How Do you Get That Lonely?
Freddie's POV
Statics ..I Love them I use them as a guide to my life ..Numbers comfort me ..they never change their answers are always the same ..just like time it never ends numbers are the same ..Math is simple when you think of it that way.
Problems could be solved so much easier if people thought like mathematicians..expect people don't they let emotions and logic get in the way.
It's Friday Night I should be out with my beautiful girlfriend cheering our Ridgeway Team to victory on the football field . I should be out at Rick's Party drinking and dirty dancing with my hot girlfriend.
I should be but I'm not what am I doing instead?
Sitting alone in my room staring at my computer screen which was filled with numbers and facts and one burning question filling my brain on repeat..with no answer...
How Do you Get That Lonely? And No One Knows?
I look at the facts and the statics …
The Centers for Disease control report that it is the third leading cause of death, behind accidents and homicide, of people aged 15 to 24. Even more disturbing is the fact that suicide is the fourth leading cause of death for children between the ages of 10 and 14.
The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services estimated that as many as 30% of completed youth suicides each year" are performed by gays and lesbians. Unfortunately, many information sources have quoted the 30% as if it is an absolute figure. The Department indicates that it is 30% or fewer. If we assume that the 30% figure is valid and that it is constant across the age range of 15 to 24 years, then approximately 1,488 suicides per year are committed by homosexual youth. If we assume that gays comprise 5% of the total number of youth, then the 1,488 suicides represent an excess of 1240 suicides related to their sexual orientation.
How did we miss this? There had to be signs? How did Sam hurt so bad that she felt having no life was better then the life she had? She felt so battered and beat up and so empty and worthless that death seemed so much sweeter?
It wasn't just Sam though we are losing so many youth to this..Suddenly the numbers weren't so comforting when you put a human life a name a age a face to those numbers when you read their stories hear their family members and friends talk about them.
They are human and they just needed wanted to be loved just like we all do but they felt so lost death seemed better to them.
To us it's just another story another faceless name a number to add to the growing statics.
To their families and their friends they were the sons, daughters, brothers,sisters, friends lovers, classmates,uncles,aunts cousins..they were kids struggling to find hope..hope they never found..they came in all colors shapes ,ethnicity, they are from every group. Their females,males,they are all young , their all dead. They had dreams desires talents passions likes dislikes ..they just never felt loved or wanted enough ..numbers are just numbers till you add the value of a child's life..Kids like..
Billy Lucas 15 years old Billy was a out going young man yet he was a teenager who didn't quite fit in. His classmates said Billy Lucas was bullied for being different.
The 15-year-old never told anyone he was gay but students at Greensburg High School thought he was and so they picked on him.
Seth Wash 13 years old who loved Pokémon, adored french fries above all other food and had an obsession with disco music.
Seth Walsh was an ordinary everyday kid who just wanted to live his life except there were cruel kids around him who won't let him. Why you ask? Walsh was a young gay kid and there were kids that would not stop tormenting him while school officials ignored the problem despite being aware of the bullying.
Dawn Marie Wesley 14
I was shaking as I read story after story the pain these parents felt as they discovered why their kids chose to take their own lives can never be explained until you experience it yourself ..parents who would do anything to save their kids parents like those of Kristina who's website I read over it was made by her mother who detailed her daughters struggles through Kristina's diary..
Kristina Calco 15 years old 12/26/1989 – 12/4/2005
In middle school, Kristina was a 4.0 honor student who always strived for perfection in everything that she did. She was extremely artistic and her work was chosen not only to be on the cover of the school yearbook but she was also selected to design the school t-shirts. In an effort to overcome her shyness, she joined the student video announcements staff, the yearbook staff and the newspaper staff. And although she was admittedly not the best at sports, she joined the Swim team, the Volleyball team, the Track team and even joined the Ski Club. She signed up for Forensics (very similar to Debate) and earned a 3rd place trophy in the 2003 State Tournament. She later wrote that no one would ever know how hard that was for her. That was actually one of the proudest moments of her life. Kristina supported her school in every way imaginable and attended numerous sporting events, such as basketball and football.
Despite all of her accomplishments however, there were some who would choose to drag Kristina down.
