Hfasdve ad nide fickaseig whasditse casdhirmas Kurt.
What the hell was that supposed to say? Kurt shook his head. He'd spent much too long trying to figure it out already. He'd told himself that he wasn't going to open up the email. He hadn't even expected to get one back, as Dave hadn't ever answered him back since they had broken up. But here was this email from Dave with some fucking indecipherable message, and what the hell was he supposed to do with that? Dave had also attached a song, though, much to Kurt's surprise. Whatever it was, it was untitled. Kurt told himself it was a bad idea to open it. His instincts said no, so he closed out of his email and went about doing other things. Christmas songs would be taking over Glee club soon enough, as winter break was almost upon them. He really needed to decide what he was going to sing. He had been considering singing something with Blaine, but he wasn't sure yet.
"Knock knock." He'd know that voice anywhere, he thought as he turned around with a broad smile. None other than Santana Lopez stood in his doorway, and she was grinning at him as well. Kurt was still having trouble trying to fathom this very close friendship that they'd developed, but at the same time, he welcomed it. He had realized that he had few friends that he was as close to.
"Well, well. The devil herself."
"Oh shut it." Santana rolled her eyes as she came up behind him. He didn't realize that he'd pulled his email back up, but she apparently did, gasping at Dave's name in his inbox. "Dave emailed you?"
"Shit." Kurt muttered. "Yeah, but only because I emailed him first."
Santana quirked an eyebrow before taking a seat on his lap as she went into his sent mail to pull it up. Kurt wanted to groan out loud, but it would do no good. Santana had her mind set on this. She would get it one way or another. Might as well just let her, rather than fight with her forever only to lose.
"Wow."
"Yeah."
"This how you really feel?"
"Yeah."
"So you're really over him, huh?"
"Yeah."
"I see," She said as she went back into his inbox and pulled up the email that Dave had sent back. "This makes no fucking sense."
"Unless you speak gibberish?"
"Drunken gibberish at that," Santana muttered. She laughed a little as a thought occurred to her and upon seeing Kurt's quizzical stare, she said, "I was just thinking that I wouldn't be surprised if Brittany somehow understood this shit."
"Oh god," Kurt laughed, shaking his head. "Her mind works in ways we will never understand."
"Well, maybe the song will give us some clue. Or have you already listened to it?" Santana asked, the mouse hovering over the attached song.
"I haven't. I wasn't planning on it, but my curiosity is peaked."
"Mine too. And I'm going to play it." Santana told him, double-clicking on it. They waited while the song finally came up in Windows Media Player. Kurt let out a little gasp as it started to play. He knew that song, and by Santana's expression, she knew it, too. It didn't bode well for Kurt, as it was incredibly depressing and so very insightful.
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
So Kurt had his answer. This had killed – or was killing, it seemed – Dave just as much as it had killed him. Santana leaned back against Kurt, tilting her head back to rest on his shoulder with her eyes closed as she listened to the song. Kurt imagined that her thoughts were probably much like his. Maybe, anyway. He didn't really understand why, but Santana seemed to push pretty hard for him and Dave to get back together. Of course, he knew that they wouldn't, but she didn't give up hope and that confused him so much. There was nothing she would gain from it, so he just didn't understand why she was putting so much into it.
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
Kurt had to push aside the image of cockroaches crawling around in someone's head before he could process the message. He just found them incredibly disgusting, and if he just thought about how it was metaphorical, he could get around it to think about the fact that Dave meant this to say that he still thought about him, replayed memories. Just as Kurt had been doing these past couple of months. Oh god, it'd been October when he'd started that damned playlist. Here he was in December, and it was still plaguing his thoughts. Good god, he thought he'd gotten past this.
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, will you never call again
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space
Kurt closed his eyes, resting his head against Santana's. It was all true enough, he supposed. Dave hadn't reached out once in all of these months. Not until Kurt had reached out to him. And now he was only reaching out to tell him to leave him alone. It stung. He felt Santana's hand take his, squeezing lightly. This helped. Having someone here with him. Maybe he wouldn't break down.
Hate me today, hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
Already tried that, Kurt thought. He had tried to hate Dave. He thought that maybe it would be easier that way, if he could just hate him. Truth was... Kurt had never hated Dave. Well, maybe a really long time ago, when Dave had bullied him and Kurt hadn't really known the real reason. But that was before all of this, and it wasn't something that Kurt ever really thought about. He didn't like the idea of fixating on that particular black spot in their lives.
I'm sober now for three whole months
It's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
Kurt knew that the context dealt with drinking, but he thought about the battles that they'd often fought while they were together. The one that dealt with Dave coming out. It was funny how that had worked out. Well, not really funny, actually. Just... strange. Kurt honestly couldn't say that he'd ever expected Dave to come out in high school, and he didn't know why he pushed so hard for it. Maybe it was because they'd be apart for college? He wasn't sure. But he'd pushed really hard. And then Dave had been forced out of the closet, and then where had that left them? They'd finally labeled themselves as boyfriends. He could see that coming out had been hard on Dave. Dave had lost his best friend. His mother. His family had been torn apart, and Kurt doubted they'd really recovered from that yet. But Dave had finally been able to stop hiding who he really was, and Kurt felt like that had been a huge accomplishment for Dave.
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
"You stopped him, you know."
"I know." Kurt was surprised for a moment that Santana even knew. Then again, this was Santana and she knew practically everything. He could ask how she'd known that Dave had come close to suicide, but he was sure he'd get some vague answer about how she was a goddess so she saw everything. Sometimes Kurt really wondered if she really was some sort of all-knowing immortal, but he'd keep that to himself. She'd be flattered by that, and he wasn't going to inflate her ego. She was unbearable with an overly inflated ego.
