Chapter 5
Author's Note: Thank you so much for the wonderful reviews! I love hearing your thoughts on what I wrote as it provides me with great inspiration for future chapters.
I really struggled with this chapter so it took a lot longer for me to post it. My apologies but I want you all to know that I have this story is all sketched out and will be posting as often as I can =) I also want you to know that I handwrote most of this chapter at work because it would have looked too sketch if I pulled out my laptop ;) Just thought I'd share that with you.
Blair and Chuck may seem a bit OOC in this story and that is because I'm trying to move them away from the schemes. They have to grow up and part of doing that is realizing that nothing good can come from the games they used to play.
By the way, I've updated The Way We Were and Of Course.
88Mary88 – Thank you so much! I'm so glad you liked where I took Nate's character. I think he's capable of it but the writers of the show like leaving them all in stunted adolescence. I could rant further but I'll spare you ;) As for the blonde, she thought she was doing the right thing. We see more of her motivations for siding with Chuck in this chapter. And it will be quite some time before Blair fully opens up to Chuck again. She desperately wants to but will refuse until she feels they are at the place they need to be, which is quite a bit into the future. I can't wait to read what you think of this chapter.
Tiff xoxo – Thanks!
Comet Tail – Thank you! So happy you like the pace and tone of this story. Looking forward to your thoughts on this chapter.
LiesLoveAndLullabies – Thanks so much! I'm so glad you like where I've taken the characters in this story. I plan on having the characters mature more than we've seen on the show because I feel it's about time they did. I can't wait to read your thoughts on Chuck's therapy sessions as well as what he wrote in his letter.
Lexi1x07 – Thanks! Looking forward to what you think of Chuck's letter.
TriGemini – Thank you so much! Happy to hear I'm so happy that you like where I've taken Nate's character, I've always liked him and think he's far too often underestimated. We see more of Chuck and Blair realizing what they need to do before they can even attempt to be together again. As always, looking forward to your next review.
Ellibells – Thanks! Can't wait to read your reaction to Chuck's letter, you'll have to let me know if it brought tears.
Jwoo2525 – Thank you! So happy to hear you like where this story has gone. I agree with hating how on the show Chuck professes his love to Blair and then runs off with the first pretty face in a skirt, it's pretty disgusting. I needed to see him in rehab getting the help he needs because after all that's happened, Chuck has to get work through his issues before Blair can trust him again. So looking forward to what you think of this chapter as the story moves forward.
Pty – Thank you so much! Happy to hear you liked Nate taking a stand. Glad you liked Eric and Serena's behavior. And I saw footage of Ed Westwick in Manila, OMG he is so sexy with his accent and when he's clean-shaven, so sexy =*) Looking forward to your thoughts on this chapter.
Chairfanforever – Thanks! I can't wait to read what you think of how I'm moving the story forward in this chapter.
Trosev – Thank you! Please let me know your thoughts on the development in this chapter.
GGfan73104 – Thanks so much! I'm so happy you liked the therapy sessions, there are a lot more in this chapter so I look forward to reading what you think in your next review ;)
Akasha-is-cool – Thank you! Chuck has to be my favorite, as I'm sure you've figured out as I write from his point of view the most. Can't wait to read your thoughts on this chapter.
QueenBee10 – Thanks!
Annablake – Thank you so much for the feedback! I have to say, you are the first person to defend the writers and have me see where you're coming from. Not everything is Chuck's fault and we see how Blair responds to Chuck in this chapter so I look forward to reading what you think of it.
Lisottina81 – Thank you!
Cms37 – Thanks so much! So happy you like the Blair and Nate relationship. I can't wait to read what you think of them in this chapter.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl, or Ed Westwick – sigh.
June 17, 2011
Blair,
I've rewritten this letter twelve times and am hoping thirteen will be the lucky number.
My actions of that awful night, and most of this past year, have been indefensible. The only thing I can say is that I'm sorry. Even as I write those words, they seem hollow but know that I mean them with all my heart.
You didn't have to come to me that night, but I'm grateful you did. Once again, you were there for me when I didn't deserve you. I'm beginning to realize we can never go back to what we had, too much has happened for us to do that. That being said, I can't believe I ever allowed myself to lose sight of how important you are to me.
The love I have for you is only thing that's ever been real and true in my life. Reflecting back on our time together, I realize that I took your love for granted and I will forever regret it.
You deserve only happiness and I won't stand in your way anymore. Another realization I've come to is how you are the only one I want to be with, the only woman I ever opened up to and loved with all my heart.