Our first indication of what had happened was found in Kristina's suicide note, which was written in the form of a poem. She wrote:
"I knew I was always the ugly one. Don't say that's a lie because you don't know what some kids have said and done. It hurts to think about how mean some people could be. Even when I started to look a little better, they still couldn't see."Jared Benjamin High
Born Sept. 23, 1985 - Died Sept. 29, 1998
Phoebe Prince 15
Phoebe Nora Mary Prince was born in Bedford, England, United Kingdom, on November 24, 1994, and moved to the seaside community of Fanorein County Clare, Ireland, when she was two. Prince attended Villiers Secondary School, a private school in County Limerick, where she reportedly suffered problems. She immigrated to the U.S. in the fall of 2009 with her mother and four siblings. Her mother lived in Boston for a few years. The choice of South Hadley, Massachusetts was reportedly because of the presence of extended family, including an aunt, identified in news accounts as Eileen Moore. Her father, a British national, reportedly chose to remain in nearby Lisdoonvarna, rather than emigrate. Prince was attending South Hadley High School at the time of her death at age 15, on January 14, 2010.
Bullying incidents and suicideHaving recently moved to the U.S. from Ireland, Prince was taunted and bullied for several months by at least two groups of students at South Hadley High School, reportedly because of disputes with other girls over her brief relationships with a senior high school football player and another male student. It was also said that she was bullied because she had an Irish accent. Her aunt allegedly warned school officials in August 2009, prior to Prince's enrollment at the school, to watch after Prince, as she was "susceptible" to bullying and was bullied in Ireland
On January 14, 2010, after a day of harassment and taunting, followed by a final incident in which a student threw a can at her from a passing car as she walked home from school, Prince committed suicide by hanging herself in the stairwell leading to the second floor of the family apartment. Her body was discovered by her 12-year-old sister. After her death, many crude comments about her were posted on her Facebook memorial page, most of which were parents chose to have Prince interred in Ireland.
Asher Brown 13
Chloe Lacey 19 Chloe Lacey was born Justin Lacey and seemed to her parents to be "all boy" until, at age 16, she announced to her family that she was transgendered. Though it was not evident to those around her, Chloe explained that even in kindergarten she had identified as a girl.
Zach Harrison 19
Tyler Clementi 18
Aiyisha Hassan a 19-year-old lesbian one-time Howard University student, died on Tuesday in California of an apparent suicide. Reports coming in says she struggled with her sexuality, though it's
Unclear whether we're dealing with another bullycide or other factors. "She was having a lot of trouble with a lot of different things," says a Howard senior who lived in the same building as Hassan, "but mainly her sexual identity and just trying to express that.
Why did these kids feel like they had nothing left? Where were their parents friends teachers guidance counselors? How did they miss the signs?
How did they get to a place so dark that light never reached them?
I can never understand it ..How is Society as a whole failing so miserably our nations kids are being killed by other kids by our own failures as their protectors?
Where are we messing up? How can we fix it? Cause we have to fix it we can't keep losing these precious lives ..Who knows what we are missing out on the next Albert Einstein, Rosa Parks, Katty Perry, but will never know cause they died too young.
How do these kids go from innocent carefree kids to troubled dark depressed teens? Where and When did the darkness push out the light?
I try to remember when I first saw the change in Sam but I can't ..I struggle I have been since Monday night. I just can't find it.
I feel so helpless cause somewhere from the time we met when we were 13 to now something changed. She started dying a little more each day and I didn't see it ..or did I and do nothing thinking it's just Sam she's fine.
I groan as I feel this headache forming in the back of my eyes getting up heading to the fridge. I glance at the clock my eyes burn from staring at the computer screen the clock blared bright red numbers 9:39. Mom was still at work till 11:30 so I had plenty of time to kill.
Grabbing a bottle of Tylenol which I hide because Mom would flip out if she saw afraid I would choke and a water bottle swallow two going back to my room to lay down.
I stare at a picture on my nightstand from this years Teen Scene awards in La we won best web-show it was also competition week for Star-power which is a competitive dance competition .. it was a weekend. Sam and Carly preformed an amazing Dance routine which they placed first in and they each had solo's which they placed first in.
The photo was onstage after they got their awards Carly was in the middle arms over both of our shoulders she was shining in her short red/gray sparkling dress which stopped below her butt revealing her amazing toned legs her hair was pinned up in a french bun which had a few curls coming down across her sweet face.
Her smile is always so bright she lights up a room with her amazing vibe and positive attitude. My head was turned to her our eyes connected she had a half smile which she only ever gives to Sam and I cause it's half cocky half teasing all love. I wanted to kiss her so bad looking at her prefect lips made me so hard .. I groaned feeling the tightness getting stiffer ..looking at the clock I saw it was still only 10 pm ..I couldn't take it any longer quickly I unzipped my jeans and lowered my hand to Jr...
