Coming Back Down
Sam's Pov
I just can't escape
It's like you're here with me now
But the words you say
They always seem to fade out
Since you been away
Sitting here with everyone staring at me it was beyond mortifying I never liked to feel like some sideshow. Steph was leading the group as normal but it wasn't normal cause Carly was by my side her hand held tightly in my sweaty left hand while Freddie who hadn't said a word in the whole time they were there was across from us his eyes were locked into mine in a tight glare I had no idea what I had done to make him so pissed off but it unnerved me. Spencer looked confused as to why we were all together it wasn't the normal day for group for them.
Sam it's pretty obvious you had feelings for Carly for a long time
Something has been holding you back from sharing those feelings and it's eating away at you
I know whatever it is has something to do with your past …
I looked around was she serious she wanted me to share? With everyone here with Carly next to me?
Sighing I looked around it was so hard to do this I mean I hadn't thought about this in so long. Carly squeezed my hand.
It's cuz I'm scared okay
No that's never a good reason to not tell someone how you feel fear is for the weak and were fabulous not weak!
You don't understand Keala I'm not good enough for Carly
I do understand baby but it's not about fear it's about you look at it this way Sam
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?
Being gay is just one part of it Sam you have to own it and love it love yourself
I do...
My voice was weaker then normal I cussed myself silently.
No Sam you don't none of us do cause if we did we wouldn't be here would we?
Were learning as we go..You are a Child of God, Sam he loves you love yourself like our father loves you stop with the games small games do not work in this world. Don't look for others to give you peace Find it yourself and for those around us to feel peace, we will not be a example to make ourselves small ..
Why wouldn't you admit it to Carly Sam?
Even after you knew she was gay
Freddie stared daggers at me I felt like I was inches tall..
Swallowing I allowed myself to look at him and see the pain in his eyes...he was owed a explanation...
It's not just about fear of not being good enough it's ..Carly deserves so much more then I can give her..I can't risk hurting her ..
Why are you afraid you'll hurt her?
Cause that's what I do..I hurt people and …
Sam you don't have to do this..
Carly's voice was strong when had that occurred when did I become weak and Carly the strong one?
I looked into her eyes she smiled and kissed me Steph cleared her throat.
Yea I do Carl's Fredd-nub he should know the whole truth...
I'm afraid I'll lose Carly like I did...Kennedy..
What happened Sam?
Taking a deep breath as I sighed I closed my eyes as I remembered that time...
I'm just a face in the crowd
Someday, Someday
I know you're coming back …
It was back in 2005 I was 12 ..Mom she was at her worst partying all the time drinking and having sex she kicked me out every night and when I was allowed home she was beating on me constantly..her boyfriends kept doing things to me so I left all the time..I was angry and acting out I was arrested 9 times between June and October.. I was skipping school and on house arrest I was drinking stealing and doing drugs. I was so messed up I spent tons of times down at Capital hanging out with Bray and L'G and Austin and Kennedy...She was 17 she was a senior in school and respected by everyone she was smoking hot...Austin use to tease her all the time calling her princess and queen..she never let him have it I mean she teased him back calling him sissy and geek but she was never mean ya know she was being a typical sister..I envied them cause Mel and I we hadn't talked in a long time..I was just so angry …
Kennedy she was out and proud she was wild I liked that we use to sneak out and go to places that we weren't suppose to go to she was fun and sweet..but she was Austin's sister and he was creeped out by this he begged me not to see her ...and as much as I liked her ...I really loved Austin as a friend..he was close to my age and we shared a lot Austin thought he was gay and we talked about it a lot he was scared cause his parents didn't approve of Kennedy...they called Austin their golden child his parents were fighting all the time and I knew he was scared his dad kept leaving ...Kennedy she would take off all the time which worried Austin...so I would stay with him we played cards we searched stuff on the computer we watched TV listened to music..we spent a lot of time in his tree house we shared our dreams...
Austin was my best friend next to Carly but he was available when she wasn't Spencer kept her on a curfew which Austin and I didn't have his mom worked late his dad was never around...
We were free ...Austin confided in me about how bullied he was how he was asking for help but no one cared..I tried to get him to get help I knew he was depressed but he was stubborn and I didn't know where to go..
