Counting each streetlight that passes by, Jake allowed his mind to slip into a state of serene and peace, like a little seagull drifting over a mass sea of blue, peaceful cerulean blue, while feeling the wind tickling it through its white fluffy feathers. Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen. The yellow they emitted was a comfortable colour, like a mask of protection one could seek while they strode along the paths that make one feel so insecure under the gloomy night sky, pitch black like robes of a witch.
Sitting slanted on one of the taxi's backseats, Jake rested his left temple on the taxi's door, beside car window while his eyes looked out blankly, not at all following the edifices and structures he passed. Indulging himself in this opportunity he hardly has, he pondered and wondered to the ends of the worlds as his vision explored the sky above him. Now that he had stopped racing with time, he put down all burdens he once shouldered and started realizing things around him. The sky at night was like a black canvas with white minute splotches of paint splattered all over it, messily disorientated yet the overview gives a perfectly well-painted piece of work. This star beside this star and this one so far away from this other one, they looked like a married couple having a tiff.
Listening to the friction between the road and the wheels of the vehicle humming around him and the occasional bumps and seemingly sounds of tiny rocks being crushed as the taxi drove pass, Jake immersed himself in his ever-changing thoughts that run anywhere it wanted to like a golden retriever released into a great field of daisies and green grass, totally comfortable despite the presence of the cab driver.
The moon held high and sat proudly at the furthest edge of the black canvas, away from the common stars that twinkle occasionally as if the luminosity they gave off would allow them a moment of attention beside the eye-catching moon that remained still, slouching back on its high throne away from the commoner's crowd. But still, the Lady moon was the one that captured the limelight of the night ball. Beautiful and noble, it isolated itself away from the little stars that occupied the black marble floors. Jake ogled the glowing moon that shone bronze-coloured and golden light that swiveled around it like dusty smoke. As he pondered and thought, Jake did not like the moon very much. Perching elegantly at the corner of the black canvas, it was the stunning crimson rose among leaves that no one would give a second look at. The belle of the ball it was, but the beauty it possessed was borrowed from the unseen sun that had set. It hangs at the peak of the night sky, powdered with the stolen light, showing off its beauty despicably in the absence of the sun it feared. Jake thought those insignificant stars like gleamed on its own despite how weakly it shone were truly more charming than the moon which gave a fake impression of beauty.
Jake mocked and slapped himself mentally as he realised how stupid and wild his thoughts had overflowed, even to the extent of hating a lifeless object orbiting in space which spoke no words and made no voluntary movements. He rubbed his cool cheeks with his lukewarm palms roughly, squeezing out the last bit of consciousness he had in the dead of the night when he should be snuggling in bed and frolicking in 'lalaland'. Frolicking in 'lalaland' was too much of an exaggeration. In these few weeks, he had been entering a plain of gray, dusty space where smoke spirals in the misty air after he closed his eyes and letting his thoughts dissipate for hours. He had not been able to sleep well. In that gray plain, he was the only one, sitting on the edge of a similarly gray cliff, swinging his legs as his shoelaces flung in midair for ages until the mists rise and swallow him. Then he would wake up, groggy and lethargic despite a whole night of sleep. He cannot understand why just sitting in gray smoke and dust make him so tired like he never slept.
The taxi decelerated and stopped with a little jerk that shook him out of his daydream. He rubbed his eyes while he fumbled in his bag pack for his wallet. After receiving his change and giving his thanks to the driver, he stepped out of the small cab and stretched himself gratefully while taking a deep breath of the sleeping trees and closed flower petals surrounding him. The smell of live wood and pollen, naturally fragrant, woke his sleepy cells a little. Taking long, lazy strides forward like an old moose that had walked most of all the greens he could see, Jake finally gripped hold of the chilling door knob and twisted his key in it. He entered through the ebony door which had a pink droopy orchid hanging on it like a gecko lizard.
For the past two months, he had been going anywhere he wanted like an aimless traveler. He went to the beach, where he sat on the sand till evening when the sun turned orange and pomegranate juice spilled all over on the sky while he observed a little crab made its way home; He went to the farm, where he fed the cows and chased the flustered sheep into the yard while the shepherd dog followed him like a puppy; He went to the library, where he flipped through children's picture books, encyclopaedias, romance novels and the seven Harry Potter books.
He escaped out of town and set a gigantic distance between himself and his family. Safely putting himself in a place where no one knew him, he went alone and left behind everything else that was not necessary. That day he found out about the truth, he saw his mother's crystal tears and miserable face, his big brother's puzzled expression as he dashed out of the door. Luckily, he didn't have to see another loved one in tears as he left the house.
