Chapter 6

I closed the door behind me and instead of running to her and take her into my arms like I had expected me to do right before entering, I just stood there, unable to make a move. Something had struck me but at the moment I quite didn't know what. I felt a mix of surprise and shock in my stomach and it had the effect of a heavy punch directed right on my belly. It took me a few seconds to pull myself together and then I realized. The sound of the heart rate monitor was loud in my ears, almost deafening. I just didn't care. There was one, that meant she was alive, and that was enough. I realized I had felt surprised because she looked fine. I didn't know what I had expected before coming in here. I just hadn't expected that. No pipes, no oxygen mask, no anything. She could have been sleeping in her bed it would have looked exactly the same. Before being taken away by the ambulance, she'd been dead for a good quarter and I honestly didn't think someone could recover this fast from death – I even hardly believed it was possible to actually recover from death and I had to pinch me to make sure it wasn't dream.

'I swear to you I am alive,' her voice came softly from the bed. I froze – not that I had been particularly agitated – and looked at the reddened skin of my hand where I had pinched myself.

'How did you...'

'I felt it' she said in a whisper, showing me the back of her hand then letting her arm fall weakly on the mattress.

'Oh...' That probably wasn't the best word I could have said, but it was the only one that popped in my mind. I suddenly felt uncomfortable and it was only when she pointed out a chair with her chin that I finally dragged it on the floor next to the bed so I could sit beside to her. I knew what her next question would be and that was what was making me anxious. I slipped my hand in hers and smoothed her palm softly, looking at her pale face.

'How are you feeling?' I asked, trying to save some time before the fateful words would come out of her mouth.

'Exhausted' she replied with a loud yawn, her eyes half closed. 'But given the circumstances, quite fine I'd say' she finished with a smile, trying to rub the sleep from her eyes. 'You?'

'Oh, well, fine. Do... Do you remember what happened?' I asked, deciding it would be better if I cleared things up quickly instead of beating around the bush for hours.

'Everything is a blur,' she answered, frowning like she was trying hard to reminisce how she got in that bed. 'We were in the tank because you needed to flee. I can't remember anything else. So where am I?' She straightened and even though she knew she was too tired to do anything more, she tried to push herself up on her elbows. I helped her sit against a pile of pillows, and I hesitated a few seconds before answering.

'We... We left,' I simply said, watching out for her reaction, more anxious than ever. On the spur of the moment she'd told me it was the best thing to do if she didn't want to get killed and I'd thought it was the best thing to do too. I just hadn't realized that meant she wasn't going to see Franck anymore, that she was going to live in a totally different world where no one knew she existed and she probably hadn't thought about that either. Maybe she didn't even remember that she wanted to cross over with me? Maybe if I told her she was in my world she would think I had forced her to come and she would hate me forever? I had already experienced what it felt like to lose her and if it had to happen once again I'd be so broken I thought I would never recover from a pain like this. I even wondered if that stupid tiger would survive. Another option was to made her believe she still was in her world, just like in that movie, 'Goodbye Lenin!'. But that was impossible and I knew it. I had to tell her, not matter how she would react. I had lied to Peter, I couldn't lie to her too. My heart sank in my chest when she finally ask the question that sounded like a death sentence in my ears.

'We've crossed over, you mean?' Her voice was now reduced to nothing more but a whisper and she laid back down, closing her eyes. I would have wanted to do everything I could to justify myself, to convince her it hadn't been my fault, that she had had to come if she didn't want to die, that it had been her only way out. My brain was working fast to find a solution and after a few seconds, I finally found the only answer that could lead to the truth. Fate had to decide, not me.

'Yes, we've crossed over' I answered, pushing a strand of red hair away from her face. The only thing I could now do was to wait for a sign. My fingers clenched on her hand and I kept staring at her face, hoping she would smile or say something reassuring. But waiting was above my forces, I had to know before leaving. I bend over her and wrapped my arms around her, my chin on her shoulder.

'Please...' I breathed in her ear, tears rolling my cheeks. 'Don't tell me you regret this...' I shook her lightly, not wanting to hurt her more than she already was, and closed my eyes tightly, waiting for a simple word that would prove me she was happy to be here with me. I had never been patient, and for me her silence meant everything. She would never want to talk to me anymore and the single thought was unbearable. I wanted to hear her voice so much, even if she wanted to say she hated me, even if she wanted to scream at me, even if she wanted to cry and blame me. I just needed to know how she was feeling.

'Please...' I repeated, my cheek pressed against hers. 'Please, say something... Anything...' I closed my eyes tightly, trying to contain the tears that were falling helplessly, and tightened my grip on her. I finally felt her hand on my hip, but no sound came out of her mouth. Did she do that to push me away, or on the contrary draw me to her, I couldn't tell. I heard the door open, and then Peter telling me that we had to go, but I didn't move. I wouldn't move until she said something to prove me I was right.

'Olivia,' Peter sighed. 'We really have to go now.' I didn't listen because I didn't care. All I was waiting for was a sign, a word, and it would take more than stupid rules to make me leave without that damned sign.

