Chapter 9: The new me's
I opened my eyes, the light of the infirmary blinded me. Tears were filling my eyes. "Hey mate, you're finally awake?" I heard Luke say. I couldn't answer. I couldn't breath, I was choking on guilt. I tried to be strong, but it wasn't long before I cried my eyes out. How could I be that person? How could I have never felt guilt for the things I did? How could Jake be dead? Had Samael really killed him? Nothing made sense to me. I couldn't imagine myself doing the things I remembered doing. Yet...I had. I had killed so many, hurt so many more. How was I supposed to live with myself? "I suppose it's true then?" He said. He looked sad about it. Maybe he had tried not to believe it but I had confirmed his fears. Evie had been proven right after all.
I still couldn't speak, so I nodded in agreement. I had been putting up a good fight against the tears. Some still escaped and rolled over my cheeks but I tried to be strong. I had never allowed myself to show weakness. Even after my mother died, I only cried once. There was silence for a long time. I was trying to pull myself together and I guess Luke didn't know what to say. "How long was I out?" I asked.
"It's been weeks. Its already summer. Pretty much all demigods have come back." He said. "You went out May 21st. It's now June 24th." A month? I had been out for a month? I couldn't believe I had been out for so long. It seemed like weeks but to think it really was. For some reason though. I was tired, more so than I had ever been in my life.
"I want to be alone for a little bit Luke." I said. I didn't want to show weakness in front of anyone else and I knew there were going to be more tears. Given what memories had just returned to me there couldn't be anything but tears. I wanted to break down completely. Just shut myself off the world I had treated so badly. When I first spoke to Jake he said I had never done any good in my life. That was true. I had never done anyone a favour or made anyone's life better. I had destroyed lives, not just ended them. Seth was in a mental hospital because of me, I turned him insane. I deserved worse then death for the things I did.
"Yeah I get it." He said. "Just make sure you come out some time soon all right? You've been in here way too long." He said. I nodded and rolled over. Another tear rolled over my cheek. It would be the final one. I didn't want to cry any more. The way I felt, the guilt overflowing was something I felt once before. It was when I lived with Jake. The truth was when I started living with him I disliked him. He was a good fighter and that I respected but I got annoyed with him. I was still proud of the things I did to people and was still ruled by rage. By still being that way I annoyed Jake. Well eventually it kind of clashed.
I was sitting on the roof, finished punching the punching bag that was there. I was being lazy, I was too arrogant to admit that I really needed training in order to beat Samael. I knew it in the back of my head, I wasn't a complete idiot.
"Why aren't you training?" Jake asked. He was down the stairs making his way up but given his ability to see into the future he already knew that I wasn't training. Either that or he didn't hear the chain of the punching bag move. Either way he knew I wasn't doing anything.
"Why bother. I can beat Samael. I'll rip his heart out." Like I said I was arrogant. The way I was at the time in a fair fight Samael would destroy me. I was an okay fighter but Samael was good. I still doubt that I was actually stronger than him when I beat him in the woods surrounding camp half-blood. I still think the only reason I won was because Samael underestimated me.
"You really think that?" Jake asked with his eye brows raised. He sounded annoyed and I really didn't blame him. I still wonder how I put up with myself. I got up trying to act tough. Such a fools act.
"You think you're so good but you've got an advantage no one else has. You know exactly what I'm going to do. It's not fighting like that. If you know every punch I throw you don't even have to try. If it wasn't for your daddy I could take you out!" Such a fool I was. Let me tell you something about Jake. Jake is from Hayes, a neighbourhood in London. And as he told it it wasn't the nicest neighbourhood in London. He had been raised in a place almost as violent as the one I had been raised in. And in those times there were many people that tried to mess with him and Jake wasn't known for his long fuse. So right after I stopped talking I felt his fist connect with my face. I was surprised, I didn't think he'd go for me like that but I accepted the challenge. I tried to hit him back but just before my fist hit his face he knocked away my arm and punched me in the face again. His arms were so quick. I tried to get a punch through his defence but for every punch I threw I got hit twice. I kept standing until Jake hit me in the ribs, I heard the bone snap. The pain in my side was horrible but Jake wasn't done yet. With a jab he hit me in the face again, I heard my nose break. Blood streamed down from my nostrils. He finished me off with a powerful hook with threw me to the ground. I had never been beaten this badly. I felt one of my teeth was loose and I had a bad wound on the inside of my mouth. I spit on the ground, there were only a few traces of saliva among the blood.