He plopped himself into the maroon couch and watched the fireflies hover around the ceiling light while bumping into it silly. Jake was resting in an unused house lent to him by his longtime buddy. He was grateful he found a roof over his head after he ran away from home on impulse. Yes, it was impulsive and reckless but Jake never thought he regretted it. He needed some time and his mother, too, needed to recover herself. He wondered how things are at home. Had Mom told Dad yet? And what about his brothers? His heart gave a little lurch. Jake was scared that the ones that accompanied him most of his life would give him looks he never wanted to see. Dad surely knows about me… But Klaine and Tovvie… They might be…Jake flipped himself over and buried his face into the couch as he felt wetness overcome his vision.
What would Klaine think if he found out that I was adopted? What would Tovvie think if he found out that I was adopted? What would Dad feel if he found out that I found out? I don't want to break his heart. Klaine… he probably would feel disgusted that I had been living with him all this time when I don't even belong to his family. I'm scared. I don't want Tovvie to dislike me. He's my baby brother, I don't want to stop being his big brother. Maybe he'll despise me. I'm a filthy brat nobody wants. I was abandoned. Klaine would be celebrating now. He's never liked me before. I still remember how he would look at me with a weird face when I tried to play with him. Sometimes when he does play with me, he teased and bullied. He always liked Tovvie more than me…
As Jake thought of this, his pale blue eyes became watery again.
No, no, stop thinking like this! It's only because you feel alone now that you think of it like this! He behaves like a big brother to you too! Just that he is rougher to you! Don't think like this, you idiot! Bad thoughts!
Brown locks covered his troubled squinted eyes as he shook his head furiously. His chaotic thoughts turned peaceful as he remembered that summer when he was making a fool out of himself along with his brothers on the beach, running like mad children while firing buckets of sea water and slushy sand at each other under the scorching sun. He vaguely remembered suffering a painful sunburn the next day because he ran away before his mommy could put sun block on him. He even ate a mouthful of sand thanks to his evil brother with devil blue eyes. He remembered those mischievous cerulean eyes he saw before he was engulfed with piles of hot sand that baked him like a sweet potato.
Jake involuntarily let out a small chuckle.
Tovvie was as cute as ever at that time, although he was always an annoyance. He remembered the breeze he felt and the ticklish feeling from the orange locks of hair that brushed across his arms. They were watching crabs shielding themselves from the gushing high tide together. Tovvie was still so small at that time, his head only reached Jake's biceps when they squatted down on the mushy sand that seeped through in between their toes. Tovvie was his first baby brother and his only. He jumped in joy when the nurse came out of the delivery room with a wrinkly little baby in her arms and congratulated him, "Congratulations! It's a baby brother!" He didn't care how hideous Tovvie looked when he first came to this world, he had a baby brother! He liked to pinch his little brother's soft, chubby cheeks and touch his lofty, fine hair. He watched how Tovvie's wrinkles disappeared and how Tovvie's eyes slowly opened to huge brown honey orbs and then there was the day when Tovvie called him "Jay-jay".
As they watched an unfortunate crab get washed away by the frothy waves, Klaine came along and pushed him into the waters. He was so afraid his heart stopped for a beat because he suddenly forgot how to swim and paddle. When he found consciousness again, he was looking up into wide blue eyes. Klaine panicked when he did not resurface. That evil brother of his pranked him but in the end, it was Klaine, the prankster, who got scared out of mind the most. He recalled how Klaine shook him and questioned him repeatedly, "Are you ok? You sure you're okay? What the hell, can't you swim? Did you drink a lot of water? You ok?" He remembered how painfully and forcefully Klaine gripped onto him while he sat in his big brother's lap, dazed from the shock he received and still shivering and dripping wet in sea water.
Stupid faggot… pushed me into the friggin' water.
Jake smirked at Klaine's flustered face that flashed across his mind.
He remembered how badly Klaine got spanked when their Daddy learnt of the accident. Klaine got punished realbad. That day, he laughed into his pillow when he thought of it.
He felt loved.
Jake stood up from the couch and headed for the bathroom. Feeling the water running from cold to warm, his brain threw him another piece of memory he had chucked to a box called "old stuff".
When he was a little boy, he didn't like to take baths and he always gave his Daddy a huge headache since Mommy was busy with housework and he was left in the hands of his not-so-experienced-with-kids Dad. Jake smiled as he relieved himself of the moment when he splashed soap water into his Dad's eyes as he tried to overturn the rubber duck in his little tub. Despite being a seemingly rough and tough father, Jake's Daddy was surprisingly gentle and fun when he tried to make him take a bath. Daddy would always be the massive sea monster when they took baths together. He would get scooped up from the nice-smelling bath water for awhile and then Daddy would tickle him and put his nose into his hair to smell and snuggle him. It was comfy when he was held in his daddy's huge arms. Those tanned skin and strong muscles smelled of shampoo, his favourite one too. Like any other boy, Jake's ambition when he was five, was to grow up to be like Daddy. He wanted big hands and strong arms just like his Dad's. That would be so cool.
