Chapter Note: I don't own it, I wish I did but I'll play with the characters for now. ;-)
Chapter 2: All Fall Down
All Fall Down: Performed by OneRepublic
Step out the door and it feels like rain
That's the sound (that's the sound) on your window pane
Take to the streets but you can't ignore
That's the sound (that's the sound) you're waiting for
If ever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
That's where you'll find me
Yeah God love your soul and your aching bones
Take a breath, take a step, meet me down below
Everyone's the same
our fingers to our toes
We just can't get it right
But we're on the road
If ever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
That's when you find me.
(Yeah) Lost till you're found
Swim till you drown
Know that we all fall down
Love till you hate
Strong till you break
Know that we all fall down
BPOV
Another day has come. I lay on the bed, my eyes closed, and focusing on my breathing. In and out, in and out. The ache begins in my heart, as always, and slowly seeps into my lungs, crushing them, grating them, causing rips and tears, so that even when I breath it leaks out from the jagged holes. Still I continue my mantra, in and out, in and out. Next the pain moves into my sides, it's a mixture of feeling as if I'm being kicked repeatedly in the ribs and someone crushing them from the inside. My fingers jerk involuntarily as I continue to force myself to breath, my knees curl up to my chest, as if the motion could provide some relief here. Yet, I welcome this pain. It is my only reminder that they, that he, ever existed. It comes in short bursts at first, and I bite down on my lower lip to keep from crying out. The pain comes in longer bursts, each worse than the one before. In and out, in and out. It will subside soon, I must ride this out and soon it will fade away, as he has also faded away. As the pain reaches it's peak, I try to remember his perfect, godlike face, his bell voice, his touch, his kiss. The blurred memories of his kisses bring the molten pain to its height and it slowly begins to fade. My lungs again hold air, and the pain is now a slow ache, but more manageable. I survived another onslaught.
I timidly opened my eyes, and am blinded by the bright sun streaking through the curtains. Thankfully, today is graduation. School will be at an end, and I will have fewer people to go through the motions for. Gradually, I resolve myself to sit up, dress, and go to the ceremony. There is no desire to do any of these things, only the desire to lie here, ceasing to exist, and allow the pain to take me. Charlie will be at the ceremony today, so I must make myself move.
I go through the motions, shower, brush my teeth, and dress, before shuffling downstairs. The kitchen is empty, Charlie has left hours ago for the station. He's left a note on the table:
Bells,
Make sure you eat something before heading to graduation. I'll be heading out with Billy for fishing after.
I sat down in at the table, not feeling hungry. Everything seemed to make my stomach churn and slosh. For months Charlie had tried to break through my zombie-like exterior, even threatening to send me to Jacksonville. In an attempt to get him to back off I had gone to a movie with Jessica and discovered how to recreate his voice. Afterwards, I had chased after the voice, doing crazy and stupid things like riding motorcycles with Jake out in La Push, hanging out with werewolves, or cliff diving – alone. It was the cliff diving that made me shudder as I remembered my near-death experience as the current and crashing waves had buried me in the water, the voice the begged me to fight, and the fire red hair coming towards me. Before the cliff diving, before Victoria had returned, Jake and I had spent every day together. While the pain still engulfed me at night, it was easier during the day and I found myself almost happy. Then Victoria came and all that changed, now Jake and the pack were patrolling, looking for Victoria and keeping me safe.
I wanted to spit the words – keep me safe. They were ugly, hurtful, and I deeply resented it whenever they were mentioned. He left in part because my safety jeopardized his family, it was because I wasn't safe that I was not good for him. Images of the woods flashed through my mind and I gripped the edge of the table, willing them away, pushing myself above them so as not to drown in their onslaught. In and out Bella, c'mon!
With a shuddering breath, I forced myself to my feet and glanced at the clock on the wall. There was still about half an hour before we needed to arrive for graduation and it would not take me long to drive to the high-school gym. I grabbed my cap and gown and drudgingly walked to my old pickup. As the engine rumbled to life, I glanced at my reflection in the mirror and practice a wide grin. Only a few hours of pretending today, certainly I could endure a few hours. Sighing, I pulled the truck out from the driveway and drove towards the high-school.
Some hours later, I was alone again. Graduation was over; Charlie frustrated had left directly after, nodding towards me and saying, "Congratulations Bells. I'm headed out, call me if you need me." And with that, he was gone.
The crowd was filled with quick embraces, cheerful "Congratulations!" ringed throughout the air, and slowly people began to filter through the double exit doors towards the staff and student parking lots. Families made plans for celebration lunches, while the kids all talked about Jessica Stanley's graduation party later that evening.
I looked down at my feet, paying close attention to their shuffling so that I did not lose ground. One step at a time, I was moving to the exit, wanting to be free of this, to no longer have to pretend to be okay. I was so focused, I failed to hear Angela come up behind me, "Hey Bella!" she called.
Inhale Bella, and smile. Looking up at her, I plastered on my best smile and said as cheerfully as I could muster, "Hey Angela! Congratulations!" She beamed at me, but her eyes held concern.
"Hey Bella, where's Charlie?"
"Oh, he left already. But he said to tell everyone congratulations." I hoped she would not push the topic further, Angela could be relied upon to be sensitive to other's needs and respect them.
"I'm sorry he left so shortly, would you like to come to lunch with my family? My treat." At that moment, Ben came up behind her and looped an arm loosely around her slim waist. In and out, in and out.
"Uh, no. I have a few things to attend to at home. But thank you for the offer. Have a wonderful time with your families." I smiled at them, and began to turn away. I could already hear the blood rushing in my ears and did not want this to be somewhere I fell apart, in front of all these people.
