Chapter 15
Dimly, Shepard heard Garrus make a low, mournful warble—the kind of noise a translator didn't know what to do with.
Shepard didn't say anything. In a dim part of her mind, she recognized what had happened. She was still on a battlefield; she couldn't let herself think or feel yet. She could only do what she needed to do. After a moment, she climbed onto the elevator.
Kaidan put his hand out to stop the elevator door from closing. "Shepard, didn't you hear me? Ashley's gone; she… died."
"I heard you," Shepard said in a calm voice. "But I need to take a shower now. I'm filthy. Please step back."
He did so, shock and pain registering on his face. She felt those too, distant, like taps of rain against a window. A memory, short and dagger sharp, pierced through her cloudy thoughts.
Rain pattered against their home, pelting the top of the pre-fab colonial housing like hundreds of tiny dancing feet. Her breath steamed against the window. Behind her, the unlikely combination of scents ranging from fertilizer to fresh-baked cookies wafted through the air. Mom had brought some of her soil samples in from the lab. The cookies were dessert.
"Mom, can I go outside?"
"Not today, sweetie. It's raining."
"But I want to go outside!"
"It's not safe out, yet. When the storm passes, then you can go outside."
Shepard blinked and found herself standing in front of her cabin door. She palmed the release and walked in, mechanically removing her armor. Only then did she realize then that she should have stopped at the armory since it would need repaired. Oh well. At least she could have it cleaned. In her underarmor, a thin gray bodysuit, she pressed the pieces of her armor into their slots and set the cleaning cycle on high.
She peeled off her underamor, hissing with pain as the cloth pulled away from her shoulder wound. Next, she removed the N7 tank top she always wore, and her underthings, throwing them all into the laundry chute. After a moment of calm, deliberate consideration, she set out clean clothes on the bed—underwear and a freshly pressed officer's uniform. Hackett would want an update about the battle as soon as possible and she needed to look the part of a victorious war hero.
"And what about me, huh? What's my purpose?"
"That's an easy one. Yours is to save the galaxy and make ridiculously good-looking babies with Alenko. Mine? Well, maybe… maybe it was just to remind you not to sweat the small stuff."
Shepard stumbled on her way to the shower. She turned it on, cranking the heat up higher than she normally did. It stung at first, but soothing steam soon filled the small bathroom. Shepard leaned her forehead against the cool wall, letting the water hit the back of her head. She swallowed deeply as something clawed at the back of her throat, something that if released might sound like a scream.
"You gotta let it go, Skipper."
"Ash…" Shepard choked and the tears finally came, mingling with the shower water that ran down her face.
#
Kaidan found her there twenty minutes later. He'd volunteered to check on her since Chakwas had her hands full with wounded among the crew. He fingered the OSD in his pocket and walked into the cabin. She wasn't within that he could see, though he noticed the clothes laid out on the bed and lights blinking on the armor locker along the wall.
"I'm in here," came her voice from behind him.
He walked to the bathroom door, a little startled when it opened to reveal Shepard. She was naked and sitting on the floor with knees drawn up to her chest and water streaming down on her. Her eyes were red-rimmed.
"Hey," he said a little lamely. "You okay?"
She rested her chin on her knees. "No. Not yet. But I will be." She huffed something that might have been a laugh. "I seem to say that a lot these days."
Kaidan watched her for a moment, then reached in and turned the shower off. "Crew's worried about you, Shepard."
"Of course," she sighed, running a hand through her waterlogged hair. "Shepard Almighty, to the rescue."
"No, it's not like that," he insisted, shaking his head. "They're worried about you. They want to know that you're okay." Since she still wasn't moving, he walked over to the small linen closet and withdrew a towel, walking back over to hand it to her.
"There wasn't anything Chakwas could do," Kaidan said quietly as she stood and took the towel from him, burying her face in it. "Between the cancer and the multiple bullet wounds, her body was just under too much stress."
