Don't own Criminal Minds.

Chapter 4: They Needed a New Start

The movie ended with a flurry of credits and silliness. Ashley glanced over at the other end of the couch where Derek was passed out reclined. Sophia's head was resting on a pillow on Derek's stomach with his hand resting on her back. The scene moved Ashley; it reminded her of the perfect American family but it wasn't and she couldn't relish in the picture. She flipped the TV back and channel surfed; Sophia wasn't the only one who had trouble sleeping. Ashley turned on an episode of How I Met Your Mother and tuned the world out, until Sophia started moaning in her sleep. The little girl's cries of terror revived Derek who jumped out of sleep. He glanced at Ashley who was already making her way over to her daughter. Sophia woke with a jerk and threw herself into the closest set of arms, Derek's. Sophia wrapped her arms, vice-like, around his neck. Ashley offered to take the wailing child, but Derek shook her off. He consoled Sophia by rubbing small circles on her back while murmuring how incredibly sorry he was and how hard he would try to never let it happen again.

When her wails turned to hiccups, Derek carried Sophia to her room. He thought about how physically and emotionally exhausting that must be for both mother and daughter. He leaned against the closed door and tried not to ball like Sophia had. This case destroyed him. He took deep breaths and opened his eyes to see Ashley leaning against the wall, pity and sadness in her eyes.

"I'm sorry that had to happen while …" She began but he shushed her.

"No, I'm sorry that has to happen at all."

"Me too." She said and he pulled her toward him. He cradled her head with his hand and used the other arm to wrap around her tightly. She clung to the front of his shirt. "I promise it's not always this bad. I promise you, she's getting better. Absolutely, positively do not beat yourself up because of this. You saved her." After a sob she queried. "God, does it ever get easier?"

"I think so; I think it will get easier. I hope it will get easier. Are you guys seeing someone?"

"Yeah, we go separately and together to the same psychiatrist, but it's hard to explain and not many people understand. Empathy is different than understanding, y'know? I know people feel bad when they hear the story, but they don't understand. It's hard to describe the suffocating, heart-wrenching, gut-twisting, agonizing pain that sometimes sweeps over me. It's never at the same time either, sometimes I see a little boy with a smattering of freckles or I see Liam's favorite food or any other little thing and all of a sudden I'm immovable and aching. And sometimes I feel bad when I feel happy, because he can't be there and he's not there. Sophia and I went to Navy Pier and we had such a wonderful time but then that wave hit me and I wanted to cry because only one of my arms was being wrenched out of its socket. I want to be happy, but I don't because it's wrong to be happy when he's dead."

"No, it's not. You have a right to be happy, you know that. He died so you and Sophia could be happy. Remember that. I want you to be happy, too. You deserve to. If anyone deserves it, it's you."

"Do you want to stay? You can sleep in the bed, I'll sleep with Sophia. I'll probably end up there anyway tonight."

"No, I'm gonna head back to my momma's." He said kissing the top of her head. She closed her eyes and squeezed him tighter before finally letting go so that he could slide his shoes on and gather his jacket, wallet, and keys. They clung to each other for a few moments again before he walked out and she waved to him from the doorframe.

"Don't be a stranger," She called as he meandered to his rental car. She blew him a kiss and he pretend-caught it and staggered across the driveway. She giggled and closed and locked the door.

He was right they deserved to be happy, but she couldn't imagine them being happy in a place that constantly reminded them of the little boy that was gone. She resolutely opened her computer and pulled up a job search. They needed a new start.

"We must try not to sink beneath our anguish, Harry, but battle on." –Albus Dumbledore (J.K. Rowling)