I decided to update, since it was the 3 month update anniversary...
I actually had this written 2 months ago, but unfortunately one of my betas has had a hard time of it lately healthwise. Thank you Jen for your ongoing support, and I'm sorry you didn't get to go through this one. To help her feel better, you should all go read and review her stories (Octoberland13).
My other beta, Solar Eclipses, was as awesome as ever, and any lingering mistakes are mine alone.
Recap: Halfway through New Moon, Bella decided to track the Cullens down to help protect the wolves and the citizens of Forks from Victoria. Carlisle returned to Forks and they left Forks, heading to Vancouver Island, where Bella persuaded him to turn her into a vampire so she was able to defend herself and the people she loves against Victoria. Esme went hunting a stubborn Edward in South America and the Cullens lured Victoria to the island, where Bella fought and killed her, only for Edward to turn up at the entirely wrong moment. Bella ran away with Edward in hot pursuit, and after an emotional confrontation, they returned to the cabin, but things were far from comfortable and Bella asked for space. At the end of chapter 4, Alice persuaded the other Cullens to leave the two of them alone on the island. Edward proposed. The idiot.
Chapter Five
When I didn't respond straight away, Edward asked me again.
"Bella? Will you marry me?"
He looked up from his place on the ground – one knee in the grass, the other with the ring balanced on it in its velvety box, sparkling at me. Edward radiated hope, even if there was a hint of resignation beneath his determination.
I took a step back, like I was protecting myself from all of that hope. He was trying to use it as a weapon, gambling that I wouldn't want to see him hurt.
Even after everything, I didn't want that, but it didn't change my answer.
"No," I said, looking away. In my peripheral vision I saw him slump, heard him release a soft sigh as he dropped to both knees, becoming a penitent at my feet rather than a suitor. In the split-second as I turned my head away, I saw the disappointment he wore, and the complete lack of surprise.
The muffled buzz of a vibrating phone echoed around us. It had to be his, because I still didn't have one. Even without the benefit of Alice's foresight, I knew who it was – Alice herself, texting Edward. I told you so or You idiot! This had to have been what their glaring match had been about.
"I'll keep asking, you know," he said, the promise fervent. "Until you say yes."
"It wouldn't fix things," I replied. "It would be like...like painting a wall that's crumbling on the inside. Eventually the rot is going to show through. It's going to be worse if we don't take care of it now."
"I know," he whispered, "but I don't know how to fix this."
"Neither do I," I confessed.
I finally looked back at him and all of that hope and determination had been replaced by sorrow, every bit as bright as the emotions they were swallowing. The ring had been put away. I fell to my knees in front of him, so close that the fabric of our jeans brushed as I moved.
"I'm sorry, okay?" I said. "I wish there was some wand I could wave to get past the way I feel, but there isn't. We have to deal with it."
He nodded and reached out to brush his fingertips over my cheek. My body blossomed at his touch, part of me uncurling like a flower at dawn, and I was torn between the twin instincts of leaning further into his touch or running from him. Again.
He must have seen those instincts rising in me, because the next second he had his arms around me, our bodies crushed together from chest to hip, his face buried in my neck. I stiffened and tried to pull away, but his scent was all around me. The soft puffs of his breath on my skin as he exhaled against me were delicate, and I melted around him, wrapping my arms around his waist to pull him to me tightly.
Being this close to him – and there was nothing sexual about the way we were holding each other – was like a salve being applied to all the wounds inside me. We fit together. He provided my body and battered psyche with all the comfort I'd been craving.
The only clue to the time passing – since we didn't have heartbeats to measure the time by – was the dipping of the sun below the tree line, casting us in early evening shade. It brought me out of the trance I'd been in, reveling in Edward's scent and closeness, and it seemed to do the same for him. Where he hadn't moved for hours, I suddenly felt his lips ghosting across the skin of my collarbone, a hesitant kiss that had the power of a lightning storm. It was like my body was trying to expand, push its way outwards. Everything felt too small, and Edward was too far away.
"No," I said, not willing to surrender yet. He stilled and I felt the long rush of breath in place of his lips, the drawn-out exhale of a silent sigh.
"I know," he replied, his words muted by the way his mouth still brushed against my skin as he spoke. I stifled the shivers it caused.
I relaxed my grip around him and he mirrored me, sitting back until we were merely face to face. As if he couldn't help himself, his fingertips found my cheek again, touching so softly that I couldn't control the tremor that passed through me. He was barely applying any pressure, his touch so light that I could have been imagining it, but it left a trail of tingles behind that seemed to cover my entire body in licks of ice and fire.
