A/N: The shed of truth and the chapter y'all have been waiting for. Sorry for the slight delay.

Chapter Twenty One

Matthew felt his heart sinking and his stomach jumping with butterflies of joy at the same time. Somehow the two slammed into each other in the middle leaving him slightly breathless (the lungs were an innocent casualty) and feeling like his liver got squished somewhere in the middle.

Ivan hummed and jerked on the door. It shuddered but held fast. Matthew scooted away a little and settled on the seat of a snowmobile. Ivan rattled the door and pushed on the sides before deciding there was no way out.

"Someone will let us out eventually." Matthew muttered softly, getting to his feet slowly. He shivered a little now that he wasn't being active and was stuck in an icebox of a shed.

"Is Matvey angry with me?"

Oh. Shit. He hated that freezing to death was such a slow way to go. He was wishing for an inferno or a hanging or having his head chopped off right now.

Was he…

Wasn't Ivan… angry with him?

It was hard to tell. He couldn't see Ivan's face in the darkness, couldn't see his eyes or his smile. He could only hear the quiet hurt that seeped around Ivan's normal child-like voice.

"I…" Matthew felt his throat tightening and he wrapped his arms around himself. Partly to hold in his nervousness and partly because it was chilly. He could hear Ivan's breathing from a ways away. He shifted towards Ivan unconsciously then caught himself. He shuffled his feet and swallowed. "Umm…"

"Because I do not believe that I have done anything to earn Matvey's ire." Ivan continued bluntly, the hurt being replaced by a hardness. Matthew heard him settle against the far wall.

This was the moment of truth, so to speak. He had to be honest with Ivan. He had to say that he wanted him, had always wanted him, needed him. But Matthew was afraid to lose him. He'd rather have Ivan as a friend, an untouchable friend, than earn his disgust and hate. Aside from the fact that Ivan could (quite happily in fact) make his life a living misery, he even preferred that to the cold shoulder. He could deal with that, but he'd be miserable, but he could deal with that.

What he couldn't deal with was being Alfred's replacement.

Just thinking about it; thinking about Ivan thinking of Alfred, of calling out Alfred's name instead of Matthew, of Alfred's likes and dislikes and mannerisms tainting everything between them, it made him ill. He bit the inside of his cheek and hugged tighter.

How could he tell Ivan that?

Ivan had been stalking his brother for months. Ivan clearly wanted Alfred, so clearly that everyone (but Alfred himself… but maybe Alfred too) could see his wanting. And Matthew was no Alfred. He didn't laugh loudly, beam, and charm his way through life. He didn't charge forward or have a billion friends or get fantastic grades in Calculus. He was quiet and somewhat boring. He occasionally had a beer (or 11, but the party was unusual—for very obvious reasons) and occasionally met up with Sophie's brother for some… less legal activities involving a little pot, but overall he hadn't done meth or coke or drunk himself stupid. He didn't enjoy parties and preferred books or hockey or even hiking/skiing depending on the weather. And just because he held his temper and was a little reserved, most people considered him a pushover. He certainly wasn't Alfred's clone or replacement, not even in body with his slighter frame and curly blonde hair.

"Is Matvey nervous?" Ivan asked in a generous, light tone. Matthew bit down harder, realizing this was getting away from him. "Because I am a dangerous person, da? And Matvey is in a shed with me. Who knows what I might do with no interference."

"I think… I'm safe with you, Ivan." Matthew said, feeling innocent and naïve, but meaning it. He did feel safe with Ivan. He had felt that way since the beginning, but it had grown into a warm feeling that encompassed him like a big Ivan-bubble when they were near each other. He forced himself to shuffle closer to where he thought Ivan was standing.

Ivan made a small noise that was a cross between a laugh and a chuckle. Matthew shivered harder, a combination of the thrill at the noise and the cold that blew through a crack in the shed base.

"Matvey should be nervous." Ivan continued in a slightly deeper tone, "Matvey could merely be my plaything. Toys break."

Matthew made a face at being compared to a Barbie doll, but he wasn't remotely surprised. He had observed how Ivan acted around Yao, Ivan's other friend on campus. He liked to tease and taunt. He had seen how Ivan acted around Alfred, pushing buttons and grinning at the reaction. Most of the time it wasn't malicious; Ivan was just seeing what he could get away with. Because he found it fun.

But that didn't make his threat any less real or intimidating.

"Ivan," Matthew started, gathering his thoughts and ignoring his hammering heart. He was doing this assbackwards and while locked in a shed, but he wanted to lay things out clearly. "I want to… I, um, that is…" Matthew stumbled and sniffed in frustration.