"You really think you're that tough? You're a joke Michael! I don't need to see the future in order to beat you. You're just an arrogant brat! Samael will fuck you up! And I say, let him. You're just as bad as him. I thought you were just misguided but you...you take pride in the things you've done. You've ruined lives! How can you be proud of that!" Jake's words...they did something to me. I still don't understand why I actually listened to him. I never listened to anyone because I believed I knew everything better than they did.
"You know nothing about me!" I tried. I knew he had it exactly right. That was the thing that angered me so much. "Everything I did, they all deserved it! They were the killers, I was the avenger." For most of my victims this was true. But it had been a while since I could claim that was true. Martin was innocent, he never hurt me or anyone close to me. And well...Samael and I hadn't been good guys either. It was only now that I realized that though. I didn't kill for revenge any more, I killed because I enjoyed it. I had fallen that far.
"You know that's a lie." Jake said. I agreed with him now. About a second ago I wouldn't have but I started to realize that I hated the person I had become. I was a monster. How could I only realize that now.
"What have I done?" I said more to myself than to Jake. I saw the faces of the people I killed. The terrified expression on Williams face. The cashier of that convenience store as I punched his face in. Their faces were burned into my mind. I had forgotten about what I had done to them. I had somehow justified it in my twisted mind. I felt all the guilt come to me in one hit. It was a depression that took me a while to get through. Jake helped me a lot. And I came out stronger. I knew why I was going after Samael. Not because I wanted revenge, but because justice had to be done. It would be the start of my redemption, that's how I saw it anyway. It turned out great...not.
Again I stood in that same darkness. Myself in front of me. He didn't have his sword drawn this time. He had the same smile though. It was a sadistic, evil grin that I would never forget. "Here we are again Angel." He said.
"Who are you?" I asked me.
"Well...I'm you. Sort of." He said. His grin never broke. He seemed smarter than me, stronger. As if I should just lay down and crawl around like a dog in his presence. Maybe that was just me though.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I tried to sound tough. It didn't work too well. I sounded weak and afraid. Like a child that doesn't understand a single thing. Maybe I was just that.
"I'll try to explain it to a child like you." He used the words I thought, how was that possible? Was he in my head? "When you gained all of our precious memories well...your mind couldn't handle it. You were too weak to deal with it all so your mind adapted. That's why it took so long for you to wake up. The human mind is very fascinating that way. It split into two. One who holds all of that rage and homicidal loveliness. And the other one..." He said the first part with pride and excitement. While he seemed to look down on the other one, who I believed was me.
"So what does that all mean?" I asked. I really did sound like an idiot. I didn't know why but around him I was nothing. I had no confidence or strength of any kind. I felt like I could break down any second.
"Why do I even bother?" He said frustrated. "You belong in the nut house. Luckily you have me, I'll keep us out of there. That's why I'm the strong one right?" He said.
"I guess." I didn't know why I agreed with him. It felt as if any objection I would have was stupid and pointless. I had to believe in my...strong side. "So what do I call you?" I asked.
"You've already taken our middle name so I guess that's out of the question. Neither of us are really Michael any more...so I guess I'll go with Colt." He said. "A good gun the original Colt. Deadly, powerful and accurate, sounds like me in every way." He said smiling. I didn't really know what to say to...Colt. I was an insect in his presence. What was I supposed to say?
"What you said to me...before I woke up. What did you mean?" I asked him.
"Samael was right...you do ask too many questions. Can't you figure anything out yourself? This is the start of that big plan of Jake's. Obviously that guy popping out of no where whipping clear our memories wasn't done without a reason. Someone told him to do that...and three guesses who?" Colt said.
"Why would Jake try to erase my...our memories?" I asked him.
"Probably because he thought it would make you a better person. I mean you've never been a goody two shoes and that beating he gave you wasn't going to change that. But without all those memories of pain and death you actual became a normal person." I wondered how he figured this all out and I hadn't. Was he really that much smarter.
"How come you know all this and I don't?" I asked Colt. "We used to be the same person right? I should know these things as well as you do."
