Title: Aftermath
Author: nightowl8240
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: The characters created by James Duff and Michael M. Robin and belong to TNT.
Summary: The aftermath of the day was neither celebratory nor sorrowful; just full of need and something elusive that both women are afraid to define. Set after 7.10
Notes: Thank you everyone who reviewed! This is my first fanfic and I'm not really sure where the plot is heading so suggestions and constructive criticism would be greatly greatly appreciated.
In a blur of activity executed by Andy Flynn, Brenda finds herself shepherded out of the bar, buckled in the seat of a car, and riding down the busy LA streets. She doesn't speak as Andy takes care of her; she only wipes the constant wetness on her face, stubbles on her unsteady legs and fights to breathe properly. Brenda finds herself trapped in her traitorous thoughts, the things she never wants to admit to anyone least of all herself.
Brenda's insides were a mess of broken pieces that was supposed to be a human being and she is surprised that everybody can't see it. Daily, Brenda has to try to put together the fragmented pieces of her very existence to form something presentable to the world. She used to be able to accomplish this easily but lately it has been getting more difficult. A tired smile instead of a joyful one. A reluctant kisses instead a loving one. In the place where actual relationships between people were supposed to be there seemed to be only the words ambitions, passion, and career.
Sometimes Brenda feels like she never was never properly taught to get along with others in any sense, platonically or not. She remembers being a girl kindergarten that didn't play house or dolls with the other girls but sat alone coloring by herself. She remembers being a little older punching smart-mouthed boys on the playground. Maybe it was something in her very nature that made it hard for her to form any type of positive connection to another human being, despite how hard people try. And Fritzi just tries and tries to love and accept her as she is but Brenda knows deep down that she will never be what he wants. Whether he leaves tomorrow or 25 years down the road, Brenda is certain he will someday realize what he deserves.
Maybe that's the reason Brenda attached herself to Sharon Raydor, fixated on her in a way. When they first met, Brenda wanted to leave a firm impression of righteousness in her subordinate's mind. She wanted to inform this foreign female officer that any of the underhanded cops working in Internal Affairs were not welcomed in Major Crimes. But then this authoritative, attractive woman struts over to the crime, flicking a luscious mane of hair and Brenda found herself feeling differently about the situation. There was such a large amount of tension in the air between the two ladies that Brenda wasn't sure the cackling between them wouldn't start a fire.
But Brenda now sees what she actually did with this extraordinary woman. She needed her over the recent weeks, needed her as a distraction, needed her desperately to survive. Brenda needed her Captain Raydor to remind her to keep fighting, to keep her putting the shards of herself together. Brenda needs this woman who has been there for her during this whole Goldman mess.
Oh God. Goldman.
The thoughts make her head swim and she curls up in Andy's front seat. He keeps looking over at her, asking her what happened, is she ok while she just nods as she tries to gather her wild emotions.
Maybe Brenda Leigh was an entire mess, personally and professionally. She hurts the people she likes the most by luring them in with her outside persona then not being able to fulfill her promises. How can she be a good person when she knows her insides are so bad? How can she be a good Chief when she's being put on trial, fighting with other departments, and performing her own justice. She is a bad Deputy Chief to Will. A bad wife to Fritz. A bad seducer of Sharon. Not only can she not have any successful relationships, she also has to fight this new law suit and Brenda doesn't think Fritz can take much more of this. Maybe he should finally leave.
What then of Sharon? One of the worst mistakes she has made lately is her behavior tonight, taking advantage of Sharon. She knew on some level what would happen if she kept giving Sharon drinks, if she messaged her lithe feet, and if she went into the bathroom. But oh, the warmth of Sharon as Brenda tasted the smooth neck beneath pale ears. The feel of the thick chestnut hair and Sharon's peaked breasts. Sharon's body seemed so willing for Brenda and Brenda had wanted and needed her Captain for so long.
She shifts in the seat, trying to quell the heat and wetness between her legs and the nausea in her stomach. All of her fears and worries are mixing with the alcohol and her upset stomach is threatening to blow. The world outside the car tilts and spins and Brenda takes short sips of air, fighting queasiness with every breath. Her palms are clammy and as she wipes her brow she finds it moist with sweat. She tries to bring down her rapid heartbeat, tries to think of anything that's not Sharon, or Goldman, or Fritzi as she lifts her hair off the base of her neck. The motion brings bile to the back of her throat that she tries to swallow back and all she can think of is how her actions have destroyed everything.
"Oh God, Andy pull over."
Flynn wastes no time and when he comes to a stop in an empty parking lot, Brenda swings open the door and is throwing up all the awfulness of the day. When she finishes heaving, she closes the door and sees Andy is giving her one of his popular looks. It looks like empathy mixed with something he's trying to withhold and she doesn't have the strength to pry it out of him. He hands her a napkin from the center console and she wipes her mouth.
Feeling better, she lays her cool arm across her forehead and leans back as they try to get through late night traffic. With the expelling of toxins from her stomach, Brenda's mind settles some. They continue their ride in near silence, with only the rumbling of the car and the low voices on the radio being heard. As they pull into Brenda's neighborhood, Andy turns off the radio with a jerky movement. He inhales deeply before letting out a tired sigh and looks over. Brenda can feel the lecture coming about the sheer destructive things she has done this evening.
"Listen Chief,"
She was right and she waits in silence to be disciplined. Andy fidgets with his coat before continuing.
"This might surprise you but I have known Sharon for a pretty long time and I used to know her very well. I know how to read her emotions, no matter how hard she controls them."
He takes a deep breath before continuing. "I know for a fact that Sharon has had a weird crush on you since one of the first times you worked together."
He looks over to Brenda, maybe expecting some sort of visible reaction. She continues to stare out the window. "And I also know that you have known about it for awhile. I really wish I didn't have to pull this card. But I feel like I have to protect Sharon from you. What are you doing with her? If you knew that she felt certain things about you then why would you tease her? Not only are you fucking around with a subordinate officer, but you are fucking up your marriage which is something I really don't care about but I bet you do."
Brenda is quiet a couple minutes, shame radiating off her in waves. Finally she says in a straggled-like voice, "Do her know her very well?"
"Don't dodge my questions."
Brenda looks over at him, pleasing for him to understand. "Andy…I…I don't know what to do. I just need to think everything out."
"Damn straight. Sharon doesn't need anything like this."
"What's that supposed to mean?" asks Brenda trying to look at his face.
"Nothing. You need to get things taken care of." Andy says as he pulls in the driveway and effectively ending the conversation. "Good night."
Brenda gathers her things and unsteadily climbs out of the car. She saunters up the walkway, fumbles with the lock and makes her way into the house, flopping down on the couch. Tomorrow she will deal with Fritz in their bed, tomorrow she will figure out what to do. But tonight she just wants to be alone on the sofa with her drunken thoughts of her Sharon Raydor.