- CHAPTER 3 -
Kaidan and Shepard sat in silence in her quarters. Shepard had so much she wanted to say to him she was unsure where to start.
She almost told him to leave. She didn't want to get hurt again and the cowardly part of her was winning at the moment. Don't share, don't let them get close. That was the familiar mantra that she had clung to since Mindoir. Except for a few friends she had made early in her military career – friends she had lost on Elysium, she had followed that mantra. Until she had come to the Normandy, she had stayed to herself. She never shared her thoughts and feelings with her crewmates.
She still didn't understand how this man had worked his way into her carefully shielded feelings. It scared her sometimes that she seemed incapable of staying away from him. Self-preservation would tell her not to get involved, but from the beginning she craved to be near him and talk to him.
The silence was deafening and Shepard let out a long sigh and looked at Kaidan. "I died, Kaidan," she said, barely above a whisper.
Kaidan jumped slightly at the break in the silence and his eyes snapped to hers. She wasn't sure what she saw in them. Pain, grief, regret?
"I know," he whispered. "Anderson received an anonymous package a couple of months ago that contained the Lazarus Project files."
Shepard's face paled. "You saw it?"
Kaidan nodded and swallowed the bile the memory of the pictures brought back. "Did you?" he whispered.
Shepard shook her head. "When I first woke up I came across some personal log entries. What they said about my…condition made me realize I didn't want to see the video."
They lapsed into silence again. Shepard breathed a sigh and decided to tell him what he should have asked when they met on Horizon.
"I got Joker into the pod and was just starting to step in when an explosion took out the kinetic barriers around the cockpit," she looked down at her clasped hands as she said the words for the first time. "I was blown away from the hatch. I caught hold of a doorway, but the power was too great. I knew I wasn't going to be able to hang on. I managed to launch his pod before I was ripped out of the ship."
She took a deep, shuddering breath as the memory of floating in space came over her.
"You remember it?" Kaidan asked. His voice was barely above a whisper and was raspy with emotion. At her nod he put his face in his hands. "Oh, Emy," he couldn't continue as emotions clogged his throat.
Shepard suddenly sprang to her feet and began to pace the short distance between her bed and the desk. After a moment Kaidan got himself under control and looked up at her.
"My air hoses were damaged and I was leaking oxygen. Floating there, watching my ship break apart…" she trailed off and ran a hand over her forehead. "It seemed like forever, just hanging there – cold, so cold. And then my air ran out and I couldn't breathe. Suddenly I felt pain, horrible pain over my entire body. It felt like I was on fire. I tried to scream, but there was no air…" her voice trailed off as she took a shuddering breath as if to see if she could still breathe.
Kaidan made a sound from behind his hands. Emelia thought it might have been a sob, but she wasn't sure.
"And then I woke up and eventually realized I was on a Cerberus facility and two years had passed. Two years! Gone, in what to me was the blink of an eye." She looked at Kaidan, but he still had his head in his hands shaking his head as if he could change what he just heard.
Shepard sat wearily on her bed as the confusion and uncertainty she had felt after awaking came back to her.
Kaidan lifted his head and looked at her, but he didn't move from his seat. "Em, I'm so…sorry! It's not enough and never will be, but I am sorry. I didn't mean what I said on Horizon…" he trailed off.
With a deep sigh, Emelia stood up and began pacing again. "Do you know what the first thing I did was once I got on this ship?" She risked a glance at Kaidan and saw him shake his head.
"Well, actually the first thing I did was tell Joker to set a course for the Citadel," she gave a small chuckle. "Miranda was pissed! We were only an hour out from Omega and had two people to recruit there."
Emelia stopped pacing a leaned against the wall. She gave Kaidan a long look before continuing. "I came up here and went into the bathroom, which I hoped wasn't under surveillance like the rest of the ship." She took a deep breath and looked down at the floor before looking up again and continuing. "I cut my arm," she indicated her left bicep.
Kaidan blinked at her in confusion. "You cut your arm? On purpose? Why?" he trailed off as he looked at her.
"To see if I would bleed," she said intensely. "To see if I was real! Brought back from the dead? That isn't possible, I couldn't…" she wiped at her eyes quickly before looking at him again. "I didn't believe it, so how could I expect you to on Horizon."
Kaidan stood up and walked over to her, but stopped at her raised hand. "Em, I don't know why I reacted that way on Horizon. If I don't know, how can you?"
Emelia moved away from him and walked toward the fish tank. "I didn't understand for a long time, Kaidan. I was too hurt." She managed not to say devastated. "The Illusive Man told me that I had a choice and could leave anytime I wanted. And then he gave me a ship to do just that," she gave a humorless chuckle.
