Chapter 10: Where I stood
We only stood there, looking at each other, no one moving, no one speaking. I couldn't even think of anything to say to him. How much had he heard? From the look on his face, I guessed he had heard enough, or as I though of it, way to much. Would he hate me? I could understand him if he did, who would want a girl that had done something that terrible working with him? Sure, Amanda had understood, but she had been were I was now in a way.
Then he spoke, and the words that came out of his mouth, made me take a mental double take.
"Are you all right?"
Had he really just asked me that? Yes, he had. And his face was full of concern, the mischievousness gone. Not trusting my voice yet, I just shook my head. No, I was absolutely not all right. I was as far from all right as a person can be, but I didn't say that. I had a feeling he knew somehow.
I slowly walked over to the sink, took out a glass from the kitchen cabinet and filled it to the brim with water that wasn't really cold, and downed it all at once.
"I'm OK, just not all right," I whispered as I put down the empty glass, not looking at Johnny. "I'm sorry you had to hear that, I... I..." I had no idea what to say. How to explain something like that, something I didn't really want to explain.
I turned around and looked at him, and his face was still worried. Why didn't anyone detest me for what I had done, except Jake?
"I had no where to go, that's why I came here. I couldn't go home, pretend like nothing had happened. This is al I got now, the music, this label," I said, willing Johnny to understand, to see that I really wanted this, that I needed this. Tears started do fall again, stupid tears! Johnny had moved closer to me as I spoke, and now he was standing just a few feet from me. Then, joking, goofy Johnny did something that really took my by a surprise. He opened his arms and engulfed me in a big hug, holding me tight and carefully rocking me from side to side.
"It's OK Bella, we wont kick you out or anything," he whispered into my hear. "We'll take care of you, I'll take care of you. I promise." I didn't want him to promise me that, I knew that promises were so easily broken. But I still felt a bit better in his strong arms, promising me that I was a part of something bigger than me, that we all would take care of our own, just like a family.
"I hate love," I muttered into his now tearstained cotton T-shirt, and I could feel Johnny silently laughing at my statement.
"Jupp Blonde, love is a real bitch, I keep away from her as often as I can myself," he said and laughed gently. "You know, you remind me so much of me little sister," he whispered into my hear. I had snort a bit at that. What, his sister was a blond, broken girl that led her best friends on and then duped them?
"How do I remind you of your sister?" I muttered. Unexpectantly, Johnny tightened his grip around me.
"She was a sweet girl, a big klutz just like you, and she had the worst luck with boys," he said, his voice steady. I wondered why he said "was". Was she dead...? "You see, she was such a nice person, everybody that came to know her, liked her, but a lot of the boys she was nice to, didn't understand that they weren't "special" to her they way they wanted to be, she was just nice to everyone. So after a while, they started ditching her because she had hurt their feelings. But Ann, my sister, didn't understand why her boy friends suddenly just disappeared, and she got really sad. Especially since she had really liked one of the boys, I think his name was Tim or something, and he had told her smilingly that he had gotten a date with her best friend."
I could feel him shaking his head slightly and taking a deep breath.
"She died a two years ago," he said silently. "Car accident." So she was dead. I immediately felt sorry for Johnny and his sister, and I instinctively hugged him tighter to me.
"She was 17 years old when she died, and the thing with Tim happened a year before that," he whispered. "I was 18 years old, she was 16, and I stood just like this, holding her while she cried and told me she hated boys."
"I'm so sorry," I murmured, and took a step back to look at Johnnys face. Johnnys face was sad, but at the same time, there was something in his eyes that shone whit whit happiness. The happiness that the memory of Ann provided him. I had moved on, conquered the pain. That gave me hope that one day I could to that to.
"But you know what love is good fore, even it is bad or good?" I shook my head. He let go of me, and walked over to the door, lifting up something that had been propped up against the wall there. My guitar! So that's why he was up here, he had probably come to give me my guitar. He sat down in the chair that Amanda had slept in, and hit a minor chord of some kind.
"Writing songs."
He looked up and smiled at me, and I something stirred inside me. He looked at me like he was my tree year younger sister, and the feeling that spread from my chest and into my heart, made me braver. I could trust Johnny, no matter what. So I sang two lines that popped into my head.
I don't know what I've done
or if I like what I've begun
I sat down in my chair opposite Johnny, and he looked up at me from my guitar, and nodded.
"That's good, better write it down you know," he said and took an iPhone out of his pocket, quickly writing it down. Then he looked at me, really looked, like he as trying to get something right out of my head.
"So, Blonde, what's the song about?" I was a bit put off by the question, I wasn't really sure what the song was about, it was just emotions.
"Well," I said, swallowing. "It's about me, obviously..." Johnny interrupted me.
"Ok, let's say that it's about a girl then, take a little step back look at yourself. What is that girl feeling?" he said and I tried to do what he told me to do, to take a good look at myself.
"It's about a girl that has just done something that's going to change... everything," I said slowly, looking right in front of me, but not really seeing anything. I was looking at the things that had happened in the past few months, the last few days.
