Chapter 8
Author's Note: Thank you all so much for the detailed feedback, you have no idea how much it helps me! I really appreciate what you think of the characters and I'm tweaking my future chapters accordingly. I loved the suggestions you gave so look for them in the coming chapters.
I really struggled with this chapter because I wanted to pay heed to all your feedback. In the last chapter, Blair was extremely guarded because she doesn't trust herself with Chuck, if she's not careful she believes they will fall right back into their old routine of just sex and she knows she won't be able to handle that. As for Chuck, he really doesn't want to piss her off any further so he's walking on eggshells for the time being. But they'll snap at each other and their tenuous relationship will get more tenuous at points.
I'd also like to share how I see the characters' approach to therapy. Blair, while still in love with Chuck, doesn't understand how she still can be and is struggling to become her own woman while still wanting him. She's able to keep it together around other people but is a wreck on the inside. Chuck, on the other hand, is extremely grateful that Blair is willing to give him another chance and is biting his tongue more than he normally would for fear of her calling it quits for good.
Remember, this was their first time discussing things so it's new to them. Chuck will do more talking in this chapter but at the end of the day, what he's done cannot be equated to what Blair's done and he knows that. They are both in the wrong but he's always more to blame.
Also, these therapy sessions are going to be much longer than I originally thought. There are things you mentioned in your reviews that you wished I had gone into more detail on so I'm going to do just that. It also seems natural that for therapy you don't just talk about something once and then never discuss it again. So, we will be revisiting the Empire trade and what happened with Jenny again.
Hopefully you like where I take this and please, continue to tell me what you want to read and I will do my very best to include it in future chapters. But remember, what I think is important and a big issue may differ from what you think. So, just tell me your thoughts and I will do my best to reach a happy medium for us both =D
And just to keep track of the time, this chapter has two therapy sessions that are a week apart so we end mid-October. Do you all remember what's in mid-November? I do ;)
Random song suggestion – Faith Hill's "Love Ain't Like That" reminds me of Blair and Chuck in this chapter. Their love is anything but easy but neither of them is willing to let go of it because they both know that they will never find it again with anyone else. Let me know what you think of it if you listen to it =)
By the way, I've updated Of Course and the new chapter of The Way We Were will be up shortly.
Thank you all so much for the feedback, you'll notice that your comments were read and I've addressed most of them.
88Mary88 – 100th review! Thank you so, so, so much! I absolutely love long reviews and hope you continue to leave them, I love reading your feedback. Workaholic Blair is amazing and she continues to be that way. And she must become her own person without anyone else's help before she can be with Chuck again. I can't wait to read your thoughts on this chapter.
Shop247 – Thank you! I'm glad I was able to surprise you and that you like how Blair and Chuck are in this story. Looking forward to what you thought of them in this chapter.
24hrscout – Thanks! I feel for you on the pain in this story, usually I write Chuck and Blair in a slightly better place but wanted to try something new. I'm looking forward to what you think of this chapter and what you'd like to read next.
Pty – Thanks so much! I'm hoping this is another intense chapter as well. I agree with the new cast member, could it be Charlie/Ivy? Or is it someone else? I really hope it's not the prince because he and Blair cannot get married I tell you, they cannot. I won't rant and I look forward to your review of this chapter.
Syatapandlisten – Thanks! Let me know how you like this chapter.
Tiff xoxo – Thank you! Looking forward to what you think of how this chapter played out.
Xocbx0 – Thank you! What would you like to read in the coming chapters? I love feedback and can't wait to read yours.
Ellibells – Thank you so much! Chuck does talk more and tries to explain why he gave in and Blair continues to struggle with how she feels. As for Chuck being there for Blair emotionally, I've been planning a scene a la Casino Royale. Remember when James walks in on Vesper crying and soaking wet in the shower, something like that. What do you think? Can't wait to read your thoughts on this chapter.
