Side Story 8
Alfred thumped his head down and sighed. This being understanding and responsible thing was much harder than it seemed. The librarian glared at him, probably remembering his insistence about the atmosphere book. It wasn't his fault the damn thing didn't exist!
"Sorry for thumping my head too loud!" he cheerfully called out and Lovino narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. Feliciano was nowhere in sight. Even Antonio was suspiciously absent and the library was quiet and empty. Lovino could cut him some slack; it was his brain he was rattling.
He peered back down at the book, making his eyes cross. He liked science and all but this psychology bullshit was just too much. It made his head hurt. How could they victimize some many people with these "harmless" studies? Maybe he should skip the science and look at the religious sector. Who knew this was so complicated? No wonder Mattie was so freaked out about it all. Alfred would be too if it were him.
His eyes skimmed the text lazily and he started to shut the book. The far page caught his eye and he brought his tired eyes into focus.
Oh. My. God.
Alfred bolted up in alarm. No, no, no! No way. It was bad enough his brother was a fruitcake but there was a 75% chance he was too? And he didn't know it? How could he not know he was gay? Wait, calm down, there was still a 25% chance he was a manly man who loved beer and football and beavers… and not the kind of beavers Canadians loved so much. Still… those were bad odds… there was a 75% chance he wasn't who he thought he was and oh my god, mom and dad would have a fit about the grandbabies, and Ivan would be laughing his ass off saying how he called it. And… and… his two best friends were gay! What if he was subconsciously attracted to them? That would be awful. He and Kiku could be in the middle of playing MWF3 and end up getting it on! Or Alfred would be slapped and dumped because Kiku didn't find him attractive. Oh jesus, was he an attractive prospect to gay men?
He slammed his head down again, harder. The resounding thump brought Lovino out from around from behind the counter scowling.
Lovino! He was gay, and he had a fraternal twin! He and Feliciano were fraternal twins, Alfred was pretty sure, even though they looked almost identical except for the scowl/smile give away. Could identical twins have personality defects? Like one twin sucked away all the good personality traits leaving the other grumpy and humorless and prone to fits of outrage?
"Lovino!"
The Italian stopped dead, looking startled. Then he looked nervous. Alfred jumped up maniacally and he retreated hastily towards the security call button he used on Antonio.
"Nonono, wait! You're gay, right? Is Feliciano gay too?"
Lovino's mouth dropped open and he sputtered unintelliable Italian while Alfred waited expectantly.
"I am NOT GAY YOU BASTARD!" At the end of the sentence his pitched reached so high Alfred's eardrums felt like they shattered. He winced, holding his ears, and whined, "Then why are you and Toni going out?"
Lovino's eyes practically bulged out of his head. His voice dropped, "WHO told you that? Did Feli tell you that? I'm going to FUCKING KILL HIM."
"So you are going out!" Alfred laughed. Oh yes, Ivan owed him $20. And his phone had beautiful audio recording so the Russian couldn't back out.
"N-o-o." Lovino moaned, "We are just friends. I help him with the tomatoes and he gives me some as payment. We're business partners, just business partners!"
"Hehe, you said partners."
Alfred almost forgot his own source of discomfort watching the Italian flail around uselessly and he idly noticed he did turn as red as a tomato. That led him to notice how incredibly long and delicate Lovino's eyelashes were, almost like a girl's. Not to mention when his eyes were squeezed shut in irritation, they were a pretty chocolate color. They kind of matched his hair with that crazy curl that made Alfred want to touch it… Alfred realized that he was checking another guy out! And thinking about touching him in a non-manly way!
Lovino finally started to wind down with his hands on his knees, huffing for breath. He was still muttering obscenities under his breath when Feliciano wandered in. A smudge of pasta sauce indicated where he had been. He saw Alfred and broke into a beaming smile, completely unconcerned about his brother's very obvious meltdown. It probably happened so often Feliciano would be concerned if his brother wasn't like that.
"Hi Alfred!"
"Hi Feli! I have a question for you."
"Oh, it's not another science question, is it? I'm not very good at those." Feliciano scrunched up his face with mild disgust.
"Are you gay?"
Lovino, who had finally returned to his normal color, immediately colored up again and started to hyperventilate. Feliciano vacantly thumped his brother on the back while he cocked his head in consideration.
"Well… I don't know. Am I? I think Ludwig is very handsome and Gilbert has beautiful hair. And when we took a shower together, I thought he had a very nice body. He was very long and pale." Feliciano did not elaborate on the 'he' but Alfred figured it was Gilbert, who wasn't that shy about showing off his body. He constantly bragged about his 5 meters, whatever stupid length that was? Alfred wasn't sure. Maybe it was like inches? That wasn't anything to brag about.
