AN: So, here is another update. Not bad hu? I hope to finish the next chapter soon, but I can't promise anything. Thank you so much for all your reviews, you are awesome! Alot of you have asked me what's gonna happen with Bella and here lovelife. All I can say is: wait and see ;)
Mucho gracias to my new Beta reader, Agamemnon Warhammer. You are awesome!
Song: There, There Katie by Jack's Mannequins.
Chapter 19: There, There Katie
Not really wanting to return to an empty apartment, I swung by the studio to get my guitar before walking to a park nearby. I wanted to play something, now that so much of my pain and sorrow had been taken away from me. I was going to meet Alice later; the album was done and life felt pretty good right now.
Choosing my spot, I sat down under a large tree, unpacked my guitar and tuned it before getting out my notebook too. Then I just sat there, letting my thoughts flow as I watched the other people in the park. Just plucking random strings at the guitar, messing around, I felt really content.
There was a little kid playing with his dog, a with terrier of some sort. He was laughing so hard as he was running after the dog, that he was almost tripping over small feet. The dog had a red ball in it's mouth, and it looked like the dog was having a good time too. It would let the little boy get really close, then spin off in another direction.
"That guitar has a nice sound to it, very round and full" a female voice spoke from behind me, shaking me out of my thoughts. The first thing I noticed, was the violin that the woman was holding in her hand. The other thing was that she had not a single strand of hair on her head. Her skin was paler than mine, and she looked so unbelievable beautiful with her round head, big blue eyes and pink lips, which were now curling into a small grin.
"I am sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," she said and sat down next to me. "I just heard you play, and couldn't resist moving closer." She was really calm, but at the same time, she had an intensity to her that kind of reminded me of Alice. I wasn't sure if I liked her yet, but there was something with her that piqued my curiosity.
"No, that's ok," I said, extending my arm to her and trying to sound friendly. "I'm Bella."
"Katie," she answered, shaking my hand with a light grip.
"So you play the violin?" I asked, then immediately felt stupid. She was holding it in her hand, of course she was playing it. But in stead of laughing at my silliness, she looked down at the instrument and got a sad look on her face.
"Used to," she told me, carefully placing it on the ground between us. "I got cancer a year ago, and I haven't been able to play it for a really long time." Her statement shocked me to the core. Was this girl dying? I felt a great sadness well up in me at the thought.
Like she had heard my thoughts, she looked up at me and gave me a brave smile.
"Don't feel sorry for me, I'll beat this thing and go back to Juliard in no time," she told me, a stubborn glint in her eyes. "I'm going to be a concert violinist, just like my grandfather."
Katie surprised me with her bluntness and strength, and I decided I really liked here. If it had been me, I was sure I'd never been that brave. But looking at her and listening to her, I could not understand how she could not survive this. Even if her body was failing her, her heart was so strong, it would pull her through, I was sure of it.
"I don't doubt it," I told her, smiling at her. "In a couple of years, I'll be able to read about you in the news-papers, I'm sure." Katie was possibly beaming at me by now, and I saw that she could not be that much older than me. Poor girl.
We talked for a while, or Katie talked, I just listened. She had so much to tell, even if she was so young. Eventually, Katie's phone beeped, and she told me she had to go. She picked up her violin, and with a last glance and smile my way, she walked off into the world.
Sitting there, I suddenly knew exactly what I was going to write about, and a song quickly started to form in my head.
I was almost done when the inevitable happened, it started to rain.
"Shit," I swore as huge raindrops started to fall down on my notebook. I packed up as fast as I could, and ran all the way back to the studio. Impressed by the fact that I hadn't fallen on my ass once, I felt a bit smug as I stepped into the elevator.
And walked right into Alice.
"Ouch," I muttered as Alice's shoulder poked me painfully in my chest.
"Bella, are you ok?" Alice asked, more amused than really worried. "You should really watch where you're going you know." She winked at me, and I could see that her eyes were a much lighter shade of brown now that they had been this morning. I ignored her insult, and instead pushed the button to my floor.
"I thought you wouldn't come back until the evening," I told her, shifting the guitar so it leaned against the elevator walls. Alice shrugged. "It was a quick hunt," she said and gave me a little wink. "So anyway, I love the songs that are going on your album by the way. Six Months will be a big hit, I am sure of it!"
Wow, I had forgotten how it was to have a psychic among my closest friends. I just rolled my eyes.
"So how do you like my newest song then," I asked her sarcastically as we walked out of the elevator, and into my apartment. Alice got a distant look, then nodded to herself.
"I like it so far, but you haven't finished it yet, so I am not sure. But I can tell you that Katie will survive." I stared at Alice in utter disbelief. Then, a kind of joy one shouldn't be able to feel for a total stranger flowed through me.
"Really?" My voice was barely audible, and Alice nodded with a big smile on her face.
"Now you know, so get that guitar out and finish your song!" She took the guitar-case out of my hand, shepherded me over to the sofa and put it in my lap. I looked down at it incredulously, my mind frozen for a second. What was I supposed to do again? Then it all came to me, and I knew exactly how to finish my song. Alice slipped down in the comfortable chair right in front of me, and nodded encouragingly.
"Go on."