Maribells – Thanks so much! I totally agree on wanting their dynamic to be more balanced and it will be, but it will take some time before it gets there. That being said, I hate having Blair act like a victim. Yes, she is pissed at Chuck in this story and he is desperate for any time he can get with her but I don't think he's begging for just scraps. Blair makes it crystal clear that she wants him and loves him but needs time, and Chuck is doing his best to respect that. As for the OOC, I'm having them mature so hopefully that's where it's coming from. The push and pull between them continues and I can't wait to read what your take on it is.
TriGemini – Thank you so much! Agreed, Chuck does have issue with Blair's relationship with Dan and goes off on her about it. And it is pretty torturous for them to be so close to each other but still so far apart emotionally. While their issues did start from the first time they slept together, this story will only tackle the issues from the Empire trade on. Too much has been said and done and I really feel that anything that happened before they started dating they've already come to terms with. I hope you get where I'm coming from. As always, looking forward to your next review.
Trosev – Thank you! Can't wait to read your comments on this chapter and any suggestions you may have for future chapters.
GGfan73104 – Thanks so much! So glad you like where this story is going. I'm looking forward to reading your review of this chapter.
Chairfanforever – Thank you! Chuck does explain more why he was with Jenny. What do you think Blair's done wrong? I want to try and include as much of what you want to read as possible. Can't wait to read your thoughts on this chapter.
Layla Waldorf-Bass – Thanks! They are definitely endgame but it will be a while before they are a couple again. Any suggestions on how they can get there? Looking forward to your feedback on this chapter.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl, or Ed Westwick – sigh.
October 17, 2011
"We ended last week with you making a very big accusation," the therapist started.
"I was upset, and what I said was true," she stated icily. "If he didn't run away, if he stayed and tried to fix things with me, he never would have been in that alley and he never would have been shot."
"But he did run," the doctor stated as Chuck cringed. "And a series of events unfolded that can't be taken back. Nothing can be done at this point expect forgiveness."
"I've forgiven him for a lot," Blair told him. "I still can't wrap my head around how I went to meet him at the Empire State Building last year. He willingly deceived me and I was willing to sleep with Jack to save a hotel. Yet with all that and all the women I knew he was with from the time I broke up with him, I still would have welcomed him back with open arms."
"I'm sorry, I really am," Chuck said, growing frustrated.
"Stop apologizing," she said as she finally looked at him. "I get that you're sorry, I'm sure you wish you could do it differently. At least I hope you do," she added while looking away.
"Believe me, not a day goes by where I don't wish I kicked her out," he told her.
"Can you tell me, without saying her name," Blair emphatically expressed as she looked at him again, "What possessed you to sleep with the one person you knew I wouldn't be able to look past?"
"I thought you were done with me," he told her once more. "Nothing mattered to me at that point. I know it's something I shouldn't have done and I am sorry for it, but at the time she was there and I honestly thought you would never want anything to do with me."
"I shouldn't have but I did, and I do," she said as she looked at him sideways, feeling herself get flush. "Maybe your reasoning makes sense but it still hurts. And what sucks is that this all happened over a year ago and it feels like it just happened. We have so much left to discuss."
"That's what you're here to do," the therapist said. "As painful as it is to talk about, discussing the past will make it easier to move on. But let's get back to where we were last week, you were very upset with Chuck moving on."
"Moving on? He not only brought her back to Manhattan to rub in my face, he gave her a foundation and declared to everyone how that dirty whore made you a better man," Blair spat. "I was the one who made you a better man. If it weren't for me you'd still be drinking a bottle of scotch with a different hooker in your bed every night."
"I'm sorry," he exclaimed again. "Eva was a mistake and we all know that."
"Stop it, now," she snapped. "Those words mean nothing anymore. Just like saying I love you won't fix us, apologizing won't lessen the sting of what happened."
"What do you suggest then, Blair?" the therapist asked.
"He's sorry, I get that," she stated. "I'm sorry, and he knows that. But actions need to speak louder than those words now."
"What do you want me to do?" Chuck asked with frustration. "You don't want to see me outside of these sessions and you're always busy. How am I to show you how truly sorry I am if you won't spend any time with me?"