Lovino started choking and clutching his head.
"I don't know. I just read this study on twins that said if one twin is gay then the other is probably gay too. Mattie is obviously living in gayland with the big, hairy Russian—" Lovino started turning purple, "Anyway, since Lovino's gay, I wondered if you were too!"
Feliciano's eyes flew open and he wailed, "Lovi's GAY? Why didn't you tell me fratello? That's wonderful! Now you can go out with Toni and stop being so grumpy all the time." Feliciano hugged his unresponsive brother tightly. "Wait until I tell Toni! He'll be soooo happy. He loves you so much. Now you can get married and be happy forever!"
That revived Lovino. He whipped up and pointed a crooked finger at Alfred looking like the Grim Reaper. Alfred squeaked.
"You. Out. NOW!"
Alfred banged the book shut and hastily scrambled out of the library as the Italians went into a very lively discourse of tongue removal and two could keep a secret is one was dead.
Alfred realized Feliciano still hadn't answered him.
This was obviously NOT something he could discuss with Mattie. Nope. But he had two bestest gay friends. Hey, he was the stereotypical guy in some TV show drama.
"Kiku, can I ask you a personal question?"
The small Japanese man froze, the soda he was pouring for his guest overflowing the cup. He pinched his lips together and gave a jerky nod. Alfred ignored it. Kiku got that look anytime he actually had to have real human contact that didn't involve a video game.
"So, um, I don't know how to say this, but, do you have a twin?"
Kiku's thin eyebrow raised.
"Like a secret evil twin?"
A second eyebrow raised to join the first.
"No, I do not." Kiku relaxed slightly.
"Oh no, you ARE the evil one!" Alfred accused suddenly and watched Kiku jump. He gave a smile and slapped the shell-shocked man on the back. "Just kidding." Kiku gave a huge sigh and tried to take a sip of his tea, "So, does gay sex feel good or something?"
Alfred was not expecting to be sprayed in the face. He blinked and wiped his face. Why was everyone having such a heart attack? Didn't they know he was cool with it? Couldn't he be curious? It's not like he asked if Kiku had some weird kink where he dressed in school girl outfits (he did; Alfred saw it on his computer) or suggested he dress Arthur in a unicorn suit with a dildo horn. Sheesh, it was a simple question.
Kiku turned, face red, and said quietly, "That is not an appropriate question, Jones-san."
Uh-oh, the dreaded formal speech had come back. Alfred had fucked it up big. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. This was going to require a lot of Taco Bell to make it up to Kiku.
"I told ya it was going to be personal!" Alfred protested. "Never mind, sorry I asked. How about this? When did you figure out you were gay?"
Kiku straightened his back and readjusted his feet under him. He fussed with the tea cup aimlessly for a few minutes. Alfred clamped his lips together. Getting increasingly uncomfortable, he was about to say forget it all just as Kiku spoke.
"When I was 14."
Alfred waited.
And waited.
"…Uh, dude, you're making a tea tsunami."
Kiku blinked and stared down at the tea pot he'd picked up and was currently dumping out.
And once again Alfred found himself on the other side of the door.
He didn't get it! It was a simple question.
So he went to Arthur. Arthur wouldn't let him down. Arthur was his bestest best-bud ever. Arthur never held his punches. Arthur never kicked him out, even when he deserve it and was puking all over Arthur's shoes in the closet.
He really wasn't expecting to practically have his nose broken by an embarrassed Brit slamming the door in his face. He didn't even get to say anything! Plus, he heard Francis, so it's not like he wasn't asking about something Arthur didn't know about!
Prick.
Matthew braced himself for his whirlwind of a brother. He wasn't sure what exactly had gotten Alfred riled up this time, but he was quite sure that it would be coming his way soon enough if the outraged texts were anything to go by. And if Alfred was going out of his way to irritate the Italians, he must be more fired up than usual.
It was really hard to brace for anything when his boyfriend was currently pawing all over him, pressing chapped lips and a big nose into soft creases making Matthew giggle and swat him away.
"Behave." He hissed uselessly and pushed Ivan back with his palm, "I'm trying to watch for Alfred."
Ivan shrugged and tugged on Matthew's ears with his teeth gently, "I think Matvey is using the wrong sense. You should use your ears instead; you will be better warned."
Good advice, although at that point Matthew wasn't really thinking about Alfred anymore.