"Okay, I hope to see you tonight!" she called as I pushed the large gym door open. Now I was outside and felt like I could breathe again. I took a steadying breath and began to walk towards my car.
Once inside the safe haven of my car, I began to shake. Get control Bella! Don't do this here! Determined, I turned the key over in the engine, the truck roared to life and I maneuvered through the groups of people, celebrating, hugging, and gushing over this great day. I pulled onto the street and knew where I would go. Forks glided by as I neared the edge of town, and before I knew it, I had reached the hidden drive for the Cullen house. I turned the truck onto the drive and slowly, my truck rumbled up to their front door. Taking a deep breath, I opened the door and walked towards the elegant entrance.
I knew they would not be here, logically the door should be locked, but it wasn't. The chambers clicked easily and the door swung open. As I stood in the doorway, I could still see Carlisle and Esme waiting there for the first time, welcoming me into their home. I looked to the side and could still see the piano; I remembered sitting with Ed - … him as he flawlessly played his music. On the other side I could still see Alice dancing blithely towards me, shimmering with her magic, and her chiming singing voice. I pulled myself up the stairs, I knew exactly where I wanted to go, where I could allow myself to fall apart. As I opened the door to his room, I heard the ghostly echo of Claude Debussy's Clair de lune fill my ears. The room was now empty, no more were the shelves lined with music, or the room scattered with his drawings, writings, or books. Empty. The light shone through the glass wall, illuminating the emptiness as I began to fill the familiar throbbing. Gingerly, I reached out towards the floor, sliding down to my hands and knees, crawling towards the center of the room. As the pain began to swell inside me, I gave way to the flood of happy memories here, knowing they would only amplify the ache inside me. The tears streamed down my face silently, as I gasped for air, unable to scream or even cry out. I lied in a ball, cluching my sides as the pain slowly slipped away, I clawed at it, begging it to return. Here of all places, the pain should be as infinite as the waves, carrying me out with them, allowing the release I so needed to drown myself in these memories. I wanted to scream as the pain moved further and further from my grasp. No! Stay with me! Even you leave me!
Angrily, I rose to my feet, ran down the stairs and out the front door. I slammed the door to my trunk and turned it back towards the highway. If the pain, the memories escaped me here, if I could not feel or hear him here, I knew there was only one other place to go. The meadow.
I stumbled to the meadow, finally seeing the magical clearing. I knew from previous visits that the meadow was no longer a magical place for me, yet still it called to me. Whispered enticing promises of remembrance.
As I entered the meadow, I allowed my eyes to slide closed, tilted my head up towards the soon fading sun, and inhaled the sweet fragrance. I stilled myself, listening. There was no voice, which I expected, but surely I would be able to remember him here. Over there, towards the middle, I can remember the first time I leaned in towards him, and how quickly he flitted away. Is that me, giggling now? Laughing at the memory or myself? What a fool I was, to think such a beautiful creature, someone so perfect could love me as I loved him. Angry tears built behind my eyes as I remembered his cool words in the forest, "I'm tired of pretending … I've let this go on for much too long."
The words called up so many memories, of the woods, of stumbling in the dark, of a broken promise, "It'll be as if I never existed". Yet, I stubbornly held onto his memory, sharpened only by the pain. Now, even stupid, dangerous, and reckless acts did not bring his voice back to me. I felt truly alone.
With this, I welcomed the crashing pain, the sobs, and the emptiness that threatened to consume me whole. I welcome all this, because this was my only reminder of him, the pain searing his voice, his image, into my head, not allowing it to fade away with time. Here I welcome the pain that was endless as the waves, crashing over me again and again. As I fell into a fitful sleep, I smiled, happy to have felt something. With that, I closed my eyes and the blackness took over.
It was dark outside. Oh God, I hoped this was not the forest nightmare. I remained calm and awaited the beginning of this nightmare. It was dark outside, yes, and I could feel his arms around me. I could hear his bell voice whispering, soothing me, and humming my lullaby. My body melted into his arms, my breathing was even. I felt incredibly relaxed. Then, I felt his nearness, his breath against my lips, and quickly – the brush of his lips against mine. A chill ran through me.
I knew I had to keep my eyes closed. Force myself to move to another dream. I could linger here. This dream was seductive, pulling me to a place where Edward loved me, cherished me, and held me in his arms. I knew this dream was more dangerous than any nightmare could be, I would surely pay for this dream when I awoke. The pain would be powerful, I may not be able to withstand the attack. So my eyes remained closed.
The kiss deepened, drawing me out of the protective shell, enticing me to come with it. I could feel the seductive pull, the silent command… Open your eyes, give yourself to me. Still, I remained firm in my resolve. I would not give into this dream, the pain would be beyond bearable.
Then, came the moan, born out of sheer desire and need, it ignites a white hot flame within me, I feel the shivers run from my toes, up my thighs and into the center of my stomach, causes my nipples to tighten, and a hot flash to throb in my center. The moan is my undoing. My eyes open, and he is here. I knew I would pay for this dream, but for the moment I was going to embrace him and his need that equals my own.
A/N: I'm back and I'm getting this story updated. Currently I'm going back through the already posted chapters (here on the site) and refinishing them. Once I finish with the existing chapters, I will begin posting new chapters each week, I'll be trying for Tuesdays or Wednesdays. :) I'm looking for a banner for this fic, so if you like it and are talented ... I would be ever so grateful! Reviews are better than stolen kisses from Edward, so let me know what you think and I'll send you sneak peaks! Also, make sure to go check out my story Ginnungagap - posted both here on FF and over at TWCS, and give it some love! 3