Falling Through the Cracks
by Aimme,
with touches by My Note Book
Summary: His mask was flawless. His walls were perfectly structured. Protection and cautionary containment at its finest. Even a perfect pretend held fractures, though, and no matter how strong his glue, under the right circumstances, glue cracked and had to be gutted and filled in again.
Author's Notes: Please see the first chapter for all thorough disclaimers, warnings, and notations made by the author(s).
Almost as if to make up for our last two chapters, this one is rather long. Our longest to date, and possibly the most revealing, outside of chapter one. We finally receive a time line, too. More explanations in here, and yes, of course, there will still be more to come. Please note: as stated in the last chapter, if a section of narrative is in italics, then emphasis on any words is shown by use of the underline. Furthermore, there is a part where the narrative is in italics, but some lines are not and there are still underlines under some words—since it is all in the same section, you'll understand why it was done that way. If not, I can field questions about it, but I sincerely hope it is self-explanatory when you are in the midst of reading it.
Tiger002, I have a note for you at the end, amidst my rather long author's notation/commentary. I could not say any of the other stuff up here, though, so everything's at the end of the chapter, and your note is amidst it all. I put your name in bold, so you can just look for that if you want to skip everything else.
[Chapter] Disclaimer: The lyrics used in the middle section (you'll know what I'm talking about when you get there) belong to the band, Simple Plan. I make no claims to them.
-0-
Chapter Five - Just In Time to See Me Mess(ed) Up
-0-
Oh, if only I could find someone
To forgive me for the things I've done
You know harsh sobs burn from the inside up
You'll get here just in time to see me mess up
It was hard to breathe. The air was stifling and his chest too tight, too hot. Whatever resided deep in the cavity inside of him burned fiercely, and his throat felt raw and sore. Everything seemed to ache.
In a detached sort of way, he worried and cared about what had happened, but indifference had held true and he had not returned as yet. He wore his mask again, but he had not had a chance to gather himself completely still after the fractures had split and splintered once more, the glue not quite finished hardening through once again.
He was the definition and personification of numb, for, as his brother -his clueless, dear, dratted, terrified brother- dragged him down the hallway, his sluggish mind shied dully away from reality while also at the same time letting none of the facts escape him.
He'd been caught, true.
He'd also successfully pulled his mask back on before he'd been prepared to, before his guise was quite ready to be put to use once more, but he had made the broken pieces hold their mould despite the odds stacked against the fractures.
He was scattered and, truthfully, beneath, behind, and beyond his numbness, he was terrified. He felt the familiar grasp, cold and ruthless and tight, slithering towards his lungs as a panic attack began to stir coyly and mercilessly, seeking to set in. A sharp, searing pain sliced through his right temple, but he silenced the hiss, keeping it mute as always, and fought against the irregular breathing pattern itching to take over his air. The palms of his hands, already a touch clammy, began to tingle with pins and needles.
He'd come so close to being found out completely, so close to his brother diving headlong past his faltered walls and seeing depths he was not allowed access to. He couldn't let his twin in there; it was unthinkable. He clenched his sweaty right hand at his side, trying to alleviate the prickling symptom of the pressing panic attack he fought so hard to prevent and preempt—anxiety made his emotions swirl unpredictably behind his numb veneer and impeccable mask; the way he was feeling because of his close call and his close proximity to merely one catalyst of his state.
-
*Flashback*
Are you sick of everyone around
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding?
No, you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
No, you don't know what it's like
To be like me
Rubbing my hands together briskly, I tried to release some of my restless mind as I walked energetically down the hall towards the Aqua Lounge. I knew my brother would be there, no doubt with a textbook at hand, and I had every intention of distracting him from that.
After the twister in Kettlecorn and Mr. Tipton agreed to let the Picketts keep their farm, I had had to return to the ship with Mr. Moseby for school, but Ms. T had let Bailey and Cody remain to help clean up some of the destruction left, on account of them having perfect grades and being ahead in the curriculum (ha! How's that for a big word, huh?). They'd been flown back on London's dime (she's not always as selfish as everyone believes), and had only just returned. Yesterday. Evening. Cody'd been gone for a week, and made plans to spend all day today with his girlfriend. I felt like bugging him.
