TUESDAY
Rory took a gulp of her coffee, and stoke her sleep-ridden face with a tired hand. Coming home from the joyride at the Huntzberger's mansion of Amusement yesterday, she had immediately collapsed into her bed and slept for twelve hours straight. It had been the most draining day ever, and even after a good night's sleep she felt the exhaustion reaching into her bones.
"I don't… – Wha…- You -You need to tell me more!" the voice from the other side of the table urged her, and Rory shook her head and yawned. She had just finished telling the dramatic story from yesterday to the currently astounded, gaping woman and felt too tired to go over it again.
"No mom" she therefore answered, and took another big gulp of her bitter remedy while closing her eyes.
"Rory. I'm sorry to do this, but I'm waving my mother-card here. You may not remember this, but for one of us to even be able to enjoy this lovely morning, the other one had to go through many hours of hard, weary, sweaty - and in many ways that I don't really want to think about or even actually remember - awkward labor."
Rory rubbed her tired eyes, peered at her mother and pouted slightly. Then she reached for her cup and asked;
"What do you mean awkward? Isn't child birth supposed to be a magical thing? You told me it was!"
"Naah. That's what the kids these days call a white lie. Just as I told you that Santa was real, and that there was no way that a person could actually blow up to a blueberry."
"You mean someone actually can?" Rory interjected.
"Well" Lorelai affirmed "Bill O'Reilly, Neal Boortz, Sarah Palin - I wouldn't put it passed any of them. Anyway, the reason for all that - white and - innocent lying, was to make you happy and to feel good and safe."
"And now you're trying to gain points and make me tell the story again." Rory confirmed behind her cup.
"I just don't get it." Lorelai's baffled voice said "Why did you start by admiring his stupid painting? And why…"
Rory frowned at this, and opened her eyes completely for the first time this morning, glaring at her mother; "It's not stupid! Do you know how incredible it is to find a real framed and actually portable piece by Diego Rivera? It's amazing, and it was not stupid at all to be shocked and then comment upon that fact. In all that it's written about him it says that he only made frescoes and murals! I would like to see how you'd reacted if - if you found out that Pixies had made a – a puppet show."
"Oh!" Lorelai exclaimed "I would love to see that! Imagine Black Francis as a doll… No wait! Imagine Black Francis playing with a doll!"
"Yeah" Rory answered with a sudden grin, but soon collected herself and resolved her stern face, saying; "Well, there you go! The painting in his office was – just as - cool, and thus it was nothing - strange with the way I reacted." she concluded her speech with a small nod and once again reached for her caffeine with an eager motion. "I'm not answering anymore questions!" she declared as she saw the other woman's expression; clearly ready to burst.
"Umhm" her mother exclaimed, while hastily pressing her hand to her mouth to stop herself from saying anything else. Her eyes were obviously begging for more details, though - and Rory finally yielded with a sigh and asked the other woman what she wanted to know.
"Why was he even at home?" was Lorelai's burning question "Isn't he supposed to be, like, a workaholic or something? It was five in the afternoon – any respectable workaholic would be at work at that time, right?"
"I didn't ask."
"Maybe he had a sick day" Lorelai suggested "Did he in any way look unhealthy? Oh. I know. He might have that STD that makes people go crazy… The one on that killed that guy who said that God was dead!"
"You mean Nietzsche. I don't think Mitchum has syphilis, mom."
"But the profile fits so well" Lorelai insisted "Slutty –check. Crazy –check."
"Yes, those are the main criteria I'm sure" Rory's somewhat testy voice retorted. She was still too tired to fully appreciate her mother's quick wit.
"Did you want to punch him? I would love to punch him. Give him a black eye, broken nose and knock him out."
"I don't think you'd be able to take him. He play squash regularly and was the star of the track team back at Yale" Rory replied, while repressing a yawn "He ran a four minute mile."
"Yeah - that's pretty impressive" Lorelai said in a thoughtful tone "I'll have to trick him then. Hey, I've heard you can actually get a black eye from playing racquetball. Maybe I'll ask him to a game."