"I told you before!" He seemed to get kinda annoyed with all the questions. He had a short fuse that was for sure. "I am everything you hate about the person we used to be. The hatred, the distrust the sadistic side of our personality. There was always a little voice in your head that told you Jake was lying about certain things, I'm that voice so to speak."
"I don't understand any of this." I said.
"Of course you don't. Come on Michael was never smarter then when he wanted to kill someone. So I guess I have most of his intellect too." Colt said. I noticed how he started going from us to calling our former self Michael. I understood why. Michael didn't exist any more, we weren't one person any more. Better to talk about him like he was someone else than make a connection between the two of us.
"So how does this work? You're going to be a voice in my head all the time?" I asked.
He chuckled wickedly. He was mocking me, or so it seemed. He thought he was the king of the world. I was nothing but his servant. "Not exactly, you'll find out soon enough."
I didn't get an explanation before waking up. It was morning, the sun's light broke through the few square windows in the infirmary. Every bed was empty. I was the only one there now. I wondered when they moved me here from the Hypnos cabin. Maybe when I didn't woke up later that day, or later that wake. Eventually I didn't even wake up later that month. Outside I heard people talk, whisper. I wondered what was going on. On the night stand beside my bed was a set of clean clothes. A simple black t-shirt saying camp half-blood in white letters, jeans, underwear and socks. On the ground in front of the night stand were simple blue sneakers. I got dressed and stretched. I had been in that bed for weeks. My muscles were sore and stiff. But after that long a sleep I had never been so awake! I wasn't planning on sleeping this long ever again though. Not if my dreams remained this bad. I hoped that Colt was just some weird spur of my imagination. What he said couldn't be true. A split personality just like that, it seemed unlikely.
Outside the whole camp seemed anxious. Something had happened that was certain. Everyone was running around aimlessly. Eventually I spotted Luke coming down Half-blood hill. If anyone knew what was going on it was him. "Luke, what happened?"
"Are you sure you don't know?" He asked.
"What's that supposed to mean?" It sounded like a accused me of something. I had been asleep all night. For a moment I wondered if Colt was real. Was this what he meant by 'you'll find out soon enough'? Maybe he had done something I couldn't remember. That didn't make sense to me though. Our memories wouldn't be separate and I was sure I was in bed.
"Look mate, I've tried not to believe Evie. But this is a bit weird isn't it? You remember your life and one of us gets killed? I believe in coincidence but this is way past that."
"Someone got killed? Who?" I asked. I looked crushed, had I done it? Had I murdered someone again? Was I really a total nut with a split personality?
"His name's Tom. He was unclaimed. It took his mortal side younger sister to identify him. There's barely anything left of him..." Luke said. He looked like he was desperate. I didn't know if this Tom was a friend of his. But something about his death touched Luke greatly. Maybe because I was suspect number one, maybe because it meant someone at camp (if it wasn't me) was killing off demigods in a horrid way. And if it wasn't a friend of his now...it might be next time.
"Luke...I swear it wasn't me." I looked at him sincerely. If he could spot lies like a master, he wouldn't spot one on me. After all I wasn't lying. If Colt had done it...it still wasn't me. Not exactly anyway.
"I want to believe you Angel. I really do. But...I don't know." Luke said. I understood why he doubted me. He had reason to. He knew Evie longer than he knew me and right now she seemed a more reliable source.
"Take me to the body. Whether you believe me or not, I have experience in these things. I want to see." I said. I had seen death and I had caused it. I wasn't a CSI but I could probably figure out some things by seeing the body. Mostly I wanted to know if it was anything I would do.
"All right then, follow me." We went back up the hill. Quite deep into the woods. We went outside the border, which meant it could have been a monster attack, as soon as I saw Tom's lifeless corpse I threw that theory out of the window. He was tied to a tree, cuts all over his body and face. None of the main arteries were cut. This was purely sadistic torture. Blood was all over his face, he only had a few teeth left and his eyes were cut making him completely blind, his tong was cut out to make sure he couldn't scream. This guy went through an awful lot of pain before bleeding to death. The torture could have gone on all night. No one could hear it and very few people were out in the woods late at night. The cuts were clean and went past anything vital. Creating nothing but pain and slow dripping blood. Everything about it...was exactly the way I would do it. If I wanted to torture someone, for any reason, this was pretty much the perfect way to do it without any fancy materials.