"She has hurt someone, her very best friend, by doing so, but she had to. She had to run, everything in her told her that she couldn't stay, not after... She had to leave for his sake, and her own."
Johnny just nodded, and we worked on the song together, finding ways to tell the girls story, my story. It was a god way of working, looking at things from the outside. It didn't hurt that much then, and Johnny was so kind and helping, and he composed the perfect guitar voice to my melody and lyrics.
Then, it was done. The song was done.
That was it. That was the goodbye I needed, the things I should have told Jake, the goodbye he deserved. I would never be able to say these things to him, of course, but in a song, everything made sense.
I had wrote everything down with Johnnys chords, and as I sang the last sentence a capella, I looked up at him, and he was smiling that wicked smile of his again.
"What?" I asked, a bit nervous.
"Well, I came up her for two reasons, one: to give you your guitar, and two: to tell you that you needed two more songs for the performance at the Music Box this friday, and you have just written another one, in," he checked his watch "thirty minutes, I am NOT kidding you." He had to be joking, did he really like it so much that he wanted the band to play it.
Apparently he did, because ten minutes later, we were down in band studio D again, and the band were once again working on one of my songs, or Johnnys and min. This was just insane! I hadn't sung the song for them yet, just hummed the melody, I wanted to keep the lyrics to myself just a little bit longer. Johnny was in "the mode" again, and I was sitting with Mr. North in the soundmixing booth, looking at them.
"So Bella, tell me, how do you like working with us so far?" Mr. North asked from where he was sitting beside me. I just shook my head.
"It's so unreal. I really like it, I do, and the band is grate, and you and Christopher are great but..." I had to laugh, "I never pictured myself doing something like this, ever. I was the girl that cried herself from going to her piano-lessons,. But I guess now I see that in the end, there isn't a question if I want to do music or not." I shrugged lightly. "Music choose me, and now it's all I have."
"Bella!" It was Johnny who was talking into the microphone that was supposed to be mine. I looked up, and he motioned for me to join them. Mr. North smiled at me and gave me clap on the shoulder. I jumped out of the chair, and met Christopher when I was about to walk out of the soundbooth. He caught my eye when I walked by him, but I looked away quickly.
I felt my hands go cold again when I walked into the recording booth. This time, I'd have to play the guitar too, but I was ready. Everyone greeted me with a big smile, and Jack winked at me.
"You're like a song-writing-machine!" he laughed as I took my place behind the microphone and adjusted my guitar.
I was about to answer when I heard Christophers voice inside my headphone.
"Where I stood by Seattle Sunrise, take one!" he said. Allen counted me and Johnny in, so I thought of Jake, and sang.
I don't know what I've done
or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey I know you
It's all or none
There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
that I should go and this should end
Oh
And I found myself listening
'Cause I don't know who I am
Who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight and I think I am just as torn
inside
'Cause I don't know who I am
Who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you, "This is what I have to do"
'Cause I don't know who I am
Who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh
She who dares to stand where I stood
Tears were running down my checks, like my eyes were the freaking Mississippi. But I didn't care, I just sang and played, and the song was truly beautiful. The music filled me, like it had done time and time again these last few days, and the feeling of hope flourished once more in my broken chest.
This time, there was no screaming of joy or Christopher punching his fists into the air when the song was done. There was silence, and I felt myself go cold. Didn't Mr. North and Christopher like the song? I looked around, and I was startled to se that see that Amanda had tears in her eyes. Johnny wasn't right out smiling, but he had a soft kind of grin on his face. Allen and Jack were both looking serious as they staring at Christopher and Mr. North. I turned my head, and looked at them too.
"Pleas say something," I whispered, I couldn't stand the silence. Mr. North was looking at something on the floor, and Christopher was just sitting there, resting his head against his hands and not looking at anything. Painfully slow, Christopher lifted his head and once again he looked straight into my eyes. Then he lifted his finger, pushed the speaker button and leaned into the speaker in front of him.
"Bella, I..." He had to clean his throat and start again because his voice failed him.
"Bella, guys, that was... Wow, that was really good," he said, a small smile appearing on his face, but a gentle one. I felt my body transforming into gel-lo and my hands go warm again. They liked it. I felt someone grabbing my hand, and I looked over to see Amanda standing next to me, her lips were softly curved as she offered a peace of paper to dry my tear-streaked face. Now that I wasn't singing anymore, I felt myself reddening, I wasn't the kind of person to cry in front of everyone. Well, at least I didn't used to be that kind of person, though it seamed I had done it a lot these last two days.
"Good job everyone, I think we can call that a day," said Mr. North, leaning over Christopher to speak into the mic. His voice was serious, and something like a little electric spark went through my heart. I had moved him. Whit my song, with the words that moved me so much, I had moved someone else. In the mumbo jumbo that was my feeling, I felt that little electric spark shoot through the mumbo jumbo and push away the sadness. Maybe my songs could help others, not only myself.
That's another chapter. I hope you like it=) The song is Where I stood by Missy Higgins, a lovely song. Oh, and an electronic cookie to the firt person that reviews.
~B4E