Rory couldn't help but smile at that statement, and answered; "Your history with balls in square closed-off spaces would suggest that the one getting banged up would be you …even it that scenario."
"Yeah, you're probably right" Lorelai said, thinking yet again for a possible solution. Finally she gave up and shrugged - with her eyes firmly directed on the tired young woman quietly drinking her coffee with her eyes closed. After a moment Lorelai joined in on the stillness, while drinking from the black hot content of the cup in unison with her daughter.
They stayed in calmness for a while. Lorelei then broke the silence - as she couldn't take it anymore. She was still bursting with unspoken questions, and therefore in a hurriedly and passionate manner asked;
"Rory, I'm sorry but you have to give me more here. Tell me again what he said! Did he tell you why he did it? Did he explain just what he told that – Bob? Did he apologize at all? Did he really thank you for staying with Logan? What did Logan say? And what's up with that woman? With that – that - Stepford-hatched Barbie-ogre?"
Rory shook her head, tiredly repressing yet another yawn "Too many questions" she pointed out.
"Fine" Lorelai instructed with a definite nod "Just choose one to start with and then work yourself through."
"Uhh!" Rory exclaimed, hanging her head and wishing for her mother to be quiet.
"Mm-hm!" her mother's chippy tone agreed, and continued in the same manner to urge the tired one to fulfill her daughterly duty of telling everything and anything about the previous day's encounter with the soon to be in-laws.
"I have to know" Lorelai informed in a somewhat explanatory voice "I have to understand just how it went down, to be able to react accordingly."
"Specifically?" Rory asked with a small, tired frown "I mean, I already told you what happened…"
"Yes! I need to know every little detail!" Lorelai exclaimed excitedly, leaning forward and piercing her eyes into the tired one's across the table. "I need to know every aspect of their vile, detestable, awful, horrifying, pompous, abhorrent home. I have to know everything about how they treated you, and how you reacted - and how you feel right now. I have to know" Lorelai continued, while reaching out to grab Rory's hand across the table "because; soon you're going to be a part of that family. And – I'm so worried…" she paused to take a deep breath, the pressed on in a voice filled with emotions "that they are going to keep bullying you." She paused yet again, before exclaiming in a passionate manner; "I hate those people!"
"Yes, I know you do" Rory answered in a submissive tone while watching her mother with apparent concern. She gave in and took a lungful of air before letting her words pour out in a calm and stating manner.
"First of all; Logan was just glad that I was still in one piece walking out of there. He said that he was happy to never again set his foot inside that house – but I know that is not how it's going to be" Rory paused and sighed in a tired manner, before pressing on "It's his family, and I knew from the start just what I've myself gotten in to. As you recall, they haven't precisely been subtle with their feelings regarding the future prospects of me marrying into their midst."
The mother nodded in silence. She could well remember the phone-call from an equally upset and bewildered Rory the night of her first encounter with the Huntzberger family. Lorelai remembered the tearing feeling of anxiety and fear she had felt at that moment, and remembered the initiation of a blazing hate directed at the unseen family that had existed ever since.
"Yeah" she responded in a low voice, while still holding in to her daughter's hand across the table "I remember. I can't stress this enough; I hate those people!"
"I know" Rory nodded, and continued in her calm, stating tone; "Anyway, even if he thinks that it'd be possible to just cut them off, and never again speak to them – I think he knows deep down that it's not going to happen" she shook her head with sad eyes, and continued; "even though he feels like that now - it's his family, you know." Rory raised her head and her eyes and met the other woman's gaze "You can't escape family. Even how far apart you get - family always comes back, somehow" Rory concluded the speech with a sad smile, and suddenly felt her hand being tightly squeezed by the woman across the table. She saw her own sadness reflected in the eyes of her mother, and was momentarily grateful that she was too tired to really feel anything this early in the morning. The tiredness from the previous day still lingered in her bones, and made her thoughts and senses blunted. She had to drink more coffee, she concluded.
