After that night, as the world seemed a distant haze as the snow sprinkled down around us, I knew that it wouldn't be the last time I saw Arthur, and it wasn't. we walked back to my flat, the same one I live in now, and he walked me to my door and we talked and our breath lingered in the air like some mist. We talked about nothing and everything. I asked him inside and he came in and still we did not waver from out talk or our gazes. Talking led to exchanging numbers and then that led to text and even phone calls….then it seemed after that our plans were filled with nothing but each other.

We shared our first kiss right outside my door. I can recall how I held his hand and was laughing about something or other when he leaned in, pushed me against the frame. I froze and looked at him in nervousness before he laid his lips right onto mine. My first kiss and never had I felt more light. So sweet, so caring and so full of love.

We were there for our first everything, when he failed a test at the collage that he worked so hard for, I took him out to eat to forget every worry, when I cried when I messed up when trying to find my dad only he didn't want me, he held my close and whispered it was going to be all right, and it went back and forth.

I loved him, yes; I think I didn't realize it. That what I felt around him was in deed love and not some silly emotion that I let myself be fooled by. I just wish I wasn't as blind as I had been, too fearful for what might have come.

It had been a normal day, I was in my den wearing my sweat pants and the hoddie Arthur had brought me last week since he spoiled mine by running in the rain at 5 in the morning. My phone rang, I answered it and it was Arthur.

"Hey, Arthur. I thought you were working until late?"

I can feel the cold phone in my hands and his breathing very heavy but light in a way that made me pause as he spoke, his tone dull, "Merlin," he said to me over the phone, "can you meet me at the café?"

"Arthur lunch isn't for another hour!" I laughed maybe then I knew, I knew what would be coming.

"This isn't about lunch. Just meet me at our table, okay, love?" he hung up and I glanced out the window before making my way out the door.

I made it to the café, my nerves a jumbled mess as much as I can recall. I opened the door and stepped inside and ignored everything that had met me when I saw Arthur again since out first meeting. I walked over to the table and sat down and waited.

I must have had at least three glasses of wine for when he got there my face felt flushed and his expression when he met my eyes was that of amusement but also doubt. He sat down and asked for himself a drink too. I smiled at him, "Hey."

"You already drinking away without me, Merlin, what are we going to do with you?" he chuckled and I shrugged about to take another drink, to make him disappear for a second or two behind the glass, but he reached out and took my hand and held it.

"So," I said looking at our hands, " How come you're out of work so early?"

He pursed his lips and ran his thumb on the outside of my hand and said slowly, " the collage called and they told me a was an offered the scholarship in the states."

I smiled at him. This was what Arthur always wanted- a scholarship for the states, to work abroad. It was a dream of his he wanted to do for himself but also his dead mother and dead father who just died. He wanted to become a free-lance writer and America had some top schools.

"That's brilliant Arthur!" I exclaimed to him, " this is what you always wanted! So when do you leave, I suppose I should start making plans for if it's over the summer you and me will need to rent a house nearby. That is if you want me to go?" I trailed off with this since he let go of my hand.

"Merlin the scholarship will begin next week and I need to make a final decision by then." He paused and took a breath, " but I don't want to go if it' means leaving you here. I love you, Merlin and I don't want to leave you and all this for god knows how long."

I looked down at the table, " Arthur are you asking me to…"

"I won't go if you ask me not to. I can stay here in oxford because I don't need to go anywhere but where I can learn and I can learn here just fine."

He was asking me to make the choice for him. He wanted to stay but then, even as I sat in the chair, I was afraid. I didn't know what me and Arthur had, or I knew but was scared to admit it. He loved me and I him only….only I was not sure what to make of it all. I wasn't used to being loved or anything of the sorts. I was once told I was un lovable by someone and I took it to heart until I met Arthur. Arthur…..

"Arthur…I…..I think you should go. You love to write and you always wanted to go abroad and here is your chance, for you and your parents. Please don't think I don't want you here or don't like," I motioned to us," because I do, I really do, but we're still young yet and trying to figure out…"

I looked up at him and he didn't allow me to see though his mask that he wore on his face, "when you come back I'll be here and besides it's not as if we can't call or skype or I can't come down to visit. Please don't think badly of me."

" I don't, Merlin, I understand. I only wish….never mind. I do love you though know that much," he got up and kissed me on the head, I sniffed back tears. What was I doing or more yet what had I done? He cupped my check, " we shall stay in touch but I have to go to tell them I am accepting the offer. I'll see you….."

"When you can….tomorrow?"

"Yes."

He left then, and I watched him go and did the same the following day. I even went so far as to watch his plane leave and he waved and told my bye. I knew that I might have lost the guy I was too proud and scared to admit he changed my life and was best for me, but he needed this and I didn't know a thing about where love led someone who felt believing in their selves false.

I didn't see Arthur, or hear from him as much as I liked. I closed my self-off from him, telling myself it was best for when he came around who's to say he wouldn't find a new love for I wouldn't wait for me.

It was a year later I saw him again at Lancelot's funeral and I learned not all snows fall so sweetly in the winter in fact they can be hot and humid like the summer….. just like love can be strong as a person wills it to be.

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