'Come on Olivia, please...' I begged, stroking her soft hair without thinking. 'Anything...' Peter grabbed my arm, and at the same time she finally did something. My lips stretched in a large smile as she lifted her chin and kissed my jaw softly, her hold tightening on my hip. Joy was bubbling in my stomach and I bit my lower lip, trying to avoid a sob of happiness. I hugged her tightly and kissed her back, feeling Peter's inquisitive look on me. I stood up, rearranged the sheet on the bed and kissed her one last time on her forehead.

'I'll come back soon' I told her, putting the chair back against the wall. 'You need to rest, you should be able to sign out in a few days.'

She nodded weakly as I closed the curtains, and I eventually followed Peter who looked quite disturbed. He kept avoiding looking at me until we got in his car.

'What?' I asked, letting myself fall on the passenger seat. 'You said it yourself, you knew there was something between her and I.'

'I just didn't know what!' he exclaimed, running his hand over his face. 'I didn't expect something this weird! What the hell happened over there? I'm sorry, but I won't believe I've just seen you kissing... Yourself, until I know why!'

'Okay, then take me home and I'll tell you everything. I don't want to lie to you Peter, you deserve the truth.'

He nodded with a sigh and twenty minutes later we were in my living-room, none of us daring to speak. The silence was uncomfortable, oppressive, and being home wasn't of any help. It felt like I was back in that little cell, observed, alone. Peter was in an armchair, his hand covering his mouth, his eyes looking at the brown carpet on the floor. For a moment I could have sworn he was about to say something, but after a few seconds I realized it was only my imagination. I crossed my hands on my lap, wanting to ease the tension, but I didn't know what to begin with.

'What do you want to know, Peter?' I finally asked, judging it would better to tell him what he wanted to hear.

'You and I, it's over, isn't it?' he asked in a strange tone, as if he already knew the answer. 'You came back for me, so I guess you loved me. But you fell in love with her. I don't count for you anymore. The moment I saw you in the lab I knew something had changed.'

'Peter you count for me,' I said calmly, knowing things might degenerate quickly. 'But you have to know that what happened between Olivia and I... It's not normal. We didn't want it. I still love you but... I love her more. I don't think I've ever loved someone that much.'

'What do you mean exactly with 'love'? The way you're talking about it, it sounds like you could sleep with her and you wouldn't mind!' he said, getting up from the armchair, looking rather angry.

'We already did it Peter,' I said in a breath, ready to get up in case he became violent. He always had had a quick-temper, and telling him this had probably hurt his self-esteem. I preferred to anticipate his moves rather than being sent to the hospital with a broken jaw.

'What?' he bellowed, aiming his angriest look at me.

'I slept with her over there. That's how it began. We were fighting on the floor, and then we both felt it. And it's still there,' I told him, a hand on my chest. 'Believe me, if I could get rid of it I would.'

'I don't believe you,' he spat, opening the cupboard and taking the bottle of whiskey he had bought me. 'I saw you with her, I know you wouldn't even try to change anything. You disgust me.' he finished, swallowing a large gulp of the amber drink.

'Peter, please,' I said, knowing I had already lost. 'I know how you feel, but you have to know I didn't want any of this to happen!'

'Bullshit,' he said, taking another gulp. 'You fucked your alter-self once, maybe more, you liked it, didn't you? You so liked to fuck you that you want it to happen again. Incest doesn't bother you as long as you it does you some good, right?'

'Don't you dare saying that Peter!' I exclaimed, threatening him with my finger. ' She's me, I don't see why you call that an incest! You don't know anything about what happened and if you could feel what I'm feeling for her, if only for a minute, you'd know I'm not lying! I swear I love you, but I don't want to be with you because I know every time I'll be in your arms, or in your bed, I will think about her!'

'Oh, that's so sweet of you!' he said, ironic. 'You don't want to betray me, right? It's too late sweetheart. You betrayed me the moment you put your lips on hers.'

'She's me, I can't cheat on you with myself, can I?' I said, not realizing it could trigger his rage. He charged at me and cornered me so I couldn't escape his hold. He put his hands against the wall on each side of my head and lowered his face toward mine with a dark look. My whole body shivered when he exhaled deeply, filing my nose with the smell of alcohol and mint. I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the fear I felt growing in my stomach. I held my breath, unable to say anything, and his forehead finally touched mine.

'Tell me you don't feel anything...' he whispered before kissing me deeply. I kissed him back because I knew that I could not deny what I felt for him. When I said I still loved him, it was true. I had fell in love with him before meeting Olivia, and even if the love I used to have for him was faded, it was still there, hidden somewhere. It was the only way to prove him that I wasn't lying : letting him do whatever he wanted to let him know I trusted him. I should have resisted when his hands slipped on my shoulders, then on my chest, to finally land on my hips. I should have resisted because I knew he wasn't totally himself and he was doing this only to hurt the feelings I had for Olivia. All he wanted was to heal his pride, he didn't care about me, nor about what I wanted. He didn't need my opinion because he wanted to take control. So I didn't resist.

I don't know if I should make the next chapter M or not, but one thing is sure, it won't be the last one ! :)