*sighs*

ELFINA01, you are the reason this chapter was written. It would have taken me much longer to get it out without your inspirational comment.

And a congratulations to MadameRozaBelikova, who picks up on my plotlines before the chapter is even posted. There's no getting around her!

I've received a few... negative reviews and would just like to clear some things up.

Believe me, I know that the dedication to developing my plot has not been there. I'm struggling just to update with my crazy schedule, and, to be frank, I'm trying to get this story finished. But it was either I updated when I could with choppy chapters, or I completely abandoned it altogether, and left it unfinished. I decided with the first option.

I'm sorry if I've disappointed anyone with my story. With holidays coming up soon, I'll have more time if I decide to write another story for VA. Sorry for my little rant. I appreciate every comment, even the negative ones, although I'm sorry this story didn't live up to you expectations.

-PRG

My body seems to burn from the inside out, but my head seems to hold a chill, despite the fact I could feel perspiration dripping from my skin.

It's lasted for days, eating away at my strength, keeping me bed-ridden and incredibly ill. I had been kept isolated, with doctors and nurses hovering over me every second of the day. I had been poked and prodded, tested dozens of times, though I'm sure no one knew what they were looking for.

Weeks later, the source had disappeared, but the symptoms hadn't. My fever had diminished, but the weakness I felt had yet to heal. I was constantly tired and achy, and headaches would occur occasionally.

It was a full week before my family was allowed to enter. On rare occasions, Lissa came with my mother and father, but I'm sure she had to use compulsion, as no one else was allowed in.

Unfortunately, whenever Lissa would visit, I would get terrible headaches, and my fever would spike. She'd watch, with tears in her eyes, from the corner of the room, never getting too close. Eventually, she just stopped visiting.

The day they released me from the infirmary, I spent hours being followed around by my father, his arms around my shoulders as I wobbled around on shaking legs.

And now, days later, I still hadn't fully healed. My parents refused to tell me what happened, saying they needed to give me time. I was desperate for answers, but had yet to receive any.

Now, normally, I would be hunting down anything I could find, seeking out my absent friends and getting answers. But now, I had lost my passion, my inability to stay still. I was burnt out, physically and emotionally, and spent most of my days sleeping.

Days blurred together, and I seemed to be halfway between a vampire schedule and a human schedule.

Waking up sometime near dawn in the human day and late evening in the vampire world, I crawled out of bed. Too restless to stay in, I left the confines of my room to wander the grounds of the Court.

Nowadays, I pretty much avoid people altogether, but it was only until I passed by the bustling bar that I decided that a bit of alcohol could hardly hurt me know.

I sat down at the bar, in one of the furthest corners, just watching. I've obviously lost my touch as a guardian, because when I felt a hand on my back, I nearly jumped out of my seat.

"Shh," a voice soothed behind me, his hand resting on my lower back. A pair of lips press against my temple, and Christian takes a seat beside me.

"Christian? What are you doing here?" I ask. "I would have expected Adrian to be here, of all people..."

He just smiled. "Adrian would not be in the darkest corner of the bar. Much more suited to someone like me."

I gave a weak smile and patted the bar stool beside me. "Take a seat, Fireboy."

He flopped down beside me and turned to the bar tender. "Two shots of whiskey," he orders, than turns to me. "My treat."

I almost choke my drink back up, (how long has it been since I've had alcohol?) but force myself to swallow. Christian effortlessly downs his own shot.

"I'm surprised to see you here," he mentions. "You've been in your room for days."

Desperate the change the subject, I simply say, "Have you been watching me, Mr. Ozera?"

Christian smirks, but it quickly fades as he orders another drink. "I'm worried about you. Just because I hate you, doesn't mean I don't love you."

I laugh, the first time in a long time, and wrap my arms around him. "Ah, Christian, what would I do without you?"

He smirks, a smile that's practically trademarked, and shrugged. "I'm not the only one who's worried, Rose. You're scaring a lot of people."

I snort, and steal a sip of his drink. Russian Vodka. "Who? Lissa's been avoiding me like the plague, Adrian's too drunk to tell the time of day, and my parents are checking on me everyday."

"Lissa's convinced she's making you sick, Adrian's hurting, and your parents are your parents, of course they're worried."

I give him a sidelong glance. "Why is Lissa convinced she's making me sick? She isn't doing a thing!"

