This is my winter song to you

Upon discussion, Kurt had been sure that he would be singing something Dave-related. He could have sung something directly related to Christmas, but he just didn't like the idea of it. The sad Christmas songs were fine and all, but he just couldn't seem to find the right one to convey exactly how he felt. Sure, they felt sad, but they lacked the bleakness that he was looking for. Kurt had almost settled on Taylor Swift's Christmas When You Were Mine, but then he'd stumbled across the most perfect song. Or well, in his mind, it was perfect. While most Christmas songs evoked images of festive colored lights, presents under trees, and mistletoe, the song Kurt had discovered was cold and gray and lonely, but also possessed a tiny flicker of hope. It was exactly what he wanted.

The storm is coming soon
It rolls in from the sea

He'd shown it to Santana and Blaine the previous week. It hadn't really been entirely intentional, actually. He was at the Lima Bean with Blaine, and Santana had shown up. He thought that perhaps there would be a little trouble, because he'd always gotten the impression that Santana didn't like Blaine, but the two of them seemed to get on just well. Maybe it was just because Kurt had been with Blaine and Santana was pushing so hard for him to be with Dave. Now she had yet another ally who was pushing just as hard as she was, and Kurt wasn't really sure what to think about that.

My voice a beacon in the night
My words will be your light
To carry you to me

Now he sat perched on a stool in the choir room, Puck on the stool next to him as he played for Kurt. Even with Santana's sad smile encouraging him, he couldn't help but be discouraged by Mercedes' fiery glare. She hadn't learned until today that he and Blaine were split, and he hadn't even told her. He hadn't wanted to because he was exhausted enough from everything else going on. He just didn't think he had the energy to deal with her rant on how much of an idiot he was for letting Blaine slip between his fingers. But really, he hadn't. Not if you looked at it from his perspective. It took not being with Blaine to realize how wrong it had felt to be with him. He could tell that Blaine felt the same way, and now he felt a lot less guilty over the way things had just kind of sizzled out between the two of them. But, if it was any consolation for Mercedes – and it meant the world to Kurt – he and Blaine were better friends than they had ever been before.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love...

It almost felt like things were beginning to come together in his life. For the first time in a long time, things felt somewhat right. As he thought over the fall, a lot of it seemed so unreal. Like it was happening to someone else and not him. Or maybe he was just so distant from it all and he was finally coming back to himself. He just had one thing left to make right. He didn't know if he could ever convince Dave to take him back, but he knew that Blaine and Santana were working together to chip away at this stupid wall Dave had thrown up against Kurt. They were determined to get Dave to take Kurt back, but honestly, Kurt would be okay with just a conversation. There was no doubt he wanted more. He would be ecstatic if Dave would take him back, but he wasn't going to ask for that much.

They say that things just cannot grow
Beneath the winter snow
Or so I have been told

He'd gone sledding with Finn, Blaine, Santana, Brittany, and – much to his surprise – Sebastian last weekend. He had gone reluctantly, and most everyone knew the reason for his hesitation, but they quickly proved to him that new memories could always be made. They claimed that the new ones could replace the old, but he didn't believe that. He'd never forget the first time he and Dave had ever gone sledding. Not in a million years. But it had been nice to get out with his friends and have a good time. It was something he hadn't seriously done in a while, but he had been able to let loose and be himself. The only person in the group that he didn't care for was Sebastian, but even they had lightened up in the fun of it all. Kurt wouldn't go out of his way to talk to Sebastian now, but he wouldn't be unnecessarily rude to him. Besides, he could see the way Sebastian and Blaine kept looking at each other, and he was always going to support Blaine. If Blaine liked Sebastian, Kurt was going to have to get along with him. Even if he did hate the fact that Sebastian had dated Dave.

They say we're buried far
Just like a distant star
I simply cannot hold

He and Sebastian had actually had some time to themselves to discuss Dave, and it had been a relieving conversation for Kurt. He liked knowing that he wasn't the only one that couldn't move on. That he wasn't the only one that couldn't let himself love because he was still hung up on his ex. He felt a little sympathetic towards Sebastian, but then, like Blaine, Sebastian had known what he was getting into. Or that's what he had told Kurt, anyway. Normally, Kurt wouldn't believe a word Sebastian said, but there was a certain vulnerability that showed through in Sebastian's words.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love...

Kurt closed his eyes, feeling the emptiness fill him as he sang the words. He normally wouldn't let himself go there, but Blaine had been right. In order to be the artist he was meant to be, he was going to have to embrace this. Express his own feelings in song and not hold back. He couldn't hold back at all. He had to let that emotion come through, in the song, in his voice, in his presence.

This is my winter song
December never felt so wrong
Cause you're not where you belong
Inside my arms

Truer words had never passed his lips, he decided. Even a December filled with endless fights felt so much more right than a December spent without Dave. Dave belonged with him, and he was never more certain of anything in his life. He had been a fool to ever believe he could get over Dave. Or that he could ever love anyone else. He was never going to love anyone the way that he had loved Dave. Screw that "you have to lose your first love" and "high school relationships never last anyway" bullshit. What he and Dave had was so completely real. He felt it in his entire being. He couldn't live without Dave.