So out of desperation I turned to Kennedy she was drunk the night I came over I knew Austin was at band practice and wouldn't be home till late...She was upset cause her dad had moved out she had walked in on her parents having a huge fight and he took his stuff and left..her mom was yelling at her and throwing things so Kennedy left when she got home no one was there so she raided the liquor Cabinet by the time I got there she was wasted..it was so hard to see her in that much pain she was always so strong...I did everything I could to comfort her...we stared talking and somehow she kissed me...I had never kissed a girl before ..I kind of knew I was gay but I had never tried to ..find out I was scared after everything I had seen and heard I didn't want to be gay ...to be different...to be hated..but Kennedy she tasted like Cherry Chapstick with Cream . I remember she had music playing and it felt wrong in a way when I kept hearing everyone's voices in my head..but when I let go and just went with what my heart felt it ..well it felt so right she made my heart beat and she made me happy..her hands had traveled up my stomach and went to my breasts which there wasn't much there ..but she was fully developed and when I undressed her I didn't feel dirty or ashamed I just felt like I was doing what I was suppose to ...she was beautiful I remember her saying just go with this Sam we were born to express the glory of god that lives in us. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us she told me there was no shame in pleasing ourselves even if others thought we were wrong they were the ones who were wrong...when I laid her down and crawled on her she didn't stop me she kissed me and took my clothes off and I knew Austin would be pissed but I wanted her so bad...I couldn't stop..I didn't want to ..we made love for hours that night..Kennedy was my first..and it hurt so bad at first but she made me feel so good I forgot about the pain...
After we had...ya know ...we lay there holding each other she was crying saying she needed me and she wanted me...It left me confused cause I wanted her to and yet I knew Austin he couldn't take any more pain or betrayal but my heart ...I told her I would be there always..she was so happy we made love for another two hours...
We saw each other in between classes we skipped most of our classes we hung out drinking and smoking Carly was always on me to go to school yet she knew how much Kennedy meant so she let us use her room after school when Austin was at Band but she pressured me to come clean she knew Austin was bound to find out but I didn't listen to her and I should of..
Austin walked in on us one day on us and he was pissed we had a huge fight and he threw me out he
went as far as telling his parents and they exploded telling my mom who flipped out ….she beat me within a inch of my life the cops had to be called to stop her...I was so mad I couldn't see Kennedy and I felt betrayed by Austin I confronted him in school and we had another huge fight we both said things we shouldn't of...
I was removed from my house and placed in a children' s home which btw suck butt crack...Carly was there for me of course she never told me I told you so or anything she just stuck by me...I missed Austin so bad he always made me laugh and made me think he got me in ways no one even Carly did..I missed Kennedy as well so bad I started to hurt myself ...Carly was the one who convinced me to go to him and say I was sorry which wasn't easy...but I missed him and I was the one who lied...
So I did but no one would answer the door I knocked till my hand was bloody I screamed but no one heard me so I figured I would give it time. I remember pausing at the side of the house as this feeling passed through me it left me shivering, I looked to the side and wondered should I go in back? ..I went to Capital for a while..then around 6 when I figured everyone would be home I went back ..by the time I got there...
There were sirens everywhere..police, ambulances, firetrucks, it was insane ..I started screaming..I ran but a officer held me back ...then ..
My voice shock as I started telling this part my whole body was on fire as I remembered..Carly was around me in seconds as the tears over took me..the guilt the pain it was all like it had just happened..
They came out with the stretcher it was covered in a white sheet anyone that grows up where we did we know white is for kids and teens black is for grownups...I screamed and screamed I tried to break through but they wouldn't let me..all I could do was watch while they loaded the body into the ambulance and drove away..no sirens...I remember how the lights swirled against the tiles of the house I heard their dad screaming as he banged on walls..I saw their mom standing there white faced as she held a baby blanket...her eyes tore into mine as I screamed kicking and hitting but the officer held me strong dragging me into a cops car...all the times I had been in the backseat I was never more scared more numb and it was the one time I hadn't done anything...
They took me to Carly's and the whole night she held me and let me cry..I didn't know what had happened ..Who had died but my heart broke the same...
The tears over took me again as Carly held me even Freddie dropped to his knees as Carly lowered me to the ground both holding me.
Down in the dirt,
With your blood on my hands.
I blacked out,
But now I do understand,
That you were too good,
For this world so you left it.
Everything turned red,
And then you made an exit.
Carly started to tell the story then as she rocked me holding Freddie's hands..
Everything was going through my mind as I held Sam I knew what she was going through. I had lost my mom when I was younger it was the worst pain I had ever felt...I never wanted anyone to feel that way..I kept trying to get her to hope maybe it wasn't that bad...but she was sure ..she had seen the white sheet covered the whole body...still she went along and we made up games theory's over what had happened we got pretty creative to...
Then the next morning Spencer came in with the paper...he was white as he sat by us he didn't have any funny stories or bad jokes no pranks just hugs as he handed us the paper...
I can still remember the words written on the paper …
14 year old Austin Steven Noel was found late Saturday Night December 17th in his bedroom by his sister Kennedy Noel 17 an apparent suicide by hanging ..Austin was a freshman at Ridgeway High school...
