Therapy as a whole had been a new realm for him. Eli was never one to willingly jump at the chance to let others into his mindset. In theory, that inability had been one of the largest contributors in leading him down this path. He knew he had faced enough upset for a lifetime at such a young age but he needed to find the proper tools to combat whatever was thrown at him. Whether that came by way of medication or weekly sessions with a therapist, Eli had finally reached a point in his life where he was able to say with conviction that he needed to change. His biggest fear was that all the progress he had been making would some how become undone. In the back of his mind, he always worried he would make the wrong move in some aspect of his life. He knew his concerns were all imaginary but it wasn't something he could simply will away. He would always bear the scars his condition and life as a whole left upon him. The voice in his head would always be there to remind him of what he had once been. Eli hoped he would never lose sight of his main goal. He wanted to be happy and free from such plaguing thoughts. He knew it wasn't an outlandish dream. The likelihood of acquiring and maintaining peace of mind was in the realm of possible for him. All he needed to do was focusing on getting better. His condition would never go away but it could be stabilized to the point where he could live a good life.
Had it been a few years ago, Eli wouldn't think he was worthy of such a thing. Back then, he was quick to accept his misfortune and fed into the notion that he truly deserved the aftermath of those life changing events. He had come a long way since the and he felt a sense of pride course through him as he mulled it over from time to time. Now he felt reassured and confident with the fact he had the means to carry on. As he learned over time, it wasn't about forgetting rather not allowing the past to mandate or dictate the future. It still shook him a bit. He knew he wouldn't be safe in putting every ounce of trust into his current state. Life always threw him a curveball when he least expected it and Eli figured it'd be best to stay on his toes. Still, he did seek comfort in knowing that he was getting better. It was a change that he felt each and everyday, one that others could see as well. That was the best part for him. When others touched based on how he had altered, it was like gaining an added bit of confidence that it wasn't all in his head-like other things seemed to be. His body language and general outlook on life had changed for the better and Eli didn't have any plans to ruin it. He had waited far too long and put in far too much time and effort to allow himself to fall off course now.
He had all he could possibly want and then some these days. He had the right collection of loved ones who were always in his corner, rooting for him day in and day out. He would never be able to express his gratitude fully but he knew they understood just how much it meant to him. Having the support of those he cared most about was something that brought on an onslaught of emotions for him. It left him dumbfounded most days. He had a great deal of setbacks but Eli was aware of the fact he was blessed in other regards as was the case with his friends and family. They were the driving force behind his desire to get well. He wanted to make them proud as well as himself. They had invested a lot of their time and attention to make sure Eli would remain stable. He had already disappointed so many people before. The thought of doing that again was completely ruled out as he vowed to himself once he started this new game plan of sorts. He wouldn't miss a single doseage nor would he skip out on any appointments. While daunting at first, Eli had grown used to this whole routine now. At this point in his recovery, it was almost hard to think of why he'd been so scared in the first place. He liked the feeling of having a clear mind. Smiles no longer felt foreign on his lips and happiness wasn't an emotion he had to fake as it was real.
During the time he had deemed his personal version of the Dark Ages, he had gotten so lost. It didn't seem possible then for him to get his life back in order. he had succummed to the part of him that said it was okay to lose hope, to give up any chance of getting out of such despair. He caved effortlessly, deciding that lifestyle was one not only suited for him but deserved. The pain he'd caused others was one he almost had to punish himself for. It was essentially a masochistic mentality. Eli allowed those feelings to expand and grow when he should have been cutting off the source. In the end, he was able to grab a hold of the reigns but it took him hitting rock bottom to do so. If he could change anything about his circumstance, it would be the timing of his decisions. He waited too long to correct his obvious flaws and apparent wrongs. It bugged him a bit to present day but he knew the main thing that mattered now was the fact he'd been able to reach this point in his life. No longer would he be a victim of his own mind, he'd be the savior of sorts. He had the power now to ensure he wouldn't become as far gone as he had in the past. After seeing the effect his actions had on others, Eli had essentially been scared straight. He didn't want to be the source behind anyone's anguish, least of all the people he loved most.