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Kurt frowned. He didn't want Dave to leave his life, and he didn't want to leave Dave's. But he also felt like Dave wasn't going to give him much of a choice in the matter, like always. Why was all of this always on Dave's terms? It had always seemed like Kurt had all the control in the relationship, but Dave had made the most important calls. The ones that started and ended their relationship. Oh, but hell. Hadn't he just sent a fucking heartfelt email about moving on? Jesus, he wasn't back at square one again, was he?
Hate me today, hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah in ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
"You'll never hate him, will you?"
"Never."
"Good."
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy, I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "how could you do this to me"
"I find it somewhat creepy how accurate this stupid song is." Kurt sighed.
"Did you ever ask yourself why he broke up with you?" Santana asked, and Kurt opened his eyes, giving her a quizzical glance because it was such a strange question to ask. Especially considering the fact that it was the exact question he'd been asking himself for the last what, eight months? No, seven. But still.
"Only all the time." Kurt answered honestly.
"Have your answer now?"
"No?" Kurt asked, still confused.
"Really?" Santana asked, shifting a little so that she could look him in the eyes. He just shook his head, and she let out a deep sigh. "I thought it was obvious, but maybe that's only because I actually know."
"You do?" Kurt asked and Santana nodded, biting her lip.
"Kurt, he thinks you're too good for him. He thinks that he's never going to be good enough for you, that he's only ever going to hold you back. He thinks that letting you go was in your best interests."
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
Oh.
"Why did that never occur to me?" Kurt wondered aloud, shocked. It was just so Dave, and yet, all these months, it had never ever occurred to him that maybe that was what had been going through Dave's head when he'd left. And now Dave's silence, cutting off complete contact suddenly made sense. Because if Dave had been doing this for Kurt's sake, then that meant that he had still wanted Kurt, and keeping in contact with him would have only been tempting. Which would have made everything so much harder for him, knowing that Kurt so obviously wanted him back. He'd left Kurt because he wanted Kurt to have better, but he'd stayed away because he knew that he would have given in to Kurt.
"You thought you were past that point."
"But it's... it's just so obvious."
"Nobody ever said you were smart, sweetie."
"Oh hush you." Kurt muttered, shoving her out of his lap. She landed on the floor with a loud thump and glared up at him. He only stuck his tongue out at her, which was rather childish, but she did the same, so he couldn't bring himself to care. She stood, brushing off her jeans and then taking a seat on his bed.
"What are you going to do?"
"What can I do? He clearly wants me to stay away."
"Because he's an idiot."
"I'll agree with that." Kurt said and they both smiled at each other.
"Who's an idiot?" Santana and Kurt both turned their heads to see Finn standing in his doorway with his hand in a bag of chips. Santana looked over at Kurt and rolled her eyes. Kurt just grinned and shook his head.
"Dave." Kurt answered as Finn moved into his room and sat next to Santana on his bed.
"Oh, yeah. Hell, I could've told you that. I am an idiot, after all." Finn told them.
"At least you admit it." Santana said, patting Finn's arm. Kurt guessed that Finn probably made the stab at himself so that Santana couldn't.
"So what'd he do now?" Finn asked, his mouth full of chips.
"Well, Kurt sent him an email and Dave answered back. And Kurt's finally realized that Dave broke up with him because he thought he wasn't good enough for Kurt." Santana said. Kurt thought it all sounded too simple, but oh well. Everything was best watered down to it's simplest form when explained to someone else, he mused.
"I could see why he'd think that."
"Finn!" Kurt said, reaching out to smack his brother, but only managing to tip his chair over in the process. A small yelp escaped him as he landed with a thud. He glared up at Finn as though it was his fault, but Finn only shrugged as though to say Kurt was the one that had done it. He popped another chip in his mouth.
"Well, you're basically New York or bust, right? You've got all these big dreams about singing on Broadway and having your name up in lights and shit. Where exactly does Dave fit into that? I can definitely see Blaine in there, but Dave? Not so much."
Santana cocked her head at Finn, her face conveying only surprise. She agreed with Finn, but she was more surprised at the fact that what he said made perfect sense. Finn was the last person she'd expect to understand anything.
"Wait a minute," Kurt said, propping himself up on his elbow. "Have you talked to him about this?"
"Nope." Finn said.
"I think you're lying."
"I don't think he is," Kurt said, studying Finn. He stood, picking up his chair and then sitting back down in it. He wouldn't be reaching out to hit Finn any time soon. He'd rather not end up on the floor again. "You're dealing with the same thing, aren't you?"
"Oh, with Berry!" Santana said, smacking herself on the forehead.
"Yep."
It suddenly dawned on Kurt how connected they all were. It was such a tangled, complicated web that they wove, and it amazed him. These two people sitting with him could offer him insights into Dave's own mind in a way. He could offer them insights into things that they were dealing with as well, and he couldn't help but wonder if it was always going to be that way. He felt that he had forged lifelong friendships that could never be broken, not even by the distance they'd endure next year. He had no idea where Finn or Santana would be going, but he felt sure that no amount distance was going to keep them from keeping in touch.
If you had asked him two years ago who his best friends were, he probably would have told you Mercedes. A year ago? Blaine and Dave. Now? Finn and Santana. It was funny, considering that two years ago, he was "madly in love" with Finn, Dave was his sworn enemy, and he hated Santana. He thought about Mercedes and how the two of them had undoubtedly drifted apart over the past year.
"What about Blaine?" Kurt asked, more to himself than the others because thinking of Mercedes suddenly made him think of Blaine.
"Let me ask you this: if Dave showed up on your doorstep telling you that he loved you, would you take him back?" Santana asked.
There was no hesitation as Kurt said simply, "Yes."