A/N: I just thought I should put a warning here that there might be a trigger or two in this chapter so be warned.

Part Four

Santana had been at Brittany's all morning, surprising her when she woke up claiming that she missed her. They had done nothing but watch DVDs since she arrived and Brittany had rejected all of Santana's attempts to be affectionate, she knew she was imagining it but she felt like she could still taste Finn on her lips. It made her sick with guilt which meant she was only half lying when she claimed feeling ill was the reason she seemed was being distant with Santana.

"Then I'll look after you," Santana told her with a smile before kissing her on the cheek and standing up, "I'll go make us some sandwiches and I'm going to be your nurse all day, if only I had brought my candy striper outfit with me," she winked as she left the room, leaving Brittany to sulk.

She wished Santana would just be horrible to her, the nicer she was the worse she felt about what she did, it didn't matter what Finn said; it was her fault. Even if Santana did forgive her like Finn forgave Quinn, Brittany could never forgive herself.

Santana returned and they ate the sandwiches in silence with Santana stroking the side of Brittany's leg lovingly. After ten minutes Brittany realised that she was the only one eating.

"Santana?"

"Yeah, babe"

"Why aren't you eating the sandwiches?" Santana looked away and pretended to be fascinated with whatever was outside the window.

"I am, I had a few"

"No you haven't, you made four, I've had 3 halves and there's 5 halves left, that makes 8 right? Why aren't you eating?"

"I'm just not hungry,"

"Why did you lie about eating then?"

"Fine," she grabbed two halves of a sandwich and ate them, "Happy?" she asked with a smile.

"Yeah, I was just curious," Brittany replied. She was slightly worried, Santana's smile hadn't reached her eyes and she seemed irritated with her. 'Don't give her more reason to push you away, you fucked up enough already' she told herself.

"I need a pee, while I'm gone, can you get me a drink?" Santana asked getting up and walking towards the bathroom.

"Yeah sure, I'll be right back," Brittany walked to the door as Santana closed the bathroom door behind her, as she opened the door she realised she forgot to ask what drink Santana wanted, she closed it again and walked towards the bathroom. She was about to ask the question when she heard an unmistakeable sound, the sound of someone vomiting.

The door opened and Santana's face was in shock, obviously not expecting Brittany to be waiting there staring right at her.

"Brit…"

"Santana, why?"

"Why what?" Santana countered, becoming defensive.

"Why did you just make yourself puke?" Brittany replied, her voice raised, more from worry than anger.

"I just don't want to put any weight on, what's the big deal?"

"You're making yourself puke after eating! You didn't even eat much! That's a pretty fucking big deal San!"

"Get over it, Brits, you've done it before!"

"Yeah, like twice! And then never again, it's horrible Santana! You need to stop!"

"Why the hell would I stop when it works?" she asked becoming increasingly angry.

"How the hell does it work? It can really fuck up your body!"

"Well I got you! You think I'm hot, so I want to stay like that, okay?"

Brittany became timid, was this all her fault? "San… you didn't get me because you're skinny, and you're not just hot, you're beautiful. And you're beautiful for more reasons than your body…" Brittany stepped forward and pulled Santana's top over her head and turned her to the mirror. Brittany stared at Santana taking it all in, her ribs were showing and her hip and collarbones stood out much more than they should. "Look at you baby, I love you, but if you get any skinnier, it will be scary, you barely eat and when you do you throw up, how are you supposed to be a cheerio if you can barely stand because you're always so hungry? You'll get so thin your uniform will drop off you…"

Tears were building up in Brittany's eyes, but Santana remained cold and defensive, she grabbed her top and pulled it back on. "You're talking a load of shit, Brittany!" She pushed past her and walked towards the door, "I'm hot, so what if I have to go hungry or puke to make sure I stay that way, if you don't want me there's hundreds of people that do!"

"You…" Brittany hesitated, unsure if Santana meant what she had just said, "Do you really mean that? Do you really think I don't want you? Would you really just move onto someone else that quickly?" Santana stood there in the doorway, avoiding Brittany's gaze until she finally relented.

"No… I wouldn't move on. But I did mean part of it, you're supposed to love me for me, you're supposed to accept me just as I am, so I don't eat much and I throw up, stop trying to change me!"

"Are you insane? This isn't a part of your personality, it's not a hobby or a bad habit Santana, it's an eating disorder… An illness, that's not a part of who you are!"