With this newfound sense of reason intact, he was seeing his life for what it truly was. Instead of feeling down and out, he was ready for whatever might have been coming next. It surely wasn't easy but it was definitely worth whatever he had to endure. In actuality, Eli had grown fond of his therapy sessions. It enabled him to free his mind and rid himself of thoughts and concerns he could do without. He was always open and honest, deeming that the only way to truly get better and stay better. It was intimidating when he first started out. Having this person there who was so determined to understand the structure of his mind was offsetting. He was afraid of what she'd find and subsequently what others might have thought of her conclusions. In the end, his worry was for naught as everyone he knew jumped on board to help him. It meant a great deal and now Eli felt almost happy when a new week rolled around and he'd be given the chance to sit on the couch and talk. He could go on for the entire session if he were feeling up to it. Every now and then, they'd hit a snag and Eli would reach moments where he didn't feel like talking. Sometimes the subject matter would be too much for him. The best part of all was that he had the power on how far a discussion would go. If he decided to cut it short and revisit another time, his therapist allowed him to do so.
As he stood in the doorway of her office, Eli peered inside as he always did and smiled warmly at the woman. He had been in this space several times but he always followed the same protocol. He waited for her to call him completely. As usual, she was sat in her leather chair, the material looking extremely uncomfortable. Her legs were crossed at her ankles and on top her lap sat a legal pad. Her pen was at the ready, hovering over the page and eager to jot down anything he said. Eli chewed on his lower lip as she waved him over. He nodded once and closed the door behind him as he entered the office. The space looked more like a person's living room. Thick curtains hung about and the colour on the walls was warm. A fake tree sat beside his predestined seat and the glass coffee table remained bare, allowing Eli to see straight through to the dark carpet. As he crossed the room, he smiled once more at her. "Good morning," he greeted as she ushered him to take a seat. Eli did as he was silently instructed, sitting perched on the edge as he looked up at her. She was a nice woman, never making Eli feel awkward or unsure of himself. She greeted him as well and drew in a breath, looking down at her legal pad before setting the timer. With that simple act, Eli sat back and prepared himself for the next two hours.
She scribbled something down, Eli focusing on the sound of pen meeting paper. The scratching noise seemed to distinct, amplified in his ears as he waited for her to start. "So, how are you feeling today? What's new with you?" They were standard questions that aimed to have an introduction into his current mindset. Things in Eli's life were going swimmingly and he couldn't help the smile that overtook his face then as she asked him those two very basic questions. He liked days such as this where he could come in with good news right off the bat. It set the tone more or less for how the session would go. A smirk played at his lips just then as he placed his hands on his lap and looked to Dr. Rivers. He nodded once before he spoke. "I'm great, actually. Probably more than that if you can believe it," he joked. "Things have gotten a thousand times better since we last spoke. Clare and I are back together after putting in weeks and weeks worth of groundwork. It took a while but we're finally where I knew we'd always be." As he talked, he noted Dr. Rivers jotting down something but he didn't think too much on it. Instead he contiued speaking and left her to take whatever notes she saw fit. "A part of me always knew we'd get back together because she and I are meant to be but it still worried me that she couldn't see that. I tried everything I could to make sure this time was different and it seemed to work well enough.
"I've changed a lot and so has she, but for the better, you know? We're not the same people we were when things went bad the first time around. We've grown up and matured…it's clear to see," he said softly. Eli furrowed his eyebrows for a moment, unsure of where his train of thought was leading off to just then. He relaxed his features quickly, his face returning to the calm mask he typically wore but from Dr. Rivers' body language, he could tell his slight change in demeanor didn't go unnoticed. "What's troubling you?" she asked, her pen at the ready once more. Eli's mouth twisted to one side as he tried to decide how to answer. He hadn't been tihs happy in a long time yet now he felt anxious. He ran a hand through his hair, a trademark quirk that indicated he was feeling skeptical about his current situation. He bit his tongue as he mulled it over. "I guess the only trouble is not knowing what lies ahead. I realize that's a bit imprudent but I can't completely shake the notion that something might go wrong over time. I know I would never jeoparadize what we have, especially after experiencing time apart." Eli shook his head and sighed lightly. "We both carry that fear although I wish we didn't. She's seen first hand what it's like when a relationship goes past the point of repair. It scares her and I think my fear is born out of hers," he said slowly as he pieced it all together in his mind. His whole speech was delivered with his eyes fixed on the ground. It wasn't until he was done that he peered up at the woman across from him.
