Carly's P.O.V
Present Time
Hints
A/N okay so I do own something hehe my twitter accounts follow me mileycfan4eva and jmmcfan...those are my two main ones still not owning iCarly...:{
Sam looked up at Spencer as him and Freddie came bursting in with his Mom my arms tightened around her shoulders which were still shaking.
Okay we need to calm down everyone the crisis unit is on their way
Mom we don't need a crisis unit
Freddie she tried to kill herself yes we do
Let me talk to her Melissa she responds to Carly and I
Now Spencer I don't think it will be helpful if..
OUT NOW!
I looked up shocked I had never heard Spencer so mad before, Melissa looked at him shocked but grabbed Freddie and stormed out Spencer slammed the door behind them and leaned against it sighing.
Sam buried her face in my chest holding me she was shivering so I grabbed a second throw blanket and threw it over her. Which seemed to help somewhat Spencer ran his hand through his hair groaning sitting down by us.
Carly can you give Sam and I some private time
No Spencer I'm staying I'm sorry but whatever Sam needs to say she can say with me here
Sam I need you to be honest what's going on? Why would you do something this drastic?
Please talk to us Sam you have been shutting us out for too long
I can't Spencer I just ...it's so hard everyone has opinions of me
Sam you never cared before why all of a sudden do you care now?
It's just so hard Spencer I just want to be accepted and loved
We love you Sam always
Yea but I want someone to spend the rest of my life with that won't happen if everyone hates me
Sam it won't happen if your dead either
You have to live to get to the happy ending
I don't believe in happy endings
Well start cause it's waiting for you Sam your bright, caring, beautiful and talented you have everything going for you.
You just need a reason to keep holding on I think you need to go to a therapist
No Spencer I don't do..
Sam this isn't up for talking I'm in charge of you when your mom's away which is 99% of the time
How?
I know enough from taking care of Carly that every kid needs stability your mom can't provide it so I made sure there was away that if something came up I could make decisions..I had a lawyer draw up a contract and made your mom sign it.
Sam you need help and it's not up for debate if you won't talk to me or Melissa I have no choice..
Talk to me Sam maybe we can avoid going to someone else
Spencer the unit's here...
Sam you have a choice...
She looked at me and then back to Spencer who's gaze never left her's.
She seemed to want to speak but when she opened her mouth and looked at me she made no sound Spencer sighed.
Yes send them in we need them..
Sam buried herself in my arms she didn't want any part of this but she needed it as much as I wanted to protect her cause I knew she didn't want to talk to anyone she didn't know I felt powerless to help her.
Two ladies came inside one was tall with long black hair and pale skin yet she had the deepest blue eyes I had ever seen she was dressed in black skinnies and a purple top that had angels wings on it. I couldn't see the name that was around it or the dates. My eyes were on Sam alone, the second girl was shorter and pudgier but she had the same top on and black sweatpants.
Hello My name is Katie DeGeneres what's your name?
I'm Spencer Shay I'm Carly's Legal Guardian
Spencer shock hands with the taller of the two ladies who nodded as he pointed to me.
They motioned for him to step away from the bed. I heard them talking in hushed tones then they came back and Katie whispered to her partner before they both approached the bed Sam buried herself deeper
Into my arms and suddenly I felt afraid for her and wanted to protect her from these intruders.
Sam hello it's nice to meet you I'm Katie and this is my partner Laura wish we could of meet in a different way Sam we need to examine you will that be okay?
No!
She was quick to yell out as she moved as far away from them as possible her eyes wide with fear. She looked at me pleading with me not to let them touch her. I knew she needed the help and that they didn't want to hurt her, yet my first instinct was to place my body in front of hers and shield her. My voice was low when I replied to them.
Don't touch her
Carly right?
Laura asked I nodded not letting my guard down.
Were not here to hurt your friend were here to help I understand that you love your friend and you want what's best for her right?
She's your BFF and I bet you two share everything with each other secrets, crushes , I bet you give each other advice and do each others makeups and go shopping together...
I didn't want to talk but she seemed so sweet and she seemed to get it ..