"I'm sorry," he murmured as I gave in, relaxing into the feeling. "I've been an idiot. I'll probably keep being an idiot, but then I never claimed to be perfect." He traced the line of my jaw and my spine threatened to turn into marshmallow. "You decided that I was, and that was just because I was like this. You must be able to see now that it's far from the truth, why I thought I never deserved you."
I thought about the way I'd felt after I'd killed Victoria, the horror at what I'd done. I remembered the way the world faded to red whenever I came across the scent of a human. I'd resisted the urge to kill so far, and Edward had given into it for an entire decade of bloodlust and violence. Then again, I'd never met my singer. Would I be able to walk away, the way Edward had when he met me? Would my slate always remain clean?
"I do see you more clearly," I said. "But I still see you more clearly than you do. Remember when you said that to me – that I don't see myself very clearly? Well, neither do you."
He opened his mouth to protest and I covered it with my fingers. He shivered himself, the rich gold of his eyes flooding black. I pulled away and spoke again before he could.
"You have flaws. You've made mistakes. That doesn't mean I still don't think you're perfect. For me, at least. You're perfect for me."
His face lit up in a smile so radiant it should have been visible on the other side of the universe. I forgot to breathe, but since I didn't need to anymore it wasn't important.
"That doesn't mean everything's cool between us," I said, trying to force sternness into my voice.
"I know," he replied, but his smile barely dimmed.
"We have to work on communicating. I have to learn to trust you. You have to learn to trust me and my choices." A sharp glance stopped his interruption. "We have to take things slowly."
"I know," he repeated. He leaned further away, breaking the contact between us, and I missed it immediately. "I think this will be good for us. We have to trust each other when you hunt. We'll learn that way."
I nodded. "I guess that was what Alice saw happening. Although she's off my Christmas card list for the next decade..."
He laughed, a real laugh with joy that thrummed along my skin, and I realized it was the first time I'd heard the sound in...how long was it? Perhaps before he left Forks. "She'll get over it. She just wants the best for everyone."
"Still. It's the principle." I sat back on my heels, ready to stand up. "We should probably go inside. Do you think they took the chessboard with them?"
"I don't really care." I glanced at him, confused by his words. He took my hand, exhaling so I got a gust of sweet breath, enough to make me lose my senses again. "In the interests of trust and honesty, there's one last thing I think we need to cover."
"Uh?"
"I kept you at arm's length when you were human, literally. We never really discussed the physical side of our relationship. I tried to make it clear to you that I was afraid of hurting you if I lost control, but I think – at least the impression I got – was that you thought I didn't really want you in that way."
This was not a conversation I needed to be having. Not when my head was spinning, and Edward's voice was like molten honey across my skin, and his eyes were that hungry shade of black.
"I need you to know that I wanted you." His fingers skimmed across the back of my palm, and I could feel that touch all over me. "As much as I wanted your blood, I wanted your body. Sometimes more. And that hasn't changed."
Try as I might, I couldn't find the words to reply.
'***'
Our first evening alone after Edward's confession was...awkward. Neither of us brought the subject up again, but every time one of us looked at the other, it was clear we were thinking about it.
The chessboard was gone. We had to make do with books, which essentially meant Edward reading aloud, lest I destroy such a precious commodity. While he narrated To Kill a Mockingbird, I turned his words over in my head. I sensed the truth in them. Everything about his body language since he returned underscored that truth, but I still couldn't make myself believe him.
Finding a new routine with just the two of us wasn't easy. There were few distractions to be found and I didn't really need to feed on a daily basis anymore, so couldn't even call upon hunting as a way out of conversation. When we talked, it was about trivial things – the weather, the plants and animals we saw in the forest, the news in the headlines. We'd retreated from the common ground we'd found.
At least he hadn't kept to his threat and proposed again.
Frustration found him digging an old cassette player out of the attic – a genuine relic from the 80s, a huge Sony ghetto blaster that through some miracle still worked.
"See, this is why it pays never to throw everything out," he said as he rooted through a box of tapes that had been left to gather dust alongside the player. "Someday you just might need it."
He pressed the Play button down with a heavy click and after a few seconds of hiss, an old Fleetwood Mac song starting playing.
"You hated the 70s," I said.
"Every decade had its moments."
"I never did understand how you thought the 80s were better than the 70s. It all became so mechanical."
"The 80s had post-punk, which was arguably richer in a musical sense than the movement it grew out of. Besides, recording techniques improved by leaps and bounds. Do you have any idea how bad listening to a vinyl LP is with our hearing? Digital was such a relief."