She reached for the jug and filled her cup up for another round of remedy, while her mother watched her motions in silence - still holding on to her sad expression. Rory took another big gulp from her refilled drinking-vessel and continued her story in the same calm voice as before;
"Anyway. That's why I decided to just - let it go" feeling the lingering frustration then thinking of Mitchum's words and his unattainable face, Rory shook her head to clear her thoughts, and continued; "I know I have to accept them somehow, even though they're - mental. I just - have to do it." Rory sighed heavily, and shook her head yet again. She felt the truth in her words burden her and heave her down, but she continued in the same calm and stating manner; "That's the package, when choosing to be with Logan. I have to share his burden now" she finished her words with a nod, as to cement the notion, and let her eyes fall to the cup in her hand.
"But - isn't there a difference?" her mother's cautiously concerned voice asked "between yourself and Logan?"
"Yeah," Rory answered with a tired sigh "I know."
She understood her mother's reason for asking, but had at this point neither the energy nor the will to fully explain the entire complicated situation for the other woman. She sighed and closed her eyes, momentarily lost in thoughts.
Rory knew full well that the difference between her own and her fiancé's burden was that she was the outsider trying to get in to where Logan undoubtedly already belonged. He was both the heir to the Huntzberger's fortune and also the core of their company's future. She would have to fight for her right to a part of their group, where Logan essentially and unquestionably already did belong. Their differences stemmed from that single fact, and their relation to Logan's family was therefore fundamentally different. Even thought they both had experienced the same wrath and the disappointments, there was an undeniable distinction between them. Where Logan was reprimanded and controlled due to love and concern - Rory never had their affection. Instead their actions toward her were caused by other emotions - such as loath, contempt and indifference. The truthful nature of Logan's and Rory's connection to the Huntzberger family was for that reason poles apart.
"Yeah" Lorelai replied, while observing the complicated expressions crossing her daughter's face. She wanted to console her, but understood that Rory didn't seek her comfort –as she was trying to stand strong. Lorelai yet again reminded herself that she had made her choice in supporting the younger woman, and that she was going to keep that promise no matter what. Their argument yesterday had made her realize the determined nature of Rory's stance, and the consequences that would follow if Lorelai turned against her. She did not in any way want to lose Rory again, the way she had done last year, when Rory had dropped out of Yale. That was the worst time of Lorelai's life, and she could in retrospective see that the daughter had been both deserted and let down by herself, the mother. She had since then promised herself to never again abandon her precious girl, no matter the surrounding circumstances. She had realized that the choice she had made at that point had not just left the young woman lost in her current uncertainty; but had also amplified the confusion and had as a consequence caused an interruption in Rory's healing process. That thought haunted her still, and Lorelai would do anything to avoid hurting the younger woman for a second time. So the mother had sworn to herself; she would never do that again.
Lorelai had come to realize that the only way to keep that promise was for her to accept and support her daughter in her decisions, and be there to listen and comfort when she was needed. She had now come to understand that the two of them had grown into different beings, and that their ambitions and wishes regarding the younger of them suddenly had started to collide. The collision was on an elemental and basic level, and it had in truth been a long time coming. The problem was that Lorelai had been greatly unprepared for this fact. As Rory had begun to change into something different, Lorelai had not been aware. She had closed her eyes to the changes that should have been so apparent, and decided in denial that the old Rory would someday come back to her. As it was, the changes that had taken place seemed to be permanent, and Lorelai had therefore come to the conclusion that she would have to take a step back to fully understand this new person that was her daughter. She had decided to let Rory live her own life, and to make her own choices. As a mother, Lorelai would have to stand by and watch - as the daughter made her own life-decisions. By that notion, at the breakfast table a morning in June, Lorelai decisively repressed her initial and urging need to speak her mind. Instead she held her silence, and waited across the table for the woman lost in thought to come back to the present.
Finally Rory did. She blinked and snorted, and her hand flew up to her mouth. She looked up at her mother and after a moment of trying to control the emotions she finally yielded and passionately started to laugh.
"What?" Lorelai wondered, smiling while feeling confused.
"Ba- Barbie-ogre!" Rory uttered between chortles "…that's h-horrible!"