"I don't know, I really don't know," Blair said as she remembered what they were talking about in the first place. "What I do know is that when I scared your little tramp off you made my life hell. You ruined plans I had made for school and my career without any second thought.
"I asked you that night if you did it because you still loved me," he said. "You told me no. Did you really think I'd sit back and let you get away with that?"
"You really are a moron," Blair exclaimed. "Did you expect me to admit that after everything you did to me? Yes, I gave you back the ring in Paris and told you I didn't love you anymore. I was heartbroken, and so afraid to let you back into my life only to get hurt again."
"And what did you do?" she cried as her tirade continued. "You declared war on me and proceeded to ruin me. Bringing back Little J was low, even for you."
"We were at war, Blair," he said as he lowered his voice. "I play to win."
"So do I," she said, "But I wouldn't have brought her back."
"Only because you hate her," Chuck said.
"No, because hearing her name or seeing her face is like a stab in the heart," Blair told him. "But you slept with her and there's no taking that back. We may have broken the truce we signed but the hate sex sure brought us back together."
"We were so happy those few weeks," Blair stated with regret in her eyes. "Everything was light and we couldn't get enough of each other."
"I thought we were finally going to get back together then," Chuck said as his hand inched closer to hers but stopped short of touching it. "I shouldn't have let you walk away the night of Saints and Sinners, I should have fought for you."
"And I should have taken you back," she told him as she felt herself getting choked up at her missed opportunity. "I regret that every day. I know I told you I didn't expect you to wait for me but you just brushed me aside like I meant nothing."
"You didn't want me," Chuck exclaimed. "You agreed that we'd eventually find our way back to each other. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting you go. I was trying to make you happy."
"But you didn't need to move on so fast," she cried out. "How can you say you know me better than I know myself when all you do is hurt me? I wanted you to fight for me and you didn't. You never do until it's too late. You just find the next attractive warm body and forget everything we have."
"I don't even know why I'm here," she said softly and full of sadness, mostly to herself but Chuck and the therapist heard her. "There's no way we can get back what we had."
"We can try to be better," he said gently as he went to reach for her hand but withdrew at the last moment when he remembered her conditions. It got her to look at him though as he continued, "I've been miserable to you and I hate myself for that. There's no way we can go back but I'm not running away anymore.
"Question," the therapist said as they looked at him with confusion in their eyes. "Chuck, I've noticed that you'll reach for Blair and withdraw at the last second. Why is that?"
"No touching," he stated as Blair looked away and fiddled with the hem of her skirt. "It was one of her conditions."
"Conditions?" the doctor questioned as he wrote this down. "What kind of conditions?"
"To be here," Blair said. "Things between Chuck and I can get very complicated when there's any skin to skin contact. I want to keep things between us as platonic as I can until our issues are resolved."
"How can a touch as innocent as reaching for your arm be too much?" the doctor questioned.
"Because it will soon escalate to more and I want to prevent that," she said. "I'd rather be too cautious that get hurt again."
"I love you, I'm not going to do anything to make you upset anymore," Chuck told her. "No one comes close to how I feel for you."
"You keep claiming that I'm the love of your life but you have a rotten way of showing it," she stated as she moved as far away from him as she could without leaving the couch.
"Announcing that you were off to enjoy sex games with women in the rainforest," she cried as she brought them back to the issue they got sidetracked with. "A slap in the face would have felt the same."
"You could have tried to stop me," he told her, angry that the blame kept falling on him.
"I followed you to the elevator," she said. "I all but begged you not to leave, yet you did. Even I have my limits when it comes to you."
"Why are you even here?" he exclaimed as he got more and more irritated with how she was treating him. "Is this just a game for you? Are you toying with me by letting me think we have a chance only to pull the rug out from under me at some point?"
"How dare you?" she seethed through clenched teeth in a low voice. "I am here to try and move past the pain we caused each other. We hurt each other, Chuck, that doesn't go away overnight."
Once again, he was rendered speechless at how composed she was able to stay when she was obviously so upset.
"Don't say it, I know," she told him when he went to apologize. "I have to get back to Columbia," she said as she looked at her watch. "We still have a long way to go, but I'm not giving up."