I inclined my head to a passer-by -Jocelyn, from work- as I turned a corner and neared the open doors of the Aqua Lounge.
"Bails, if he doesn't pick up his attitude, he's never going to go anywhere," I overheard Cody say, making me pause, hidden beyond and several steps from the doorframe. "I mean, he still doesn't have any idea what he's doing next that will actually make any kind of difference here."
I back-pedalled a few feet further before freezing completely. Contrary to fooled opinion, I'm not an idiot. It didn't take much for me to know who he was talking about, though perhaps it helps (which is a relative term) being his twin.
"I worry about him."
No, you don't. Don't lie to make yourself look better.
"I really do believe he's going to end up all alone after he's dated every woman on the planet, except for the ones who are smart like you, Bails."
The flattery did little more than make Bailey temporarily giggle, but I wasn't interested in their adulation (another biggish word—Ms. T would be so proud). I dropped my head lower, feet frozen to the floor, ears listening to the private conversation.
"He's going to find himself at the end of his rope…"
I already am.
"…with nothing of worth to show for it."
Not even myself.
"Cody, Zack's…"
My heart skipped a beat.
"…byzantine—you know, a twinge dense, I think; and he has a long way to go, but I don't think that means he's going nowhere—just perhaps not any place we're prepared to see him head."
"And by that, you mean prison."
"I didn't say that, Cody."
Didn't have to, Kansas. The art of implication isn't something you're lost on and the power of indirect suggestion isn't a foreign concept to you.
I swallowed hard, wishing to be far away, very, very far away.
"He makes me so mad sometimes… And I really do wonder why he's here."
You and I both, pal.
"I don't want to see him fail."
Yes, you do.
"And I'd hate to see him broken and nowhere in a few years."
Already am.
"Sweetie, he just has a long way to go and I'm sure he'll get there someday… hopefully sooner than we think he will," Bailey placated, but I didn't feel very reassured myself.
"Yeah, hopefully. Ugh, why does he have to make things so complicated and difficult? I mean, if you were to look up the definition of those words it would say 'Zack.'"
I swallowed difficultly again, catching a sharp breath. Sure, I'd always known he felt and thought this way, but I just never expected to be right there when he's saying it—granted, I wasn't supposed to be right there and he didn't know I was right there, but that only made it worse: it's a different matter entirely. I know I deserve it anyway, though.
"Honey, I know it's hard right now, but we'll just have to trust that he'll make something of himself sometime, someday, and really just help him where he is now, if we can."
I don't want your help, nor do I need it, so save your time.
"I know…I just question myself if it is even worth it. I get so tired of him."
I knew it.
"Why does he have to act the way he does?"
Sorry for being who I have to be.
"I'd hate to think he's useless, but…"
That was it; I couldn't take anymore. My chest was not working the way it should, making it very hard to breathe, and the tightness therein had been building up for days. I needed to get away, to get out; I needed release.
I nearly back-pedalled again, prepared to leave, but before I could do so, Cody and Bailey exited the Lounge and I had to act unaware and clueless, as if I had only just arrived. My heart smote, twisting, burning, aching inside the cavity of my chest, but I couldn't let on.
"Zack!" Cody exclaimed as they ran into me and we all pulled up short.
Despite the discussion I had been a secret witness of, a part of my heart breathed a sigh of relief I didn't want to readily acknowledge. I knew that of the two of us, I suffered the greater from separation anxiety, though I could never tell my brother this—Cody wouldn't care; and truth be told, I hadn't quite gotten over the fear I'd felt when we heard that a tornado had hit Kettlecorn and I couldn't get a hold of him nor could I even begin to make an educated guess at his welfare being of a positive nature. I'd seen him briefly last night when he'd returned, but all the same, I still fought the after-effects of the past week to week and a half. It still did me well to see him safe yet.
Why couldn't I say that his concern for me was that far-reaching?
"Hey, Zack." Bailey said casually, "What's new?"
"My shirt." I answered, truly with flippancy, but to them, seriously. Cody rolled his eyes, his half-grin revealing straight, pearl whites.
"And-and it's a very nice shirt," Bailey stuttered, trying to be polite, a smile plastered across her expression. "It looks great on you. Where did you buy it?"