Lorelai joined in with a broad smile, happy to finally see her daughter cheerful again. "Yeah" she smiled "but pretty descriptive, right!"
"Yes!" Rory exclaimed, nodding her head "it c-creates a v-very vivid p-picture."
Lorelai's grin became even broader "I know!" she exclaimed in accord.
"But…" Rory continued, unable to control her laughter "…it's – h-horrible!"
"Yeah, horrible." Lorelai concurred nodding, but then continued in a thoughtful manner; I wonder how it would work. I mean, it could work either way. So is it a Barbie putting on a …carved ogre idol suit-thing whatever, or a – a Gordok ogre - putting on lots and lots of makeup?"
This comment made the Rory laugh even harder, and she momentarily vanished behind the table as she bent double in her fit of enjoyment and expressed amusement.
"How is it that I know these things?" Lorelai wondered with a frown, but suddenly got an enlightened expression and exclaimed in excitement;"Oh my God. Maybe it's my hidden talent! Maybe I'm supposed to be a world recognized WoW-player, and take the virtual world with storm. And maybe, maybe…" her expression changed to a mask of conspirator, while directing her gaze at her still laughing daughter and leaning forward to whisper; "I'm supposed to see how deep the rabbit hole really goes!"
"Oh God. You're cracked." Rory affirmed in an attempted sober voice, while drying eyes that had been tearing up during her fit of laughter "You are mixing things that is not supposed to be mixed, you know that right?"
"How do you mean?" Lorelai asked with an innocent tone and expression "Mixing is so much fun. By the way, it's my prerogative to mix and blend and stir in this, our so called contemporary popular cultural diversity.
"Your prerogative, as a child of the MTV generation?" Rory asked in seriousness, while still catching her breath after her attack.
"No" Lorelai said while holding her daughter's gaze with an earnest look; "My prerogative as one of the Gilmore girls."
Rory shrugged. "Can't argue with that" she said and beamed at her mother, while grabbing hold of her cup once again.
After that bantering was over, the two of them sat in a shared contentment while finished their customary enormous portion of morning coffee. Rory had plans with her grandmother today, or more specifically and correct – Emily had made plans for Rory and herself. They were supposed to meet some very respected and well-known wedding planner, whose name (of course) didn't say anything to Rory. When her grandmother had called to let Rory know just who she had secured and gotten an appointment with, Rory had responded to the excitement from the other woman accordingly. She did not want to go though. Not one bit. But as she had been forced to cancel yesterday's lunch-date with her grandparents, due to the brunch-meeting with Hugo Gray, she could under no circumstances not go today.
Rory sighed where she sat. Sure, it would be fun to arrange a wedding; but this was premature – even by her standards. She could recognize the excitement in her grandmother's eagerness, and was in a sense grateful that her own happiness would trigger such feeling within Emily, but she now wished she had put a stop to this meeting from the start. This last week was supposed to be about saying good bye and just having fun with the people she loved. She did not want to spend one of her precious last days on planning a wedding that was still so far off, and for which; by the way, they hadn't even set a date. She was also a bit conflicted if she even wanted the kind of celebration her grandmother was sure to be guiding her to, or she wanted something utterly different. She still didn't know, as she hadn't had the time to sit down and figure this stuff out. The days since Logan's proposal and her acceptance had been slammed packed with activities and impressions, and she hadn't really had time to breath, less to think. One thing after another had come crashing in and acquired her attention and capacity. She had more life altering choices to make than she ever could have believed being possible a couple of weeks ago.
She had to decide regarding the Obama campaign train. Hugo had given her until Friday to think it over, so she wouldn't have to come to a decision right away. She could mold it over for a while longer, and give herself time to become really sure of the decision she already, inwardly, had made.
The second life altering choice she had to make involved the secret envelop currently hidden in the inside pocket of her bag. It was a choice Rory still had to make, and one she didn't like to think about. She knew that her father probably awaited her call, though, and that she had to take some time off her packed schedule to figure it out.