"Yeah well some people say that about people like us, it's not who we are, its an illness, they say they can cure us. Would you like that Brit? Do you want someone to come along and 'cure' my love for you? Maybe I can go back to sucking Puckerman's dick and then you won't have to deal with me anymore, is that what you want?" Santana almost spat the words out making Brittany's tears finally fall. She didn't know how to deal with all this, she knew Santana wasn't really angry with her; she knew it was just her being defensive but she had no idea how to calm her down.

"Baby… its not the same, of course I don't want that, we aren't ill. But what you're doing to yourself, that is an illness," She spoke softly and tried to take Santanas hand but she pulled it back, "It's got a name and everything, I dunno what its called, it starts with a 'B' I think… Please, Santana"

"I'm not talking about this with you, I'll see you in school on Monday," she said coldly, "Just give it a fucking rest, Brittany, don't be so fucking dramatic!" She slammed the bedroom door as she walked through it and stormed out of the house leaving Brittany crying unable to call after her.

Anger and frustration welled up in her and she began hitting everything in sight, throwing anything she could grab across the room, she began to tire and fell to the ground, her hand catching on a piece of her broken mirror.

"Shit!" she grabbed a cloth to wipe away the blood but as she looked at it a strange feeling warmed her body, as she stared at the blood trickling its way down her arm from the palm of her hand, she felt a lightness envelop her body, as if with each droplet of crimson another fear was leaving her body, cleansing her of all her pain and confusion. She stayed there for an hour mesmerised by the bleeding and the slow crusting of the blood, running through the shades of red, brown and black as it dried. She felt at peace.

"Rachel, listen to me please!" he had been trying to explain what happened between him and Brittany for half an hour but hadn't got more into the explanation than "We're just friends" she had been walking around her bedroom, pretending she was busy, refusing to acknowledge him since he had arrived. Eventually he had enough and grabbed her by the shoulders and forced her to look at him.

"We. Are. Just. Friends!" he told her "She was feeling crap cause she had an argument with Santana, I gave her a hug and we were both upset and ended up falling asleep! That's it, got it!" he took a deep breath, " I don't know how it happened but we just became really close really quickly after we hung out after we ditched the party,"

"Why did you even ditch the party anyway, you said you had something to do, I didn't realise that something, was a bubbly blonde cheerio!" she shouted.

"It's not like that! I was just pissed at you, she was upset with Santana so we both decided to get out of there instead of feeling miserable, nothing happened!" he lied, willing her to believe him.

"You- you were angry at me?" she asked, "What did I do wrong?" she sat down on the bed, looking withdrawn. Finn watched her for a minute as she tried to work out what could have happened before he decided to explain things.

"I saw the email, Rachel," he told her trying not to show his emotions.

"What email?"

"The one to Jesse…" He continued to watch his composure as her eyes widened and the pieces clicked into place in her brain.

"I'm so sorry Finn…" she walked towards him tears already running rivers down her face, a pleading look in her eyes, "I swear I love you, I swear!"

"I know…" guilt once again shot through him, there she was crying and asking for forgiveness from him and all she had done was at worst emotional cheating, he woke up, his dick still inside someone else just the day before. "I still love Quinn," he blurted out before he was even aware of it, it was almost as if he had so many surface thoughts he was trying to press down that one of them slipped through and spilled out of his mouth.

"What?" she looked shocked, more tears pouring down her face. He did his best to think of a way to salvage to situation.

"You're in love with Jesse, I'm in love with Quinn, we're both in love with each other," 'I'm developing a thing for the girl I fucked behind your back,' he finished in his head, "So I guess, we're even right? I shouldn't be mad at you,"

"I…"

"Listen, I know it sucks, but one of my friends once told to me, 'you can love two people, it doesn't mean you love either of them any less it just means you have more love to give' or something like that anyway, I'm with you, I picked you Rachel and I love you, we can't help having feelings for other people, especially not two people that have been such a big part of our past. But we can help how we choose to act on those feelings," He felt quite proud of himself for that line, "I'm not going to be mad at you for something you can't control, I should only be mad at you if you cheat on me…" 'Hypocrite, prick, liar, bastard, I hope you're proud of yourself,' he willed the voice in his head to shut up.

"I guess, just promise me you wont leave me for Quinn,"

"I promise…"

"Or anybody else,"

"Or anybody else, not Quinn, not Brittany, not anyone…" It was only after the look on her face at Brittany's name did he realise his mistake. He had just let Rachel know, Brittany meant something. 'Fucking moron, Hudson..'

A/N: In case anyone is wondering, yes what brittany feels is what self harm feels like and this might sound like obvious advice but DO NOT TRY IT. It doesn't feel like that for long and eventually turns into something much, much worse.