That's how it was for Katie and I when we were younger heck that's how we still are just cause were older now hasn't changed anything right hipster..
She bumped her hip against Katie's side causing her to almost fall making me giggle. Sam remained silent glaring.
I bet you two have been friends for a long time Sam seems to really be clinging to you like she trusts you with her whole heart..
Sam looked at her like to say you ain't tricking me into talking. I just nodded Spencer looked at me pleading with me why was everyone looking at me? Why was I suddenly the go to person? Sam curled her knees up to her chest burying herself into my pillows behind me. I swallowed she looked so lost and scared so broken.
I would bet a million dollars Carly that you love Sam and want to be able to share all these awesome times in another ten years..
Am I wrong? Cause if I ..
No your right I want Sam to be my best friend forever...
My voice cracked I knew she would hate me but she needed help and I wasn't the one to give it to her I
Couldn't even come out to my older brother how could I help her? Laura nodded at Katie who smiled at me.
Can we help Sam then?
Yes...just be gentle please...
Get away from me!
Sam tried to kick Laura but they grabbed her and held her while Laura gave her a quick shot Sam relaxed in seconds.
What did you do to her!
I cried out but Spencer grabbed me before I could go after them. Sam lay in a ball arms wrapped tightly
around herself.
We only gave her a shot of Trazodone it will help stabilize her mood and keep her calm so we can talk to her without the fear of her hurting herself.
Can I hold her hand?
Yes I'm sure she would like it it may even calm her down more...
Sometimes friends are the best medicine
I nodded and sat next to her she looked at me I slide my arm over her back she curled into my side resting her head on my shoulder.
Sam My name is Laura can I examine you please? Carly will be right here she won't let us hurt you not That we would were here to help you Sam will you let us?
If Not For yourself for Carly? She seems really sweet and like she cares a great deal for you I bet it would help ease her mind to know that you were safe.
She looked at me and sighed I pulled her close and kissed her head whispering for her to please let them help her she didn't like it one bit yet she didn't fight them just held my hand tighter.
Sam can we ask you some questions and can we trust you to answer them honestly to the best of your abilities?
Yes..you can..
Can you tell us your name ?
Sam Puckett
Sam is that short for anything?
No
Well that was quick
They shared a good laugh at that as I whispered Samantha Laura nodded her thanks at me.
Sam can you tell us your age and birthday?
She did what they asked then they asked her a bunch of questions which made me think.
Can you tell us how you have been sleeping lately? How has your eating been?
She looked at us her eyes looked down but Spencer came over and sat by us Sam seemed to feel safer cause she loosened her grip on me.
Sleeping hasn't been so great it sucks really
Can you tell us why?
Cause my mind just keeps going
What's it thinking about?
Everything school how my grades suck all because of me and how if I don't get into a good college Carly and I will be split up next year
She means a lot to you huh?
She's everything to me
Can you tell me why? I'm sure someone as pretty and funny as you has a lot of friends
She laughed sarcastically
Don't bet on it lady cause you'll lose
Why are you afraid you'll lose contact? Even if you go to different schools there's cell phones internet you can stay in contact
Sure for awhile but then she would get caught up in school functions and meet some cute boy meet new friends and forget about me..
I said nothing but my eyes welled up they were signaling me to keep quiet so I did what they said. She was breaking my heart though did she really think that little of herself of our friendship?
Why do you believe that Sam?
Cause look at her Carly's hot she can have any guy she wants and she well she's smart and funny and
She's ..she's f...g perfect she's the dream girl and I'm..
Your what Sam?
Nothing …
It has to be something to make you feel like hurting yourself is worth it..
Nothing ..
It's okay to tell us Sam we won't judge you ..
I just did aren't you listening to me!
You said nothing..
Exactly I''m Nothing a Nobody a reject a freak ..I'm not worth remembering
Sam!
I couldn't hold it in any longer the tears fell as I wrapped my arms around her they had finished the physical part of the exam.
So you can't sleep cause you think your not worth remembering?
She nodded as she fought off the tears I felt her chest welling up beating harder as she struggled not to break damn I wish she would just break already.
How long have you been feeling like this?