She took notes and in the pause before she spoke, Eli could hear the silent whirling of the timer as it spun around, signaling the seconds that passed between them. She clicked the top of her pen and met his gaze. "Perhaps it's best not to dwell on uncertainty to this degree. No one knows the future, Eli. We're simply not meant to know what's in store and weighing yourself with that level of worry will only hurt you in the end." Eli's eyes narrowed slightly as he listened to her wise words. It was in fact true. The future was never set in stone nor could one person ever truly hold the knowledge of what might have come next. As a person, one could only live day to day and hope the actions they carried out would prove to be beneficial in the long run. If one were to know the future, life would be lived so meticulously it probably wouldn't even be a life worth living. Eli chewed on his lower lip as he put more thought into what she had said. He nodded to himself, allowing the words to sink in and take hold of him. He needed to be cautious of this fact. All he could do now at this point was be there for Clare as he had always been in the past. He hated the idea of her worrying and being nervous but he knew, or truly believed, that he could somehow step in and ease her troubled mind. A tenative smile bubbled onto his lips then and Eli clapped his hands together once. "You're absolutely correct," was all he said.
The rest of the session went by smoothly with Eli branching off into other aspects of his life he felt like discussing such as school, friends, and his writing. Eli was fond of those subjects because they held great importance to him. He had been doing well in school and meeting new people. Growing up he had always kept to himself but now it seemed he was acquiring new friends after every turn. It caught him off guard at first but he supposed it was just the new influx of people to his life that raised his eyebrows a bit. Now it was something he was not only used to but grateful for. It was nice having more people to turn to and hang out with instead of spending his time as a recluse. He told Dr. Rivers about every facet of his life other people probably would have labeled unimportant but when it came to therapy, no detail was too small to discuss. He got feedback and advice as the session went along. Just as he had run out of things to say, the timer went off with a loud ding. Dr. Rivers set her legal pad on the end table and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Well, that's all the time we have for today. How do you feel about the session?" Eli glanced at the timer then back to her. "It was really good. We tackled a lot, huh?" he asked rhetorically with a smile. He let out a deep sigh as he rose to his feet slowly.
He stood a few feet away from her before crossing the room. He stopped once he reached the door, his hand grasping the gold knob for a moment. "Thanks for everything…not just this session but for every other before and those to come. You've helped me a lot." Eli looked down at the floor, his body angled slightly to her. "Anyway, I'll see you next week then, yeah?" He smiled once more and left her then, not bothering to note her reaction. As he made his way back into the main hall, his fingertips skimmed across the expanse of the wall as he walked slowly. He could feel the grainy material of the wallpaper on his skin as he continued his journey to the lobby. Once out into the open area, he saw his dad sitting in the waiting area with a magazine open before him. Eli smiled at the image. Bullfrog looked so out of place with his leather jacket and earrings sitting two seats away from a man in a suit and tie. Eli liked the originality of his dad. He was here for his son and it didn't matter if he stuck out like a sore thumb. Eli walked over to him. "Look at you reading. Kudos to you, Bullfrog. I'm most impressed," he joked. Bullfrog rolled his eyes and rose from his seat, tossing the magazine aside. Eli could see it was a recent issue of Time.
"It's no Rolling Stone but it did the trick. So, how was the session, kiddo?" Bullfrog asked as they headed for the doors. Eli glanced at him before speaking. "As usual, it was pretty good. We went over a ton mostly about Clare and school, nothing new there, right?" he laughed. Eli stuffed his hands in his pockets as the wind lashed against him. A chill ran through him but he ignored it as he made his way to the car. Once the door was unlocked, he settled in against the seat and waited for Bullfrog to start the engine. His head rested against the top of the seat just like he had done on their drive over. His eyes closed as the car became filled once more with the sounds of Solid Rock 98 and Bullfrog's voice as he spoke to him again. "Well, I'm happy to hear things are still going so good. I'm proud of you." Eli opened his eyes then and looked over to his dad. Eli smiled softly to himself. The Goldsworthy guys weren't big on emotions but when the subject matter was about something this serious, they could put their pride aside and call attention to what they were thinking. Eli's mind rand back to the premiere night of Love Roulette. While everyone was praising his performance his parents could see that it wasn't an act but a cry for help. The talk they had onstage after the lights dimmed and the audience faded away was one of their most heartfelt moments. Eli nodded in agreement. "Don't worry, Dad. The only direction I'll be moving in is forward."