Breathing harder I laid back ..relaxed I saw more this time not just my hormones .. I saw a girl lost ..on Carly's left was Sam who was just as close to Carly her head rested slightly against her head. Her eyes looked somewhere else ..Somewhere we couldn't reach . I never noticed before today ..I thought she was eying the dude who took the last fried chicken leg at the pre-party but she wasn't her eyes just looked sad. Like she felt like a third wheel with no where to go, she wasn't standing up straight like their dance teacher always yells at her to do which she normally does whenever were anywhere near her she was standing just behind us I remembered. So why wasn't Sam standing straighter? There were dark bags under her once bright eyes ,her checks looked sullen her skin less peachy yet she still somehow glowed in her sparkly pink and white 50's style skirt and belly top which had a plastic pink belt on I saw her thin she had gotten now I mean they were always in top shape for dance but she looked way too thin. Why didn't we notice this before?
She always seemed to eat more then any girl should be able to but had she started to eat less and we didn't see? Was she doing something to get rid of the food?
What could we of said? Was it something we said or didn't say that made her feel like this?
My shoulders hurt my neck now hurt ..I tried to lift weights for 20 minutes it didn't help . I went back to the computer. All I saw were Sam's final words as she stared at the screen..
I needed a distraction so I went to my email which was flooded I deleted the spam stuff weeded through the rest ..answered a few ..then I saw one that seemed unique.
The subject line read...
No Ordinary Tech Geek
Inside it said.
" Freddie my name is Hugh we go to the same school but you prob don't know me I'm only 15 ..I get lost in the crowd but I know you Sam and Carly. We have a few of the same classes were even in Av club together..don't rack your brains trying to place me cause you won't no one ever notices me .
No worries I'm not suicidal I won't go and off myself ..I'm cool with being unnoticeable ..Well okay not
Really..it kind of sucks ..kay it really sucks ..but I'm okay I have friends I'm a happy gay kid..Yea I'm gay surprise..Ridgeway has another gay kid..Well here's a shocker there are more way more..were just not out..cause of all the chiz Sam has gone through were afraid ..Well were not afraid anymore ..Sam's video made us stop and think ..she hit us at home we need to band together to get our voices out there we have a lot to say and people need to hear us..they need to know their not alone..can you help us?
Kids are crying out for help..kids are dying from not being heard ..some kids we go to school with some are far away ..some live right here in our own city ..many are iCarly fans like Jamey M ..please read
His blog this kid needs help fast ..this isn't a joke this is real..Please read..
Clicking on the link I took a deep breath and prepared myself.
" I always say how bullied I am and no one believes me why is that? Am I so unworthy of being loved that even my cries of pain are irreverent not worthy of the time and effort?
It's effed up really ..society as a whole I mean no matter what I do it's wrong in someone's eyes..
If I voice my likes I'm too young and I'm immature to know anything they tell me to grow up that I act too young to know anything. It's not normal for a 14 year old boy to like a girly show...it's too feminist too gay..
if I make a grownup decision like coming out ..they tell me I'm too young to know what gay means so what the eff do I do when they tell me to stop being in such a rush to grow up?
Nothing cause it's all I can do I can't drive I'm too young..I can't move..I'm only 14..I can't fight back there's too many ..wait there is one thing I can do ..I can stop ..stop breathing..stop existing .. I can end it all right now like Sam tried to..I can be done with it all..I can be done with Life..In fact I am so consider this a good-bye .or to my bullies..a final Eff you..
I wish you nothing but pain misery and heartache the same hell you bestowed on me everyday.
To my friends well if you cared I wouldn't be doing this..
Good-Bye
My heart was beating so fast as I read through the blog I felt sick I scrolled through the page there had to be away to help him contact him..we had to find a way.
I saw post after post how he documented the bullying how done he felt ..I saw his drawings he was so talented he had whole cartoons he had made up. I saw blogs on every iCarly web-show he expressed his pov from every one and had his favorite quotes.. tons of pictures from every aspect of our career.
He had captions below a lot of them and they sounded so much like stuff we would say. My throat clogged ..we couldn't lose this kid..What can I do?
Carly she would know quickly I sprung up I sent her the link and ran over...
A/N The names of those kids are real kids who killed themselves because of bullying their stories are as real as their cries for help were..the cries no one heard in time..if you or anyone you know is feeling Suicidal there is help don't give up hope contact someone...your rainbow needs to shine... The Trevor line is for LGTB youth
.org
The Trevor Lifeline1-866-488-7386
(714) NEW-TEEN (714) 639-8336 for any teen in trouble...Don't wait make the call today...