"Evertime she's around you, apparently all of your symptoms return. She's avoiding you, afraid she's just making things worse. Not that's it's been hard to avoid you, with you locked in your room 24/7."

I take this as a bit of an insult, and down the rest of his drink. "Hey, be careful with that," he warns. "That stuff is a lot stronger than regular vodka."

It's my turn to smirk.

"I think I can handle it."

A comfortable silence follows, and I take the opportunity to rest my head on Christian's bony shoulder.

"Christian?"

"Mmm?"

I sigh, and shift against him. "What happened to everyone? All my parents said was that everyone was alive. What does that even mean?"

"Well, Lissa's alright. Dimitri shoved her and me into the top shelf of my closet to hide us from Viktor's guards. We were cramped, but we survived. Lissa suffered some pretty serious trauma after seeing you like that, though. She's still pretty shaken up about it."

Christian runs a hand through his dark hair. "Adrian has been drinking ever since he's been concious, I don't know what he saw, but he's dealing with some pretty powerful stuff. Your mom was wild when she found out about what happened to you, and it got even worse when she figured out Abe was already there, calling the shots."

At least this made me smile.

"Well, that's not so bad, besides Adrian, I mean."

He nods. "Yeah, well, that's not the worst part."

My gut sunk. Oh God, I knew this was coming. Dimitri. "A...and?"

He sighs. "Rose..." clearing his throat, he shifts nervously in his chair. "Rose, if you want answers, I think you might want to go find him."

Typical response. "Is he still in the hospital?"

After a hesitation, Christian shakes his head.

"Is he... brain dead or something? Is he in a coma?"

A tear spills down my cheek, and I clutch at his arm. "Christian, what happened that night?"

Christian sighed and wrapped his arms around me. "Viktor's dead, Rose, you killed him with that stake. It went right into his chest. Robert lost it after his death, and sent out some pretty heavy magic, first trying to save him, and then just out of grief."

"Magic?" I ask. "Spirit? What happened to him?" Robert hadn't exactly been stable in the first place.

"He used a lot of magic, Rose. He's in the psych ward. I don't think he even knows his own name anymore."

This brings tears to my eyes. Although Viktor's death should have come as a relief, I felt a horrible weight. I had killed a living person. Not a strigoi, not a soulless beast, a person. He might have been evil, but he wasn't a total monster. And Robert, losing his only brother, his only friend.

I felt guilty.

"I have to go, Christian," I say, hoping to escape the heavy topic. I needed to be alone. I hopped off of the bar stool, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you."

~xXx~

I spent the next few hours walking around the Court grounds, too restless to even think about returning to my room.

How had I gotten here? Two years ago, I was seventeen, I still had a future, a plan. My biggest worries were Dimitri's affections and highschool gossip. Everything had fallen apart.

Ever since Viktor had wormed his way back into my life, everything had seemed to just crumble.

Even now, I still didn't have all my answers about Viktor - everything had happened so fast - but I didn't have the drive to find out. For now, I was content being in the dark.

The sun was already beating down, and it was late in the vampire schedule.

I missed my old life. I missed the ability to just get up, not worry about safety, about the safety of my loved ones. I missed being able to train, to fight, to spar. How long had it been since I'd been to the gym? I'd lost most of my muscle in my months in jail, but my stress level sure hadn't decreased.

I immediately switched my direction, and began to head for the training centre. I needed to work out, it had been way too long, and I had to have some way to deal with my suffocating stress.

Christian was right- locking myself in my room was not the answer.

It was dark, but they always left the doors open for any Guardians who worked different shifts, although it was almost always empty this late.

I stripped off my sweatshirt by the entrance, glad that I had chosen to wear my sweatpants instead of jeans, and walked into the gym.

To my surprise, the gymnasium was already occupied, which it almost never was. To my discomfort, that occupant was Dimitri.

He didn't hear me come in, and didn't stop his work out. I had truly forgotten what a god he really was.

But he was working himself way too hard. One of his first lessons as my mentor had been to pace myself, that over-exerting myself could be dangerous to my health. But Dimitri was throwing himself into his exercise, not holding back.

He was hitting the punching bag with such fever that it bounced and swayed on it's chain, the hook on the ceiling making a dangerous creaking sound. Sweat his poured down his back, and his knuckles are red and swollen.

