Chapter 15

Episode 104

Recap: The most awkward episode I have ever watched. Ever. Just – there are no words. Except that Chibiusa's back and she and Usagi constantly make scenes in public and you just want to slam your head into the wall and laugh raucously on the floor at the same time. And there is way. Too. Much. Stripping.

I pulled one of those accidentally-screwing-up-the-next-episode's-plot things because Chibiusa sees Mamoru for the first time since she's arrived in this episode, and it's very different from how I had it happen last chapter – but I think it was a little understated in the anime, so I'm not too concerned.

Also, can I just say that Eugeal (the professor's new minion) is infinitely more awesome than Kaolinite. She drives like a maniac and runs over things and has epic hair. *Fist pump!*

So this one's on crack because I got four hours of sleep last night. Very sorry.

Usagi returned from the bathroom with her contemplative face on; Mamoru knew that meant trouble. She stopped halfway to the kitchen with her mouth hanging slightly open, her eyes half-focused. Slowly, she said, "I was thinking…"

He gasped and clutched at his chest, as if having some mild death spasm. "You were what?"

Frozen for a moment, she seemed completely torn between an indignant fury and an undeniable amusement; her face literally wobbled in limbo. Finally she let out a cackle of laughter. "You're such a jerk, Mamo-chan."

"What were you thinking, Usako?" he continued, extra sweetly, as if nothing had happened.

Her lips pursed themselves, seemingly of their own accord. "You're always meaner to me when you get to fight Daimohns. When you don't you sulk, and when you do, you make fun of me." She crossed her arms and glared at him.

"That's what you were thinking that whole time?" he asked mildly, trying to repress a smirk. It was rather difficult.

"No-o," she groaned, collapsing into the seat across from him in exasperation. "What I was thinking was, that Daimohn was about to strip for us, wasn't it?"

He snorted violently, his eyes boring into the polished wood tabletop. "It certainly did seem that way, didn't it?"

"'You shall be surprised at how I truly entertain'," Usagi quoted in her growly youma voice. "What a pervert!"

"Poor Chibiusa," Mamoru said delicately. "People have been stripping in front of her left and right. I'm sure Neo Queen Serenity didn't send her back in time to be exposed to such atrocities."

"Then again, she is nine hundred years old." Usagi rested her head in her hands, gazing dreamily at the wall. "So she's had plenty of time to be exposed to that sort of thing."

Mamoru bit down hard on his lips as he caught her eye; bright blue glimmered in a mixture of genuine distress and a distinct battle not to burst into laughter.

Which, of course, ended up happening, with Usagi's arms sprawled across the table and Mamoru gripping his hair, practically prepared to rip it out by the roots as their chests heaved and Usagi's eyes began to water.

"We're perverts too!" she gasped, swiping the back of her hand at her dripping eyes.

"Oh, no, we're not," he insisted, grinning widely. "We're as innocent as they come. You wouldn't even play strip poker with me."

She cawed in response, her cheek pressed into the table as she looked at him sideways. "That's because I have something called class, Mamoru-baka. Not that you would know about that."

"I wear a goddamn tuxedo at least once a week!" he returned hotly. "If that's not class then what is?"

Her face pinched up in frustration. "Something called virtue, then, Kamen-chan."

He flinched involuntarily at the ghastly moniker, but that wasn't enough to distract him from what she was implying. "What do you mean, virtue?"

"Well…" She turned an impressive shade of crimson. "I mean… you're a college student, Mamoru, I just assumed that you… well… I mean, someone like you, someone as attractive as you, at your age –"

"I'M A VIRGIN," he said loudly. He was never a fan of beating around the bush.

"Oh." She wouldn't look at him. He rolled his eyes.

"You can stop blushing, Usako. I suppose I can't be too surprised with you, for assuming something like that, but I've been a little too preoccupied with visions about you for my entire damn life to really spend a lot of time… otherwise engaged."

Her complexion faded from that dashing crimson hue to a pleasurable pink. "Oh," she repeated.

Amused, he leaned his arms on the table and gazed at her placidly. "Why are you so embarrassed?"

"I just – I should have known," she muttered, avoiding his blatant stare. "It's you, of course you would – but it's hard to imagine you not – just because – it's you, and…"

He chuckled as her eyes slid down his chest. "Should I be flattered?"

"I guess so." She grimaced. "But don't let it get to your head, Cape Boy. We know you already think you're pretty hot."

"You just told me I have every reason to believe that I am," he reminded her.

"Well that's why I'm warning you. You're already enough of a jerk."

"I'm not that much of a jerk."

"You are! Do you even remember the first thing you ever said to me? You mercilessly mocked my test scores!"

"Well, come on, Odangos, no one gets a thirty percent, or whatever it was…"

"It wasn't a thirty percent!" she screeched, rising out of her chair. Her face clouded for a moment as she contemplated the possibility. "Was it?"

He shrugged. "Beats me. But just warning you, if I'm a jerk, then you're absolutely a hypocrite."

She bristled like a defensive porcupine. He shook himself to clear the image from his head; he really needed to get more sleep. "How so?" she demanded.

"First you're telling me how damn gorgeous I am – "

"I did not say that, baka!"

"- and the next moment you're telling me not to take it too seriously. Plus," he pressed on, before she could cut him off again (he was rather enjoying himself), "you were so torn up when Chibiusa left, and now all you can do is fight with her."

Deadened eyes bored into his; it was a scary sight. "Mamoru-baka," she growled. "You are a jerk on days when you fight." She tossed her pigtails. "Besides, she can't quit provoking me. She flirts with you too much."

"She's only eight years old!" he cried, exasperated.

"Nine hundred," Usagi corrected him.

He chortled. "Oh right. Far too old to be scathed by strippers."

Then she was laughing again, and he took that to mean he was forgiven, though perhaps he ought to rein in the provocations just a bit. As much as he teased her –

"I know you just love me, Mamo-chan," she said, leaning across the table to kiss his forehead.

How did she manage to read his mind like that? "You're too good for me, you know that?" he asked her wryly.

Smiling wanly, she headed toward the door. "Oh, I know, baka. I know."

Hey, a crack episode deserves a crackfic. There's my Excuse of the Day (EotD? Yay abbreviations?).

For reading this one, I seriously owe you my soul. Thanks for sticking with me. (: Tomorrow's will be better, I promise..