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10 minutes later, Castle re-entered his living room with two cups of coffee and handed one to Beckett, who was seated on his couch, clad in a pair of his sweatpants and one of his hoodies while her clothes tumbled around in the dryer.
He didn't take a seat next to her on the couch like he would have in the past. Instead, he stood to the left of the couch, and leaned against the wall.
Silence lapsed over the pair, neither one of them willing to make the first move.
Finally, Castle had had enough, "Give me a reason," he stated in a kind of deadly calm, the pent up anger from the past two weeks pushing to the forefront of his emotions.
"Excuse me?" Beckett asked.
"Give me a reason," Castle reiterated, not looking at her, "Give me a reason to forgive you. After the hell you put me through, give me one good reason why I should just accept you back," he paused just a moment, "You know, Lawrence Durrel once said, 'there are only three things to be done with a woman. You can love her, suffer for her, or turn her into literature'. It would appear, that I've done all three. So, who's to say that this isn't as far as we're supposed to get? Give me a reason, Kate," he locked eyes with her, "Because I swear, I'm this close to giving up this time."
"I know you are," Beckett told him, staring down into her coffee cup, "But you're my best friend, Rick. And I love you even though I've tried to make myself stop. And I'm not saying that that makes what I did okay, but I'm saying that if you do decide to forgive me, I promise you nothing like this will ever happen again," she glanced up at him and whispered, "I'll do it right this time."
Castle stayed silent for a bit, and then said, "You said you had an explanation?"
Beckett nodded.
"Then explain."
"It was a case," Beckett began, "Narco got me involved after this gang they were chasing had offed a few guys. All my cases. Garden-variety homicides. Nothing I called you in on. They asked me to help out. Maybe look a little deeper into these cases, see what I could come up with," she locked eyes with him again, "They asked me. Alone. Without you. So, for the time being, I kept you out. It wasn't my call to make. I was going to tell you anyway though, when I got a break in one of the cases. And it traced back to Alexis's school."
Immediately, Castle stiffened, "Alexis? What does Alexis have to do with all this?"
"That's exactly why I didn't tell you," Beckett told him, "I knew I couldn't clue you in on the case if anything even remotely connected to Alexis was involved. Because if there's one thing I know about you, it's that you would do anything to protect your daughter. And I also know that if I limited your access, you would go rogue. Which wasn't an option in this case. These guys…they're dangerous. They would kill you without, without remorse, without hesitation…without regret. I couldn't risk it."
A new look had passed over Castle's face, "You didn't want me getting hurt?"
Beckett nodded again, "So, I had to come up with a plan. I had to figure out a way to get you to stay as far away from the precinct as possible, with no chance of ever coming back. Asking you wasn't going to do it. Telling you wasn't an option either…which left me with hurting you. I knew, Rick. I knew exactly what I had to do to get you to hate me, and I knew that I risked having you feel that way for the rest of your life. But I also knew I didn't have a choice. So I did it. And I would do it again. To protect you. To protect Alexis. To protect Martha…I'd do it again. I'm not sorry for what I did. I'm sorry for how much it hurt you," she looked away, "It hurt me too."
"How do I know you're not just going to kick me out again in a week?" Castle asked, "You kind of have a history of it."
"I know," Beckett said.
"I'm just so mad at you," Castle nearly whispered.
"I can't say I blame you," Beckett conceded.
"Because the thing about loving someone more than you knew was possible, is that when they hurt you, they hurt you good," Castle set his mug down on the coffee table and took a seat on the couch, being sure to place plenty of distance between them, "And you know, Kate, I tried. I tried to make you happy. Every day, I tried my very hardest. And sometimes, it seemed like it was enough. But there was always that doubt in the back of my mind. What happens if she gets tired of me? What happens if she meets someone better? What happens if she moves on? So when you came to my place and said what you did…it was like my worst nightmare."
"It was enough," Beckett told him genuinely, "You've been better to me than I've ever known. And even though I didn't show it, I appreciated it. You were always there for me, you know? For anything. You were my partner, my back-up, my confidant, my anti-depressant, my…my everything. I didn't realize just how much so until you weren't there anymore."
Castle absorbed what she was saying, but set it to the side for now, "What about Alexis? How was she involved?"
Beckett took a deep breath, she had known this one was coming, "One day when I was at the school asking some questions, I heard a scream coming from the girls restroom. I ran in there and found Alexis pointing to a body that she had found in a stall. I asked her the necessary questions, and took her for a cup of coffee to calm her down. I told her everything, and then I took her home. The next thing I know she's up at the precinct threatening to tell you everything if I didn't let her assist on the case," she chuckled a bit at the memory, "When I still said no, she agreed to just be a general pain until I let her on. Along with the blackmail, of course," she looked up at him, a hint of a smile on both of their faces, "She really is your daughter."
"Did you let her on?"
"Not officially," Beckett admitted, "I let her hang around the precinct, but I never took her with me anywhere. I wasn't out to trade one Castle's safety for another. It worked out for a little while though. The boys loved having her around, and she loved being there. She actually offered a few valuable pieces of insight. But...it was clear where her loyalties lied."
Castle furrowed his brows, "What do you mean?"
"A few days ago, she came to me nearly in tears. Told me she couldn't do it anymore, because you were trying to move on, and she wanted to support you. That she loved you, and she had to stick with you. I told her I wouldn't have it any other way."
A look of realization swept over Castle's features, "That explains why she came home so upset the other night."
"Probably," Beckett agreed, "But the case is all wrapped up now. We caught the guys. Narco's back on the case of the gang itself, and the drug ring it's in, but Jimmy told me that from here, it should be easy to pick them off. They've got the hole they need. Which means that, if you do decide to forgive me, there's an empty chair by my desk just waiting for you."
"What would it mean for us? If I forgave you?"
The question caught Beckett off-guard, evidenced by the way she looked down into her mug as if it held an answer, "I want to give us a shot. I'm done running away. Done hiding," she mustered up the strength to make her anxious green eyes meet his cold blue, "I just want to be with you."
The dryer buzzed from the other room, and Castle got up to go get her clothes. He returned a moment later with a neatly folded stack, and handed them to her silently.
Beckett mumbled a, "Thanks", and quickly went to get changed. When she came back out, the coffee cups were gone, and so was Castle. She took a deep breath, and accepted defeat. She had laid it all out on the table, given him her heart, and it still wasn't enough. Silently, she walked to the door. When she had it halfway open, a voice stopped her.
"So, that's it then? You're leaving again?"
Beckett froze, and turned to find Castle standing in a doorway.
"A guy has to pee, and you're already halfway out the door?"
Beckett opened and closed her mouth a few times, feeling foolish, "I assumed you were kicking me out," she said quietly, easing the door shut behind her.
"No," Castle chuckled, "Kate, listen, I…I'm still mad. But…if you want to give this a try then…then we can get through this. I believe that."
A faint smile crept across Beckett's face, "I do too."
"Good," Castle started walking toward her, "But I have one condition."
"Anything."
"If we do this, we do it right. That means if one of us has something to say to the other, we say it. No more games. They're killing us." Castle said seriously.
"Deal." Beckett agreed immediately.
"Good," Castle said again, and then kissed her once more.
Beckett broke the kiss, and wrapped her arms around him. Standing there, hugging him, letting the contact heal both of their wounds.
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