Turning on the recorder on my phone, I took my guitarpick out from it's holder, and started to sing:
Katie you're a brave girl,
and I know it's only just started.
I'm gonna be there at six, with some flowers on sticks
That were clipped just to make the weak strong.
And Katie, it's a strange world
when girls can get so broken-hearted
If it were me and the universe, I'd get the worst of this gone.
Katie, Katie I'm sorry that in your condition
The sunshine's been missing but Katie,
I don't believe that it isn't there.
Oh and Katie, Katie be happy
This world can be ugly, but isn't it beautiful?
We're not really here, and we're really not there
We're really not there.
Katie you're a brave girl and courage is something we'll need now.
'Cause it's been a hell of a day I've spent fading away
We all fade sometimes, I believe
And Katie its a strange world
as I watch our tables get turned around
And you've got the strength that I've lost
Who'd have thought you'd be carrying me?
And Katie, Katie I'm sorry that in your condition
The sunshine's been missing but Katie,
I don't believe that it isn't there.
Oh and Katie, Katie be happy
This world can be ugly, but isn't it beautiful?
We're not really here, and we're really not there
Whoa, whoa
And it's not the end of the world,
It's not the end of the world,
It's not the end of the world,
'Cause the cops wouldn't break up this party.
Oh Katie, Katie I'm sorry that in my condition
Your sunshine's been missing but lately,
I don't believe that it isn't there
Oh Katie, Katie be happy
This world can be ugly but isn't it beautiful?
We're not really here, and we're really not there
We're really not there,
We're really not there.
Katie, you're a brave girl,
And I know its only just started.
It was perfect. I could hear Johnny on the piano in my mind playing it, Allen on the drums and we'd have to have some strings on this song, it was a part of it inside my head. God, I wished I was better at playing the guitar, my fumbling fingers just didn't do the song justice. But it was done, and it was for Katie and me both. I had survived a battle, not nearly has hard as hers, but she would survive too.
A smile curved my lips as I looked up at Alice, her face mirroring my excitement.
"So do tell me, oh gifted one, is this the next hit song?" I asked her, but Alice just rolled her eyes.
"Oh Bella, I can't tell you everything, what's the fun in that?" She cocked her head to one side and fixed me with a stern gaze.
"You have really become an artist Bella," she told me, disbelieve coloring her voice. I couldn't bring myself to be insulted by it, I was just as amazed by that fact. "To think that you are the same shy, clumsy girl I met in Forks over a year ago..." At that, I had to laugh.
"Oh Alice, you didn't see that one coming, did you?" I asked her teasingly. "Maybe you're not as powerful as you think?" Alice got a mildly insulted look on her face, and scoffed at me. "Only you, Bella, could stray so far of your given path. I doubt anyone, no matter how powerful, could have foreseen this." Narrowing her eyes, she got up from the chair and sat down on the floor right in front of me.
"Bella, are you happy?" Her question caught me by a surprise, and left me dumbfound. Was I happy?
"I... I don't know Alice,I answered truthfully. Sighing, I lowered myself down on the floor to sit next to her. This isn't the life I wanted, you know that better than anyone else. You know what life I did want." I wanted to be with Him forever, be with her family whom I loved like my own. I felt a familiar pain in my chest, but I was in control of it. Had I been stupid, to think that love at first sight could last forever? A logical part of me told me yes, how could you ever think that a beautiful, kind and godly, perfect vampire would love forever?
But somewhere deep, deep inside me, I knew that I had believed exactly that until the day he had told me he didn't love me anymore. Tears started to roll silently down my cheeks as I once again morned the loss of the life I had so foolishly thought was a possibility for me to live.
"Who knows Alice, I had my mind made up, I knew how my story was supposed to end, or in my case, not end. How do you go on when you suddenly find the road you're on isn't just blocked, but have no alternative rout ether?" Shaking my head, I looked outside the window at the downpour outside. "I'm living a dream that thousands of girls out there would kill for, and I really do love it. But I never was, and never will be one of those girls. This was never my dream."
I was quiet for a while, contemplating. Sure, this was far from the life I had wanted, but was I unhappy? I had gotten to know all these amazing people, Amanda, Johnny, Jack, Allen, Christopher, mr. N, David, Caroline... They saw something in me, and they all loved me. They meant I had a talent and a gift, and more than that, they loved Bella. It was almost as incomprehensible and amazing as the fact that He had once loved me for the simple girl I was, and they had helped me live again.
"I guess I am as happy as I'll ever be," I concluded silently. "I just wish..." What? Wished that He could have loved me? But noone can force someone to love another person, so I'd just have to play the hand I'd been dealt.
"I just wish that it wouldn't hurt so much to remember," I whispered, leaning against Alice. "I will always love him. It doesn't matter that it's not mutual, I can't just turn my feelings off, you know... With him, I had the best time of my life. I know I'll never feel that way again, ever." It was so hard talking about it, and the whole was ripping at my chest, threatening to take over, but I was still in control. I had gotten better in these last six months.
"I just hope that one day, I can look back at the wonderful time we had together, and enjoy the memories, not just feel the pain of the loss."
We just sat there in silence, listening to the rain dripping on the windows and the faint sounds of the city. I was trying not to think at all, letting the rhythm of Alice's breath lull me into a state of no-feelings and stay there.