New Year's Resolutions from Dragon Ball Universe!

- a Dragon Ball Z Collection -

Resolution Two: Piccolo

Disclaimer: Dragon Ball, the glorious franchise it is, is not in any way a property I control. I can only wish to supplement its mystique with stories such as the one herein. The same is in regards to related characters, symbols, plot elements, etc.

With that said, I hope you enjoy the story!

Alright, people of the Earth, it's time for me to come clean with you about something.

After the release of Dragon Ball Z Movie 13 in 1995, and up until recently, it had been my New Year's resolution every year to get back into the movie business. You want to know why? Well, if you haven't noticed, I wasn't actually in any of the last four classic Dragon Ball Z movies!

Yep, my last actual appearance was in that absurd mess of a movie, the ninth one, with Bojack the plot pirate. Why wasn't I cast in DBZ Movies 10 through 13, other than in a brief moment in Movie 10 in which Gohan thought he saw me, but it turned out to be Krillin? I have no idea why I wasn't in them!

Somehow, knowing all the horrifically deranged things Bojack is capable of, and all the story quality he has destroyed, this is probably all his doing. After all, could it possibly be merely a coincidence that the last classic movie in which I appeared, Bojack's bizarre Movie 9, was also the very last movie that was dubbed and released to DVD for the infamous "Big Green" dub of Dragon Ball Z, the one which got its nickname because my name was inexplicably changed to "Big Green" for the entirety of the dub?

I was insulted beyond belief when I watched that dub and realized what the AB Groupe, the recording studio responsible for the dub, had done to my awesomeness by giving me such a ridiculous name. It's almost as strange as the fact that they referred to Bulma as "Bloomer" and Krillin as "Clearin!"

But then, in 2008, I was back in business. The original video animation, Dragon Ball: Yo! Son Goku and His Friends Return!, was a great way to get everyone back in a movie together, and while it wasn't released in theaters, I was ready to truly appear on the big screen again.

But then, one of the most traumatic events that has ever transpired changed everything.

Yes, I'm talking about the release of Dragon Ball: Evolution, in 2009.

For some reason, the diabolic and maniacal forces behind the existence of that movie decided to dramatically change so much of the Dragon Ball backstory that the movie was not even a true homage to the Dragon Ball universe, but a disorderly, illogical shadow of the glory of the true canon series.

However, the biggest problem of all, by far, was what they decided to do with my character, or rather, my bastard of a father's character. First of all, they made King Piccolo want to outright destroy the world, whereas in canon Dragon Ball, he wanted to rule it for all time – two very different goals, I assure you. Once again, is it merely coincidental that Bojack, that arrogant discrepancy connoisseur, makes conflicting statements in Movie 9 that he wants to both destroy Earth and rule it, and that this very same discrepancy applies to King Piccolo?

But worst of all, and I also suspect that Bojack's evil mission of story quality destruction had something to this, is that in Dragon Ball: Evolution, I'm either barely colored green, or not quite green at all.

I simply cannot allow this devious discrepancy to exist without taking action in response. Even though the wise sage, Kermit the Frog, once said that it ain't easy being green, I find it to be an essential part of me, and I enjoy being green, as does Kermit. And yet, Dragon Ball: Evolution dishonored me so much that I have come to regret having my New Year's resolution for about 15 years be to appear in movies once again.

I wish they had left well enough alone, but they just had to go and make a character named "Piccolo" that wasn't only a cheap imitation of either me or my bastard dad, but most importantly, not truly green.

With all of this said, for my New Year's resolution, in response to this assault to my honor, I want to do something that will firmly establish my identity as the one, true Piccolo.

I must assert my identity, and never let my right to be green be infringed upon ever again.

Therefore, for my New Year's resolution, I shall prove, once and for all, in signification of the fact that I am green and proud of it, that I am not only green, but the GREENEST character in the entire Dragon Ball universe! And no, I'm not talking about the honorable practice of recycling, but being of the color green itself.

My fellow Nameks are of course also green, but I am greener! I've got two Namek fusees inside me, and with Nail and Kami's help, the intensity of my greenness surpasses that of every single other Namek in the canon series. For anyone who thought that Dende, Moori, and Guru were greener than me, think again!

And you know what? Not even Gast Carcolh, a Dragon Ball Multiverse character who is a fusion of all the Nameks from a single universe, tops how green I am. Why? Well, in Dragon Ball Multiverse, there are two of me and one of him, and my bastard dad is also there! That's two against one, Gast, and in a way, three against one. My math is absolutely irrefutable.

If Cell tries to even think about asserting that he's the GREENEST because his specific coloration of green is the PERFECT version, all I need to do is remind that copying bastard that he wouldn't be green if it wasn't for me!

If Guldo tries to call himself the GREENEST, all I need to do is remind him that I'm greener because I've died two noble deaths, while he died in one of the most ridiculous ways possible!

If Pikkon tries to challenge my greenness, all I need to do is show him my antennae, which are green and which he does not have!

And most importantly, above all else, is that if that despicable plot pirate Bojack tries to convince people that his transformation enables him to be even greener than me, all I need to do is shove the "Big Green" dub in his face and remind people that as much as I hate that nickname and that dub, I, and not he, earned that nickname out of my notorious awesomeness.

In any case, have a Happy New Year, and hopefully there won't be a wildly inaccurate sequel to Dragon Ball: Evolution released this year.

It's awesome being GREEN,

Piccolo

Thanks so much for reading Piccolo's New Year's Resolution!

Up next: Master Roshi!

In fun and fanfiction,

American Vigor