She glanced at her mother over her coffee cup. Lorelai still didn't know of Christopher's offer and proposal. Rory contemplated for a minute whether she should tell her mother of if she should keep it to herself, and concluded that there must be a reason why she hadn't told her already. Rory had from the start felt as if this was a matter she needed to figure out herself, and she had therefore kept her silence. She hadn't told Logan either. It had been such a crazy day yesterday, and then…
Suddenly realizing the gap in her argument, she froze where she sat. How could she have missed it, she wondered in frustration, the so obvious and apparent flaw in her doings. In not telling Logan about either of her choices she had shown a terrible error of judgment. He would be just as affected as she by whichever she chose, and he therefore had to be included in her process of making decisions.
Suddenly she rose. In a mumbling manner she told her perplexed mother that she had to take a walk. She then went into her room to grab her phone, walked off into the hall where her feet found her shoes, and hastily left the house and her mother behind. She had to talk in private, and even if she wasn't sure he was going to pick at this hour, she felt the need to get out of the house just in case.
She was a bit awkwardly dressed, she realized. She was wearing her PJs consisting of a pair of grey sweatpants and a t-shirt with the words "Reading is Sexy" written on it. It didn't matter though, as this after all was Stars Hollow. She started to walk in a fast pace down the street, to get out of eyesight of her mother, who most definitely must be standing in the window watching her departure with curious and concerned eyes, Rory knew. When she had rounded the first corner, she found a bench further down and sat herself down.
It was really a lovely beginning of the day, Rory thought to herself. The sun was bathing the green lawns with brightness, and the still dew-covered flowers glittered with brilliance in the morning light. She momentarily closed her eyes, and bathed her face in the gentle morning warmth. She could hear the sound of leaves blowing in the light breeze, and birds chirping in joy for the newly awoken day. This was her home, she suddenly though. This was the place she felt safest in the world, and where she always returned to. Her connection to this town was so much more than the bonds shared with its people, it ran deeper than so. It was a feeling of belonging she couldn't clearly explain, and a knowledge she would never lose. It was a bond with the air, the earth and the sounds, a bond with Stars Hollow itself. She opened her eyes and smiled, filled with the new awareness and at ease with the notion. "I'll be gone for a while" she said to no one in particular "but I'll be back. Most definitely..."
She took a hold of her phone and dialed the well-known number. She then pressed 'call' and heard the ringing tones multiply. As she though, he was at work at this hour, and couldn't pick up. Instead she reached his voice mail and left him a message;
"Hi" she began in a cheerful tone "I miss you. Do you miss me? I hope you do, 'cause if you don't… hm. Anyway, I'm calling to ask you to call me back, as I need to tell you something." She hesitated for a second, as she didn't want to scare him. They did have that monumental thing that happened just yesterday, and she didn't want him to think that she started to second guess herself regarding their future. Therefore she continued; "It's nothing bad, not at all as a matter of fact. Just… Well, call me back! Love you! Bye." she remembered herself just in time before hanging up, and pressed the phone yet again to her ear to conclude; "Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm going to that premature and dreadful wedding planning-thingy at noon, and then you won't be able to reach me. Just so you know. Let's talk after that! …Ok. That's it. Bye!"
She remained there seated on the bench, filled with a general contentment and joy while the warmth of the sun caressed her skin. She then heard sudden steps approaching on the pavement, and opened her eyes to see who it was. The sun made the being into a dark silhouette, and she had to peer to be able to distinguish the figure. When she comprehended the vision, she suddenly sat herself up in a rigid motion and blinked and blinked again in confusion and disbelief. She wasn't sure it was actually true until he stood right before her, watching her with his knowing eyes and slowly forming his crooked smile.
"Nice t-shirt" he said in his hoarse voice "very fitting."
"I'm wearing my pajamas" Rory said, reflexively. She met his eyes and felt herself drown in their bottomless dept. She saw him raising his brow in question and slightly tilting his head.
"Oh" he said, in loss for anything else to say.
"Yeah, I had to make a call" Rory said, without knowing how to make sense at that moment.
He nodded, in a mocking agreement and answered in a warm, sarcastic tone; "Yeah, I totally get it. I always make my phone calls in my PJs."