"MATTIE!"
Matthew practically bit off Ivan's tongue as he jumped in surprise. Why was Alfred so loud? Seriously, his voicebox was a crime against nature. It was like he evolved to live in the jungle like some kind of burger-guzzling, fashion-conscious Tarzan.
Matthew turned to look at his brother, who was standing in the door with a weird look on his face. Well, it wasn't like this was anything new to him. He'd walked in on far, far worse, and it was totally his fault for coming home early and not knocking and for generally being an unobservant ass. And Matthew was NOT going to apologize OR pay for therapy so Al could flirt with the shrink.
Al glanced at them, then downward, then at them, then downward. With each lap, his face screwed up into a more frightening expression. Matthew slid off Ivan's lap, while the other made a pouty huff, and looked at his brother wondering if he had some kind of illness. He followed Al's gaze and turned bright red.
"Pervert."
"Nuh-uh, nuthins cooking down there," Alfred sighed in what sounded like relief. He made a grab and an adjustment in his too-tight cowboy jeans (his latest obsession when he learned Natalia was taking dressage – he didn't seem to understand the different between that and rodeo). Matthew looked away but Ivan smiled, "It has been said that tight clothing and Mountain Dew leads to impotency. Alas, for the sake of the gene pool, it is for the better, da?"
"I have plenty of – impiety!" Matthew covered up a snort. Alfred's slip was dead-on. "Don't diss my manhood, man. I'm not the girl."
Ivan's face clouded over a bit at the threat to his own manhood. He started chuckling under his breath but Alfred didn't notice. He wandered over to the fridge and bent down to dig in it, his unnaturally obnoxious voice filling the kitchen.
"Seriously, what's so great about gay sex? Is there some kind of conspiracy against the straightmaybegay guy?" Alfred complained and Ivan's aura turned a little darker. Matthew just sighed and tried to finish the ham sandwich he was eating before Ivan interrupted him with delicious kisses and wandering fingers and DAMMIT Al. No wonder Arthur slammed the door in his face; he was such a cockblock!
"I mean, it all sounds kinda sick. Really, I don't see the appeal of a big, hairy dick up your a-." Alfred yelped as the back of his bomber jacket was grabbed and he ended up hefted against the wall. He struck out with his heels and twisted in the leather's embrace, but Ivan was practiced enough to know just how to scruff him like a wayward cat. Alfred hissed just like one too, "Mat-tie, Ivan's bullying me again! Yo, commie, put me down."
Matthew sighed and took another bite wishing he had put more mustard in the sandwich. It was a little bland. Oh, and pickles. He really wanted some pickles.
Instead of letting fists fly, the usual outcome to this sort of confrontation, Ivan pushed Alfred up against the wall with his whole body and kissed him. Matthew's ham sandwich took a dive back towards his plate and he jumped up.
Alfred, for once, was silent, his eyes wide with shock. Ivan was grinning and humming with delight.
"Oh my god, I felt a spark, did you feel a spark, I can't believe there was a spark, oh god oh god." Alfred started babbling. Ivan just grinned wider and ground forward making Alfred scream like he was being murdered.
"Ivan!"
Ivan ungracefully dropped Alfred in a wailing heap on the ground and turned with a concerned look on his face. Matthew tried to unclench his fists (and willed himself not to kick the still screaming Alfred huddled in devastation in the corner).
"Alfred is very stupid. He must do something to learn; he does not listen."
Matthew opened his mouth to retort when Ivan's words rang in his head. He would deal with THAT particular issue later. First things first, he had to get Alfred out before Ivan decided that he needed the whole, authentic experience.
"You, out in the living room." Ivan frowned and bunched his eyebrows mutinously but did as he was commanded, "You, get up off the floor."
"It was a spark! I only feel sparks with girls! I can't be gay!" Alfred hunched up and Matthew did try to kick him. Then he hopped away on one foot and scowled. He fished out his cell phone and scrolled down to the F's. Alfred did learn best with hands-on encounters. For some reason the God of Women seemed to think he was gay. What a dumbass. Matthew was sure that he had inadvertently hogged all the common sense in the womb; there was no other explanation for why Alfred was such a clueless disaster.
"Bonjour," Francis thrilled and Matthew strained to hear if there was any noise in the background. Francis had a bad habit of answering his cell during sex. Matthew had told him it was extremely unattractive, but he said he had to for work. When confront about the fact he didn't have a job, he replied that spreading love and self-esteem was the highest, most endless calling possible. Far more rewarding than mere money. "How may I service you?"
