A/N: Being without internet for an entire week meant I had a lot of time to write. Because of this, I actually have seventeen chapters of this written, and I am in the middle of the eighteenth. (I don't even know if I can really call them chapters, as I haven't really written one over 3500 words.) Anyway, this means they'll be coming in rather frequently, I think. I was going to wait and just post one every week, but that seems too long if I've already gotten them all written up, don't you think? So why don't you tell me how often you'd like to see them come out?
He picked up on it again the next night, going through the rest of Taylor Swift's songs to see which ones were the most relevant to how he felt. He still hated her. He felt like she'd crawled into his brain and wrote songs based on his own feelings. They all hit too close to home, and he kind of wanted to punch her for making him feel like this.
The next song he'd added to his playlist – which he had named "The Way I Loved You" – was the piano version of Forever & Always. He had grabbed a notebook and started writing down the lines from each song that jumped out at him, the ones that hit so close to home it made him want to cry. The ones that evoked some kind of memory or full-blown emotions. It was bad enough that he'd chosen the piano version of this song, rather than the band version. For some reason, it just made the song that much sadder.
I hold on to the night
You looked me in the eye
And told me you loved me
Kurt's first thought was the very time that Dave first said those words to him. They hadn't even been together. Not yet, anyway. Kurt wondered for a moment if he should let himself go there. If he should let himself remember that. But hell, he was already going down memory lane anyway, so he might as well.
It was the week following his dad and Carole's wedding. He'd somehow convinced his dad to let him stay at McKinley, which hadn't been easy at all. Finn had helped him, telling his dad that he and the other Glee boys would make sure that Kurt was never alone, and that Karofsky would never even be able to get near Kurt.
Kurt had broken this whole promise, though. It hadn't been easy, because Finn, Puck, and Sam had been tailing him all around school for the first few days. He felt smothered, and he needed time to himself. But he also needed time with Karofsky, because he needed to talk to him. He wasn't sure what was compelling him to talk to him, why he felt he needed to so badly. He'd been trying to work up the courage, but Karofsky hadn't made that easy on him. Kurt was terrified of him. There was no telling what Karofsky was going to do.
But he had to know what that kiss was about.
He'd managed to shake Sam off during lunch, telling him that he was going to the library. Sam had escorted him to the library, which made Kurt want to roll his eyes, but he'd gone with it anyway. He'd waited until Sam was on his way back to the cafeteria and out of sight before he'd left the library and headed for the locker room. He knew this was where he'd find Karofsky, because he'd watched him go in there every day at lunch time. He was sure that he was mostly doing it to avoid Kurt.
Kurt had been expecting Karofsky to be lifting weights or punching something, but he hadn't really been expecting Karofsky to actually be eating lunch. Definitely not in the locker room, which would make even Finn lose his appetite. Now he definitely knew that Karofsky was avoiding him, which became even more evident when Karofsky looked up at him like a deer in headlights.
"What do you want Hummel?"
"To talk." Kurt had said simply. Quietly.
"I don't want to talk to you. And you don't want to talk to me. You wanted me to stay away, remember?" Karofsky asked, glaring up at him. Kurt blinked. Under normal circumstances, he might be a little terrified of that glare, but right now, he was kind of shocked by the words.
"Since when do you listen?" Kurt asked, crossing his arms.
"Since I got expelled, dumbass." Karofsky rolled his eyes, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Kurt kind of wanted to say something about being called a dumbass, but it wasn't an insult directed at him for being gay, so he decided he'd just go ahead and take it.
"Fair enough," Kurt said, leaning up against a row of lockers. His courage was beginning to ebb, and his knees were going weak. He needed some kind of support before they completely buckled and he fell. This was such a stupid idea, and he couldn't believe he was doing this. He was alone in an empty locker room with the person he feared the most. What had he been thinking?
"If you're gonna talk, then talk." Karofsky finally said, and for the first time Kurt noticed that he was just as nervous. Kurt wasn't sure how to take this. It gave him a bit more confidence, but also took some away because making Karofsky feel cornered and caged was what had led to that kiss in the first place. They were back at square one, once again.
"Why did you kiss me?" Kurt blurted. Karofsky's eyes widened, and Kurt wanted to take it back. Just grab his words and make them disappear. He had more tact than that, and it was silly to just ask a stupid question out loud like that. He didn't see anyone, but what if someone else was in here? Karofsky would kill him for sure.
"I thought it was obvious, stupid." Karofsky said, looking away from Kurt. That. That right there was the reason Kurt thought it meant more than just a way to show Kurt that he was gay. That and when Karofsky had gone in for a second kiss, plus his anger when Kurt had pushed him away. Kurt hadn't handled that right at all, but he was caught off-guard and he was terrified.
"You're gay. I got that." Kurt said quietly, sitting at the end of the bench because yeah, his courage was definitely gone and he had no idea how he was still in here. His body was telling him to flee, but his mind told him that he had to stay. He imagined that was the stubborn Hummel blood in him.
"I don't know if I'm gay," Karofsky said quickly, his voice strained. Kurt just nodded, biting his lip.
"Okay..." He said, trying to think of where to go with this. "Did you like it?"
"What?" Karofsky asked, dumbstruck.
"When you kissed me. Did you like it?" Kurt asked. He was pretty sure he knew that answer, because if Karofsky hadn't, he wouldn't have gone in for that second kiss, but he was going to work through it with him because he remembered being in Karofsky's position, and it wasn't an easy thing to come to terms with.