He smiled at her, and she felt herself respond. They stayed like that a moment, as if frozen in both time and space.
"What are you doing here, Jess?" she finally asked him, while still holding on to the astonished but happy smile. She searched his face for answers, but he only shrugged and grinned. Instead he remained silent, and placed himself beside her on the bench. She watched him as he sat down, leaning backwards in a comfortable position with his face turned to the sun. Rory mimicked his movement, and closed her eyes as she felt the warmth on her skin yet again make her both content and filled with bliss. They stayed like that for a while - enveloped by the morning's gentle breeze, the bird's joyful chirps and the leaves shimmering in the trees above them.
"I came for various reasons" the hoarse voice finally said - he turned his head and eyes towards Rory.
"Various reasons" Rory echoed, and met his eyes.
"Yes. I came to visit mom and my sister, I came to get away from my current writing block and - I came to see you."
Rory looked into his eyes, and felt a thousand memories resurface. This was such a lovely encounter, in such a perfect setting. She took a deep breath and let the morning air fill up her lungs with the familiar scent of sunbathed grass and leaves.
"You're writing a new book?" Rory asked him in a soft voice.
He nodded, still holding on to her gaze; "I'm trying to. It so much harder this time, though."
"Why?" Rory asked, with apparent confusion in her voice.
"Because of various reasons" he answered with a crooked smile.
"Various reasons" a still smiling Rory echoed, and shook her head slightly at their conversation's comical turnout.
"Yes. I kind of feel like there's more pressure this time. I'm not what you'd call a naïve kid anymore; who can write whatever comes to mind. And the final reason is that - I don't have the same source of inspiration as I did last time" his eyes held hers captive, and his smile made her warm.
She nodded decisively and said in a stating manner; "I somehow think that you'll be just fine."
"Yeah" his hoarse voice said "maybe I am…" His eyes searched hers for something for Rory unknown, and then he suddenly leaned back against the bench and closed his eyes.
Rory mimicked his action once again, and they lingered on the sun-batched bench side by side – bathing in the gentle warmth in mutual silence and contentment.
"So" the man beside Rory suddenly voiced in a decisive manner "I heard..." his voice fell quiet, and the sentence was left unresolved.
"…that I'm engaged" Rory completed, and gave a soft giddy smile while still facing the sun.
"Yeah" she heard him say "That."
With the capricious smile still lingering she nodded once, and gave a quick glance at the man beside her. She then turned her head and met his gaze, and saw his face change into a mask of complicated emotions. She witnessed his averting eyes and the rigid posture, and she realized that he was struggling with finding the right words, and with how to proceed. Rory knew in that moment just too well what he wanted to ask her, as she had been sure this was coming from the moment he appeared. She remained in silent watchful waiting for the question she knew he would ask.
"Last time I saw you" the trailing voice began "I got the impression that you weren't that happy with your situation." he paused and gave her a sharp, questioning look. She remained quiet, but nodded in agreement. This was true, she though. Last time she had met Jess was when she had driven down to Philadelphia - to see him and to kiss him. She had resolutely tried to forget her own feelings for Logan, as they had hurt too much at that point. The pain that had resisted inside her had made her both vengeful and confused, and she had used Jess for the purpose of making things even. Her own conflicted emotions had told her that just as Logan had been unfaithful; so should she be. Thinking about that particular moment made Rory feel both shame and regret. She had used Jess in the worst of ways, and she knew that he had every right to be mad at her. She realized that the time had come to start cleaning up the mess she had made that day, and that she now had to make things right. She consequently cleared her throat and gave her answer to his unspoken question;
"At that time, I was at my worst. For various reasons…" she stopped as she realized that the impropriate choice of words, but resolutely shook her head and pressed on; "I mean - I was a mess, through and through. I came to see you for all the wrong reasons, and for that - I'm - truly sorry, Jess" she looked into his eyes, and tried to convey her deep feelings of regret. He met her gaze, and she could see his face expose conflicted feeling. She took a deep breath and continued to explain in an affected voice; "I wish I could change what I did, and make things right. It feels like it's – the worst thing I've ever done" she felt herself flush in her own desperation to make him see just how sorry she was, and she hastily bowed her head to refrain from meeting his eyes. Instead she watched her clasped hands squeezing each other in her lap as she concluded her speech in a high-pitched, agitated voice; "I feel so awful… and I'm so sorry!"
