A/n: Happy New Years a tad belated.
Alfred was dreamily staring into space and Matthew wasn't sure he wanted to know why. He was fairly sure it wasn't because McDonald's brought back his favorite seasonal item of lard and sugar and things not found in nature. Although if he had to hear about it, smell it, or see it one more time he was going to change the locks when Alfred was out harassing Natalia.
No, he had that disturbing look that meant he was fantasizing about things normal young men wouldn't even register.
"Do you want kids?"
Yup, what did Matthew just say? Most guys said that magic words in regards to the word kid: not mine.
"Uh, no." Matthew responded.
Alfred gave a lazy smile, "But if you could have kids I mean. Y'know, they'd look super cute. Beautiful."
"Did you just call my hypothetical child 'beautiful?'"
"Well, the nose might be a little big… but that's easily fixed with a quick trip to Thailand… but yeah. Silvery-blond curls and big, blue-violet eyes? With your pixie chin and Ivan's cheekbones… your kid would totally be beautiful. You got the genes, bro."
"And how many kids are you planning to have?"
"Hmm, I dunno. Six? Six is a nice number." Alfred grinned, looking appallingly happy at the thought of filling his future home with six noisy, screaming, pseudo-humans who smear shit on the wall.
"When would you stop?" Matthew groaned, "Six is obviously not enough. Are you trying to repopulate the world? This isn't the aftermath of Zombieland you know."
"I'll stop when you start… I'm having to do your share too, man. You gene-slacker."
Ivan rejoined them, smiling and looking between the two brothers. The three of them were waiting for Toris so they could go bowling.
Alfred reached up and poked Ivan's cheeks antagonizing, "See what I mean. Freakin' adorable. Fat widdle cheekie weekies."
Ivan made a lightning-fast grab, faster than usual, and actually snagged Alfred's index finger. With a mirthless smile, he started slowly bending while Alfred whined and struggled.
"What the hell? Lemme go, lemme go. OWW, you friggin' commie." Alfred snarled and finally yanked his finger away with a particularly nasty popping sound. He inspected it mournfully and turned to Matthew, "Here's hoping the kid has YOUR temperament. The guy here is missing the passive in passive-aggressive, and no one likes a bully."
Ivan cocked his head, "Child? You have a child, Matvey?"
Matthew, who has quietly been minding his own business and gazing in some shop windows, jumped and blinked. He barely caught himself from blurting out if he was on Jerry Springer or something. Instead his vacant mind transcribed the last few minutes and it all made more sense.
"No. Al's being stupid. He thinks we should have kids."
"That is not possible." Ivan stated plainly looking at Alfred like he should know that male mammals couldn't get knocked up and have babies. The plumbing wasn't there. And even kids knew that you don't just poop babies out of your colon. It came from your tummy, duh… although so did poop… wait, never mind.
Alfred brushed his statement aside, "Mommy Mattie. I think I see the glow."
Matthew's lips curled up into a gleeful smirk, "Who says I'm the one carrying?"
Alfred started laughing and laughing. He paused to look at Matthew, "You're serious?"
Matthew nodded with an appropriately straight face.
Alfred thought about it for a full 73 seconds before he grabbed his head and started screaming bloody murder, "Too much information! TMITMITMI… Christ on a cracker!"
"What are you guys talking about now?" Toris asked as he skirted around Ivan and stood on the other side of Alfred. Alfred made a few more faces of absolute I-can't-believe-my-brother-tops horror before saying calmly, "Ivan and Matthew's baby."
Toris looked at him suspiciously.
Alfred nodded sagely, "You see, Ivan's really name is Ivanna, and she's a cross dresser. And my slut of a brother here knocked her up. So let this be a lesson to you about Kat, okay?"
Toris blinked, "I'm pretty sure she's not a cross-dresser…"
Matthew was pretty sure too.
"…I mean about the bun in the oven." Alfred elaborated and Ivan and Toris blinked while Matthew groaned.
"Yaknow, eggo is preggo? Be-child'd? Up the duff?" Alfred added for good measure and Ivan frowned, "I do not understand your garbled American slang."
"In the family way then." Alfred said with a nod, "Use condoms."
That was rich, from the guy that was asking how to USE a condom just a few months ago. Since when did he become the safe sex police? Next he'd be confiscating Matthew's weed and dumping the vodka down the sink.
Toris finally got the point and flushed a bright red while slinking away from a still vaguely clueless Ivan. Ivan's purple eyes were narrowed at Alfred, as if he were only getting the gist and suspected that Alfred was having a grand joke on his behalf.
"But really, like I was telling Mattie, you'd have beautiful children. Fat, healthy, little tow heads with pale eye lashes and ash blond hair."
Ivan looked affronted, "My child is not fat."
"All babies are fat; that's part of their charm." Alfred countered, clearly enjoying himself too much to actually shut the hell up, "Except, y'know, those starving babies in Africa and shit… aww, poor babies. We should send money to them!"
Matthew rolled his eyes. Did Alfred ever give it a rest? How many other people were so generously sending their hard-earned money to help the poor babies overseas and completely ignored the babies in their home countries who were starving or sick or homeless? He couldn't fault Alfred too hard, but there came a point where you should take care of your own before others.
"Really, the your baby would look better than Feliks does now." Alfred adding topic bouncing in a way that would make a world class ping ponger jealous.
"Alfred!" Toris protested.
"Sorry, Felica, or whatever she's called now. I saw the pictures… who'd'athunkit."
"Felicity." Toris sighed, "And please stop that."
Alfred was already off on the next topic as he grabbed Toris and dragged the poor guy ahead of Ivan and Matthew.
"I do not like children." Ivan remarked, "But I believe Matvey would have nice children."
"But that's not happening, eh? Don't worry; I'm sure Alfred and Natalia will have enough children to make up for both you and me not being in the gene pool." Matthew replied morosely. Just the thought of those two trying to repopulate the world was beyond scary. He could just see the blond hair, blue eyed spawns of Alfred and the Wicked Witch of the West running around with hamburgers and knives.
Ivan looped his arm and he did indulge in the fantasy of having children. He stopped after about 3.1 seconds because it was making him sick to his stomach. He was pretty sure the childless life was for him, preferably with Ivan and maybe a fish tank or some potted plants. He could handle that kind of responsibility.