Me: Hi everyone! I bet you're dying to know what happens next, so here's the next chapter!
Draco: Actually, I could go the rest of my life not knowing what else happens and die happy with only the minimal brain damage and emotional scarring that comes with reading this.
Voldemort: I can't! This is great. I love watching my enemie's character's get totally raped in fanfiction. I actually think Harry is about to crack.
Harry: (rocking back and forth again) angst...angst...angst...angst...
Dobby: Dobby does not think he wants to do this so much now.
Snape: I'm glad I don't have a major part in this story...I can't even imagine what she'd do to me...
Me:I can...(bursts out laughing)
AN: stop flassing ok!
Sirius: Ok...Stop right there. What the hell does flassing mean?
Ron: It sounds like the word floss with the word ass in the middle.
Snape: Great observation, Weasley. If I was an English teacher, and we had English on the cirriculum at Hogwarts, I'd put you in special ed.
Ron: Why, thank you professor!
Hermione: Ron, special ed is...(sigh)never mind.
if u do den u r a prep! Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.
Dobby:Dobby thinks he has missed some major plot points.
"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.
My friend B'loody Mary Smith
Snape: Good God...What a hideous name...
smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic
Dumbledore: How can hair be gothic? And "waste-length"? Is her hair covered in excrement?
black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on.
Harry: Ok...Why the crap is everyone running around wearing ugly ass red contact lenses?
Sirius: It's starting to make me miss Pickels...(sniffle) He tasted like chicken...God, I miss him...
Voldemort: Unicorns taste like turkey.
Snape: Do you know that every time you open your mouth to speak my soul bleeds?
Voldemort: Does it bleed...unicorn blood?
Dumbledore: (sob sob)
Snape: smh
She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on.
Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.
Hermione: Wait...I'M B'LOODY MARY SMITH? AHHHHHHHHHH!
Voldemort: I like that name better than Hermione. It suits you.
Hemione: AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger.(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )
Hermione: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AND I'M IN SLYTHERIN!
Snape: Wait...What? The fact that you're in Slytherin bothers you more than being a Satanist? First of all, that's hurtful.
Snape: Second of all, what does her being a Satanist have to do with her being in Slytherin?...I mean damn, we're evil, but not devil worshippers!
Ron: It's okay, Hermione...I still love you even though you're a Satanist. And a...Slytherin.
Snape: Asshole.
Hermione: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.
Snape: Alright, wait...I do not talk like that.
Dumbledore: Yeah, you never use more than one pretensious sounding word per sentance.
Snape: Was that meant as an insult?
"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.
Voldemort: Did it ever dawn on this crazy bitch that they just might have dated before they met?
Ron: I suppose Tara was right. Ebony isn't perfect because she's a f*cking moron.
Everyone gasped.
Sirius: Gasp is right! She didn't describe her outfit with irritating detail! THOSE ARE THE ONLY PARTS SHE ACTUALLY GAVE ANY THOUGHT TO!
I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me.
Snape: Hell, the readers don't even know why she's mad.
I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony)
Dobby: Dobby so has to read this from the beginning.
Draco: (whimper)
for a while but then he broke my heart.
McGonagall: Awww, poor Draco!(hugs)
Draco: (sigh)
He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)
Harry: YOU SAID THAT I TURNED GOTH AFTER I BROKE UP WITH HIM TARA, YOU D*CK! MAKE UP YOUR MIND!
"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.
"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.
Snape: You later regained your virility when I turned you back into a man two chapters ago.
Dobby: Who is this "Vampire"?
Hermione: It's Harry.
Dobby:Cool Dobby loves slash.
Harry: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?