- CHAPTER 4 -
Shepard waited in the briefing room for her senior crew members to join her. They were getting close to the planet she and Miranda had chosen for the rendezvous. Miranda's brief message had said she, Jacob, Jack and five other former members of the Normandy 2 would be waiting for pick up. Miranda also had the rest of EDI's program and Shepard was looking forward to having the AI back.
Shepard smiled at that thought as her new command crew filed into the briefing room. Kaidan, Garrus, James Vega, Liara and Nancy Lyer stood around the central table and gave the Commander their full attention. Joker was listening on the comm.
"We'll be arriving at the planet in two hours. Garrus and Liara will join me on the ground crew to meet the others. Once everything is set I'll radio Joker to bring the Normandy down so the supplies can be loaded," She heard Alenko's slight hitch of breath. Please don't fight me on this, she thought to herself, but she didn't look at him.
"Lyer, make sure accommodations are in place for the new crew. Garrus, I want you on the main guns, just in case. James, have a reactionary team ready in case of trouble groundside." She took a breath and looked at the wall just past Kaidan's left shoulder. "Kaidan, keep the ship safe until we get back. Dismissed."
Everyone filed out except Alenko who had leaned against the wall, arms crossed. Shepard cursed silently to herself. The look on his face said he was going to fight her decision.
"I am going with the ground crew," He stated flatly. His tone left no room for argument, which of course Shepard ignored.
"We can't both go, it's against regulations."
Kaidan straightened and moved to the table putting his hands on the surface he faced Shepard. She stood straight and unmoving, but was secretly glad the wide table was between them.
"I have your six," he ground out. "I've always had your six. It's where I belong." Except Horizon seemed to hang unspoken in the air.
Shepard tried to keep her anger in check and disarm him with reason. "There are plenty of people on the crew who have my six." Kaidan scowled and his eyebrows shot up. "On the mission! Damn, Kaidan, this is about the mission. Stay focused!"
"This is about more than the mission, Emelia. We need to clear the air between us," his voice was thick with emotion and his hands balled into fists.
Shepard took a deep breath. She really didn't want to have this conversation, especially now that the Reapers were attacking Earth. "This isn't the time for this, Kaidan."
"When will it be a good time, Em?" his anger was evident. "You have stiff armed me since we left Earth. We need to talk about this before we get in the thick of things. I need to apologize."
They were both quiet for moment before Kaidan spoke again. "I'm still sorry for what I said and I want to make it up to you," He said softly and moved around the table toward her.
Shepard moved away and leveled a stern look at him. "Let's just work together and stop the Reapers."
Kaidan froze at her words. "You said you understood my reaction. Why are you still avoiding me?"
"We have a mission to do, Major. We need to focus on that and not on our personal lives." Shepard kept her face and voice impassive.
"You can do that?" Kaidan asked incredulously. "Just be a machine and have only the mission? No personal interactions, no friendships. No one can maintain that pace for an extended period of time, Shepard."
"It worked just fine for me after Mindoir!" Shepard raised her voice for the first time. "Things didn't go to hell until the Normandy. I was just fine until I got attached to y- the crew." She blinked against the sting of tears. She'd be damned if she would let him see her cry.
"Didn't you tell me once on the Normandy that it was the first place you felt was a home? That when you came back to the ship after a mission you felt like you could truly relax and recharge? Didn't you tell me that you felt relieved that you could talk to me and let out all your feelings?" Kaidan stepped up to her and cupped her cheek in his hand. "Everyone needs that, Em. You're coming apart at the seams and I am not the only one who can see it. You need to open up again and let go sometimes."
Shepard closed her eyes and removed Kaidan's hand from her face. She quickly moved to the door, but turned partly to look at him before going through. "I can't, Kaidan." Her voice was rough from unshed tears.
"I knew better than to get involved with you, but I couldn't help myself. Horizon destroyed me, Kaidan," Her voice caught and she took a breath before she could continue. "I can't go through that again."
Kaidan watched helplessly as she left. He felt bereft and heart-sick. He had been so sure they could patch things up and go back to the way they had been before her death. He was completely at a loss now on how to make that happen.
Shepard walked quickly out of the armory to the CIC. She was desperate to reach her quarters before losing control. Garrus was just getting off and greeted her. Shepard held up a hand at him and got into the elevator.
Garrus was shocked at the look on Shepard's face. It was the same look she had after Horizon. He had thought the Commander and Kaidan would quickly reconcile. It was so obvious that they both loved each other. The anger he felt at Kaidan after Horizon came back with double force. Unfortunately, Kaidan walked into the CIC at just that moment.
Garrus let out a menacing growl as he caught Kaidan and threw him into the wall. Before the biotic could recover from the shock of the attack, Garrus put a clawed hand against Kaidan's sternum to keep the man against the wall.
Garrus leaned in close to Kaidan's face. "How dare you hurt her again!" Garrus snarled. "Do you have any idea how your crap on Horizon changed her?"
"Garrus," Kaidan started, but Garrus was too angry to listen.