Waiting has never been one of my strong points, but if there were ever a reason to wait, it would be for you. I know that I have a long way to go before I'm capable of having a real and honest relationship with you but know that I'm working on becoming a man worthy of your love once again.
I understand if you want nothing to do with me, I do. The last thing I want is cause you more pain. If there was one thing I learned from my time here so far, it is that nothing means anything if I don't have you to share it with.
This time I plan on waiting for you as long as it takes. If you choose to move on, know that I intend to be alone unless I can be with you. I should have realized this in high school but I was a foolish teenager. You are the only good thing in my life and I won't jeopardize that anymore.
If you're still reading this, thank you for not completely giving up on me. I love you and will wait the rest of my life for you.
Always yours,
C
Blair stifled back a sob when she finished reading his letter, a few tears escaping as she closed her eyes. He said everything she wanted to hear and every fiber of her being wanted to take him back immediately but she had keep to reminding herself that she couldn't do that this time. She needed to know that Chuck would actually wait for her. If he proved that he would, then in time she would slowly allow him back into her life.
As a million and one thoughts ran through her head, she grabbed a piece of her stationary and began to write back to him. Her letter had only one draft as she had been going over and over what she wanted to say to him for weeks now. The words flowed freely as she told him what she needed to.
It was well after midnight and Nate's flight would be leaving the following night. She would give him the letter in the morning.
Blair tossed and turned before finally falling into a restless sleep, unable to close her eyes without seeing her and Chuck when they were at their best, when they were happy.
After eating breakfast with Harold and Roman the next morning, Blair went upstairs with Nate to help him pack.
"I'm going to miss you, Archibald," she said as she sat on the edge of the bed while he zipped up his suitcase.
"I'm only a phone call away," he told her with a smile. "Besides, you'll be back in the city soon."
"Three weeks," she said. "I want to give myself a week before classes start to read my textbooks and take notes."
"Always the good student," Nate grinned. "Even during the summer you're still thinking about school."
"I have to," she told him. "Between my job at W last semester and then spending all my free time with Louis my grades slipped. I failed a test, my first failed test. I need to get back my 4.0 these next two years. School and my internship must be my priority. My future law career depends on it."
"And before you ask, this is how Chuck fits in," Blair said as she handed her friend the letter.
"You wrote back?" he asked with surprise. He expected she might have a message for him to relay back to Chuck but it never crossed his mind that she would write him a letter as well.
"What did you think I would do?" she asked. "Burn it?"
"I don't know," he said honestly, "But not this."
"Well, I did," she told him as he stared at the envelope in his hands. "There were things that needed to be said that couldn't wait."
"Wait for what?" Nate questioned.
"For our therapy sessions," she said, once again surprising him. "You mentioned me having sessions with him and I think it's a good idea. We can hash everything out, just the two of us. It's the only way I can think of that will give us any chance of moving forward."
"I do want to thank you for sticking up for me but I need to fight my own battles with him," she told him. "And keep it between us that I'll go to therapy with him. I need to be the one to tell him."
Nate tilted his head as he looked her and she continued, "It's all in the letter. I will get in touch with him, once I get settled into my new routine. Putting you in the middle isn't what I want but if can you just hand him the letter and let him know he'll hear from me, please?"
"Sure," he told her, "That should get him off my back for a while."
"Now that that's taken care of," she smirked as she pulled him up, "I want to go for one last walk with you before you leave. Let's go."
Nate smiled as Blair took his hand and they made their way outside for one last walk around the vineyard.
June 20, 2011
"How have you been?" Eric asked Chuck as they sat in his room.
"Fine," Chuck said as he remembered his last session where he talked about Bart.
"The same," Eric told him, "Mom's driving us all crazy, at least Serena's back home and I can escape with Rufus and Dan every now and then."
"That's nice," Chuck said as he looked at the envelope on the desk.
"Look at me," Eric said as he waited for Chuck to make eye contact with him before continuing. "I just mentioned Dan and you didn't make a snide comment. What gives?"
"My P.I. stopped by to give me what he found out about that fire in one of Bart's old buildings," Chuck told him. "He didn't kill Avery Thorpe, Russell did."
Eric's eyes widened as Chuck continued, "Turns out Avery was going to leave Russell for Bart. Jealousy took over and Russell tricked Avery into the building before locking it and setting it aflame with her inside."
"You're not Bart," Eric told him. "You never were and you never will be."
