Sam's P.O.V

Light Returns

" Sam ...Calm ..Down..

Bright lights filled my eyes it burned my body felt stiff and sore.

Sam..

My vision focused as everything became a bit clearer a beep from a machine filled the air in a steady easy rhythm luring me to sleep.

My head felt strange my chest tight as a voice called to me I tried to piece it all together where was I ? why was I here? Who was calling me?

Blackness took over me again...peacefulness..

Sam...

Sam..it's nurse Laura can you hear me?

I turned my neck it was sore and hard to move I tried to talk but something was in my throat and it made it very sore.

Sam sweetie

I was scared why couldn't I talk? My eyes darted all over the place.

Sam can you focus?

Someone shined a light inside my eyes ..

I'm Dr. Williams your just waking up from a deep sleep things may seem fuzzy and confusing that's normal do you know where you are?

I tried to focus but I couldn't..

Your in the hospital can you remember anything?

I was remembering I hated hospitals and I hated doctors but I felt like poop so I didn't answer I was exhausted and sore. My head was pounding so I closed my eyes and let sleep take me away again.

W..h..e..r..e...W..h..y

Sam calm down it's Steph

My eyes were all blurry my head pounding less then before but still there who was this chick did I

Know her? Why was she acting like I did?

I struggled to focus as it suddenly all came to me in waves I gasped I heard Steph call for help. I felt something in my arm and waves of calmness washed over me but I fought off sleep as I looked up at her. I remembered it all the video my voice the words I said ..what I tried to do..Carly, Freddie , Spencer.

Sam calm down shh..please calm down..

I felt Steph's hands on my arms which strangely calmed me ..

Sam you had a panic attack babe your in the ICU you couldn't breathe we had to sedate you but you had a bad reaction to the sedative ..you almost coded on us so we rushed you down here..to be monitored.

H..o..w..l..o..n..g?

Three days babe you were out for three days but the antibiotics are working now your meds have also started to take effect you should start to feel better soon.

Rest for now unless you want to talk..

I shock my head talking took too much effort and caused to much pain.

The next day they took me off the machines I was bored and lonely even with this one on one nurse. I started to get pissed at this chick to man she was all over me she wouldn't let me alone for a minute everything I did she needed to know when I ate she watched every bite and checked my mouth to make sure I wasn't hiding food..was she insane? I was out for three days I was starving...I wanted more food and she refused.

She made me use a bedpan when I needed to go to the bathroom.

I wanted to kill her Steph walked in as I was threatening Laura with the bedpan which made her laugh.

Steph became my hero when she told Laura she was taking me out of ICU and walking me back to her unit.

Every hall was brightly decorated with different colors and painted murals a few by Spencer himself.

So Sam I can tell you didn't like being in ICU

No chiz that lady was jank she wouldn't let me alone for a second

Do you know why?

Yea cause she's jank

Steph laughed watching me walk which was making me frustrated I was never the fastest but man I

Was slow and weak now very sore. I felt like a old person. Like my muscles were frozen and trying to defrost chiz it was painful,

No it's not cause she's jank as you so elegantly put it but cause we want to make sure you don't injure yourself..

How would I injure myself with food and a bedpan?

There are ways

How do you feel about food?

I looked at her was she crazy? Maybe she should be locked up and maybe I should be free what kind of question was that?

I feel all warm and fuzzy and goo like

She laughed patting my back what was I a dog now?

Have you ever heard of the expression food's a comfort?

I thought about it cause it sounded like some chiz Carly would say ..Carly thinking of her made my heart skip a beat I wondered how she was..what was she doing now? Heck what time was it even what day?

We came to a rec room of sorts she helped me sit down my back was sore and stiff I cracked my head as I sunk into the couch damn it felt amazing to sit.

What did it mean when one said food's a comfort? What did Carly say?

Now I remembered I was pissed cause Freddie thought I loved Brad so I was chowing down on my Ham sandwich and Freddie said it was disgusting and Carly shushed him telling him it was my safety net. When life was rough and unpredictable ham stayed the same sweet and salty mixture of goodness.

