New Year's Resolutions from Dragon Ball Universe!

- a Dragon Ball Z Collection -

Resolution Six: Cooler

Disclaimer: Dragon Ball, the glorious franchise it is, is not in any way a property I control. I can only wish to supplement its mystique with stories such as the one herein. The same is in regards to related characters, symbols, plot elements, etc.

With that said, I hope you enjoy the story!

My New Year's resolution is an extremely simple one, considering all the self-serving, tyrannical things I would have wanted to do for my own amusement had I still been alive.

I want to get Frieza and my father to stop pestering me about teaching them how to achieve our race's "Super" form, the one I used against that accursed Super Saiyan Goku all those years ago on Earth and which Frieza and my father have not yet achieved.

There really isn't much to do in Hell, and I suppose Frieza and my father are asking me about it more and more these days not just because they want to advance their own power, but because of their egregious boredom with this place. With every year, my boredom grows, and I assume the same is probably true with them, considering as how Frieza and my dear father have, after many years of pestering me, decided to ask me about the Super form at least twice a day, whereas years ago, their pestering was merely occasional.

Truly, ours is as a perfect family should be, with family members who are endlessly striving to best each other while threatening the others for their own self-interest.

And in support of their self-interest, Frieza and my father finally threatened to have Captain Ginyu use his Body-Change technique on me if I don't teach them how to achieve the Super form soon.

It was very inopportune for Ginyu to have very recently appeared in Hell as a result of Babidi's insane creature destroying Planet Earth. Ginyu's soul and body finally reunited, and he's as eager as ever to be Frieza's petty tool. It truly astounds me how Ginyu never used his Body-Change technique on Frieza, considering all the power he could have gained through commandeering Frieza's body. It would have been laughable to see Frieza's power reduced to almost nothing in comparison to my own, but it is by no means acceptable that Ginyu currently would have no reservations against using his Body-Change technique on me.

He's as loyal to Frieza as ever, and this sucks for me. Damn, why the Hell can't Salza have an awesome technique like that? I really should have acquired loyal henchmen with better abilities.

But of course, I never intend to teach Frieza and my father the technique, since I want to at least have that particular edge of ability over them, if not for my dignity, then for my amusement.

Everyone is bribable, even the most supposedly loyal of soldiers, and I'm sure I will find some way to have Ginyu see things from my point of view. There's not much in Hell that I could actually use to bribe him, as the bastards who run this place don't allow us to have much of anything. However, I'm sure that, using my cunning and influence, I could find some sort of way to obtain something for Ginyu from the other parts of Otherworld that he could accept as a bribe.

After all, Cell managed to acquire some wine from West Kai's planet that he gave to my father for our Secret Satan gift exchange, back during the Holiday Season. He's become one of my best buds down here, and there is a chance that he'll tell me the secret of how to acquire items from beyond this wretched place.

Cell shares much of my joy for infuriating Frieza, and I think he won't mind letting me in on this little secret. And even if he wants to keep his leverage over me, which I would totally understand since I'm doing something similar to Frieza and my dad, I'm sure there's some sort of arrangement I could make with him.

Cell briefly said in an off-hand comment that he got some of the ogres who guard Hell to smuggle the wine in for him. Exactly how he convinced them to do this remains a mystery to me, but I hope to soon ascertain that truth. I'm sure that Cell would have preferred using that Instant Transmission technique of his to breach the confines of Hell himself, but then again, if he could do that, he would have long ago left Hell behind. I'm sure he wants to escape this horrid place as much as I do, and return to a wondrous life of proliferating oppression and destruction.

Oh, how I long for those days of joy. It's somewhat hard for me to believe that I've been in Hell for about 10 years, but it is true, all the same. Aside from having to spend way too much bothersome time with Frieza and my father, I've thought much about the life I used to live, and I have cherished memories of chaos past, and endearing horrors of mayhem new.

I especially wonder whatever happened to all the planets that Frieza, my father, and I had under our supreme control. Without our direct guidance and the rigid structures of order that we had enforced, there have almost certainly been severe hardships and sufferings for the people of many worlds that have been swallowed up by either anarchy or further tyranny!

And yet, judging from the ignorance of those Saiyan fools, I'm sure that they have done almost nothing to assist the billions of people who are probably still living in strife and fear as a result of the turmoil and pandemonium that are probably still profuse on many of the worlds of our former empires! In all the time that we have been gone, how many people could Goku have saved, and yet was too ignorant to even attempt to save?

Maybe one day he will learn from his severe tactical mistakes, but until then, in the midst of my father and Frieza's bothersome requests to help them achieve the Super form as well, I will at least be able to find joy in knowing how severely ignorant Goku has been.

May your power surge in whatever you do,

Cooler

Thanks so much for reading Cooler's New Year's Resolution!

Up next: Goten!

In fun and fanfiction,

American Vigor