Syed's thoughts as he walks and talks to his little girl as he takes her to the swings to say goodbye...

It wasn't the barbs...the tired comments that I was back in the closet. They hurt, of course they did, how could he even think that? He knows everything I went through. Does he really believe that or are they just more jabs at an easy target. But it wasn't really that. I've heard it all before, when I hesitate, when I'm not as ready as he is for the next step, out they come...the accusations and insults...'you're putting them first'...'waving from the closet.'

What hurt was feeling so alone. Hearing them laugh like a pair of playground bullies and feeling so alone.

I hated doing it to her...hurting her all over again but I realised I was hurting her more by putting it off. I'd hoped she'd come around but I saw today that she never would.

I told my parents I was sorry but they could barely look at me.

I'll go and see Tambo later.

'You've missed your funny Uncle Tambo haven't you Yasmin? I'll tell him all the news, see if I can get him to talk to Afia. I won't push him though, he'd rather I came than mum, she fusses too much. She's going to miss you too Yasmin. Poor Tam and Afia are in so much pain, if only they'd talk, anyone can see they need each other Yas.'

I won't bother Tam with my troubles, he doesn't need that right now.

I miss Tanya..she would listen, hear my side.

Amira was never a comfort like that to me.

It's over now though now ...me and Christian, he's made that clear. It's funny, now it's too late, the house in the suburbs near good schools is more appealing. Not for what it represents but because our flat ...our flat is where he took him last night. Our bed.

'You are my one comfort ..my beautiful, beautiful daughter ..and I have to say goodbye to you...I wish I could be part of your life still, every single day. I missed so much of you already didn't I? I've loved being with you like this, putting you to bed every night, cuddling you when you cry, singing you lullabies, but it can't be like that now...but I will be in your life Yas..I promise you that. I'll always be your daddy.'

This all hurts so much. Once it would have been bearable...he would have held me..made it ok.

But who really cares when he hurts me?

'Hey there little one, you getting all restless to get out of that buggy? I'll have to take you back soon, I promised mummy I wouldn't be long. You'd have liked Christian Yas, you really would, you'd have loved him just like I do and he'd have loved you too. I'm sorry I failed you. I wanted to make it so you had mummy and daddy and Christian in your life. You'd have been so happy, we'd have been so happy...

...you'll understand one day..I had to do this..your daddy loves you more than anything...'