"Yes?"

"You don't think I'm like Alfred, do you?"

Ivan hummed, "No, Matvey are not Alfred. Matvey is very different; he is much calmer and quieter."

Great. Great qualities to point out Ivan. Pick the boring, stupid ones that made Matthew such a wallflower.

"But Matvey is the stillness over the ice, hiding the landscape." Ivan continued considering. "There is a lot hidden beneath the surface."

Matthew wasn't sure how he ended up pressed against Ivan's body. His fingers curled into the soft coat and he shivered. Ivan patted him gently on the back but made no move to push him away or pull him closer.

"I don't want to be Alfred's replacement." Matthew whispered into the coat so softly he was sure Ivan couldn't hear half his words. Ivan stood still, his hand moving up to Matthew's hair. He stroked in a measured, soothing rhythm silently. "I can't because then I'll disappear. I'll just be Alfred's clone. There won't be any more Matthew. You'll be fucking Alfred, just like you've been wanting, while Matthew is locked away. And I can't kill Matthew because Matthew wants to live and be free."

Ivan's hand stopped slowly and slipped down to his shoulder. He could feel Ivan lean over, could feel the heat and nearness as Ivan's lips brushed his ear and blew his wayward curls out of the way. He shivered, this time without a trace of cold, and listened.

"I want Matvey. Alfred is not interested." Ivan whispered seductively in a conspirator's whisper. His voice teased and trickled down Matthew's eardrums to his brain.

"So… I'm second choice?" Matthew replied bitterly, "You give up on him and go for the next best thing, right? Because then you can pretend you're at least screwing Alfred."

Ivan pulled away slightly, his fingers griping tighter on Matthew's shoulder. There was a long pause before Ivan replied stonily, "Perhaps Matvey would be a good substitute to Alfred."

Matthew's violet eyes widen in shock and prickled with tears. Ivan had just basically summed up his entire existence. Alfred was God and Matthew was a cheap substitute. It had always been that way. His parents? They forgot him. His friends? They thought he was Alfred. Even random strangers on the street waved and said that was some touchdown. And now Ivan, who he thought actually saw him, said he was fuckable because he looked like Alfred. That was just wonderful. Fucking fantastic.

He yanked himself away and went to the other side of the shed. He wedge between the vehicles, not noticing the tires digging into his ribs or the cold air blowing from under the edge of the shed. He tried not to sob because he knew Ivan could still hear him. Or worse, he'd follow the noise and find him to inflict more pain on him.

He lost track of the time as they sat there in complete silence. Once or twice he had almost called out to Ivan, just to make sure the other had not gone to sleep and frozen or something like that. Or just to make sure he wasn't alone in this dark, lonely shed. But it certainly wasn't because he wanted to talk to the bastard.

All of his deeply hidden fears and insecurities had just been thrown back in his face by someone he trusted.

Eventually he started dozing. He pinched himself then slapped himself to stay awake. He knew he should get up and move but even the chance of accidentally brushing against Ivan forced him to stay still. His head dipped lower and lower then jerked up. The feeble light that seeped in from the cracks was waning and he knew it was going to get colder as the sun went down. He barely noticed when he stopped shivering or when his head hit the tire and stayed there.

And the only thing he could think was he didn't get to spend the rest of the day on the slopes. And that was a damn shame. There was something else nagging at his mind, but all he kept circling around it was he didn't get to go snowboarding, and he had really wanted to.

The next time he came to, he heard Ivan's voice—or he thought it was Ivan's voice, it seemed too deep and less-than-childlike—speaking over him. He was grateful for the dark because Ivan couldn't see him. And he couldn't see Ivan. But he could hear Ivan; really hear him. Not his words but his tone and emotions, which he normally hid behind a smile and giggle.

"Matvey will be okay. Soon someone will come and we can go inside. I am sure the fire is going and it will be very warm and we will not have to be cold anymore." Ivan crooned and Matthew realized that he must be closer than he first thought because the voice was slightly above him. "I hate the cold; I have always hated the cold. It made me so lonely, even with Natalia and Katerina. And then Katerina left, left me, and Natalia too, although not physically. And I was alone. I like warmth and the sun. Do you know why I love sunflowers so dearly? They sunworship when I can't. They follow the sun like a beacon; they are brilliant and bright…"

Matthew missed the next part of Ivan's rambling because he realized, with some fascination, that he was actually tucked against Ivan's side, in his coat. He could feel Ivan's ribs shift and rumble as he spoke. His body had warmed up enough to start shivering again, although he tried to hold it in. Ivan seemed to notice how tense he was because he shifted, pressing Matthew up against his side again. The warmth seeped in from the gesture.

