heap on the floor.
"Mark, do you have any medical training?" The Doctor asked his companion.
"No." Mark replied. "But if it's convenient for the story I guess I could."
"Then stay here and look after this man. Me and Sophie will go upstairs and confront The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude."
The Doctor and Sophie dashed upstairs, leaving Mark behind to pull a new skill out of his ass.
The Doctor and Sophie found The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude, along with his blue-eyed Ood servant, in a room that was empty except for a ladder leading up to the roof and a single bare lightbulb. The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude was still shrouded in inexplicable darkness.
"You may think you have me cornered, Doctor." The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude said. "But I am actually not cornered at all. I am completely un-cornered in fact! You could go so far as to say that I am not even near a corner. Perhaps I am covered in corner repellent? Or perhaps I am the Devil of the corner religion? I could even commit genocide against the corners. That's how un-cornered I am!"
"Oh, shut up ya bleeding wanker!" Sophie interrupted The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude's ramblings.
"For you see, my Ood servant here is possessed by," The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude paused for dramatic effect, "THE INTERNET ITSELF!"
The Ood suddenly assaulted the Doctor and Sophie with its immense psychic powers. Thousands of images flashed in front of their eyes; spam, porn, lolcats, porn, Youtube clips, porn, ponies, porn, rule 34, porn, stupid questions on yahoo answers, porn, Wikipedia articles, porn, memes, porn, two girls one cup, porn, TV tropes, porn, Facebook, porn, Twitter, porn, emails, porn, awful fanfictions, porn, disturbing fanfictions, porn, this fanfiction, porn, guides on cannibalism and porn.
"Cor blimey Doc-tah looks at all that blooming porn!" Sophie yelled.
"Try to ignore it!" The Doctor shouted as he tried to ignore the searing pain in his head that Sophie must have been feeling too.
"I'll try….'ere look at that funny cat!"
With all this mental and physical strength, the Doctor reached into his pocket and produced his sonic screwdriver. Desperately trying to ignore the advice on how to best cook a human arm flashing before his eyes, he used the screwdriver's sonic waves and caused the lightbulb above them to explode.
The sound and light of the lightblub exploding disoriented the Ood for a few precious seconds. The Doctor took advantage of this by running up to the alien and headbutting it. The Ood fell to the floor, unconscious, and the Doctor fell to the floor himself and grasped his forehead.
"Arggh! No one wins with a headbutt! Why did I even do that? That was a bit out of character for me."
The Doctor crawled over to Sophie and checked her. She was conscious but was rapidly mumbling about funny cats and how bloody entertaining they were. She seemed to be unharmed and would most likely be fine in a few minutes.
The Doctor climbed up the ladder and found himself on the flat roof of the house. The surrounding town seemed oddly familiar. The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude was standing on the other side of the roof.
"Well, then." The Doctor said as he adjusted his ectoplasmic sombrero and approached The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude. "Looks like you're cornered."
"No you!" The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude retorted.
"Really? That's the best you can come up with? Who are you?"
"Your greatest nightmare!"
"I meant in a literal sense, not in the figurative sense."
"Oh, right. Well then Doctor; prepare to see the face of your greatest nemesis to date!"
The inexplicable darkness surrounding The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude disappeared and the Doctor saw who he was.
"It's you!" The Doctor exclaimed. "A man, woman, robot, alien, organisation or cosmic horror that I have met before!"
NEXT TIME ON THE NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION"….
The Impossibly Handsome Talented Charming And All Around Super Awesome Dude's identity is revealed!
Knife versus Rubik's Cube!
Sandwiches for everyone!
Some faces from the Doctor's past!
A giant beetle from nowhere!
ALL THIS AND MORE ON THE NEXT NOT-SO-EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF "DOCTOR WHO AND THE SLIGHTLY RUBBISH FANFICTION!"