"So you're saying that Madonna's conical bra had nothing to do with it?"
He shot me an unamused look. "That was the 90s – and Madonna never did anything for me. You want to know why the 80s were so good? Here." He stopped the tape and switched it for another one, and this time I didn't recognize the song at all.
"What is this?"
"It's Sparks," he replied. "And do you realize we're having a conversation?"
"Oh. I guess we are."
For a moment it looked like he'd killed it, just by pointing out how easy the words had been flowing, but a second later he lifted up another pristine cassette box in triumph. "Even better – Cocteau Twins. I don't think this has ever been released on CD."
"Maybe there's a reason for that...what on earth is a Bananarama?"
That first real conversation led to others, tentatively. Some were about music. Some were about TV, after Edward drove into town one day and returned with a glossy flatscreen and a DVD player. Sometimes they were even about our history. We went from awkward silence and stilted small talk, to near constant chatter, even if we were still avoiding the big stuff.
Soon I was remembering how easy being with him could be.
At first hunting together had been an exercise in restraint, each of us afraid to really let go in the other's presence, unsure of how our primal side would be received. Edward had already seen me at my worst after I killed Victoria but I wasn't keen for a repeat performance. That state couldn't last, though, and we quickly reverted to full on monster mode when feeding. During those brief moments when the world narrowed to delicious, hot blood, we were for once not each other's centre of attention. But sometimes, when I finished drinking before Edward, I would watch him stalk and attack, the sight doing something to my stomach and knees that was matched only by his smile. Seeing Edward unleashing all the power he was capable of – there was no other way of describing it, it was sexy.
Other times, when he finished feeding before I did, I felt him watching me in the same way.
Once I was quick enough to catch him. I had to back away from the intensity on his face, and before he could even retrieve the ring from his pocket, I cut him off.
"No. It's still no."
He didn't give up, though. That day marked another shift in how we acted around each other. First, he started asking me to marry him. It became a near daily occurrence, and I began to wonder if he was hoping to annoy me into changing my mind. When I asked him that once, he grinned and replied,
"It's as good a strategy as any."
Second, touch became as casual between us as speech. It was very platonic touching, and much of it was spontaneous, brushing against each other when we were close, fingers grazing when we handled an object at the same time, friendly nudges. At least some of the contact on Edward's side was deliberate – when he'd place his hand on top of mine, or let his fingers tangle in my hair, or his face dip close to mine. And the contact didn't scare me. It was comfortable as our banter about bad 80s music.
I didn't dwell too much on the second change. Things were moving in the right direction. It was slow progress, but at least it was progress.
Some weeks later, I found myself at the mirror in my room, staring in awe at my new eyes. My new, new eyes.
"Bella?" Edward enquired from downstairs. I'd come up to grab a book from the closet and caught sight of myself. I didn't look at myself often anymore, since there wasn't much need to when I was naturally stunning. "Are you up there?"
I heard his swift footsteps as he ascended the stairs, and I ran out to meet him.
I'm not sure what I was planning to do as I took a running leap into his arms: possibly land on his back, like a child or a monkey. In my giddy state, it didn't matter – not until I ended up with my legs wrapped around his waist, his hands cradling my butt, our faces dizzyingly close together.
"My eyes!" I squealed, the flush of excitement not letting our precarious position register straight away. "They're amber!"
"Yes," Edward replied, his voice almost hoarse, it was so quiet, "they are."
I suddenly registered where all our relative body parts were. Edward's own amber irises faded through dark honey, to burnt cinnamon, to pure black. I tried to untangle myself, but his grip tightened and he took a few steps forward, so I was pinned between him and the wall.
"Edward…I – we – uh – we shouldn't –"
His mouth caressed mine, barely touching, barely applying pressure. I wanted to give in so badly, let the kiss deepen and wash away the last year. But if I surrendered now, right now, it wouldn't just be a kiss. It would lead to more – to everything. It was obvious, the way our hips were pressed together, how Edward was feeling about the situation, and while my body echoed his excitement, this wasn't the way to go.
He tilted his face, ready to try again, and I turned my head away.
I felt, rather than saw, sense returning to him. The tension in his body went from one kind to another, and his head dropped to my shoulder.
"We shouldn't," he said. "You're right."
A moment later I was on my feet again, with plenty of space between us as he backed away. His face was carefully pleasant, his smile polite. "I didn't realize you hadn't seen them yourself," he continued, turning the conversation back to my eyes. "I'd have told you otherwise."