"How can you say that?" Chuck asked. "I can't seem to get his voice out of my head and yet again I've failed, just like he always knew I would."
"You asked for help, he never would," Eric said.
"What does that change?" Chuck asked. "So, I asked for help. Does that mean I'm capable of changing my behavior in the future or will I always fall back into my old patterns?"
"If you want to change, you will," Eric stated knowingly. "Seeing as I was in your shoes a few years ago, I can tell you that it's a struggle everyday but you get through it if you want it bad enough."
"Before you answer me, I know you're doing this so you can repair your relationship with Blair. But are you doing this for you as well?" Eric wanted to know.
"Yes, I'm doing this for me," Chuck said with an exasperated sigh. "When I get out of here I want to go back to Bass Industries and they won't let me if they think I'm a liability. As it is I have a lot to prove before I can go back to the work I want to do."
"Mom could help you with that," Eric told him, "If you want that."
"I think I might," Chuck said with a slight smirk, "And we both know Lily could use a project to keep her busy while on house arrest."
"You said it," Eric chuckled.
June 22, 2011
"What do you want, Serena?" Blair asked when she finally decided to pick up the blonde's call.
"B," she exclaimed, happy that her friend finally answered her calls.
"You need to leave Dorota alone," Blair told her. "She's more dangerous than she looks and is really pissed off with you."
"I'm sorry," Serena said, "It's just that I haven't heard from you and I'm worried."
"Now you decide to be worried, after my life went up in flames, again," she exclaimed bitterly.
"I'm sorry," the blonde repeated. "I never wanted to choose."
"But you did," Blair said, "And you chose him over me."
"He had no one," Serena stated.
"And who's fault was that?" Blair asked.
"His," Serena said softly, "But he's trying now, that must mean something."
"It means that for the time being he's had enough," Blair said.
"It's for good this time," Serena told her. "You didn't see him, you didn't see how broken he was when he checked into the Ostroff Center."
"I did see him, S," Blair said. "I saw him drunk out of his mind and stoned when he crashed Sophie's party and humiliated me. I saw him when I went to make sure he was still alive that night. I saw him when I told him my engagement didn't happen because he wasn't the one proposing."
"He didn't tell me that," Serena said with surprise.
"That's probably because he can't remember it," Blair told her. "Serena, you're my best friend and I love you, but I also love Chuck. That doesn't mean I'm going to take you both back with open arms."
"Are you saying that you're done with us?" Serena asked as she felt herself tearing up.
"No, I'm saying I don't have time to deal with either of you for the time being," Blair said. "If you ever want our friendship to recover, you'll stop trying to contact me. When I'm ready, you'll know. And leave Dorota alone."
Blair hung up and Serena was left on the brink of tears. The blonde didn't realize how much damage was done to her relationship with Blair; she and Chuck had a lot to make up for if they wanted what they once had.
June 23, 2011
"Any word from her?" Chuck asked as he and his stepsister talked.
Serena nodded and told him, "I don't know who she's more angry with, you or me."
"I'm going to guess, me," he said with a wry smile. "Out of the two of us, I'd say you have a better chance of repairing your relationship with Blair than I do."
"I don't know. She lumped us both together and told me that while she loves us she can't deal with us for the time being," Serena said as his eyes widened slightly.
"Blair said she loves me?" Chuck asked with disbelief. "She actually used those words?"
"She did," Serena said, "And they were followed by how that fact doesn't change how she feels about us at the moment."
"What exactly did you do to her?" he inquired.
"I sent Sophie her Gossip Girl file," she told him while cringing. "That and I sided with you after the party. I said I thought you two were always meant to be and that wasn't what she wanted to hear."
"This is bad, Chuck," she continued as he just stared at her. "I've never seen Blair like this before, she's resigned from the fight.
"I know her, and this is her way of changing," he said. "What she's done in the past hasn't worked so she's trying something new. I really hope she gets what she wants. Only then can we be happy."
Serena tilted her head in question as he elaborated, "If Blair's not happy, no one's happy. But if she is happy, everyone around her is as well."
She nodded as she knew it was true when she stood up and opened her arms, "Can I get a hug? I really need one."
"No, don't touch me," he told her. "I opened up with feelings to you, that's as far as I'm going today."
"Fine," she pouted as she sat back down, "But I want a hug at some point."
XOXO
"Roman," Blair said when she got back to the villa and saw her stepfather in the kitchen, "Where's daddy?"
