People

Sam's p o v

People no matter who they are they always have something to say about me sure some try to act all sympathetic and say chiz like " oh Sam's just a product of her environment" she can't help how she acts she's just doing what she learned she's a good girl underneath.

Some act just plain rude " Sam's worthless trash just like her trailer trash trucker mother " she'll never amount to anything.

People just don't understand me at all . I mean they truly act like I'm stupid they act like I don't have a brain but the sad part is even I know I'm pretty smart , clever and cunning some would say and I don't think you can be a dumb-ass to be clever and cunning it takes some brains to think out the plots and plans I think of and the brains to put it all into action. I even out smart cops and other grownups so I'm not as stupid as people think.

The problem I have is that I am my own person not the robot people think I am , which means I have my own pov my own brains and my own emotions.

Which I'm not always sure is such a good thing.

People say I'm a product of my environment " their the dumb-ass" People can say I learn from what I've seen and it's a legit excuse if I was really the dumb-ass people make me out to be.

Truth though? I'm not I learned a long time ago that just cause your a so called grownup it don't mean you know chiz . My mom may be a lot of things but a positive role model is not one of them, through her actions I came to the conclusion that at some point we all make our own choices.

No matter what happens in our lives or how many people screw with us we all have a choice to make on how to deal and that choice can effect us for the rest of our lives.

I made a choice to come out as a lesbian did I know at the time what that really meant? No honestly but still it was my choice . I was sick of hiding who I was sick of all the lies, I made a choice to live on the streets cause it was safer then my home life.

I could of let my mom keep taking her chiz out on me but I chose to stand up for myself . Sure it got me daily beatings verbal abuse not to mention the times she threw me out of the house or beat me so bad that I ran on my own.

Through it all though I learned that I am so much stronger then I would of ever thought I could be a lot stronger then people give me credit for.

Being Gay isn't a choice however it's just who I was born as. Coming out now that was my choice. A choice I am happy with cuz I love myself.

It's other people's own insecurities and self hatred that they direct at me that I have a problem with they look at me like I am some sick perverted disease that needs to be cured they don't get it or me I don't need to be cured there's nothing wrong with me.

That's what gets me so angry and depressed why am I so unworthy of love? What makes me so wrong just cuz I love someone of the same gender? That gives people the right to treat me like the sum under the scum not even good enough to touch their shoes.

My life is a disaster I know it's not cause I'm gay though unlike what everyone says it's cause of the choices I made when I was younger.

One of the first choices was when I was 11 Austin Kennedy and I were dancing at Uni-bow late at night dancing all close hands all over each other Kennedy accepted a beer from some kid she didn't know and I wanted to impress her so I drank with her we shared the beer. It didn't take long for me to start drinking all the time it took away the pain made me feel alive and I loved the feeling I got when I was dancing with her hands all over each others bodies as we drowned drink after drink beer lead to shots which lead to vodka, tequila , mike's hard drinks, scotch, we started staying out super late in clubs we weren't old enough to be in drinking and smoking ..my grades slipped even lower I started cussing out teachers sleeping in class when I went at all..not doing my homework getting into fights partying and staying away for weeks at a time. Making my friends worry having unprotected sex..yea not so smart choices.

People don't look deep enough though they just see what's on the surface . I'm a tough girl from the wrong side of town they say I'm a bad kid that I'm worthless I'm selfish and cold- hearted.

I'm not I act happy cuz I have to when your best friend is Miss. Perky do good-er Carly Shay you have to act happy cuz otherwise she'd be all over my chiz trying to analyze me , I can't have that she can't see the real me she couldn't handle it.

She would pity me and I hate pity ..pity is for the weak ..weak is something I am not.

Well maybe the truth is somewhere buried deep inside that I don't want to surface maybe I am the weakest person on this earth and I'm scared to show it. Maybe that's why it was so easy to get addicted to the drugs and booze maybe I'm more like my mom then I would let on. Maybe that scares me so much that I don't want to admit it. So I just keep pretending and if I pretend hard enough long enough maybe I even start to believe.

I let no one see me cry I do it alone but only twice a year ..crying is for the weak.

The thing is it's funny cuz everyone loves to say what they see my future as I'll be in jail by age 18 or I'll get drunk and screw some boy get pregnant and end up on welfare or I'll fall of the wagon and end up as a drunk ..or best one of all I'll end up molesting some poor little girl cause that's what lesbians do we prey on young girls ..I'll end up alone and miserable some closed minded people believe this is how all lesbians end up bitter and alone.

I envy them in a way these people cause at least they have the ability to see a future for me I can't see one..when I think of the future it's as far as what I'm going to have for dinner that night ..any future beyond that I just can't..I hate change .. and that's all we've been doing the last three years it scares me so bad cause Carly she's applied herself in school for years she has so many options so many college choices she can go anywhere so can the nub..they can get any girl or boy they want.

I screwed my grades up so bad even community college is hopeless for me ..I can't bear the thought of

Not having them around next year and I know I'll be alone in every sense of the word I act happy for them and in a way yes I am they deserve to be happy, healthy I want nothing less for them. Still the thought of next year makes me sick and shaky dizzy with worry.

I don't know what to do..laying in bed at night when I think about it I panic..people just don't get how much I hate my life sometimes..I am so sick of being judged and looked at in disgust.

The booze and drugs only work for so long, I can't sleep or eat I pretend I can I feel sick after someone makes me eat. I throw it all up and I feel shaky this facade is so hard to keep up sometimes. I don't want to spend my whole life like this it's too damn depressing so I get drunk and I get high..problem is then I crash hard..the cycle starts again..the depression takes over more and more everyday.

I hate my life..I hate living I know people look at me and get sick ..I hate knowing that in order to be myself. I have to fight for it just to get the same rights as someone straight to be able to love freely it's not a guaranteed right for me. Well that's just not right.

I have to die just to get acceptance ..it's sad ..it's wrong but then again some people say I'm wrong for just being who I am.

Is it any wonder I wanna die?

Austin always sang this line from a song that went like this.." People who need people are the luckiest people in this world" Well it's just another lie people who can be strong on their own who can rely on themselves to be loved their the luckiest people in this world cause their never get hurt..

I wish I was one of them cuz I hate my life I hate forgetting what it's like to smile and laugh and mean it. I pick up the pen to write my farewells a million different times..I just want it to end..what makes me stop? This little thing called Love no matter how empty I feel I know Carly loves me and I know this would devastate her ..but maybe I should just do it it would free her save her from loving someone already dead.

They say love is suppose to make you feel whole not like half a person well Carly deserves that so maybe I should just do it...