"It's okay. It was nice, discovering it like that."
"Well, there's no reason now not to try and get you used to being around humans,"
I stilled. If anything was going to kill my buzz, it was that. The idea of purposely being around a human being was terrifying; I really didn't want to know how good – or bad – my control was.
"Do you think that's a good idea? I mean –"
"Bella, you've got to try it sometime. If we don't do this on our terms, one day it'll happen by chance, and then we won't be prepared for it."
"Still, I don't think just heading to a town is the best way of going about this."
"It's not. We'll aim for a smaller settlement first – one of the lodges in the forest. Alice will tell us ahead of time if it's a bad idea."
He was right. I had to do this.
We didn't get chance to try out his plan, though. Fate had other ideas.
We'd started playing ball games out in front of the cabin, testing my skills. It was difficult to keep coming up with things we could play with just the two of us, but I was still a little awestruck at my new ability to throw and catch without causing injury to myself or others, so that made up for the monotony.
One particularly wet morning we were playing a simple version of catch, spiced up by seeing how high we could aim the ball – throwing them at the treetops and seeing if we could climb quick enough to catch them. It was my turn to throw, and as Edward scrambled his way up a spruce, he paused at the top before leaping down to land elegantly in front of me.
"Stay calm. There are some hikers not too far away, and I think they're heading this way."
"Are you sure?" But I could already hear them – the crunch of needles and twigs underfoot – and soon I could smell them too. I reached out to Edward and gripped his forearms, red flooding my vision. I had to be hurting him, but he didn't flinch. I gritted my teeth and forced my feet to stay planted on the ground.
They were definitely coming closer.
"I'll do all the talking," he murmured, and I used his voice as an anchor, fighting my way back through the crimson. I stepped into his arms, taking a deep breath of his scent from the base of his throat, holding it in my lungs.
It seemed to take the hikers – three of them, judging by the pulses – years to reach us, but it could only have been minutes. I couldn't have described them again if I wanted to – they were just three indiscriminate men, wrapped up in all the trappings of seasoned hikers, their pulses the one thing I was interested in. They thudded through me, out of sync and wonderful for it.
"Hi," one of them said, and Edward walked over to them, his smile and posture designed to calm them, even if their instincts clearly worked better than mine had as a human. They feared us, even if they didn't understand why. Their heartbeats sped up and the faint smell of fear rolled off of them.
Part of me relished the scent. It was the precursor to a good hunt – one flash of my teeth and their fear would spike further, the instinct to flee becoming hard to fight. The other, dominant, half was turned off by it. It wasn't a pleasant odor, no matter how much it appealed to the hunter. I clung to the disgust.
"Can we help?" Edward asked quietly.
"We're a little lost," the man replied, waving a map.
I let Edward handle it as he'd promised, sending the men off in the other direction, while I huddled in the shade of a hemlock, swallowing back venom and recoiling from that bitter scent.
When the men were far from our sight, and almost out of hearing range, Edward crossed the grass back to my side.
"Are you okay?"
I nodded and sank to my knees.
"I did it," I mumbled. "I didn't kill them."
"You didn't," he replied, "but I'm going to kill Alice for not warning us."
"No, she did right, even if she saw this happening. I didn't have chance to get myself flustered before it happened. I didn't have time to panic. I think that helped."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah." I let the euphoria sweep through me at the realization. I really had done it. It was only the beginning of what we had to do, but I sprang to my feet, using the momentum to hurtle me into a cartwheel across the grass.
I landed on my feet in a perfect dismount, taking a running jump at a very bemused Edward, which propelled us backwards into the tree. I ended up with my legs around him again, and giggled as he mumbled, "This again?"
"Yes, again," I said. "Only this time I might let you kiss me." As his eyes widened, I reconsidered. "No, actually, I think I'll kiss you."
And I did.
I let my excitement carry me along, but it felt right to do this. I'd asked Edward for space, he'd given it and time had done its work. It was just like facing my fear of being around a human; I had to take the chance and trust Edward again.
Surprise made his mouth tense, but he relaxed after a moment, his lips opening under mine. The kiss went further and lasted longer than any other we'd shared, the specter of danger no longer a third wheel. It led to other new boundaries, the vampire in me demanding everything I could take.
Afterwards, as we lay tangled in Edward's bed, he asked me to marry him again.
I told him maybe.
Maybe was enough for him to apply for a marriage license and for Alice to call me up to plan a wedding. I hung up on her and spent time exploring those boundaries with Edward.