"What the hell is wrong with you? Why couldn't you just apologize? Just stay the hell away from her now, she doesn't need any more stress." Garrus shoved Kaidan again and stalked away.
Kaidan stayed against the wall for a moment more, keenly aware that everyone in the CIC was looking at him. Slowly he stood up and went to the elevator to go back to his room.
Kaidan was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling when his door chimed to let him know that someone was there.
"Enter, "he said and sighed heavily as he stood up. He really wasn't up to handling another crew dilemma.
The door opened and Joker walked inside. Kaidan looked at the helmsman in surprise. He had said some horrible things to Joker after Shepard's death. Part of Kaidan still blamed Joker for her death. The two of them hadn't really spoken to each other since escaping Earth.
"So," Joker said in an easy tone. "You're still a bumbling ass when it comes to talking to Shepard?"
"I don't want to discuss this right now. Least of all with you, Joker," Kaidan said wearily.
"Why are you sulking in here instead of talking to her?" Joker asked with more heat.
"She doesn't want to talk. I tried and even apologized, but she doesn't care." Kaidan sat heavily in a chair and ran his hands through his hair.
"Shepard never wants to talk," Joker said scathingly. "She hates admitting her emotions and she's no good when it comes to problems she can't shoot."
Joker walked in front of Kaidan and stood there until Kaidan looked up at him. "Kaidan, she hasn't been the same since Horizon. She's been withdrawn and angry. With the crap she went through going after the collectors and the hearing…," Joker sighed at the memory of the collector base. "Shepard's falling apart, Kaidan. She's faced more horrors than any one human should ever have to and she's done it with the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders."
"I know," Kaidan said sadly and then with full anger. "I know that, Joker and I know I caused most of it. I don't know how to fix it! I'm lost without her and its worse having her right here and still lost to me!"
"Make her talk, Kaidan," Joker said as he put a hand on Kaidan's shoulder. "As a friend or a lover, it doesn't matter. She needs to get some of this out and you are the only person she has ever come close to really opening up to. You have to force this, even if it hurts her at the beginning. "
Kaidan gave a humorless chuckle. "It's more likely to make her hurt me."
Joker grinned at him. "That would be okay, too."
Kaidan didn't return the grin, but looked at his former friend with serious eyes. "I'm so sorry for what I said to you, Joker, after…after her death. I know it wasn't your fault she died."
Joker's grin faded and his face showed the depth of his sorrow. "Yeah it was, but thanks for saying it. She still loves you, Kaidan, and she needs you. She tries hard to keep her distance from people," Joker shied away from the little voice in his head that said he should know since he did the same. "Don't let her."
Joker patted Kaidan's shoulder once more and then left.
Shepard had barely made it into the elevator before the tears came. Since arriving at her cabin she had given in and sobbed. She fell on the bed and let out all of her loneliness and sorrow. All the while berating herself for doing it. Since when had tears ever solved anything?
She wasn't sure how long she had been there. The sobs calmed down and now she simply cried. She couldn't seem to stop the tears. She wished her mom was here to talk to. Shepard hadn't actually missed her parents since joining the military. It made her feel even worse. She felt as if she had lost everyone she had ever cared for. Another reason to not get close to anyone, she told herself. It doesn't hurt as much to lose someone you're not close to.
"Commander, we're approaching orbit for the rendezvous," Joker said over the comm..
Shepard wiped at her eyes as she replied. "Thanks, Joker. Have the team meet me in the shuttle bay."
The simple pick-up that Shepard expected did not go according to plan. Cerberus agents had attacked moments after Shepard met Miranda, Jacob, Jack and the rest of the crew.
It had been a quick, but fierce firefight. The twenty Cerberus agents were no match for three biotics, four armed crewmembers and Shepard.
By the time the Normandy landed and Vega arrived with the reinforcements the battle was over. The supplies were being loaded by the crew and the command team met in the comm room.
"What the hell happened?" Kaidan demanded as he glared at Miranda.
"Cerberus," was the brunette's curt reply.
"How did they find out about the pick-up?" Kaidan snarled, making it clear he thought Miranda was the culprit.
"I don't know," At Kaidan's snort of disbelief Miranda continued. "They were shooting at me, too, you know!"
"Enough!" Shepard barked and the room fell silent, although Kaidan and Miranda continued to glare at each other.
"Miranda, they must have tracked one of you to the planet. Use your Cerberus channels. I know you must still have access to some of them. See what you can find out." Shepard wiped at her stinging cheek and looked at the bit of blood left on her hand. With a sigh she continued.
"I understand Mordin is on the Salarian home world. We'll head there next since the Council was a waste of time."
"Big surprise there," Jack commented sarcastically.
Shepard ignored her. "Garrus, grab what techs you need and get EDI back online."
"The VI has seemed fine," Kaidan said in confusion.
"Yeah, except she's an AI and not a VI," Jacob commented as he and the others walked out.
Kaidan stood there with a shocked expression that made Shepard grin. "An unshackled AI, to boot," She said as she moved to leave. "It's a long story."