The deadly silence that followed was interrupted by the low chuckle coming from beside her. Rory turned her head and saw the young man watching her with a crooked smile and a slight tilt to his head. His eyes were filled with affection, and she felt her own anxiety dissolve as she was enveloped by his gaze.
"You don't have to apologize for kissing me, Rory" he said "I don't regret that part" he smiled and gave her a meaningful look, before taking a deep breath and continuing in a more solemn tone while purposefully avoiding her eyes; "The thing that I'm - worried about is you; marrying that Logan guy" he paused with a frown on his face, and continued in a concerned tone; "I know that we haven't really seen each other much lately, but I still feel like I know you better than… most" he raised his head and held her eyes captive as to really get his point crossed. Rory suddenly saw a painfully vivid memory of Jess and herself standing outside Rich Man's Shoes in the aftermath of a heated argument. He had helped her see clear that time, after months of uncertainty and doubt. He had reminded her of what was right, of what was wrong and of who Rory truly was. "I am worried that you are making the wrong choice. I'm worried…" he paused for a beat to collect his thoughts, before continuing in a more certain tone; "I've met the guy, remember?" he shook his head and pressed on; "Besides, I still care for you and would…" he interrupted himself and looked somewhat uncomfortable at Rory.
"You don't have to worry about me, Jess" was her soft-spoken answer, as she watched him with a concerned look in her eyes.
He took a deep breath and started over in a strained voice, while trying to make her see reason;"But, it's just - I mean –Rory, anyone but him! You were not supposed to – not with someone like that…" he held her gaze and pressed on, holding up his hand to stop her from interrupting; "Isn't that – he and his life - everything you despise? Isn't that the kind of people – don't you remember? We used to make fun of guys like that!"
"Yes" Rory injected "but it's not how it is. That is not who we are" she paused for a beat, suddenly realizing something. "Do you think I'm a joke?" she asked with a frown. She was felt somewhat attacked by his words, and was therefore bothered "I don't know why I have to defend myself" she tense voice said "I'm sorry, but clearly you don't seem to know me anymore."
"I didn't mean it like that!" he explained in a passionate voice while reaching out to hold her hand "I would never think that!"
"Obviously you do" Rory insisted, while retracting her hand and measuring him with her eyes. She was feeling both upset and sad at this point, and she felt as she had had just enough of people telling her what to do, and how to live her life. "I'm part of his life now, and I guess that makes me part of the joke" she continued while shaking her head in disappointment of her friend's words "I'm marrying him, Jess. I have chosen, and I guess you could call it the wrong choice or whatever – but it's no one else's business, really. It's my choice." She sighed heavily, and felt the tiredness in her bones ache. She hadn't fully recovered from the previous day (with all its distressing events) and this unforeseen meeting had in its hostile nature worn her out completely.
"But are you really okay with this? After what he did to you – you know; the reason why you - kissed me. I thought you were leaving him after that… I really did. He's a jerk, Rory!"
"He's not a jerk" Rory intervened in a soft voice, while shaking her head.
"He's not? Are you serious? He cheated on you – you told me! How can you just forgive him, after something that bad?"
Rory watched him in determined silence. She didn't want to explain herself to him. She reminded herself that she really didn't need to. She didn't need to make him understand, nor did she need his blessing. The false notion of him having any real insight in this matter was truly preposterous. He hadn't been present for a long time, and he couldn't possibly know what Rory either wanted or needed. She only had one thing to do, she decided. She held his gaze, took a deep breath and felt the passionate words pouring out in the open;
"The only thing I can tell you is, as I already said, that I'm so sorry for using you. For that you have every right to be angry, and even hate me. I would understand if you wouldn't want to speak to me again, and I am so happy that you are. I would never want that day to be the end of our friendship, as you are important to me, Jess. Your friendship is important" she paused to catch her breath, and continued in a agitated voice; "But this, I can't accept. I can't accept you judging me and my choices. I don't see how it is your business, and it is certainly not you right. You have no say in the matter, and you have no clue. You don't know me and you don't know Logan" she paused and gave a nod, before continuing in a more tired voice with a sigh "I don't want you to do this, Jess. I don't want to fight about this with you. It's too weird. You don't know anything about this" she paused yet again, and felt the aching weariness spreading through her body "I'm sorry" she said "but I'm really tired, and I just don't want to have this discussion..."