Still what did that have to do with this chick watching me..

I remember a few months ago when some kids were making fun of this girl names Kaffy Bliff who was over weight and Carly sat and talked to her she made her feel beautiful she even broke down and told Carly and I that she ate and threw up in hopes of losing weight. Carly talked her into getting help.

Now it dawned on me they thought because I felt so out of control that maybe I used food as a way to control something that maybe I was..what was that word...Carly used it...bulimic..I shivered...no way..that was gross.

I don't throw up and I don't starve myself if that's what your thinking I just like to eat

It's okay to admit if you do Sam no one here will judge you

No just try to change me if I did but then if I did I would need to change cause it's not healthy to do that.

I don't need to starve myself or throw up I have a fast met..what ever that thing is that kills food

You mean you have a fast metabolism ?

Yea that's what I said

Sam I believe what your saying sweetie but we have to use precautions with every new admission it's not like most kids are exactly in here cause they were honest from the start..

We both chuckled at that

Okay I will give you that one

Well Thank you Sam

Ah no Chiz your welcome

I yawned why was I so tired when I had just slept for so long?

Now Sam can I ask you to do something?

Sure can't say I will do it but it's a free country so sure ask

Gee thanks

Ah your welcome

I need you to think back to the say you made that video

I know it may be a little fuzzy but please try to think about how you were feeling at the time you made it

What was going through your mind?

I stared at her should I trust her? I mean could I really? Sure she seemed nice but that's what grownups did they were all sweet talking to you at first until they got you to trust them and then they turned on you it was sick . My mind was racing I knew I had messed up big time why did I do that video at Carly's? I knew she would be home soon but I didn't think she would catch me. I twisted my fingers as I debated tell her and risk getting hurt again? Or not say anything ..she was a professional I mean it was her job to care maybe she would be okay to trust she had to follow all these laws and chiz. I knew I could sue her butt if she went and told my personal stuff or used it against me. What could she really do though if I didn't talk?

Sam I get that this is hard but you have to make a choice do you want to get better and go home and get to see Carly again? And that boy ..

Freddie..

Yea him..

If you want to get better I know they want you to they both love you very much

Then you have to talk babe

Puckett's don't talk we don't cry were tough that's what Momma always said, where did that get you though really? I mean Momma was miserable uncle Carmine was in jail along with 99% of my cousins and aunts and uncles the other 1% were dead. Did I want that for myself?

Sam can I ask you something?

Sure...

What made you so sad that day that you felt like that was your only option?

Sighing I looked around the room was hip with funky colored fuzzy rugs over a hard wood floor a few oak tables covered in teen magazines and books. A sweet 32 inch plasma TV was on the wall above her desk which was off. A few pictures were on the wall ..probably kids who had been here before me they were laughing and smiling arms slung over each others shoulders. I wish I could be that happy was it possible?

They weren't that happy or hopeful when they came in either

She followed my gaze I cussed myself silently for allowing her to see inside she couldn't know my weakness.

They all had issues with depression as well some so serious they took years to become the picture version of what you see some are still fighting their demons...

What ..How did they get happy?

They made a choice Sam

What kind of choice?

They made a choice to live Sam to help themselves by opening up their hearts trusting and talking..

What choice do you want Sam ?

I stayed silent looking around as I thought about my life how awful my mom was but how much I loved her despite it. I mean she gave birth to me she didn't abort me so maybe there was a small part of her somewhere that loved me right? I thought of Melanie I never really forgave her for leaving me and that was a huge part of my anger. What did that mean about me though? Was I selfish wanting my sister to stay and be as miserable as me when she had a chance? She was so smart and she could be anything she wanted to be. She was excelling in school captain of the debate team president of the class top of

Her class she had so many friends she was a cheerleader she played four instruments she was a lead vocalist in three choirs there. The teachers all loved her she had a cute boyfriend and she was on the road to study in college.

Where was my life heading? What could I expect to happen in the future? I closed my eyes leaning back breathing heavy as I thought about what she was saying while trying to look like I didn't give a chiz.