With one final punch, the bag rocks right off of the hook, and crashes to the ground several feet from Dimitri. Silence follows, and his shoulders begin to shake. He sinks to the ground, pulling his knees to his chest, and burying his face in his arms, while his body continues to tremble.

My sneakers echo against the polished wood as I make my way over to him. I'm sure he can hear me, but he doesn't acknowledge me. When I am only a few steps away, his voice croaks out.

"Why are you here?"

I am taken back by this question, but quickly recover. "I... The same as you, I guess. To work out. I didn't know you were here."

He lifts his pale face to meet mine. "You can leave, you know. You don't have to try and have a conversation with me, I know you've been avoiding all of us."

"Do you want me to leave?" I ask, legs shaking.

Slowly, so slowly, he shakes his head, and I take this opportunity to kneel beside him, and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Dimitri, what's going on? Why are you really here?"

"It's just gotten so much worse, Rose, ever since Viktor's attack. Everything has just..."

I sigh. "Fallen apart?"

He nods. "I just can't handle it anymore. I'm falling apart, Rose."

"You look like you're about to pass out, Dimitri. I'm taking you back to your room."

The old Dimitri would have protested, he would never have shown weakness. But now, he just accepted my hand and pulled himself off of the ground, leading me towards his room.

I urge him towards the shower, and set off to the tiny kitchenette, searching through the barren cupboards until I came across a package of instant noodles and saltine crackers.

I set out the unfit dinner just as Dimitri stepped into the room, his hair loose and slicked back with water. The sight of the sad meal him smile, and he helped me move the bowls out to the "living room", which was more like an old sofa and worn coffee table.

We ate in silence, only making comments of disgust upon the discover that the crackers were, in fact, stale, and when Dimitri apologized for the lack of food and hospitality he had to offer.

"Don't worry about it. How long has it been since you've had a decent meal?" I ask.

He licks his lips and sets down his empty bowl. "Haven't head a decent meal since I left Russia. How long has it been since you've had a decent night's sleep?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

Although the situation holds no humour, Dimitri gives a weighted smile. "I don't seem to sleep at all, anymore."

"Dimitri?" I ask. "What happened to you? What happened that night? I know about Viktor and Robert, but... how did we get here?"

To my complete and utter shock, Dimitri wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his chest, leaning back into the armrest so that I was resting against him. This new change of position made me realize that Dimitri was hurting, too. That no matter how awkward things were between us, he was still in desperate need of comfort. I reach for his hand.

"My memory is... a little fuzzy, Roza. Robert went mad when Viktor died, and..."

"He gave off magic. But was he trying to heal Viktor?"

Dimitri let out a breath, one that ruffled my hair. "I don't think so. Rose, from what I remember, he was trying... he was trying to hurt you."

"By healing me?"

This wasn't helping me at all, and now I had more questions than I did before.

"Not healing. Rose, Robert had used Spirit to torture you, to make you have visions, hallucinations. I think he was trying to... overrun you with magic. Like what happened to Avery."

Now my brain was hurting. Avery had been 'fried' by Spirit while attacking Lissa. She had bonds to multiple people, and the magic had backfired on her.

"So, he wanted to overload me with magic?" I asked.

I could tell Dimitri was getting just as frustrated. "I don't know, Roza! Adrian and I were just pooling together what we knew, trying to come up with a reasonable answer for why this happened."

He began to tremble again, and I squeezed his hand tighter. "Dimitri, what happened to you?"

His arms tightened around me. "I was... hit with the Spirit, too, Rose. I think we all were. I don't know how much magic Robert released, but I felt it, Rose, and so did Adrian. I think all of Viktor's dhampir's did as well."

"Felt it? What do you mean, felt it?"

Poor Dimitri, I could tell I was causing him a lot of stress.

"I felt... I just..." he groaned. "I don't know. I almost had... visions as well, I suppose. Dreams. It was as though I was reliving all of the worst moments of my life. Every pain I've ever felt."

The room goes deathly silent.

"And Adrian?" I whisper.

"We haven't discussed it, but based off of the way he's drinking - more than ususal - I think it's safe to say he felt something similar."

Pain. Robert had inflicted pain using Spirit.

"So he was trying to hurt me, trying to get revenge for Viktor's death."

Dimitri sighed. "Maybe. Perhaps his grief over his brother's death just spilled over. It might not have been intentional."

