In just a few minutes, Tallis would be gone. Out of their lives.
Good riddance.
Tallis looked at Anders. "I can honestly say I'm a little jealous of you right now."
She was conceding defeat, he realized with surprise. Or maybe she was saying she was never in the running.
A vindictive sense of victory filled his chest and disappeared quickly. It didn't matter if Tallis gave up. It was what Autumn wanted that was important. And besides, jealousy was a small matter in the long run. Tallis wasn't the problem between him and Autumn.
He was.
"Jealousy never hurt anyone," Anders said. "Much."
They were nearly back to Kirkwall when Isabela sidled up to Hawke.
"You did brilliantly, kitten. Anders is like a little puppy dog, ready to beg for whatever scraps you might throw him. Excellent work."
Hawke frowned at her. "I really think you might be crazy, Isabela. What in blazes am I supposed to do now?"
Isabela blinked. "Just climb into bed with the man and kiss him. Really, Hawke, I didn't think I'd need to give that advice more than once. Haven't you figured out how to jump Anders's bones by now?"
Hawke narrowed her eyes and contemplated the most satisfying way to kill the pirate.
It must have been written on her face, because Isabela laughed. "Don't worry, Hawke. He'll be absolutely gagging for it now. You can take things however you want."
Hawke just sped up her pace, leaving Isabela and her tinkling laugh behind.
It was late at night when Hawke and Anders arrived home and trudged upstairs to their bedroom. And Anders was ignoring her.
Isabela was right. This shouldn't be so hard. Autumn ought to know by now how to initiate sex with her lover. She'd done it hundreds of times before.
So why did she feel like Anders was a million miles away?
Autumn was still wearing her armor. She felt grimy and sweaty and completely undesirable.
"Anders," she said softly.
His shoulders tightened.
"I'm...going to bathe," she said.
Anders nodded and turned away.
When Autumn left the room, Anders let out a shaky breath.
Nothing had changed since meeting Tallis. Anders knew what he had to do, and he knew that Autumn would hate him once it was done. It would be better for her if he was no part of her life.
But he wanted her, now more than he ever. Seeing her give his smile to someone else, knowing he could truly lose her-
It was all he could do to keep from following her into that bath and making love to her this very moment.
He wasn't strong enough. Maker take it, he never had been. He didn't want to deceive her, to take her under false pretenses.
But those uncertain eyes, that unconscious pout, were enough to undo him.
This is not just.
He knew it, but it didn't seem to matter.
When Autumn emerged from the bath, she expected to find Anders already in bed, facing the wall and pretending to sleep, as had become his pattern. She was startled to see him standing before the fire in nothing but his breeches and a flimsy cotton shirt, one hand splayed against the stones of the hearth.
Her heart lifted in hope. She approached him quietly.
"Anders." Her fingers touched his arm.
"Maker." Anders's whole body shuddered, and he pulled away.
Autumn let her hand fall to her side.
Anders took a deep, heaving breath and turned to face her. "I don't like Tallis," he said.
Nothing could have surprised Autumn more.
"She's cocky and arrogant. She'll put her Qunari ideals before anything else. She's deceitful and untrustworthy – and you know what the Qunari do to mages."
Autumn could only look at him as he struggled for words.
"But" – his words were barely a whisper – "if she's what you want – if she'll make you happy–"
His form crumpled unexpectedly, legs giving out underneath him. He slumped to the floor.
"I won't stand in your way. She's all wrong for you, but you deserve – I shouldn't –"
Without thinking, Autumn kissed him. She took his face in her hands and pressed her lips to his.
Anders responded immediately. His arms twined tight around her. One hand cupped the back of her head, pulling her even closer. He kissed her like she was the only thing keeping him alive.
Autumn felt dizzy at the rough savageness of it all. She reveled at the way he clung to her, his lips plundering hers desperately. Her hands moved to his shoulders and fisted around handfuls of his shirt, holding him in place as he ravaged her mouth.
And then Anders pushed her back. "Autumn. You need to listen."
His eyes were wild.
She sat back on her heels. "I'm sorry about Tallis," she said. "It was a mistake."
Anders looked taken aback.
"It was all Isabela's idea. Stupid. Why do I keep listening to her?"
Anders frowned. "I don't understand.
"I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand to be alone. When I saw you'd cleaned out your desk-"
Hawke stopped and bit her lip. She wasn't going to cry now.
"I could tell you were leaving, and I couldn't let you go. I had to try to get your attention again, had to do something to make you notice me. So when Tallis showed up-"
Anders kissed her again.
"I wasn't leaving," he said between kisses. "I couldn't leave."
"But why..." Autumn drew in a breath as Anders's lips nibbled along her jawline. "Why were you avoiding me?"
Anders pulled back.
"I don't deserve you, Autumn. You don't deserve me. You should have so much better. You don't know-the mages, the templars, this thing inside me-"
He looked away.
"I'm capable of dark things, Autumn," he finished miserably.
"So am I." Autumn's voice came out harder than she meant it to. Anders looked up with a start.
Dark things. When Anders said things like that, Autumn wondered if he really knew her at all. Sometimes he treated her like she was some sort of infallible Fade spirit, while simultaneously denouncing himself as the basest of creatures for what he'd done with Justice. But Autumn wasn't perfect. The image of her mother, carved up and stitched together by a madman, flitted across her brain. She'd participated in blood magic to find her-and would have done it again if it could have saved her. She would have done worse. She would have done anything. If she'd been a mage, she would have given a demon a foothold into her mind. The fact that she wasn't a mage didn't make it better. It just meant she'd used someone else, and a demon had sunk its claws deeper into another person's psyche. And now, every time she saw a blood mage who had lost control, she knew that she was no better.
It didn't matter that she'd been desperate. Most blood mages were desperate, too. When it came right down to it, when her back was against the wall, Autumn had it in her to do monstrous things.
She didn't say it. They'd never talked about what had happened, even though Anders had been there. He knew what she'd done, and he never brought it up. Maybe they were both trying to pretend it hadn't happened. But it had, and Hawke could never forget it. She had no room to judge anyone.
She didn't say any of that.
"Anders," Autumn said. "I'm in this for good. Maybe I don't know everything about you. You don't know everything about me, either. But I know enough." She found herself moving closer, climbing into his lap. "Do you think I need you to be perfect? That I don't know you struggle? It doesn't matter. I've made my choice. I'm with you. And whatever that brings me, I'll take it."
"Maker help me," Anders said. "Maker help you."
He kissed her again.
They didn't bother with the bed. They collapsed right there on the floor.