Sexual Harassment

A/N: I was going through my files and found two shorts that I forgot to post. Oops.

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"Will you please stop squirming around so much?"

"I'm sorry ma'am." Kaidan stuttered, "You, you have your hands down my pants."

Shepard gave Kaidan a dirty look as she crouched at his feet, "Technically, I have my hands up your pants."

From behind the large pile of crates nearby, an excited "Whoa!" sounded.

The commander let out a long, irritated breath, "Chief, you have your orders."

Ashley peeked around the crates, "I promised not to look and not to tell Joker. Nothing about staying quiet."

"I'm changing your orders."

"But I can help, how about this? Bow-chica-wow-wow."

Kaidan physically felt his face turn a darker shade of red. He couldn't help but wonder if Shepard could feel it too when her hands stopped moving and she looked up at him apologetically while whispering, "I swear I'm going to leave her on a Hanar colony. Maybe then she'll learn some manner."

"This one humbly asks for forgiveness," it was a perfect, deadpan impression, "and offers in retribution to tell the Lieutenant something embarrassing about the Skipper. Like how she is wearing cutesy panties with cartoon dolphins. Very against regulations by the way."

It was now Shepard's turn to blush, "I take it back. I'm going kill her. Slowly."

"I'll help." Kaidan agreed trying to keep his mind focuses on anything other than dolphins.

"I think I got it." Shepard shifted around causing the top of her head bump against his hip, which made things even more difficult.

"You got--OW!" A sharp pinch cut Kaidan off from finding out if Shepard had a method of disposing of Ashley, or if she had figured out what had been biting the back of his leg for the last half an hour.

Shepard made a slightly disgusted sound, "it's all slimy."

Ashley let out another loud, "Whoa!" before adding, "You two are the only reason I haven't gone insane from missing my soaps."

"Haven't gone insane?" Kaidan repeated, "Are you sure about that?"

"Enough you two." Shepard ordered as she pulled her hands out of his pant leg. She held her up her prize, "I think it's some sort of leech."

Ashley's only contribution was "Gross." And then, "And I'm not talking about the space-leech. I'm totally talking about what it looks like you two are doing from this angle."

Shepard shook the leech some more, trying her best to keep it from latching on to her arm, "We should take it back to Dr. Chakwas, just to make sure you don't get sick from this thing."

"Yeah! We don't need you dying. Then whose pants will Shepard just randomly reach into?"

"Ash," Shepard was using a voice that she usually reserved for Saren, Udina, and the Council, "if you don't leave right this moment to set the LZ flare I'm going to..." she trailed off, "I don't know but it won't be good."

It didn't seem to have any effect on the Gunnery Chief though. She just laughed, did a mocking salute, and practically skipped away.

And the remaining two members of the ground team found themselves sitting in dumbfounded, embarrassed silence.

After a few seconds Shepard tugged on Kaidan's pants to get his attention, "Hey, next time, just buy me dinner."