Scrubbing his mess of hair dry with a towel, Jake rocked back on his heels and dropped himself backwards into the huge king bed. He curled into a ball and inhaled the aroma of clothes softener on the fluffy towel he held. He felt hot chocolate swirling in his chest, warm and fuzzy. The high-quality bed gave him illusion of lying in a thick bed of clouds. It's like sleeping in his mother's arms.
Light crystallized blue orbs awakened as his eyes shot opened in an abrupt reminder of why he was here in the first place. He just had a playback of his life movie about all the wonderful times he had, so bathed in his own blissfulness that he forgot that he was now in the state of runaway-from-home.
All the happiness of recalling turned to bitter-sweet feelings that lied stagnant at the bottom of his heart as his pulse slowed like dragged footsteps. He suddenly realised how cold it was. Shutting the windows closed, his body shivered as if cool metal was ran over his skin, leaving goosebumps along its way.
He was confused and unsure of his feelings. He missed home but at the same time, he dreaded it. He wanted to return but fear of rejection and heart break was having a tug-of-war with homesickness. Of all his family members, the one he misses most and feared to be pushed aside by was his mother. The one who was always beside him when he was young, ready to catch him when he first walked; The one who was always behind him when he was running his first race; The one who was always worrying and fretting the most when he was being rebellious was his mother. But sadly, she was not the one who gave birth to him.
He missed those thin arms that held him so strongly and the soft, orange hair that tickled his shoulders as she leaned in closer to give him a kiss. The smile that erupted like a million fireflies dancing in the dark when he stuffed himself with spoonfuls of food while saying that it tastes great- he missed it too.
He pulled the blankets close as he lied down and turned the light off. He felt like a lost baby bird which fell out of its nest with nowhere to go. Exhausted, Jake allowed his eyelids to shut but sleep never came.
In the two months which he escaped from home to search for an answer, he did discover a part of what he was looking for. Standing in front of a vacant unit with the dog-eared note and the silver necklace clutched tightly in his hand, he awaited the arrival of surprise and realization, and finally, tears. His heart beat fast and furiously, like a wild horse galloping free in limitless plains. The anticipation and tension was at an extreme high and he could not help but knock again as silence ensued. But his knocks on the woodwork were ignored until one old, wrinkled lady who he supposed was the landlady, hobbled up to him and croaked, "Don't bother knocking anymore, nobody's living there anymore." Before she could turn to leave, Jake questioned in surprise, "Where did she go?" With a sigh of annoyance, the old woman grunted, "Emigrated." Stunned and aghast, Jake stood rooted to the ground as the bun of white, frizzy hair above hunched back disappeared down the dimly lit stairs.
He asked and bugged, but the elderly woman could not give him an answer as to where the one he was looking for had gone to. After draining all efforts to follow each ambiguous clue after another, he traced it in a beeline to her residence, the silver necklace in his hand. He thought he found it, at last, the answer. But to be disappointed after a whole marathon of seeking a person who he had no memories of, he felt extremely angered and upset that tears welled up in his eyes as frustration overcame him. He squatted in the middle of Street 53, his head in between his knees as he released all pressure by bursting out into tears, sobbing loudly. Passers-by gave curious looks at the strange young man who cried splittingly among crowds of busy office workers rushing on their way to work, oblivious to his surroundings.
Jake's disappointment and anger subsided to misery. Tears wet his face and blurred his vision. There were so many questions left unanswered. Tons of them raced in his mind and all of them pricked his feelings.
Why did she leave me? How is she doing? What is she doing now? Why did she emigrate? Did she plan to abandon me forever? Why didn't she come to find me? Where did she go?
She didn't wait for me. She left for somewhere else. She's probably with her new family now, a new life, a man who loves her and maybe, new children. Maybe she forgot about me. How could she do that to me? So I don't mean anything to her at all?
Maybe that's better. I don't want to be a nuisance to her like how I was when I was born. I'm grown up now, I don't need her. Anyway, I've never needed her. But that was just cruel… I don't know why but I feel so upset. Why am I crying? She's not important. I've never even met her before! Why should I cry for her? She didn't wash my clothes, make my bed, send me to school, make me lunchboxes or even loved me before. She did nothing for me.
But I feel needles inside of me when I think of how happy she must be right now, with her new family, her new children.
Jake lied in bed, considering his next step.
Should he keep searching even though his heart sank or should he go home?