He watched her with a bewildered and apprehensive look, as she ended her speech and sat in tired but determined silence. Finally he sighed, and turned his body away from her as he once again leaned back onto the bench. He directed his stare into the far distant and Rory could see his inner tension and confliction forming as a scowl on his face. She let her eye fall to the ground and was lost in weary thoughts when she suddenly heard the softly spoken words.
"I am just concerned" the hoarse voice said "I hope you know that. But - I guess what really matter is - how you feel. So are you actually, - I mean are you …happy?"
"Yes. I am." Rory answered. She spoke the words in a voice what was both soft and unyielding in its nature. She watched the man beside her as he lowered his gaze and then sat in a frozen stillness.
"I mean" the hoarse and suddenly somewhat drained voice said "It's your choice to make. I'm just – I mean, you and me – it is what it is. And it will be never be anything else than that, I guess."
Rory felt something old emerge as he turned his head and met her gaze. She was instantly seized and felt herself being captured by his bottomless eyes. She couldn't escape, and for a moment she could fully understand the endlessness in his longing, and the depth of his hope. She was finally allowed to see his true feelings, and it made her heart skip a beat.
She sat there, lost for anything appropriate to say at this moment. She felt her inside swirl, and wanted nothing more than for him to say something. She wanted to escape, and she wanted to be brave – but she did neither, just sat there in a shocked silence while the birds chirped and the leaves blew in the soft wind.
She knew that she had once loved him. Their connection had been undeniable, irresistible and they had been magnetically drawn to each other. Despite the hurt and pain, they had had no choice then to stop resisting, and accept the fact that they were supposed to be together. Rory had damaged both herself and people around her in the process, and in the end the relationship with Jess had been nothing short of a tragic. He had been nowhere near ready on an emotional level, and Rory had finally given up on him and on their relationship. He had been a mess, and he had made Rory feel both helpless and pathetic. Despite that, their connection had never weakened and it had been as if they somehow knew that they could be, would be, someday.
As Rory now raised her eye to yet again meet his gaze, all she felt was the blunted echo of the longing in his eyes. She could not sense the bond, and she did not feel desire. The demanding force that had driven them towards each other was gone, leaving nothing but emptiness behind. She could feel nothing but memories of feelings, and that thought made her sad. She felt sad as she realized in that moment that she had changed to the degree that she was no longer that young girl from the memories. She was in fact not even the same person.
Rory suddenly raised her head and took a lungful of sweet-smelling air for courage. Her eyes lingered on the beauty before her as the morning slowly dissolved into day. She saw that the green lawns bathing the in brightness, and the colorful flora slowly facing the sun. It was really a lovely morning, and Rory felt the earth and the sounds and the smells residing inside her as she opened her mouth and told the man with the crooked smile and the tilted head that they would never be together. She told him that there would never be a could be, would be, someday. There never could be, as she he had found the one person in the world that could meet her on every level, and challenge her in every way. There never would be, as she had found the one person that made her feel like she could be anyone in the world and still be okay. There never could be a someday as she had found the one thing that she had always been looking for. The one thing that she would give up anything to pursue and the one person in the worlds she was willing to give up her home for.
With that thought the sound of birds chirping in joy and leaves blowing in the light breeze filled her consciousness. She suddenly felt such love for this newly awoken day; one of her last remaining days in Stars Hollow. She felt the connection to the air, the earth and the sounds - her bond with the town itself. She felt the unbreakable belonging, and therefore whispered in silence "I'll be back, I'll definitely come back home."