Even though he should have been expecting it, Matthew choked, "Don't you mean, how may I be of service to you?"
"That's what I said, mon cher." The French man chuckled smoothly and Matthew heard the lighter click. Well, at least he called after the other finished. Francis had a bad habit of smoking after all his other bad habits were complete.
"Come and get Alfred. He thinks he's gay."
There was a long pause on the other end of the phone and then uproarious laughter, "Didn't my petit lapin inform him that he is straighter than a honeymoon dick?"
"You know Alfred; he doesn't listen to reason." Or violence apparently going by Arthur's text. And Matthew wasn't going to ask what that was; he just wasn't going to ask. "Can't you do something with him? Dump him in a strip club or something."
Francis chuckled deeply, "Non, I think your solution is much simpler for the matters of Alfred's heart."
What in the – oh. OH. Oh no.
"Just call her up and explain that dear Alfred needs to make sweet, sweet love to her to confirm his masculinity."
Yeah, he would just call Natalia and tell her that. Then he could kiss his own manhood good-bye while he was at it. Um, no.
"On second thought, I'll just duct tape him out of Ivan's reach and feed him hamburger shakes. But thank you for your suggestions Francis…"
Matthew went around the still noisy kitchen and slouched into the living room. On the one hand, he felt like he should scold Ivan and let his low self-esteem reign fury. On the other hand, he felt a lot more secure in their relationship and given Ivan's love of tormenting Alfred, it really could have been harmless (malicious but benign) play.
Ivan was seated on the couch fiddling with his scarf ends. When Matthew entered he started guiltily and gave his little boy smile. The kind Alfred gave their mother right before he pointed at Matthew. Matthew frowned back and the smile faded into the same worried luck as before.
"I apologize, Matvey."
Matthew wasn't letting him off that easily. He crossed a line today. And good lord, if Alfred wasn't giving him a head ache with all the caterwauling.
"For?"
Ivan blinked warily.
"Ivan, I know you like to play, but you kissing Alfred and pretending to rape him really hurt me." Matthew swallowed around the lump in his throat. He was mature. He was going to tell Ivan, without getting mad, jealous or weepy, what the problem was. Francis would be so proud. Well, actually, he could hear the French pervert insisting that Ivan give Matthew an apology of the physical kind to seal the grievance. Matthew wasn't sure he was mature enough to taste the burger breath on Ivan's lips. "And… and… please don't do it." He was not going to cry, dammit, no matter how much his feelings were hurt and despite the fact that it was going to replay on his closed eyelids all night.
Ivan sat frozen.
Alfred had stopped keening and was raiding the fridge. He banged around noisily in the kitchen probably completely over the incident. He was disgusting like that. His mood swings rivaled that of a Tasmanian devil going through menopause. He poured all of his feelings out at once and then skipped away merrily like nothing had ever happened. Kind of like that honey badger on youtube. Alfred don't care; Alfred is bad ass.
"That's… that's it." Matthew whispered. If he expected Ivan to come swooping down and engulfing him in hug he'd been watching too many stupid chick flicks with Gilbert. He wasn't really sure if he wanted to punch Ivan, Alfred, or just go find his new hockey stick… to use on the puck. Yeah, the puck. Because violence and jealousy weren't healthy in a relationship. And hospitals tended to ask dangerous questions. Then hospitals tended to speak to the nice police officers.
"Anyway, brace yourself. I am calling Natalia and invited her over."
That seemed to wake Ivan up. His violet eyes darted around nervously and Matthew could see him formulating his escape. No way. No way was he escaping when he instigated this mess. Matthew saw him rubbing static electricity into his scarf, don't think he didn't! Only Alfred, the SCIENCE major, would be dumb enough to think that was a spark of attraction.
"Don't you move Ivan; I'm serious. You got him all worked up." Matthew warned. Ivan pointed to the banging in the kitchen, "Alfred is… tough. He has recovered, da? There is no need for Natalia!" His voice rose two octaves higher than any male's voice had a right to go.
"Fine then, but you're not going to be coming back in until Alfred gets over this weird phase. I can't trust you."
Matthew didn't even look at Ivan as he said it. He felt simultaneously proud and nauseated at the fact that he just calmly laid it all out of the table. He was done being an emotional coward about it. Ivan had to learn that his actions hurt other people, and Matthew had to teach him, otherwise this wouldn't work in the long run.
"Matvey…"
"I'm going to finish my sandwich." As if, his stomach was so rebellious he couldn't eat a bite between Natalia and Ivan, "And speak to my stupid brother. Don't bother to lock the door on the way out. I'll text you when this gets sorted out."