"Out of the way amateur, I want to get a look at the body." Someone said behind me. He pushed me out of the way and started inspecting the body. He ignored pretty much everything important. He only looked at it to seem like he knew anything about it.
"Sorry about that, my partner gets a bit too exited when we get a new job." Another guy said. He stuck his hand out to me and helped me up. "Hectar Garner, high school detective, pleased to meet you." The guy said. He looked about thirteen, maybe fourteen. He had dark spiky hair and a sly smile on his lips. "The other guy is Alex Jones." He said, I didn't answer him. I was too amazed at the entire high school detective thing. Had they been watching too much CSI?
"Well looks like we're not getting an easy summer Hectar." Alex said. "Seriously, we get so much work during school that we hope to come here and have some peace. Put I guess crime has to be stopped everywhere." Alex said. He tried acting like some kind of super detective. I had to try hard not to burst out in laughter.
"So what kind of 'jobs' do you get? Stolen pens? Someone got killed here, do you have a single clue what happened to this guy?" I asked. These were a bunch of idiots. They seriously annoyed me simply because they did this because they thought it was a game.
"Well he obviously got cut a lot." Hectar said.
"Probably a sword those are most common around here." Alex continued. He was basing this on nothing at all. And he called me an amateur.
"Wrong. Look at the cuts. They're aren't deep, perfectly aimed, and cut in a specific length. A sword is too long and thick to make those kind of cuts. This was done by a dagger or something like that."
"Well...I knew that." He tried. I saw Luke trying not to laugh. Of course this was a bit morbid. Here we were standing next to a guy who had just died horribly and I used it to prove these guys that they absolutely sucked at being detectives. "I'm pretty sure it was personal though. Why else would you want to hurt someone this bad?" He wasn't so sure of himself any more. Right now he was just trying to save himself a little bit. If he had been right, maybe he would have.
"Bullshit. If you hate someone enough to kill them then you just kill them. You go for something that kills them quickly. The neck, stomach, heart, something fatal. Whoever did this just wanted to cause pain until his victim couldn't take it any more."
"Maybe we shouldn't get involved in this one Alex." Hectar was right. Whether it was me or someone else this person was extremely dangerous. He enjoyed doing this, and he would do it again.
"No, this is our job! Luke get this guy out of here!" Alex yelled. He wanted to be the hero too badly. I didn't care. I wouldn't get in their way of their CSI play time. I wanted to see the body to know if it fit me in any way. Truth was...it did but didn't. I would do this but I never had and not this random. I had just stated that no one would do this if it was personal but it was exactly what I would do when it was personal. But this guy, there was nothing personal about it. If I or Colt killed him, it was completely random.
"Fine." Luke said. "Just make sure you get him back to camp, get him a shroud and all that. We're going to give him a proper goodbye." Alex and Hectar nodded and Luke and I started making our way back to camp. We didn't speak, mostly because what we wanted to say was too important, we couldn't have them hear us. "So...what do you think?"
"Luke, it wasn't me. I can tell you why."
"Of course you can, anything to prove your innocence." Luke said with the same accusing tone he had earlier.
"Look, every time I...killed. Or tortured, it was for a reason."
"And that makes it all right?" Luke said raising his eye brow making the 'wondering' face.
"That's not what I'm trying to say. When ever I killed it was because someone hurt my friends, or knew something I wanted to know. It was always personal. And even though sometimes I wanted to cause pain, never like this. This killing is totally random. He has no importance to me at all, the three friends that I have here are fine and there really isn't anything I want to know. I'm a bad person Luke, but I'm not a fucking maniac." I said. I thought it was a good plea for my innocence. Even Evie had said that I always killed out of revenge and it was true that Tom had done nothing to earn my wrath. Even Luke had to see that even though it looked like it, I didn't kill this person.
"It makes sense. But that brings us to the next question. If you didn't do it, I'm not saying that you didn't." Of course he still didn't trust my plea 100%. "But if you really didn't. Then who did?"
"That's a very good question Luke." I could hear Colt laughing in the depths of my mind. I knew who killed Tom, only...how was I going to explain it to everyone?