I was in shock as I held Sam I mean yea I knew it was prob I knew it wa...I mean you just never expect it to be someone you know ya know you never ..well kids their just not suppose to die..it's unnatural..
I don't even know,
If it was your time.
But like all good things,
That pass you by,
Just like a lost soul,
In the time of need.
It made me grow up fast,
And put some blood on my knees.
And you don't even know
It's beyond you.
How could I comfort her when I was so torn...she blamed herself..and I should have been there to help her she was in hell facing the fact that she was gay she had lost her best friend ...Kennedy she went crazy she got arrested and sent to Juvie.. she blamed herself she never forgave herself and she blamed Sam she lashed out at her at his funeral...
She hit her and called her a slut and a murder she made it seem like everything was Sam's fault ..it wasn't but she was only 12 she didn't have the experience to grasp it... the funeral it brought back so many memories for me of my mom it messed me up and I sank into a deep depression I missed Sam going through her own...I didn't know she was so swallowed up by Austin's death not till...
Thinking you could never die,
Like you're bulletproof.
So I guess you had to leave,
You were born with wings.
But you were never happy,
'Til the angels sing.
She tried to kill herself I found her in my room in her own blood...she had shot herself ...by the time I had gotten her to the hospital she was almost dead...if I had been a few minutes later she would have been..
I just can't escape
It's like you're here with me now
But the words you say
They always seem to fade out
Since you been away
I'm just a face in the crowd
Someday, Someday
I know you're coming back down
Someday, Someday
I know you're coming back down
I knew she was haunted by Austin by the words she never got to say by the words she did say but I just didn't know how to help her...
I'm ashes to ashes,
I'm dust to dust.
And when a man turns to ashes,
Forget about love.
Like the feeling inside you,
With the bottle beside you.
You both end up empty
Like an angel just died too.
I look to the heavens,
To the sky,
And the rest.
I looked inside myself,
I felt my heart in my chest.
Somethings are born blue,
There's nothing to say.
Some hearts can stay true,
When falling away.
Come lay down beside me,
What could one life mean?
It's only what I've seen,
It's only just one dream.
Tell my baby I love her,
And I wish I could hold her.
It's hard to say goodbye,
When you know that it's over
If it wasn't for Bray and L'G I don't think Sam would be here they helped me find ways to help her deal with the aftermath...they taught her to love herself and accept her for who she was...Bray was the one who said while we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others.' I
Have been using that as Sam's motto since I made her say it everyday till she believed it …
I came up with the idea of her going to his grave and talking to him I went with her even though it was
Hard it always strikes me the gap between his birth and death it's too short...
I just can't escape
It's like you're here with me now
But the words you say
They always seem to fade out
Since you been away
I'm just a face in the crowd
Someday, someday
I know you're coming back down
Someday, someday
I know you're coming back down
One day, one day
I know you're coming back down
I didn't know she went everyday after that for years but it was what gave her the strength to go on to find love again...she even wrote a poem which she kept hidden. I found it recently I meant to ask her about it but life was so busy I never took the time..I wish I had...maybe I would of seen how sad she had been...
Sam do you know which poem she's talking about?
I bite my lip as I nodded ..
Would you share?
I Sighed as I nodded...my throat was raw but after a few gulps of water I closed my eyes seeing the words perfectly..
I went to your grave today
Dec 17th 2005 was the day that day that you went away
The day my life forever changed I think of you everyday, I wish I could go back and speak the words I never got to say..I'm sorry yet Sorry wouldn't erase your pain.
I wonder how you are , I hope you are in a place safe from the pain, no tears , no fears.
So much rage when I think of the things I have gotten to do that you can never. I wonder what you would look like today who would you be what music would make you dance what jokes would make you laugh.
Regret Fills my soul when I look back at that week if I had only taken the time to Say Sorry would you have found the strength to talk to me maybe you wouldn't of tied that rope. Could I have given you hope?
It seems silly I mean could words save a broken soul? Maybe Since it was words that broke your young
Soul. Only four-teen never got to see 15. They say don't waste time in a moment it could be gone but I was barely 13, I didn't see past the now..Now I wish I had known what I didn't see then. I wouldn't of wasted a minute I Wish I had taken the time to go around the Side Maybe I would of been in time.
[A/N The characters of Austin and Kennedy are fictional as well as the story but they are based on a real life experience when I was barely 13 my best friend killed himself after a fight we had which had nothing to do with the fight that took place between Austin and Sam but the fact remains words we shouldn't of said were exchanged and I never got to make up with him. Don't waste a moment cause moments come and go and sometimes you don't get another moment.
I miss You Steve..I think of you everyday ...R.I.P Baby shine your bright light up in heaven their lucky to have such a beautiful soul..
Feb 4th 1978-Dec 17th 1992