The flip side of success was that we had to keep pushing me, seeing how well I could handle being around humans. We went out at night, slipping past houses and through small towns when everyone was safely tucked up inside, their scents strong but my willpower stronger. Then we switched to dawn, when a few people would be out and about, and gradually the hour crept later and later, until I was out in the closest town at noon, on a street full of people. I could only do it in small bursts, what with the immense concentration it required, but it was too easy for me to remember what I'd done to Victoria when we fought. I didn't want to ever do that to a human being.
I was confident enough that by September, I made a call to the city hall. On my nineteenth birthday I dressed myself in a white shift dress Alice had conveniently left behind, told Edward to wear a suit, and directed him to drive us into the town. It was only when we pulled up to park outside the neat little building with its sign announcing our destination, and I wiggled my fingers to show that I was wearing the engagement ring, that he realized why we were here.
"I've been practicing signing my name, you know," I told him, pulling the marriage license out of my purse. "Mrs. Isabella Cullen."
"You –"
"It's nearly a year since you left me," I interrupted as he seemed to struggle for words. "And since neither of us is going anywhere again, I think it's time we did this."
The ceremony was simple and short. I got through it holding my breath, releasing it only when I had to speak.
Alice was apoplectic afterwards.
I still had one last thing to do, to tie up the loose ends in my old life. I knew that I wasn't on any official missing person's list – I'd been an adult when I left, and left a note behind, so the police wouldn't be looking for me – but Charlie would. The paperwork for the marriage was in my real name, and sooner or later Charlie would come across it. We had to be gone before he came to Vancouver Island in search of me.
Alaska was calling us, under our new identities. We'd have privacy there that we wouldn't get with the Cullens, but wouldn't be quite so isolated. I had to say goodbye to Charlie before we left Isabella Swan behind.
I couldn't do it in person. The changes in me would be too obvious to him, would lead to questions I couldn't answer. The best I could do was a phone call, on a day when I knew he'd be at the station and he wouldn't pick up.
"Charlie Swan," came his gruff voice over the answering machine, "leave a message."
Short and to the point. God, I missed him.
"Hi Dad, it's Bella."
I gripped the phone and stared out across the lawn. Edward had given me privacy to make the call, even if he knew what I was going to say. He was cutting wood for the winter ahead, wood we wouldn't need. Carlisle sometimes let the cabin out to people. The family wouldn't be back here for years.
"I'm calling to let you know I'm okay. I knew you'd prefer this to a letter, so here I am. We're going overseas, and I don't think we'll be coming back. I might write to you again, I don't know. I just wanted to let you know, I'm happy.
"I'm sorry, too. I know I've put you through hell, and if I could've found a way to avoid it, I would have. Just…I'm sorry." I had to pause for breath, to gather the strength to continue. "I miss you. I love you. Thank you for…being you."
I curled up after I hung up, letting the rhythmic swish and thunk of the axe lull me as I sifted through my hazy human memories. I'd always hoped that one day I'd see Charlie again, but I knew now it could never be. Memories would be all I could take with me.
Charlie would try to trace the call, but he wouldn't be able to pinpoint the cabin, just the island. The cabin was, naturally, not in the name of anyone in the Cullen family, though it belonged to Carlisle and Esme. But I wanted him to come to the island, and find the evidence of my marriage, the proof of my happiness. I hoped that would comfort him.
He'd pass the message onto Renee and Jacob. Jake knew what had happened already, if he'd understood the last letter right. I hoped that Renee would see the positive side to all of this. Of anyone, she would imagine me running away and embarking on a great romance, travelling the world with Edward. She'd miss me, but she'd be happy imagining me enjoying life.
Wasn't it true, really? That was what I'd done. It was what I planned to do.
I'd gambled everything on Edward and won. There'd been problems along the way and there were bound to be more in the future. There was no guarantee, despite all my successes, that I wouldn't one day slip up and kill someone.
But it was all worth it compared to what my life without him would have been. When left, I'd seen no future for myself, no happiness, no love. Now, I had all of that and more.
Life – or existence as he insisted on calling it – was what you made of it, and I was bound and determined to be happy.
Together, we would be.
So, if you've stuck with me so far, thank you! That's the end of Red Shift and this will also be my last multi-chap Twific.
Huge thanks to Horizon77 for the original prompt. Also thanks to SugarBritches for the Sparks song - everyone needs to YouTube Angst in my Pants. It is quite obviously Edward Cullen's theme tune.
Also, if you asked Edward, he would say that the reason the Cullens own the complete Bananarama discography is because Alice loved them. He's a liar. They're so his.