"…Alfred is like the sun. But I am not a sunworshipper like sunflowers. I do not do well with sunburns…"

Matthew tried to listen because he thought Ivan might be saying something important. But he was now warming up and instinctively burrowed closer. He didn't care what Ivan had said earlier as long as the personal heater action didn't stop.

Ivan then leaned down and kissed Matthew on the head. His large hand moved tenderly across Matthew's face, tracing his lips and running across his cheeks.

"You are beautiful." Ivan murmured. Matthew tried to think of another time Ivan had referred to him as 'you' instead of Matvey, but his brain was on par with a slushie machine. Instead he took the compliment at word value. Ivan thought he was beautiful. Ivan liked the way he looked, with his mauve eyes and light, curly hair and angled chin.

"I wish to kiss you." Ivan punctuated this statement with another kiss to the top of the head, "I like you, Matvey, very much, but I do not know how to say such things. In fact, I am somewhat afraid of misstepping. I have not had many close relationships. Matvey and Alfred were my first close friends who were not afraid. Matvey said I was a good person and encouraged me to contact Katerina. Matvey thanked me and kissed me and did not laugh at me. And I love this about Matvey."

Matthew's eyes widened. Now that he was waking up more and actually processing what Ivan was saying, he was stunned. Ivan appreciated him and thought he was beautiful. Ivan thought he was a good friend and wanted to kiss him. This honest ramble, delivered in the most natural tone Matthew had ever heard out of Ivan's mouth, shook his resolve. He could practically feel the loneliness and hope rolling off Ivan.

Maybe he wasn't Alfred's substitute. Maybe Matthew was special to Ivan as Matthew.

"Y-you can k-kiss m-me. Please." Matthew managed to croak out. His throat was filled with crud and he was still shivering a little. But at least his teeth weren't knocking together anymore. That could be awkward and dangerous with the uncontrollable gnashing.

Ivan fell silent, probably in surprise after finding out he had an audience. Matthew took the opportunity to straddle Ivan's lap, careful to not clumsily place a knee in a sensitive place, and he felt around for Ivan's face. His fingers dragged lightly down the round cheeks and brushed over the big nose that he found so adorable. The finger pads whisked over his lips before pressing firmly against them with one finger.

"Let me talk, eh?"

A smile quirked against his finger, "I suppose you will speak whether I wish it or not."

"Yeah, just you try to stop me." Matthew growled playfully to hide his nervousness and sat up straighter. He knew Ivan couldn't see him, but he felt better that way. The dark shielded him, "I… I've liked you. For a long time. And I've wished for this boyfriend thing to be real until it became a prayer. And… and despite not wanting to be in Alfred's shadow, I used him to get to you. Because I knew you liked him. And maybe if I was like Alfred, you'd like me too. It was awful of me, but I just… just wanted to know you better. And now that I know you… I like you even more. You make me feel… safe… and of course, I think your ass is hot. Really hot. And your nose is cute too."

Ivan gave a full chuckle this time and gave a nice squeeze to Matthew's butt with both hands, "Matvey has a nice body as well."

"I have nice lips." Matthew hinted. He didn't want to Ivan to respond before he pushed up. There was a few fumbling seconds where lips were on cheeks and noses and eyelids. But from then on it was just bliss. Matthew rose on his knees and pressed down against Ivan, giving him every bit of stored tension he had in him. There was a lot of tension. Months worth of tension. And he was letting it all pour out.

They ran out of air and energy too soon and he sank down against Ivan's chest. If it weren't so damn cold, he might have had Ivan stripped, but he settled for allowing the cloth to get in the way. His ear fell over Ivan's heart and he could hear it pounding. He enjoyed it as Ivan's chest rose and fell, slowly evening out. He wasn't stupid. He didn't think this was the end of all their troubles. But he knew Ivan liked him, and liked him for him. Or he hoped so. And that was good enough for the moment.

Suddenly the door slammed open.

"Mattie?" Alfred called out hesitantly. He sounded somewhat frantic and worried, "Mattie, are you in here? Oh god, please say you're in here."

"Al…"

Alfred's eyes landed on the two and he let out a huge sigh.

"Why are you two in a shed?"

"It locked us in, you knucklehead." Matthew retorted, "And it took how long to realize I was gone? Geez, I could've died on the mountain or something."

Alfred looked stricken. Apparently the thought had occurred to him somewhere along the frantic search. Matthew was actually a little touched. Alfred ran forward and threw himself on the two. Ivan snuck a feel and Matthew sighed. Yes, there were still some issues to be worked out here.