"I... w-well..." Karofsky faltered, his eyebrows drawing together in confusion as he thought back to that particular event. He let out a small sigh before saying, "Yeah."
"Have you ever kissed a girl?" Kurt asked and oh god, he was diving into really personal territory here, but it was to help him. Part of Kurt was really curious, but the other part told him it was strictly to help.
"Yeah."
"Did you like it?"
"Not really. Did you kiss Brittany?" Karofsky asked and it was Kurt's turn to be shocked. He had almost forgotten about that whole ordeal, and he hadn't realized that Karofsky had known about it. Of course, how could you not notice how ridiculous Kurt had looked trying to dress like that? Even weirder was that he was strutting around the school with Brittany Pierce on his arm.
"Yeah. Yeah, I did." Kurt answered, looking at Karofsky.
"Did you like it?" Karofsky asked, and Kurt shook his head. Karofsky nodded and said, "Maybe I'm gay, then."
"So that's why you kissed me? To see if you were gay?" Kurt asked.
"Kind of." Karofsky answered, looking away from Kurt again. The shifty eyes. There was more to it than that, Kurt knew. Part of him wanted to know, the other part didn't. The part of him that did won out.
"There was another reason?" Kurt asked. Karofsky didn't look back at him, but Kurt could see that he was thinking hard about whatever it was. Trying to decide whether or not he was going to tell Kurt. "I know this probably sounds really ridiculous, considering... but you can talk to me. And you can trust me. Which you might not believe. But I promise you that no one other than Blaine knows about the kiss, and I'm not even going to tell him about this conversation."
"Why not?" Karofsky asked, looking at Kurt now.
"I told him because I didn't know how to handle it, and he's kind of like a mentor to me," Kurt shrugged. "I wasn't really trying to understand before. I was just trying to pass off the responsibility of it all to someone else who had more experience. But I don't want to do that now. I want to understand."
Karofsky studied Kurt for what was really only a couple of minutes but felt like a lifetime. Kurt didn't know what he was looking for, but whatever it was, he must have found it because he finally said, "I kissed you because I think I'm in love with you."
Kurt wasn't sure what to say. His mind just seemed to go completely blank as he stared back at Karofsky. He had no idea if he should be upset, if he should be freaked out... he just didn't know. And oh god, what was he supposed to say now? But it didn't matter, because the bell was ringing and people were going to be in here soon.
"You better get going." Karofsky said quietly.
"I-I.. yeah." Kurt said, his voice finally working again. "See you."
"Bye, Kurt."
It later occurred to Kurt that was the first time Dave had ever called him Kurt. Not Hummel. Not something degrading. He'd called him by his name, and that's why Kurt believed that Dave was telling the truth that day. It had taken him a long time to wrap his mind around the idea that David Karofsky might be in love with him. He'd spent most of high school doing all these awful things to him, and he was in love with him? Maybe it was that stupid childish way of picking on someone that you liked, but no... Dave had taken it so much further than that. It was a lot more than that, and Kurt hadn't been sure at the time that he could ever really understand why Dave had lashed out at him the way he had, but later on down the road, he did.
I stare at the phone
He still hasn't called
And then you feel so low
You can't feel nothing at all
Kurt snapped back to the present, the words almost mocking him. For weeks after their break-up, he'd done nothing but sit by the phone and wait for Dave to call. He'd also tried to call Dave, but Dave never picked up. It had never been that way before. The tables had been completely turned, and he didn't know how to deal with it. What did Dave do when he'd acted like that? Kurt smiled. He'd apologized and then bombarded him with stupid little notes that were so cheesey and of course, the chocolates. Kurt had sent Dave the butterscotch candies that he knew were his favorite, but they'd been returned, and somehow, that had hurt worse than if Dave had just kept them and ignored him.
It rains in your bedroom
Everything is wrong
It rains when he's here
And it rains when he's gone
And that was basically their relationship. He couldn't live with Dave, but he couldn't live without him, either. He couldn't call it a love/hate relationship because he'd never actually hated Dave, but there were times when he definitely just wanted to hit him. Not that it would have made much of a dent, seeing as Dave was so much stronger than him.
So here's to everything
Coming down to nothing
Here's to silence
It cuts me to the core
Kurt didn't like to think that everything they've been through, the bad and the good, meant nothing anymore. He wanted to believe that they had changed each other. He used to tell Dave that their lives were so intertwined now that he couldn't imagine ever not being a part of each others lives. He remembered saying that even if they should break up, he couldn't see them not being friends, at least. Kurt was wrong about a lot of things, and he hated admitting that, but this was one thing he swore he'd never be wrong about. It turns out he was, though. He couldn't see it any other way at this point, because Dave had completely shoved him out of his life. He wished so often that they could at least say hello to each other, but Dave wouldn't even give him that. He wouldn't give him anything. Most days, Kurt felt like he had never even existed to Dave. It killed him.
Back up, baby back up
Did you forget everything?
Back up, baby back up
Did you forget everything?
Back up, baby back up
Please back up
Kurt was hit with a wave of emotions so overwhelming that it wrenched a sob from deep inside his chest. He hadn't even realized he was crying, but now he could feel the tears on his cheeks, taste them on his lips. He curled up in a ball on his bed, his laptop laying next to him as he listened to the song on repeat.