Shepard sniffed and emerged from the towel, eyes watery as she wrapped it around herself. "Yeah. It's just… I started to believe that it was a second chance, you know? That Virmire could be washed away because she wasn't dead, and I didn't mess up and she would be alive to see Sarah graduate…" Her face grew haunted. "When Ashley was around, I started to remember what it felt like to have family…"
Kaidan felt a pang of sympathetic pain. It was easy to forget that Shepard hadn't had a family since she was a teenager, but as scarred over as the wound might be, it was undoubtedly still tender when touched. He remembered Ashley and Shepard on off duty hours during the hunt for Saren; they'd been as close as sisters, laughing and talking as if the barrier of rank didn't exist. After Virmire, she'd withdrawn so completely into her professional soldier shell that Kaidan wondered if Shepard the woman had disappeared completely under the weight of duty and regret.
She blew out a breath. "Sorry. I'll be fine." She cleared her throat, her voice stronger. "I'll be fine." She started to walk by him toward her clothes on the bed. He caught her arm as she walked past.
"You're not alone, Shepard," he said in a low voice. "Don't ever believe that for a minute."
She met his eyes and suddenly he was very aware that they were alone and only a towel separated them. He dragged his eyes up to her face and reached into his pocket for the OSD. "Here, she left his for you." He set it on the desk. "Let me know if I can do anything, Shepard. I mean it." He glanced down at her bare shoulder, noticing for the first time the trickle of blood oozing from a bullet wound, and sucked in a breath. "You're wounded."
"It's nothing. Medi-gel must be wearing off," she said, looking down at her shoulder as if she'd forgotten about it. "There are people who need Chakwas more than me—"
"Stop that," Kaidan said, giving her arm a little shake, making her look up at him with wide eyes. "We need you, Shepard. I need you. Don't forget that."
Her throat worked for a moment then she nodded, eyes bright.
"Get some clothes on while I find the first aid kit," he ordered gently. "You could go into shock from blood loss if you're not careful."
"It's in the bathroom, under the sink," Shepard supplied, walking toward the clothes she had laid out on the bed.
Kaidan entered the small bathroom and unclipped the kit from its hiding spot. He opened it, checking its contents to make sure it had all he needed. By the time he walked out Shepard had got into her undergarments, though the injury was at last appearing to affect her: her skin was pale, and she had that tight look about her face, as if holding the pain at bay by sheer willpower.
Kaidan scanned the wound with his omni-tool, checking for the bullet or bullet fragments. As he'd suspected, it had passed cleanly through the soft tissue in her shoulder, narrowly missing a bone. If the bullet had been left behind, he would have dragged her down to the med-bay himself to dig it out. But it wasn't, and Kaidan set to patching her up. She was a good patient: sitting still and not twisting away, even when he cleaned the wound with antiseptic. Medi-gel applied directly to both sides of the wound ended the process. He watched the medi-gel grow cloudy to make sure it sealed correctly and closed the first aid kit.
"Done," he said, wiping his fingers on the towel. "Chakwas should look it over after a day or two, but right now, what you need is rest."
"Yeah. I'll do that after I report to Hackett." She shifted, moving her hand atop his on the bed, rubbing her thumb over his knuckles. "Thanks, Kaidan. I'll see you in the briefing room?"
He looked at their hands and cleared his throat. "Yeah. See you there."
#
The door to her cabin shut behind Kaidan. Shepard stared at the OSD he left behind, took a deep breath, and plugged it into her terminal. Instantly, Ashley's face flickered into view on the screen. She was looking at someone out of frame.