She shrugged not looking up Laura gently placed her finger under Sam's chin lifting it up I saw how her eyes were filled with pain and hurt and anger.
A long time I can't pin point when it started it's just always been there
Has it gotten worse lately?
Yes..for a few months since maybe May or so
Were in September that's a pretty long time to suffer have you tried to talk to anyone?
No there's no one to talk to
You seem to have a lot of friends Sam Spencer , Carly that young man and his mom downstairs
Freddie hates me his mom is crazy and I can't talk to Carly or Spencer not about this
Why not they seem willing to help
Cause if I told Carly I know she would feel guilty and try to hold herself back and I don't want that she has a great future ahead of her she can be any thing she wants go anywhere she's not stuck here like I am..
Why do you feel like your stuck Sam your 17 you have a lot of time
I'm a loser I'm not going anywhere except jail or the grave and I don't want to go back to jail I don't want to be like the rest of my family I want to escape..
So you think this is a good way?
She shock her head
It's not a good way it's just my only way
Sam there are other ways we can help you will you let us?
Sure I screwed this one up do your best but I doubt it will work
Well we can't hurt by trying right have you been eating okay?
I guess
Have you been feeling anxious?
Not really just tired
Do you sleep during the day?
Just in classes but who doesn't expect Carly and Freddie
Hey!
I hit her arm she giggled a bit which was music to my ears
Do you have any phobias?
No
Have you gained or lost weight?
I'm losing I can't figure out why I eat about the same
Depression can do this to you Sam were here to help you your doing amazing just keep answering honestly to us please.
Do you have any habits or compulsions,
What do you mean?
Well do you have a pattern that you follow that if you break you start to panic?
No I'm not really into planning I kind of live by the moment
Okay excellent answer Sam
Now we need to ask you some personal things
Is that okay?
Yes
I saw when we were examining you that you had a lot of scars on your arms and legs and thighs
Did you do these yourself?
Yea ..
Her voice was dull and hesitant but she answered truthfully I saw Spencer gulp and swallow he looked shaken and so pissed but he was staying cool.
How long have you been cutting yourself how often?
Six years or so it started just every once in a while as a way to deal with chiz but it escalated about three months ago to every week then twice a week about three weeks ago I started doing it every day.
What do you use when you do this Sam?
Anything I can I started with a piece of mirror
Can you tell us how you felt when you first did it?
Yea sure why not I ain't got nothing better to do it started when Mom and I had another fight she was telling me how much she hated me and how ashamed she was of me that she thought I was a freak and that. I was switched at birth with her real daughter that Mel was her only daughter cause she was perfect and sweet and never got in trouble that she followed the rules and got good grades how she was so pretty and thin and she wasn't a pig.
I ..just... I cou...I can't figure out how if were twins why she can't love both of us equal why did Mel have to get it all? Does god hate me that much ? I mean he has to right he cursed me with her looks but he gave everything else to her..brains manners sweetness what did he leave me with anger and hate?
Even the nub loves Mel more and he barely knows her yet he had sex with me ..
I was angry the mirror it was mocking me reminding me that just cause I looked like her didn't mean I would ever be good enough like her every time I looked in it I saw her I heard her and I heard mom
Saying I would never be her..so I ..I broke it and it shattered and mom damn she was so mad she came storming in screaming waving her bottle around she hit me with the broken bottle screaming that I was worthless and careless and I was a ignorant brat who didn't care about anyone other then me.. she
wouldn't stop hitting me no matter how hard I cried or screamed no matter how hard I fought her she was stronger and meaner she was so drunk she reeked of the damn chiz she just kept beating me she smashed my face into the broken glass and when I was motionless she took a piece of the broken mirror and she held it to my throat ..she told...
Sam was chocking on her tears as she told us the tears wouldn't be held back any longer as her whole body was shaking and almost convulsing. I held her Spencer wrapped his arms over me as my tears ran freely down my checks.
To do something right for once and just kill myself that it would be the best present I would give her this season she said I couldn't even be born straight but maybe I could go out the right way...
So.. I god.. I ..took the piece she gave me and I slide it over my wrist she clapped and told me to keep doing it till there was no more blood left to be spilled I did what she said I just kept cutting on both my arms and I started on my legs at some point she left but I don't remember much after that it was kind of a daze.