October 22, 2011
Chuck sat in the living room of his new apartment with Eric. He came home for the weekend and spent most of Saturday with Chuck.
"Are you okay?" Eric asked. "You haven't said two words. Did something happen with Blair?"
"Yes," Chuck told him, "And no."
"How cryptic," Eric said with a small smile on his face, not realizing how upset Chuck really was. "Why yes and no?"
"I went off on her and she didn't get mad at me," Chuck said. "She just seems sad."
"That must be killing you," Eric said as he touched his stepbrother's arm.
"I don't understand why she's doing these sessions with me," Chuck told him. "She's still angry but is freakishly calm. I'd feel better if she went off on me."
"It' Blair," Eric said. "She never does what you expect, and she's always had a very tight reign on her emotions. Have you talked with her outside of the therapy sessions at all?"
"She won't see me outside of therapy," Chuck said. "We're going nowhere at this rate."
"Tell her this," Eric suggested. "On Monday, tell her you want to spend more time with her."
"Have you lost your mind?" Chuck asked. "She'll cut me off if I do that."
"You're Chuck Bass, when do you ever hold back?" Eric asked.
"Since I checked myself into rehab," Chuck told him with raised eyebrows. "Have you blocked out what happened this summer?"
"I get that you feel awful about what happened and don't want to get her upset, but there are two of you in therapy," Eric said. "If this is something you want, you need to tell her."
"Before you bite my head off, hear me out," Eric continued as Chuck stared at him. "You're asking to spend time with her to prove you've changed. Show her this is sincere and that you don't want to hold back how you feel. I guarantee you she'll appreciate that."
"And how am I supposed to do that?" Chuck asked.
"I don't know," Eric shrugged, "You know her better than anyone, you'll figure out what to do sooner or later."
October 23, 2011
After a stressful yet productive week of classes and interning, Blair decided to spend her Sunday morning in the Park feeding the ducks. Dorota said she would go with her but Blair didn't want to keep her from Ana and Vanya. Besides, she felt she needed more independence than she had in the past. Having her maid with her during her every waking hour was not providing it. That and she also quite enjoyed having the penthouse to herself.
No one bothered her as she fed the ducks, smiling as they all swam to where she threw the bread. When the loaf of bread she brought with her was gone, she started to make her way out of the Park. She had an economics exam to study for as well as starting to research her term papers. With her supervisor at work allowing her to accompany him to court, she would need the time to brush up on the various cases.
She was almost at the entrance when she spotted Lily walking in. Blair tried to turn away and get home without being seen but Lily saw her and was on her way over.
"Blair," Lily called out as Blair froze and slowly turned around. She was in no mood to be lectured yet again on why she should go easy on Chuck.
"Lily," Blair said politely, "I was just on my way home to study for an exam."
"Can we talk?" Lily asked. "I've been meaning to get a hold of you."
"That's nice but I really need to get going," Blair told her as she tried to inch away from her.
"How are things with you and Chuck?" Lily asked, skipping right to the topic she wanted to discuss. "He's very quiet about everything with you two."
"Please," Blair said, "You don't know the whole story."
"Will you tell me?" Lily asked
"I'm sorry, I don't have time," Blair told her
"Blair, please," Lily beseeched as she put her hand on the younger woman's arm. "I only know Chuck's side of it."
"Fine, I'll give you the brief version," Blair said as she shifted her purse from her right to left arm. "We both hurt each other, in ways only the two of us know. But even with that, I want to make us work, but it will take time. And I really don't need you or anyone else giving input into how I should move forward with all this."
"All I want is for you two to be happy once again," Lily said. "You were so good together."
"We're in therapy, Lily, a reconciliation won't happen overnight," Blair told her. "Please, stop pushing me. And let Serena know that as well, no one is going to force my hand on this. I really do need to leave now, have a good weekend."
October 24, 2011
"Raina Thorpe was probably the second worst mistake you made after Little J," she said as they were back in the thick of it at their next session. "She was supposed to be leverage for you, not someone you grew feelings for. And so quickly might I add."