"He stepped out for a bit," Roman told her, "Something about going to the market. How was your walk?"
"Fine," she said with a clip to her tone as she poured herself a glass of lemonade.
"Blair," he called when she went to leave, "Do you have a few moments to talk?"
"Sure," she told him as she sat across from him and took a sip of her drink, uncomfortable because she knew what he wanted to discuss.
"How are you, really?" Roman asked.
"Fine," she repeated as she took another sip of her lemonade, all the while avoiding Roman's eyes.
"I understand if you don't want to discuss Charles with your father, but you can tell me anything," he said gently as he took her hands in his. "Whatever you say to me will remain between us."
"You know everything that's happened with Chuck and I," she said as he squeezed her hand in encouragement. "And despite all that, I can't bring myself to hate him, I never could."
"Love isn't easy, trust me," he said with a knowing look in her eyes. "But you know when you meet that one person who makes all the pain worth it for the joy they can bring you. The hard part is getting through the pain."
"But love shouldn't be painful," she said sadly. "Louis never brought me any pain."
"Did he bring you happiness?" Roman asked. "Did he make you feel alive?"
"He made me feel special, and loved," she told him, "But I didn't love him the way I should have, and we both knew it."
"And how does Charles make you feel?" he inquired as he noted how sad Blair looked.
"Crazy," she said with a laugh. "Chuck drives me absolutely crazy, he makes me sad, and he has the ability to make me hurt worse than anybody else. But I still love him and I know he's the only one for me."
"For what it's worth, I think you are playing it smart, as they say," he told her. "You love Charles but you're not going right back to him. Have him prove he's worth you, you deserve that."
Blair remained quiet as she mulled over his words. Sensing her hesitation, Roman sat next to her and enveloped her in his arms, "Everything will work out, ma cherie. I promise."
June 25, 2011
Chuck was back in his room and staring at the envelope Nate gave him from Blair. He could still smell her perfume on it, something she used to do and continued to do. The session with Nate went better than it did last time. Nate was less aggressive and they mostly discussed how he was there during Chuck's detox period after the prince's party and the last time he saw Blair.
He was itching to read Blair's words so he carefully opened the letter, feeling his chest get tight at the sight of her distinctive penmanship.
Chuck,
I was glad to hear you're getting the help you need, and to know you checked in voluntarily was even better.
You aren't the only one who's made mistakes in our relationship. I could have taken you back at different points but our timing has always been wrong. It still isn't the right time for us.
Loving each other was never our problem, it was fully trusting the other. I do love you but I need time to learn to trust you again.
When I get back to the city, I'll contact you when I'm ready to talk. You told me you'd wait for me, so wait. I need to know you will if we're ever to work towards rebuilding us. Give me time, I need more.
B
'She still wants me,' Chuck thought to himself as he lay in bed with his eyes closed. 'Even after all that's happened, she can still see us together.'
His mind was spinning as he reread her words again and again. He knew her well enough to know she was still holding back but he also knew that it took a lot for her to write back to him.
With everything still fresh on his mind and raw, he decided to give the journal writing exercise a chance. Writing that letter to Blair made him feel better; knowing he was able to put words to what he was feeling really helped.
'What could it hurt at this point?' Chuck thought as the words flowed out of him.
Please review to let me know you'd like me to continue. And if I haven't heard from you yet, leave a review. Lots of you have favorited or alerted this story but have yet to leave a comment. I'd love to hear your thoughts and it's very easy to do, not to mention it would really make me smile =D
I hope the wait for this chapter was worth it, it took a long time to write and I really look forward to what you write in your reviews. It jumps around to different characters but I wanted to include all of them and their points of view. The next chapter won't jump as much.
My goal is to have the next chapter posted by next week, it's all sketched out. I already have most of their initial therapy sessions written as it's enabled me to work out my frustrations with what happened with the Empire, Jenny, Eva, and Raina. All mistakes and all of which Chuck should have known better. I won't rant here, I'll let you all read my thoughts on this starting in chapter 7.
On that note, I have a question. How do you think I should pace this story? The next chapter will jump to the end of summer and I'm wondering how long Blair should wait until she talks with Chuck. Also, when do you think they start therapy together? I do want to include her 21st birthday party in a future chapter so their pace will affect the tone of that.
I really look forward to your feedback and always try to capture your suggestions and incorporate them into my stories. Thank you in advance!
Remember, more reviews = more love = faster update. And I loved detailed reviews, the longer the better =)