"I thought he was an idiot. Of course I wasn't going to stay! I would never work for Cerberus. But when I got to the Citadel I was rejected by the Council. Anderson said I was on my own, no longer a part of the Alliance military," she looked over at Kaidan and was unable to stop the pain of that rejection from showing on her face.
"The Illusive Man told me I had a choice because he had already made sure there was nowhere left for me to go. He had released rumors before I even woke up to make sure that my old life would be unavailable to me."
"I was a rat in a maze, Kaidan, and I knew it. Knew it and was powerless to do anything about it at the time."
Kaidan scrubbed his hand over the back of his neck and shook his head. He tried to say something, but seemed unable to get any words to come out. He took a deep breath and tried again. "Can you ever forgive me, Em?"
Emelia sighed. "Kaidan, you reacted based on what you knew at the time. What the Illusive Man wanted you to know. I can't blame you for that."
Kaidan walked slowly over to her and ran a thumb over her cheek to remove the tears that were there. Emelia closed her eyes and leaned into his palm. He leaned forward and his lips brushed hers, softly in the barest beginnings of a kiss.
Emelia placed a hand on his chest and stopped the kiss. She looked up at him and saw the same pain in his eyes that she felt.
"It still hurts, Kaidan," she whispered as another tear fell down her cheek. "That you didn't give me a chance to explain. That you didn't trust me enough to even ask for my reasons."
"Emelia," Kaidan choked out as she moved away from him.
"Commander, we're beginning docking procedures at the Citadel." Joker's voice over the intercom seemed overly loud and Emelia winced at the sudden interruption.
She cleared her throat. "I'll be there in a minute, Joker." She gave a quick look at Kaidan before turning her back on him.
Kaidan stood there and looked at her back, her head down and her shoulders slumped. She had wrapped her arms around herself. He wanted more than anything to go to her and took a step in her direction.
She must have sensed his move because she spoke as soon as he took the step. "We have a job to do, Major." Her voice was small and ragged.
Kaidan stood there for a moment longer and then left her room. His heart ached and he tried to get himself under control as he went to change for the mission.
Shepard stomped angrily through the airlock onto the Normandy, Kaidan immediately behind her.
She was furious even though she had expected nothing different from the Council. They had received platitudes from the Council, but no real offer of support. No acknowledgement that Earth was in flames at this very moment.
"How's the Council?" Joker asked in a sarcastic happy tone as she and Kaidan reached the cockpit entrance.
"The same self-centered asses they always are," Shepard growled, but she felt better for getting it out and knew Joker had done it just for that purpose.
She and Kaidan entered the cockpit. Kaidan leaned against the bulkhead near the entrance and Shepard walked over and put a hand on Joker's chair.
"What's our next destination?" Joker asked, looking only at Shepard. She wondered briefly why Joker was patently ignoring Kaidan, but decided this wasn't the time to bring it up.
"I'm not sure yet. Have the senior crew report to the briefing room in twenty minutes for a de-briefing," Shepard looked at Kaidan and saw his nod of approval. "We stopped and ordered uniforms and armor for me. They should be delivered tomorrow, so we need to stay at least that long before heading out."
Joker nodded and she patted his chair before walking out of the cockpit. She and Kaidan hadn't spoken any more than necessary during their trip. The tension from that and her frustration with the Council left her feeling sore and weary. She headed for her quarters to try to relax for a few minutes before meeting with the crew.
Kaidan stayed where he was, casually leaning up against the bulkhead. He stared at Joker with hard eyes. He had noticed the slight the helmsman had given him and he knew it was deliberate.
Joker sat in his chair and returned Kaidan's glare. The angry words that had been exchanged on several occasions with Kaidan after Shepard's death were fresh on his mind.
"I know I am responsible for her death," Joker spit out at Kaidan. "But I'm making up for that. I stayed with her and supported her. Each. And. Every. Day. You ignored the slander the Alliance did to her memory and turned your back on her when she needed you most."
"That's between Shepard and me," Kaidan growled and stood up with his fists clenched. "You mind your place and do your damn job, Moreau."
"My place," Joker hissed at his former friend. "And my loyalty is with Shepard. I don't give a damn what your rank is, Alenko. You don't deserve to be here with her."
The two men continued to glare at each other for a long moment. "I'm not discussin this with you, Lieutentant," Kaidan snapped and turned to leave.
"You destroyed her on Horizon, Kaidan. She hasn't been the same since," Joker said with venom. "If you hurt her again I will gladly break every bone in my body kicking your ass."
Kaidan kept walking. "If I hurt her again, I'll let you."