AN: Wow – I'm updating much faster than I excepted to! So here is chapter 4 in which our favorite consulting detective finally manages to deduce some very important information about himself. This will probably be the last chapter from Sherlock's POV as John will be returning in the next chapter – yay!
Also a big THANK YOU! To everyone who has favorited and/or Alerted this story so far – but I have to say I would love some reviews. Just a simple "like it" or "hate it" will suffice!
Disclaimer: I'm praying to Santa to bring me the rights to Sherlock; until he does so I own nothing.
He doesn't know what to make of these nightmares. He's never had nightmares before; despite all the death and gore he sees on an almost daily basis. What do they mean? Is he really in love with John? His subconscious certainly seems to think so. That warm elated feeling he gets in the dreams, when John says he loves him has to mean something. And the fact that the very thought of John being injured or killed; starts a fire in his being; has to mean something too. He's never experienced heat like this before; this rage. He feels like he could literally explode from it.
But does it really mean he loves John? What does it mean to be in love anyway?
He's not really sure; he's never really experienced it. He knows in principle the chemicals and physical reactions that are responsible for the emotions. He even has a basic grasp of the emotions commonly associated with love. Loyalty, protectiveness, acceptance of on and other, simple affection and physical attraction.
But does that apply to him and John? He begins to examine the evidence piece by piece.
Loyalty: Yes. He knows he can always depend on John, no matter what. And he was always willing to help John with anything he truly needed; even if John doesn't realize that.
Protectiveness: Definitely. John killed for him in the first days of his acquaintance. And Sherlock had saved his life multiple times. There was one sure-fire way to raise Sherlock's wrath; and that was to threaten John.
Acceptance: Absolutely. He doesn't care that John had a limp; that he has scars. He doesn't care that John is an ex-soldier who likes to wear sweaters that look like they belong on teddy-bears. Actually he's quite fond of them. He accepted the fact that like everyone else John has to engage in mundane everyday life; eating, sleeping, working, courtesy, small-talk ect.
And John accepted him; which was a new experience for Sherlock. People had tolerated him; but never accepted before. John accepted the experiments, the long silences, the violin music and the never ending cases and chases. He accepted him during his darker days; when he was bored and his own mind turned against him. He accepted his carelessly made comments that offended most others and his brilliance without jealousy or complaint. Even when he left; John hadn't said anything against him; just the lifestyle.
Simple Affection: Sherlock's not sure on this one. The dictionary states that affection is a fond attachment to someone. He is very fond of John. He enjoys his presence. He likes the fact that they can laugh with each other. He likes the comfortable silences in the evening when Johns updating his blog and he is experimenting or researching. He likes invading John's personal space, curling up next to him when they watch telly, or standing closely beside him when they're working. And John doesn't seem to mind at all. Sometimes when they're on a case; waiting around for Lestrade to finalize things John will shift closer to Sherlock; shoulders brushing and lean into him a bit. Like he wants to snuggle up to him. And when Sherlock raises a question eyebrow at him he would always shrug and say "It's cold."
So; yes, he decides. Affection too.
Physical Attraction: Surprisingly yes. Surprising because Sherlock's rarely attracted to people physically. He's generally more concerned with intellect. But he is attracted to John. He loves his warm smiles and brown eyes. He loves his short sandy hair and that adorable look he gets on his face when he finally understands something that Sherlock is trying to explain. Is John attracted to him though? He's not really sure; he's caught John staring at him a few times; but perhaps he was simply lost in thought and didn't realize where his gaze had settled.
Damn.
He really does love John. It was so blatantly obvious he can't believe he'd missed it before. Spectacularly ignorant indeed. So he loved him; in his own Sherlockian way, now the question was what to do about it? He has no idea how John actually feels about him. Based on the evidence he considered it would seem John returned his feelings; yet John left. But then he let him. How can he possibly explain these new-found feelings to John; considering he let John walk away from him less than a week ago with no objection? And it was very likely that John didn't return his feelings. That was simply too painful to contemplate.
He doesn't know what to do; but he knows he can't go on like this. The haunting nightmares and now this weight of probably unrequited love is going to destroy him.
There has to be some escape.