A.N. Woohoo! An Australian Day Special, wou'd ya like some kanga meat, mate? Eeeeeew...Never actually had kangaroo...I wonder if Hara-chama's had some...? By the way, sory that it's a bit late, my computer stuffed up!
Urahara: Gosh... What do you think? I live in Japan if you haven't noticed. Oh yeah, she doesn't own Lars Alexandersson, I can't remember who does, or Bleach, Tite Kubo does, she only owns herself and partially this absolutely ridiculous plot.
After the Soutaicho incident, when Ichigo got turned into a tabby cat and was bribed with catnip and yarn, we ran for the cover of the second division. Halfway there Ichigo poofed into smoke and came out his normal prude self, obviously we poked and prodded Ichigo to tell us what is was like to be a cat but he shoved us away screaming that we should ask Grimmjow instead and get killed. We didn't like that idea so we gave the strawberry the cold shoulder until we got bored and decided to bug him again. We ranted about the randomness of Sam Kekovich and the importance of cricket games with lamb chops; meanwhile Ichigo ranted about how nice is when we shut up.
We finally arrive at the second division barracks in time to see Soifon radiate a menacing aura and Omeada stutter for forgiveness and a chance to rephrase, Soifon denied both and instead chose to chase after her own lieutenant with a kunai. Ichigo pales, turns to me, grabs my shoulders and started to shake me violently back and forth loudly whispering, "For the love of everything that won't kill me, don't tell me we're gonna ask her right now to fly to New York?" Yup!" What? Are you absolutely insa-" Urahara tears Ichigo off me and drags Ichigo through the dirt to a large shrine dedicated to black cat with shining eyes. "Ooooooh! Look Kurosaki, a shrine! It's so shiny-" Are you nuts? We gotta get out of here before she brutally murders us and destroys all the evidence!" Ichigo screeches unknowingly, finally being noticed by the extremely annoyed ninja."You. What are you doing here? Answer me before I slice you into ribbons for Yoruichi-sama's tail." Ichigo pales until he looks more like a turnip with orange leaves than a human carrot top. He looks around himself frantically for Urahara but discovers that he was ditched.
So Ichigo did the bravest thing that strawberrykind and prudekind, maybe even mankind, has ever done...he talked to Soifon when she was having one of her emotional phases. By some miracle that could save all of humankind, Omeada whateverthehellhislastnameis had survived hundreds of years filled with Soifon's phases that ranged from 'Rawr I want you to worship Yoruichu-sama' to 'Groarg, you have offended the great goddess of ninjaness, Yoruichu-sama.' God knows how Ichigo will survive this.
"I was um... I...er..." Ichigo nervously gripped his giant butcher knife while Soifon slowly stalked towards him. Just as Soifon was about to turn Ichigo into strawberry smoothie I stealthily emerged from the shadows, Soifon spun to face me and place a second kunai at my throat while maintaining the first at Ichigo's throat. She glares at me, daring me to move. "You cannot ambush me. Tell me what you need before I slit your throat." I had heard that from Rukia too, we became good friends after I gave her a Chappy plushie. I wonder if Soifon would become my buddy if I give her something Yoruichi related? Anyway, I chuckle and Soifon presses the sharp kunai against my flesh, drawing blood, I reach into my pocket and pull out a neatly folded paper, I promptly unfold it. I raise it and shove it in Soifon's face, she then squeals while bouncing on the spot with her hands flailing madly causing her to drop the two kunai.
"You must let me have that glorious work of art that matches Yoruichi-sama's ninja skills!" Soifon squeals and points at the anonymous picture that shall soon be revealed. Urahara's head pops out from behind me and grins at Ichigo then he says, "Ha, sorry Kurosaki, we had to scare you half to death for this to work!" Urahara hides behind his fan and giggles while Ichigo glares daggers that could make even Ulquiorra spaz, well... he tried, instead he twitched like an evil Magikarp. I grin like the Cheshire Cat then offered Soifon a deal. "You will get this unique item only if you participate in a series of trails, after all, only the Chosen One and receive the fabled Yoruichi Cupcake!" Urahara added his own sound effects which consisted of woooooh, aaaaaah, eeeeeeh and glargh. Although I suspect that Ichigo tried to strangle Urahara on the last one. "OH I AM SO READY TO FACE THE TRAILS OF NINJANESS!" Very well young grasshopper, trail number one, cook lamb chops." Ichigo stopped doing whatever he was doing and stared at me like I had a banana growing out of my head; this was true with Lars Alexandersson.
Before I actually let her cook anything I have to teach her how to use a barbeque. "What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?" Soifon bounces around me. I hand Soifon cooking mittens and an apron that has the logo of world's best Aussie. She fumbles with the equipment that I gave her and Ichigo reluctantly instructs her on how to put everything on, Urahara watches chaos unfold while shoving his face with buttered popcorn that he got from god knows where. "Ok, first you turn the knob that says on/off to on, this will turn on the gas-" Soifon does this but applies too much force which causes the gas tank to release too much gas and that in turn coats Soifons braids and the bang framing the left side of my face. At this point Soifon decided to take some initiative to earn bonus cupcake points, I told her that the more points she has the more likely that the Yorucake will accept her. "So then I turn the barbeque on, right?-" No, for the love of all video games no!-" Too late.
