WELCOME To ARIZONA

the grand canyon state

Super American Brain Penis, Tues. Jul. 19, 2005

I am fucking awesome. I have the girl guy of my dreams in the passenger seat (who was sleeping pretty cutely last night), the tunes blastin' loud and I am on my way out of here! Well, actually, I am just entering Arizona, but I WILL BE OUT OF HERE SOON. I would tell you what "here" specifies but that would spoil it and I don't want to break the fourth wall.

I've been thinking we should Gee-tee-eff-oh pretty quickly, but I was wondering what Arizona had to offer, so I asked Mr. Google. Monsieur Google told me nothing except the stuff I already knew, which was Grand Canyon, Area 51, and John McCain.

Not much here.

Yong Soo is resting his eyes. Man, how tired can dude get? Well, I mean, I drank two cans of Monster so…

"Oh namjachinguuuu, Annyeooooooong!" Alfred sing-songed, making use of mental tildes.

Yong Soo reached over sleepily, giving the driver a peck on him temple.

"Really, Alimony? Miley Cyrus?"

"Yes, Ying-Yang-Yong. I do so enjoy partying in these United States."

"But, Fred Jones of Scooby Doo fame, if you're listening to Miley, then the Jay-Z song isn't really on.

"Past tense, Yong Soo-ey the Pig Call. The Jay-Z song was on, and it is not on during the duration of the song."

"Touché!"

They sat in a really amazing silence for a second or two.

"Man…" started Alfred, "That little-less-than-a-week-without-you was total hell. Once we get to where we are going, I never going to leave your side. We'll be together forever. I'll marry you wherever that's legal and we'll make sweet lovin' every night, and in the morning you'll be like 'Hey sweetums honey pie good morning' and I'll be like 'Good morning mushie lumps frooty-tooty cakes' and then we'll realize how stupid that sounds and-"

Pothole.

"We'll call each other by erotic names that aren't much better, like 'oh my cock licking sex slave' and 'baby my sexy hooting ass' and then we'll laugh and laugh at those and then have some waffles and I'll put half a can of whipped cream on it and you'll be all 'oh you silly babo' or whatever the fuck it is. Afterwards, you'll grab the whipped cream form the kitchen while we're sitting down to watch some stupid reality television, and be all 'ATTACK!' and then spray me with it. Later, we'll probably have some kinky weird noon sex and-"

Pothole.

"We'll live happily ever after."

Pothole. (Someone should really fix these before the L's start to appear!)

"Alamo, you are one crazy (but amazing) dude."

"Soo-like- a -lawyer, you make me ejaculate."

"What?"

"Nothingohlookasign." He pointed toward a sigh that said 'Rest stop: 135 mi.'

"That's nice, Aleroony."

After nearly an hour of driving across the deserted Arizona highway, Yong Soo spotted a squirrel. Usually, that would be irrelevant, because, you know, it's a squirrel. But what truly stood out about this one little rodent was that it led a fucking army of cute little squirrels. (Granted, they were much less cute in a stampede.)

"Uh, Al…" The Korean's words shook like the ground probably would if this story were a cartoon (come to think of it, it's already wildly unrealistic). He took a big gulp, looking over to his boyfriend, who was lost in the music.

"'Are we an item?' Girl, quit playin'," Alfred sang, his voice somehow matching the singer's. Yong Soo reached for the radio and shoved the volume button into submission overdramatically, annihilating the music.

Alfred turned to Yong Soo, "C'mon, dude, he's not that bad."

"ALFRED THIS IS NOT ABOUT BIEBER. THIS IS ABOUT THE FUCKING STORM OF SQUIRRELS AND RODENT MISCELLANEA COMING RIGHT AT US."

"…well, shit." The Belieber looked forward, laying his eyes on the most monstrous deus ex machina to come out of crack fic since Dumblydore walking in on Enoby and Darco doing it.

He swerved off the road in a flurry of panic, confusion, and Justin.

The squirrels, however, were scattering, so some still came his direction. He tried to miss them, or squash them (Alfred had no qualms about road kill).

Alfred did the one thing every teenage boy would do in his situation:

Floor it.

The tires spun in the sandy desert, and shot the car forward when they finally reached the two-lane, deserted highway. Meanwhile, Yong Soo fought with a rabid squirrel that had managed to enter the vehicle.

The red racer swerved on the road struggling to keep its balance. Alfred gripped onto the wheel with all of his strength, trying to keep his eyes on the blurry road. He couldn't even tell how fast the car was going, and that information was right in front of him.

Behind him, the squirrels had regrouped and were all on his tail. Yong Soo wondered what kind of squirrels they were, seeing as they could keep up with a car going about 80 miles per hour.

Later that day, with the squirrel army defeated and Arizona just behind the two hooligans, Alfred decided that he really had to go to the bathroom. Alfred found the next rest stop at a convenient two miles.

After they pulled into the parking lot, Alfred left the car in a mad dash for the men's room, while Yong Soo sauntered out to thoroughly inspect the candy machine.

Meanwhile, in the restroom, Alfred stood at a urinal doing what one always does at a urinal. An old man peed into the urinal next to him. His hair was curly and brown and full of life, but his face was worn and weathered and wrinkly. Much to Alfred's chagrin, he began speaking.

"You're so lucky to be young, kid." There was nobody else in the room. The old man was talking to Alfred. While peeing.

"You know, I once let the love of my life slip away from me. That was the stupidest thing I ever did. But I was young and didn't know how important they were."

Alfred was struck with curiosity. "So did you find them again? What happened?"

"Did you see a man with a scary look on his face whose hair looked kind of Legolas anywhere?"

"In the minivan next to where I parked."

The old man said nothing, only smiled widely, and fiddled with his buckle.

So yeah, next chapter is going to be an interlude, focusing on Norway/Taiwan. I don't even know why I'm even doing that because it is absurd. And it takes a lot of things for me to call something legitimately absurd. Also, sorry for not updating often. I am going to do what I always do and blame ADHD.