I still believe in summer days
And seasons always change
And life will find a way

Whatever this was... this period in their lives where they weren't together, it would pass. He and Dave would be together before long. If their love was as true as Kurt felt that it was, they would end up together. It was only a matter of time. Not a matter of if. It was a matter of when. Kurt hoped that it would be sooner than later, but he was so certain. Even if it took years, he would wait for Dave. God, he hoped it wasn't years. Please don't let it be years.

I'll be your harvester of light
And send it out tonight
So we can start again

The hope hit him so much harder than he had thought it would, and he realized that he couldn't have chosen a song more perfect. This sad tale of longing somehow evolved into hope for the future, and he could feel the transformation within him. His own hope stirred and woken as he let the song flow through him, the words passing over his lips. The emptiness was removed, and in it's place, the little spark that had been put there by a silly song was now a raging inferno and it wouldn't be quieted. He would get what he wanted. He would do everything that he could. He would have Dave and all would be right again.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love...

This is my winter song
December never felt so wrong
Cause you're not where you belong
Inside my arms

The glee club applauded him and he slipped quietly off the stool, a smile on his face as he bowed to them and moved quickly to his seat, next to Santana. He glanced over at Mercedes to find her still glaring at him, and he thought if looks could kill... She meant well, he was sure. Didn't she? He couldn't help but wonder if she would feel this way if she had known what he'd been going through the last eight months or so. He'd never really talked to her about it, since she'd gotten carried away in her own relationships, and he was left with Finn for consolation. Not that being stuck with Finn had been a bad thing. In fact, it had turned out to be a very good thing.

Still, he was surprised when she approached him after glee club and said, "I am so disappointed in you," He could feel Santana stiffen next to him, but he didn't really have time to register anything before Mercedes continued. "Here you had this damn near perfect boy who loves you and you couldn't get over yourself long enough to show him a little appreciation for all of the shit he puts up with from you. Why are you so stuck on a boy who doesn't give a damn about you? One that treated you so wrong and just abandoned you? Why couldn't you just let Blaine love you and love him back?"

He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out as all of that guilt came rushing back and he was crushed beneath the shame. He suddenly felt chained again. The world – which had felt so light just moments ago – suddenly felt heavy and he was so weary of it all. He almost thought to lean on Santana for support under this metaphorical weight, but he just closed his eyes, taking a deep, tired breath before looking back at her, defeated. It was Santana, intertwining her fingers with his and speaking up, that gave him strength.

"What is your problem? You are not Kurt, and his relationship with Blaine was exactly that. It was theirs, and it's all their business. What right do you have to stand here and judge Kurt for feelings that he can't control? Furthermore, what gives you any right at all to stand here and talk about what's best for Kurt when you don't know anything. I'm pretty sure I haven't seen you holding his hand when he's upset or listening to him spill his guts about how he really feels. I'd say you're basing things off of a completely one-sided story, but I have to wonder if you've even talked to Blaine about it, considering the fact that he's not even upset. He and Kurt are happier now that they're apart. So get your shit straight before you go around judging people."

"You weren't really around when Kurt needed you. I was the one who had to force him to eat when he refused. I put sleeping pills into his food when he wasn't looking so he could get some sleep, because he really couldn't sleep otherwise. I sat with him through all of those horrible awful chick flicks again and again. I ate three times my weight in ice cream for him. I dragged him out of the house, doing my best to keep him busy so he wouldn't think about Dave. I was there for all of that. Where were you?"

Kurt looked between Santana and Finn. He wasn't shocked at all that Santana had said anything, because it was so like Santana to retaliate where she saw fit. He was just more surprised that it was for someone other than herself or Britt. He shouldn't have been. He knew that. But the fact that Santana cared so much for him just still completely awed him sometimes. And Finn... god, he could kiss Finn right now. Finn had seen him at his worst, had helped him at his worst. He finally settled his gaze on Mercedes, who was looking like she'd just gotten a particularly nasty slap in the face. She was clearly outnumbered, she could see that much. Kurt almost felt sorry for her, but then he remembered her words to him only moments ago. And Santana and Finn's words to her. Again, he was struck by that wonderful feeling of having the most amazing friends he could ever ask for.

"Stringing Blaine along was wrong. I admit that," Kurt said quietly. "But I can't control who I love, and he knows that. And like Santana said, Blaine and I are actually getting along better now that we're not actually together. Being a couple put limits of sorts on our relationship, and we're so much freer now that we don't have them. This is for the better. It's my life, Mercedes. And you seriously cannot stand here and judge me when you yourself are doing the same exact thing. I have to go."

Kurt shook his head and moved around her. He didn't look back, but he didn't think that she did either. He knew that there was truth in her words, but there was truth in the others words as well. When had everything become so ridiculously complicated? Friendship wasn't supposed to be this hard, or so he thought. He wondered for a moment if they'd bounce back from this. He turned the corner, but didn't go any farther. He rested with his back against the wall, closing his eyes as he took a deep breath. He wasn't too surprised when he felt three sets of arms wrap around him.

"Thanks guys."