She already turned on the barbeque, flames erupted from the small barbeque and set fire to Soifon's braids and my...my...MY PRECIOUS HAIR HAS BEEN BURNT TO A CRISP! As Soifon's hair burns she tries to extinguish it while I screech, run in circles, point at my hair frantically and make Urahara deaf by directing my screeches into his ear. "My hair, my hair, MY HAIR! Burnt, sizzled, fried, TAKEN FROM THIS LIFE AND BROUGHT TO THE NEXT!-" I clutch at my hair and calm down, dropping my hands down. Soifon succeeds in extinguishing her hair and turns to me only to gape in awe at my growing anger. I make eye contact with Urahara and state, deadly calm. "That was my favourite bang and my signature feature so if you don't bring it back I will rip up the Yorucake." As I said this Soifon lunged at Urahara and shook him yelling that he should save my hair and the glorious Yorucake. He somehow brought my hair back to life and since that I have entrusted Ichigo with showing Soifon how to operate the barbeque. Urahara offered me some of his popcorn, I accepted and we both continued watching what could be classified as a ninja failing to cook food.
"Alright, now that you can use a barbeque without burning down your division or burning your hair you can now cook a lamb chop-"I dangle the raw meat above the barbeque, she follows it with her eyes while pulling uncomfortably on the apron that she had on. It seems that she didn't know what an Aussie was, or what oi, oi, oi meant. I pull Ichigo towards Soifon, I had requested that Urahara leash Ichigo with a leather collar that could have a leash attached. The poor, misfortunate strawberry struggled but he surrendered when he came face to face with Urahara's weapon of mass destruction, Ichigo's baby pictures.
Now I have a slave that will do my bidding! Ichigo stumbles towards Soifon while I take out a bottle of marinade. "First you must marinate the meat-" I grin impishly and shove Ichigo into a pool of marinade that was conveniently placed behind Ichigo by my partner in crime, Ichigo trips over his own feet faceplants into the pool causing it to tip over and land on Ichigo soaking him with the smelt substance. "What is wrong with you?" I shut Ichigo up by pulling him out from under the port-a-pool by his leg and drag him through the dirt only to drop him onto a giant hamburger bun. "-drop the meat onto a hamburger bun and add condiments. Preferably barbeque sauce-" Urahara hands me a huge, and when I say huge I mean HUGE, bottle of barbeque sauce which I proceed to squirt over Ichigo, covering him with the stick, brown and very tasty sauce."Add cheese, lettuce and other toppings-"I give Soifon a tub full of lettuce, cheese and cucumbers. She inches towards the human hamburger and spreads the contents all over Ichigo, he groans but goes limp and passes out from all the screeching he was doing while I was torturing-uh... teach, yeah teaching, Soifon! Me and Soifon inspect our almost perfect human hamburger. "-now you're almost done, all you need is for someone to eat it!" Urahara eagerly speaks up, "A hollow could eat it!" Soifon nods and I grin, I then turn to her. "Good! Now make a hamburger for a human, not made of human." Soifon has stars in her eyes as she remembers the Yorucake so she skips around me making the hamburger that I requested.
She finishes making a gourmet hamburger and hands it to me. I raise it to my mouth and take a bit, savouring every single taste. I swallow then announce grandly, "Perfect blend of lettuce and cucumber, too much cheese, tastes too...cheesy. Well squirted sauce, evenly spread. 9 out of 10, it was good over all-" Soifon clutches at her head and runs circles around me squealing and screeching. "Heh, you brought me some lunch, made Ichigo into a food group. There is but one more trial left-" "What is it? I must acquire the Great Cupcake of Ninjaness!" i tsk and wag my finger, shove the picture of the crudely drawn cupcake in Soifon's face. "The final challenge is at midnight, you must come to New York with us. The details will be sent via Hell Butterfly. You will receive the Great Epic Yoruichi Cupcake of Uber Epicness and Ninja-y Nutrients now, I trust you with this sacred relic. "Oh yes! I will guard it with my life!" No need to go that far..." Soifon screeches one last time before passing out. Urahara lays the cupcake in Soifon's hand, we then venture to the third division barracks forgetting one simple thing.
Ichigo wakes up only to discover that his blanket is a piece of lettuce and his pillow a piece of cheese. He throws the food off him only to discover that he was covered in... barbeque sauce? He looks around confused and then spots a hollow advancing hungrily towards him. Ichigo turns around and runs for his life while the hollow behind him screeches, "Come back hamburger, I'm not hurt you! I'm only gonna eat you!" Now Soifon wakes up, she swore she could hear that obnoxious strawberry wailing and a hollow screeching something about eating a hamburger... she dismissed it with a shake of the head, she could care less what happened to him, she glanced at her hand and saw the most wonderful sight! A cupcake, not just any cupcake! A Yoruichi cupcake! She cupped the cupcake in her hands and waddled to her shrine, placed the cupcake beside a clump of black hair and began to worship the shrine. She had to thank that girl, what was her name? Riko?... Yeah, Riko. They were now well acquainted.
Haha, I don't feel sorry Ichigo! He'll live! Right...? Oh, this is a GOOD hamburger! Want some?... Naw, guess not. Rate and review!