"She means nothings to me," Chuck told her. "Any feelings I had for her were only to get her to trust me."
"You called her sacred," Blair said as she cringed at the memory and the color drained from his face. "Yes, I heard that. Dan and I were hiding in the next room."
"I only said that because she told me nothing was sacred to me," Chuck said. "At the time I needed to say whatever I had to in order for her to stay."
"And even then, she didn't," Blair told him. "Another slap in the face for nothing."
"What about you and Dan?" Chuck asked as he raised his voice, realizing that he had issues with what she'd done as well. "You hated him as much as I did. Can you honestly tell me you didn't become friendly with him just to make me jealous?"
"Not everything is about you, Chuck," she said as she forced herself to stay in control of her emotions and not let on too much how distraught she really was about how he was with Raina. "Dan was the only one left in New York during the holidays, and the more time I spent with him, the more I realized I enjoyed his company."
"So much so that you kissed him," he said angrily.
"Yes, and it made me want you even more," Blair told him with sadness in her eyes. "I was ready to take you back, no questions asked, but when I found out you arranged for me to work that shoot it felt like another betrayal."
"I was only trying to help you," he told her. "If you would have let me explain."
"If I let you explain I knew I would fall right back into your arms and I couldn't do that," she started to say when her phone alarm went off. "We have more to talk about but it can wait until next week, we're done for today. I'll see you soon."
And Blair was out the door like she was every week, as soon as their hour was up. She returned each week but Chuck felt like they weren't making any progress.
"What are you feeling?" the doctor asked. "You've been talking a lot more than you did in our first session."
"Her conditions are holding us back," Chuck said. "How can we get anywhere if we only talk for an hour a week?"
"You need to bring this up next week," the doctor said as he wrote something down.
"I know," Chuck said as the therapist all but reiterated Eric's sentiments. "And I will."
Please review if you'd like me to continue. And if I haven't heard from you yet, leave a review. Lots of you have favorited or alerted this story but have yet to leave a comment. I'd love to hear your thoughts and it's very easy to do, not to mention it would really make me smile =D
If you didn't read my note at the top, please look at it as I explain a lot in it.
So, I revisited already touched upon events because you brought to my attention that they should have been talked about in more detail. Thank you for that, your feedback is really helping as this angst is new for me to write and I appreciate all of your comments. This chapter was also shorter than usual because I'd like to hear more from you before I continue with their sessions. I also wanted to have a short scene with both Chuck and Blair with another character.
What specifically do you think Blair's done wrong that needs to be talked about? I have some things in mind but am sure I'm missing some that I'd like to add if you bring them to my attention for the next chapter. I really can't think of anything other than her tricking him into kissing that guy in season three. She did do some crappy things to him in seasons one and two but I don't plan on going into that. They dated for a year so in my mind anything before that has been forgiven. There's also so much more to be discussed that I'm not going back that far. I may touch of some of what happened but nothing in-depth.
I must say, even though I'm the one writing this, I find Blair's calm behavior slightly creepy. But then again I'm drawing on how I am when I get pushed over my edge – if I scream and yell and cry, you know you're okay because I'm emotional; when I feel really taken advantage of and just plain sad, I get very quiet and remain calm because I know the second my emotions break, I'm done for and the tears won't stop. That being said, Blair's calm can only last so long before there are little pieces of her all over the walls.
Blair's birthday party will at the end of the next chapter and Chuck's invited, Serena as well. I figured it's about time we bring the blonde back into the storyline. We will also see Chuck getting more and more frustrated with the wall Blair still has up between them. Also, she is secretly falling apart and desperate to keep up her perfect façade. But, as we all know, that can only last so long until someone finds out, and that someone will be Chuck.
I've also updated the poll on my profile page and would love if you voted as I'm trying to figure out what my next rotation of stories will be. But don't worry, I'm nowhere near done with my current stories, it will be a while before the new ones are posted. Thanks in advance!
Remember, more reviews = more love = faster update =) And I love detailed reviews, the longer the better.