"…Thanks Dr. Chakwas." She turned back to the camera, frowning, her fingers moving slightly at the bottom of the screen and the picture cleared. "Hey Commander. If you're getting this, then I've died. Again." She frowned suddenly, as if concentrating. "Sorry for anything weird I might say. I just woke up from the surgery to implant a new chip in my head. The salarian—what was his name, Dr. Soling?—anyway, he said it should control the other chips without you needing to constantly toss an overload at me. The drugs are still siphoning out of my system so I'm a little woozy." She grinned suddenly, and Shepard felt her heart twist in pain. "My plan – once the world stops spinning – is to find some armor and take that sweet-looking Hammerhead thing down to Taetrus to join the fight. Hope you left some for me, Skipper. Anyway, you know I'm never one for mushy stuff. But if I have died, I know you're probably blaming yourself. Again. And, really, you need to stop that. I'm a marine, born and bred. I knew death was in the contract soon as I signed up and if I died helping you, which means I died helping to defeat the Reapers, then that's a hell of a send-off that most soldiers never get."
Ashley fussed with the camera again. "I told you back then that I had no regrets, and it's still true." Ashley looked distant for a moment, then focused back on the camera. "One other thing. This chip that the salarian gave me? It's bringing back some… memories. Orders, really, that the other chips were receiving. " Her face scrunched up as if she tasted something sour. "It's a really weird feeling because they feel like my thoughts even though I know they aren't. Anyway, Cerberus's original plan was for me to infiltrate your squad. What they wanted from there, I don't know. Probably kill you in some public place for optimum press coverage. They only ordered me to kill you in the Citadel once it became clear that Alenko wasn't going to let his suspicions go." She shrugged. "That's all I know about that at any rate.
"This is my last message. Say goodbye to Alenko, Vakarian, and Chakwas for me. I only recorded one other for Joker at the end of this one and you're not allowed to view it. Got that?" She scowled at the camera. "It's corny, but you never did mind my poetry. So here's one of my favorites. Been saving it for something like this." She sat back and said in a clear, strong voice:
Sunset and evening star,
And one clear call for me!
And may there be no moaning of the bar,
When I put out to sea,
But such a tide as moving seems asleep,
Too full for sound and foam,
When that which drew from out the boundless deep
Turns again home.
Twilight and evening bell,
And after that the dark!
And may there be no sadness of farewell,
When I embark;
For tho' from out our bourne of Time and Place
The flood may bear me far,
I hope to see my Pilot face to face
When I have crost the bar.
Ashley smiled at the camera. "So long, Shepard. See you on the other side." The screen went dark.
Shepard sat for a moment at the desk, her hair starting to dry. The pain in her shoulder had receded to a dull ache by now.
Then, the screen lit up again. Ashley peered at the camera. "This is the beginning of Joker's message, so if you're still watching, Skipper, scram or I will come back to haunt you."
Shepard laughed out loud, the sound loosening something tight in her chest. She turned off the recording and finished getting dressed, combing her fingers through her hair. It was getting too long; she needed to have Rupert give it a trim.
In the CIC, she nodded at her crew, paused beside a few, talked with them, took care of some minor shipboard business, and continued on until she was at the helm. Joker didn't turn around; didn't even acknowledge she was there.
"This is for you. From her," she said softly, dropping the OSD into Joker's hand. She rested a hand on his shoulder, feeling him twitch beneath her fingers. "Feel free to watch mine, if you like, but yours starts at three minutes." She paused, then added with a smile. "I was under strict orders not to watch it, so I didn't."
Joker's eyes flicked up to hers then down at the OSD. His fingers closed over it and he nodded, clearing his throat. "Thanks, Shepard."
Shepard nodded and walked back through the CIC. Kaidan lifted his eyes from his workstation. She smiled slightly at him, and he looked relieved. He walked over to her. "Hackett's ready for us."
"Let's go then." She said, smiling and they walked together, hands brushing, sending little sparks thrumming through her.
A/N: Poem is "Crossing the Bar" by Alfred Lord Tennyson; written in 1889. I've used it in another Ashley fic, so you might recognize it if you've read anything else on my profile. Props to TheOddLittleTurtle for bringing this poem to my attention!
One more chapter to go; more of an epilogue, really, except that it's as long as a chapter.