WARNING: Vagus reference to suicide/drugs/sexual assault.
Author's note: This is a piece of fiction. I have no expert knowledge of drugs.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
He's on what he can only assume is suicide watch. His mom has threatened to move into his room and sleep on the floor beside his bed, which is humiliating. He hadn't seriously been thinking about it, but he had wondered. He's lying in bed now, wide awake and unable to sleep. It's late, definitely past midnight, but his door is open (it'll be taken off the hinges if he closes it) and his mom keeps coming to stand outside, quietly, as if to check he's still breathing. He'd snapped at her the last time, telling her he was still alive and she'd snapped back, telling him she's sorry for caring before bursting into tears again.
She's emptied the house of alcohol. And all prescription medication. He doesn't even know if there's even any Tylenol anymore. He'd seen her eyeing the knife block and had felt so guilty. He hadn't meant to worry her. Worry anyone. And despite his reassurances that he's not going to do anything stupid or desperate it hasn't taken the fear from her eyes. He feels terrible, but not as bad as last night. Which makes him feel worse in a different way.
He still can't remember what has happened, but his mom has filled him in. The fact that she'd had to go to Kurt to find out where he was… that Karofsky was there as well was pure coincidence. He knows details now, and they horrify him. Kurt screaming at him in a hallway filled with their peers about what he'd done had told him… his mom sitting down and quietly, clinically informing him of what exactly happened has made it real. He knows now. It's numbing. Although he's also relieved, because while what he's done is disgusting and wrong, it's not as bad as he'd first feared.
There's a whole other level of guilt when he thinks that. It's still bad. He's still hurt the guy he loves, hurt him so badly that a simple apology isn't ever going to be enough. He wants to make things right, but has no idea how, or even where to start. Except Kurt has told him to leave him alone and he can't exactly make things right with him if he won't ever see him again. Except he's not going to seek Kurt out to apologize, not when his mere presence upsets him. He wants to upset Kurt as little as possible, although the thought of never seeing him again is actually physically painful.
He somehow manages to sleep, although he feels gritty-eyed when he wakes, even worse than the night before. His mom has cancelled whatever meetings she has today, and he has no idea how things are going to return to normal. He'd transferred to McKinley to be with Kurt, and he doesn't want to go back to Dalton. Not with Sebastian there. He wonders if he could go to school with Dave. He'd kind of enjoyed hanging out with him yesterday, although he's pretty sure Dave doesn't like him for whatever strange reason. He'd liked Dave's stepmom too, and the babies. It had been a good distraction, talking to someone who had just taken him at face value. Refreshing.
His mom is on the phone, sounding angry. At least her anger isn't directed at him this time, although he can't figure her out right now, swinging between over-protective concern and anger. Nothing in his life makes sense anymore. He knows it's only temporary. Hopes it's only temporary, but figures he's going to have some changes coming up in his life that he's going to have very little say in. On top of what he's done to Kurt it's even more depressing.
He's brought out of his musings by his phone, and he can't help the tiny little spark of hope that maybe it's Kurt. It isn't, and he doesn't even know if he wants to answer. Sebastian. He accepts the call with reluctance. He doesn't even warrant a hello, Sebastian just launches in to conversation.
"Thanks for ratting me out. I got suspended. I thought we were cool man… My parents are so pissed."
"Sebastian - " He can't do this, not talk and remain civil. He's tempted just to hang up on him except knows that will just irritate Sebastian further and he'll continue ringing back. He could turn his phone off, except Sebastian sounds pissed enough to probably drive to his place to vent his anger at him. It should be in reverse. He should be the one venting at Sebastian. This is all his fault.
"Yeah. What's the deal man? What'd you spill for?"
"You drugged me. You spiked my drinks." His voice cracks, because he feels like an idiot, trusting Sebastian. He's not a stranger, but he's not exactly a close friend. Especially now. He can feel his temper twisting inside him, building up like a tsunami.
"Fuck. You're crying over that?"
The words flood out of him then.
"Excuse me if I don't shed fucking tears over poor little Sebastian getting suspended. You want to know why I'm upset? Because while drugged I tried to rape Kurt, so you can just -"
"Wait. What? Really? That's intense..."
"Intense? Fuck you Sebastian."
He hangs up on him. He doesn't normally swear, doesn't like the feel or sentiment of the words in his mouth. Right now though he's so angry at the world, at Sebastian in particular, that he wants to scream that one word over and over again at the top of his lungs. And punch things repeatedly. Preferably things with Sebastian's face taped to it. He storms through the house, slams his bedroom door so hard it bounces and he can't bring himself to care about any of it. He stomps into the kitchen to find his mom staring at her phone with an equal look of distaste. He wants to ask what's wrong, but fully expects his head to be bitten off. She'll tell him if it's important, or if it pertains to him.
"A week. All they found were prescription drugs, not his, but nothing illegal. A weeks suspension."
Huh. She's pissed at Sebastian too. Or at Dalton's decision. Both maybe? He shrugs, his anger draining away as quickly as it had appeared. He can't bring himself to care. Not about Sebastian anyway. It's not going to change anything. He wishes he could go back in time and change everything that night. Pay more attention to Kurt, not drink anything but water so that any odd taste would be more easily recognizable, not try and continually impress Sebastian.
His mom is talking, telling him Sebastian gave him something called a triple-v cocktail, a mixture of Vicodin, Valium and Viagra. Drugs Sebastian had apparently obtained from home and stashed away, but were found in a raid on his room. They raid early, before dawn, when everyone is still asleep so no one knows what's going on, except everyone knows by breakfast anyway. He's never been raided before. Never needed to be, because up until a week ago he was a model student, regardless of the school he was attending. Now his attendance record will be in pieces, and if he transfers away from McKinley it will be to his fourth high school in as many years.
He feels depressed by the thoughts, but reminds himself that he deserves it. He needs to be out of Kurt's life, and removing himself from McKinley is the first step in that process.