CHAPTER NINETEEN
He keeps it to himself for a little while, holding this last tiny little piece of Kurt to himself before he shows it to his mom on Saturday night. She hugs him tight, kisses the top of his head and asks him if he really wants to go back to McKinley. He nods silently. If Kurt can deal with him there, is strong enough and brave enough, then he can be nothing less. And as selfish as it seems, he wants to see Kurt, see that he is okay. He won't be able to hold his hand or kiss him or probably even smile at him, but he'll be able to tell if Kurt is okay.
He spends all of Sunday doing homework. Catching up on readings and assignments, throwing himself in to his school work. Now that he knows he's going to remain at McKinley he's going to make the most of it. He's smart, managed to get into a couple of AP classes due to the accelerated level of learning at Dalton, and he's going to focus on that and glee club. He freezes, suddenly sick to his stomach all over again. He can't give up glee club. Not that and Kurt as well. He really wants to e-mail Kurt and ask but he wants to respect the boundaries Kurt's put in place.
He knows he needs music. It's one of his ways of coping, but… surely Kurt would have said something if he expected Blaine to give up glee club? Maybe Kurt was going to give up glee club? He hates that idea; Kurt has a beautiful voice, and loves singing just as much as he does. He doesn't know what to think and he supposes he's just going to have to wait and see. Then he realizes something else, something he hadn't considered before either, and that's how the rest of the club will react when they find out. Oh god. He knows that Kurt hadn't told anyone last week, but he doubts that's true now, and Kurt screaming at him in the hallway means that the entire school probably knows. It's going to be hell tomorrow.
The therapy appointment he doesn't really want or believes he needs is first thing Monday morning. It means a morning of missed school, and he doesn't say much, giving the bare amount of information. The counselor talks about trust and growth and emotions. That he's allowed to feel angry. And guilty. Everything he's been feeling has been normal. He knows all this already, he's not an idiot, but there's one thing she said that continues to repeat over in his head 'You need to grieve. The main thing you need to grieve for is your relationship with your boyfriend that's now over.' He hadn't thought of it like that before, but realizes that's what he's upset the most about, after hurting Kurt, is that his first relationship is over, and in such a way that it has tarnished whatever good there was.
When he gets to school he goes straight to class. He's still a bit worried about what Kurt has told everyone. No one's coming at him with knives from the cafeteria so that's something at least. He gets the evils from Santana, but that's normal, although she does look slightly more intimidating than normal he could be imagining it, and he feels a bit paranoid.
He's on his way to his next class when he sees him, back turned, and as always he looks stunning. He can't really remember what Kurt was wearing last week when they'd had their confrontation in the hallway, but this Kurt seems more balanced. He's wearing tight dark-blue jeans that almost appear black but he knows Kurt would never wear the striped blue shirt with black pants. He's accessorized with a sky-blue scarf that he knows will just make Kurt's eyes pop, and his hair is carefully styled to look carelessly messy. Gorgeous.
When Kurt turns around he has his arm looped through Mercedes, and his head is tilted toward her, and she's laughing at something he's said. He's smiling, looking… happy, and it's almost physically painful. Kurt catches him looking and the smile drops from his face instantly and that is physically painful, like a kick to the chest, and more hurtful than any words Kurt could have said. Kurt nods at him, lips tight, and then puts his shoulders back and Blaine can see him take a deep breath in. He smiles a small tiny smile and nods back, and he has to smile because he feels like crying again, but if Kurt can pull himself through this then he can too. He'll be okay.
He'll be okay.