So that was why I was in so much pain when Liss tried to heal me - I was already overloaded with magic. It wasn't an illness, I was feeling the effects of Spirit, and the healing just sent me over the edge. And that was why I was sick everytime Lissa came into the room. Only family was allowed, and the compulsion she used must have made me ill.

I nod, and lean back further into his chest. "His brother's death... I killed Viktor. I ended a life."

"Roza, it was self defense. If you didn't kill him, he would have killed you. I know it's hard to comes to terms with, but you need to forgive yourself."

"Forgive myself?" I say angrily, suddenly taken by a emotional flare. "You're telling me to forgive myself when you've been brooding over your own emotional problems for the past year and a half?" I cry. "You're the most hypocritical man-"

I try to leap out of his arms, but Dimitri's grip tightens, and he pulls me back down.

"Roza, don't yell. Don't hold on to your anger, Rose, let it go. Let go, Rose." I recognized his voice, the one he used to sooth me when I had been provoked by the effects of Lissa's magic. I immediately relax.

"I'm so sorry, Dimitri, I don't know what came over me, I-"

"It's the magic, Roza. It's just the magic. I get them sometimes, too."

This shocks me. "You get the darkness, too, Dimitri? When Lissa brought you back, did you two...?"

"Form a bond?" he finishes for me. "No, we didn't. But ever since Viktor's attack, I can get mood swings, sometimes they're worse than others. One of the worst I've had in a while was tonight. That's why I was in the gym. But they seem to be tapering off as time goes by."

"You're..." I shudder. "You're feeling the darkness, too?"

He nods.

"What happened after Robert went crazy? How did we get here, Dimitri."

He runs his fingers through his hair, exhaling loudly in frustration.

"That's where my memory blurs. I had hallucinations, for a long time. I only remember seeing Robert collapse, and everyone was swaying on their feet, like they were about to pass out as well. Maybe it was just my vison, though..."

He shakes his head.

"I was completely out of it by the time the Guardians burst onto the roof, although I'm sure none us were a threat, almost everyone was nearly unconcious."

My brain seemed to be working overtime, absorbing information.

"But... Well... Why were my parents trying to keep this all from me? This isn't so bad."

I feel Dimitri's finger stroke through my hair. "When Lissa tried to heal you, and you... blacked out... Your parents made everyone swear that we wouldn't tell you anything about what happened that night. They were really worried for your mental health, Rose. You were screaming and clutching your head. They thought one little thing could set you off..."

"Why is it always my mental health?" I ask. "Do I always have to completely lose my sanity?"

I melt down further into the sofa. "I still don't get it! That's not even that bad! Why were they trying to shield me from this?"

The pad of his thumn runs soothingly down my arm. "Roza... Sweetheart, please promise me you'll stay calm after I tell you this... You need to stay calm, stress isn't good for you."

"Dimitri... Dimitri tell me what happened. It's what everyone has been hiding from me, isn't it?"

He turns me around, pinning me to the couch, as if he's afraid I'll lash out and go completely nuts. "Roza... We think... Well, Lissa thinks..." He swallows. "Lissa thinks that the bond might be... gone."

It takes several seconds before the information sinks in. "What? The bond is broken? And you thought it would be best to hide this from me?" I scream.

"Roza, please calm down..."

"Calm down? Calm down?" I struggle against him. Maybe he was right to restrain me after all. "The bond is broken and you want me to calm down? What the hell is wrong with you people?"

I slam my eyes shut, trying desperately to slip into Lissa's head.

"NO! Roza, open your eyes! You can't go into Lissa's head, okay? I don't want you to get hurt! You can't handle any more Spirit!"

I hear hands on my arms, my shoulders, trying to shake me into response, although I try to ignore him.

Suddenly, I feel his lips on my own, coaxing me to respond. I instinctively wrap my arms around his neck, and deepen the kiss, pulling him down further on top of me.

Despite my body's protest, I break away and push him off of me, shoving him to the other side of the sofa.

"Have you completely lost it? What the hell is wrong with you?"

Dimitri looks bewildred, but quickly recovers. "I was trying to stop you from causing yourself harm. It worked, didn't it?"

"You have NO right-"

"No right? I'm trying to protect you!"

I give a humourless laugh and jab his chest with my finger. "Protect me? All you do is hurt me! How are you protecting me?"