Why didn't you tell anyone about the abuse Sam? I get the feeling this wasn't the first time she hurt you
I couldn't she told me If I ever told anyone she would hurt Carly and I believe her she knows how much Carly means to me and she resents her ..she hates the fact that Carly gives me a reason to fight she wants me dead she thinks I am a disgrace that god made a mistake when I was born cause I was born the wrong way.
What do you mean you were born the wrong way?
I'm gay okay I was born a lesbian and my mom hates gays she thinks were a abomination
How long have you known you were gay?
Three years or so I just came out last year well to everyone else expect Carly
So Carly knew longer?
Yea she knew since we were 13
How did she take the news?
She said I was perfect the way I was made and she loved me gay straight or bi as long as I stayed true to who I was..
She sounds like a great friend
The best
I bet you would do anything for her huh?
Yes always
So I am willing to bet that the thing she wants most is for you to be happy and healthy
Am I right Carly?
Yes she means everything to me I just want her to know how much she is loved and how worth it she is
I think in order for that to happen Sam you are going to have to be willing to be helped and that means talking to someone trained ..
Are you willing to do this?
She looked at me I was crying so hard I could barely see Spencer I felt him squeeze her arm..her voice cracked as she replied a soft yes.
Can you tell me Sam when you cut yourself were you trying to kill yourself?
No I just wanted the pain to stop
What changed today? Did someone say something to you do something to you?
Kids at school they made comments they did things to me..
Can you tell us what kind of things Sam?
I don't..I don't want to ..
Sam we need you to be honest ..
No okay just stop I don't want to talk about it I will go do whatever you want but I can't talk about it please just stop pressuring me!
Okay Sam you've done everything we asked I think we can stop for now but we have to go for a ride can you go with us?
She sank into my arms pulling my arms over her chest burying herself inside of me.
Can I come? It may be the only way she'll go
It's unusual but if Sam is more comfortable will allow it will need you to follow Spencer ..
Of course ..
All these months Sam had been feeling this alone and scared this hurt how did I not see the signs? She was given hints all around us not sleeping she stayed over here more then her place how did I miss it?
She was losing weight I even commented on it this summer when she was in her swimsuit I had seen the difference since last summer she had shrugged it off so I let it go. She had been quieter these last
few weeks she had been more emotional and edgier. How did I not see the scars? We changed together all the time we shared my bed . She had started smoking weed on school nights and drinking more and more this past school year she told me it calmed her so I let it go she swore she had it under control but now I saw it as a sign that it wasn't just to calm herself she was using it as a escape to cover up how hopeless and helpless she felt she hated feeling that way. I started to think back to everything that she had been showing me she was crying for help on so many levels..
Lack of enthusiasm and motivation I thought it was typical Sam but it had gotten worse and worse she was throwing me hints all over and I ignored them.
A profound sense of hopelessness, guilt or unhappiness she was always saying it when we were alone. Fatigue or lack of energy as soon as we came home she crashed on my couch or my bed I had to drag her to go anywhere even the Groovy smoothie. Difficulty concentrating, Tearfulness or frequent crying she never let anyone see her cry except me but I had seen her break down over the last three weeks more then I had in our whole friendship the littlest things set her off a comment a look a commercial a memory.
Thoughts of death or suicide she had shown me some of her lyrics they were dark and sad but she laughed and told me she was just experimenting. Decline in school performance she was never a straight A student but she was smart, .Withdrawal from or change of friends she hadn't wanted to hang with anyone outside of me lately even Freddie. Withdrawal from family and regular activities. Lack of interest in the future. Dramatic change in personality or behavior such as extreme moodiness or irritability, prone to angry outbursts which can get violent, easily frustrated, and irritable, grumpy or hostile. Most would say that was Sam on a good day but I knew better she was funny and sweet when she wanted to be but lately that side had vanished why hadn't I seen these hints? Maybe I would have been able to stop them.
If I wasn't so caught up in my own world maybe I would of seen them and been able to stop her from feeling so hopeless.