Matthew felt a weigh come off. He'd done it. He'd taken charge and said what needed to be said. And to quote Gilbert, it was awesome. He could always curl into a ball in his empty bedroom and cry later if he needed to. But tougher-than-steel man was a new man in the eyes of the public, and he liked it, liked it a lot.
Alfred was morosely poking something out of a Tupperware container. He smiled at Matthew with his kicked dog smile, "I think Arthur's mad at me. And Kiku too. Well, and Romano, but that was so funny! The rumors are going to be all over the school Monday."
"You need to apologize to them." Matthew sighed. Between Alfred and Ivan he seemed to be the only one who could function in society, "Whatever you said, it wasn't appropriate."
"It's not like their dirty laundry isn't aired all over." Alfred waved Matthew's chiding away, "I just wanna know how it feels to be gay."
"No you don't."
Alfred poked the food again, "No, not really. I don't WANT to be gay either. You got it tough, lil bro. Can't say as I'm jealous." He was silent for another moment, "But you've got me; I'll be your hero. And you've got the douchebag eavesdropping at the door. Freakin' lip molester… Christmas wasn't enough for you, was it? We'll be here for ya, bro, so don't worry, okay?"
That… that was quite possibly one of the most moving speeches Alfred had made… recently. Matthew waited for him to open his mouth and ruin it. Instead he shoved some mushy rice into his mouth and smacked slowly, still muttering about perverts and sexual assaults.
Matthew couldn't hold back a smile. He gave Alfred a big hug, which his brother eagerly reciprocated. Alfred ruffled his hair then shoved him away to continue eating. Pig.
The doorbell rang but before Matthew could go get it (let it be a surprise for his gross brother to be seen inhaling food like a hyena) he heard the door open. He could faintly hear Ivan's voice and Natalia's. Inching closer, he listened.
"…look well."
"Life in America suits me, I believe." Natalia responded coolly, "It seems Alfred has a problem?"
Ivan chuckled darkly, no doubt blaming the blond for his current predicament and planning revenge, "Alfred is a problem."
Natalia responded sharply in Russian and Ivan let out a small laugh. The voices were coming closer; it was a small apartment after all, even smaller since Ivan had practically moved in with them. Their conversation was in Russian, but it seemed natural. Ivan wasn't cowering and Natalia wasn't obsessing. Matthew wondered how long it had been since they had been in the same room and comfortable around each other. Alfred was really amazing sometimes.
He slipped out of the kitchen. Natalia could figure out what to do with his crazy brother. Al was 100% her problem now. Although he hoped they wouldn't go at it on the table. That was NOT comfortable not matter how hot and kinky the idea of it was. Then again, he supposed Alfred was strong enough to make other posit—oh my god, no, mental bleach. Matthew did not need to have that in his head. It burned!
He was so busy trying to rub the image out of his eyelids (not very effective, since it was created by his brain in the first place), he didn't know Ivan was there until he bumped into him. Two heavy hands crashed down on his shoulders and dragged him into a crushing hug. Ivan's noise was buried in his hair and the he swayed slightly, pulling Matthew along with him, partly on his tip toes. The two just hung there like that in silence for a moment.
"Alfred was correct."
Well, this was a first. Ivan admitting Alfred was right? Hell was freezing over. Right about what?
"Matvey is a very tough cookie." Matthew almost giggled at the phrase wondering where Ivan picked it up. Probably some children's show. "And Matvey is very good and nice and happy… with me? To me? I am unsure of the words, I apologize. Matvey is with me, and I will be with him."
Matthew just sighed at how weak his knees had gotten. It wasn't an apology, but he'd take it just the same.
"My behavior was… very bad. I do not wish to hurt Matvey." Lips were pressed to his head and the arms around him squeezed a little tighter, "Alfred is, how do you say? A target. Resisting is difficult. I am sorry Matvey."
Matthew tilted his head back until their faces met. Matthew whispered against Ivan's lips, "Apology accepted."
A/N: Not well-executed, but the idea had to be written. Got to love the use of random statistics documentaries use, which was the original inspiration. The only reference I could find on this was the "Gay gene gap" twin studies, where "… found 52 percent of identical twin brothers of gay men also were gay, compared with 22 percent of fraternal twins, compared with 11 percent of genetically unrelated (adopted) brothers." I don't think Al has to worry too much.
As an aside, I wanted to beat him for hijacking the story and managed to bring it back around to Matthew. Because Al is a drama queen and an attention hog (and entirely too fun to write).