Dimitri's eyes narrow, and he grabs my finger, jerking it towards him, and twisting it between our bodies. "I hurt you? How do you figure?"

"You just shut me out, Dimitri! You're pushing me away and acting like we're strangers, then you're suddenly on top of me and groping me like nothing's wrong!"

We now caught in a screaming match, our eyes locked, although Dimitri's a full foot taller than me - I refuse to be intimidated.

"With good reason!" Dimitri roars back. "How am I ever supposed to trust you again?"

I scoff. "Trust me?"

"You just ran off, Roza, without telling anyone where you were going! You disappeared! Abandoned your friends and family! Lissa needed you, Rose, I needed you!"

I jerk my arm away from his grip and and shove Dimitri's chest, although he doesn't even sway.

"You sure had an odd way of showing it. But you're right! How stupid of me not to see that you being a complete jackass was your way of telling me you loved me! Your a damn liar!"

I throw my entire weight against my next shove, and Dimitri staggers backwards.

"I was in pain, Rose! I killed innocent people, I drank from you like you were a damn feeder! I made myself a promise, at the Academy, that I would do anything to make sure that you didn't end up like those girls. That you would never be treated like the way Jesse treated you again. And I was the one who treated you like that! I would have fed from you and raped you without a thought!

"I couldn't even look at you without wanting to kill myself for what I'd done! So I'm sorry if I didn't heal fast enough from that experience to suit your purposes!" He cries, catching my palms to keep me from hitting him again.

"I never asked for you to heal instantaneously! I was angry that you chose to dismiss everything I did for you! I was angry that you didn't even acknowledge me, that you didn't even bother to tell me any of this!"

"What did you want me to do?" He yelled. "Fall to my knees and worship the ground that you walked on? Did you want me to just disregard my own pain even though I was completely losing my mind with grief?"

"I dropped out of school to kill you! I thought I lost you forever! And then you were there! I thought maybe, for once, something good was going to happen, that maybe my life wouldn't completely fall apart. All I wanted to do was tell you how much I loved you, and I had a Guardian tell me that I wasn't allowed to. I had a Guardian tell me that the love of my life was no longer interested in me! I gave everything I had to you, and you rejected me." I scream, tears springing to my eyes, much to my embarrassment.

"I was told by Adrian Ivashkov that you had disappeared, and that I was the only one who didn't get a goodbye," he says, his voice suddenly a whisper. I remember the notes I left everyone before I disappeared. I had poured my heart and soul out to my family, my friends. Even Christian. But I hadn't left one for Dimitri.

We both become deathly silent, the whirl of the ceiling fan overhead the only thing that can be heard, besides our heavy breathing.

"What was I supposed to say?" I say softly.

He shuts his eyes and purses his lips, as if trying to keep from saying something he'll regret.

"I needed you," he murmurs. "I needed you, Rose, and then you left. I know it was my fault, but when I realized how much I truly did need you, how much I depended on you, you had disappeared. And I can't let you in without feeling like you're going to leave again. I thought if I kept you at a distance, then it wouldn't hurt if you left again."

He takes a cautious step towards me. After realizing I'm not going to attack him again, he lifts his hand, and slowly cups my jaw. "I was wrong. When you were in the infirmary, I thought you were going to die, and all I could think of was what I should have said to you, what I should have told you."

Slowly, so slowly, he bends, but holds back. I have a feeling he's afraid that if he kisses me, I'll yell at him again. I take the lead, standing up on the balls of my feet, then on the tips of my sneakers, until his lips brush softly with my own. I slip my hands around his neck, and let his palms drift to my hips. He gently tugs me forwards, never breaking the kiss, until his knees hit the bed, and he pulls me down on top of him.

"Don't leave. Don't leave again, Rose. Please."

I nod, a silent promise, and lean down again to kiss him.

Nothing happened that night - we didn't have sex, at least - but we did kiss, talk, touch, until the sun set.

I curled up against Dimitri, resting my head against his shoulder.

"I still need a lot of things explained about all of this, Dimitri. And we still need to talk about us."

He presses his lips against my forehead.

"Tomorrow, Roza."

Whew. Well, I had a few free hours today, so I thought I'd take advantage of it.

No, this story is not yet complete. Yes, I still have a lot of explaining to do. And yes, I am still working on a conclusion to this. The story isn't done, and it definitely won't just drop off :)

Thanks for reading!