"I know it does; why else would I have bought it? Do you think that the Awesome Zack -that's me- would get any less?" I bragged, smirking haughtily. Then I turned sympathetic, "But, Bailey, though I appreciate the obvious compliment, you already passed up your chance to take a crack at the Zack. I don't think it's appropriate now, especially in front of your boyfriend…"
I noted that Cody's eyes narrowed at my words, but I wasn't worried. I wasn't afraid of anything he could do to me about it, if he got it in mind to; he'd done the most damage he could ever do to me, and he'd done it already, and it most certainly hadn't been from his fists nor with them.
My smug smirk grew, my actions a charade tailored for them and pretty much everyone else on the planet Earth.
"So, what have you been doing?" I asked casually.
"Talking," Bailey waved offhandedly.
"Oh, about good things, I hope," I forced out without a hint of any problem communicated to them.
"Of course," Cody answered, straight-faced.
All I wanted to do was simply stare at him. However, I didn't slip up, nor did I do so easily, and I most certainly never let on—never let on to what's what, never let on about what's really in my head, inside of me, on my mind, never let on that there's so much more with me. I never let on.
"Excellent," I grinned, for me, it was forced, for them, it was natural. I know, because I'd perfected this. I had it down pat. I wasn't so easily caught; I wasn't so easily read, so easily known. I'd gotten excellent, myself, at being who I have to be. "Because if you weren't, I'd-"
"Zack, we've got to go. We have lunch plans," Cody interrupted.
"Of course," I pronounced with a sarcastic grin shot at them, "Wouldn't want to keep you from your study of lameness and perfecting the exact art of eating crème fraîche and edible fungi—how exciting!" I snarkily mocked.
"Whatever," Cody rolled his eyes, grabbing Bailey's arm. "Let's go, Bails."
"Bye, Zack," Bailey waved vaguely, her words more obligatory than sincere.
I nodded with a careless, carefree smile after them, but the moment they were gone, that upward twist dropped like the heavy weight it was, a mound of rocks crashing down on my shoulders. The heat searing my chest took my breath away, but I had to force casualness until I could get to the one place I could reveal I was not casual but rather that I am a casualty.
I dropped my gaze to my feet, scuffing one foot across the floor to prove that they were no longer frozen to the traditional print of the carpet.
"Hey, Zack!" Woody's voice startled me, but I didn't let it show.
"Hi, Woodchuck," I said with less enthusiasm than I hoped he picked up on. The blazing pain in the depth inside was becoming too much to bear. "Whatcha need?"
"I'm bored! Want to hang for a few hours?"
I needed to get away, and I needed to get away quickly. "Oh, well," I hedged, "I'm not feeling so hot, plus I've got some homework to do, so…" I trailed off, seeing the incredulous look on his face, but before I could question him about it, he burst out his own thoughts.
"Are you being serious?"
Covering. "Yeah, Woodmite. Gots to go bug Cody to get it done, 'cause he's been gone all week and I've had to do it. I deserve a break, but if I don't hassle him first, I'll get nothing."
"Ah, daaang it," he sighed. Bingo. Success. "Well, I think I saw him and Bailey heading towards the Sky Deck for lunch. In fact, they were coming from here, why didn't…"
Whoops. "I did, and he brushed me off," I flashed a grin. "Now, I've got to get even. That's what I meant by hassle."
"Ah!" He returned the grin, nodding knowingly. "Got it. Well," he shrugged, "I'd help, but I really don't want to be dragged into it. Cody knows where I sleep!"
"Coward," I joshed.
"Cody's vicious, I tell you!" Woody defended, with a small grin.
Hm. Sounds familiar.
"Well, good luck! See ya later, Zack!"
"Sure thing, pal." I am still amazed how easily I can convince people of bogus sincerity, of how I can so efficiently -almost effortlessly- fool them -all of them- with my ruse.
As soon as he was out of sight, with heart roaring painfully in my tightening chest, I turned to return to my cabin, specifically to my safe, hiding place therein, kept between four walls and a curtain of hanging clothes, where all of my truth lay suspended and revealed to no prying eyes.
No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy, but I'm not gonna be okay...
*End Flashback*
-
It still hurt to think of it, in a deep, aching, always bleeding way; however, where the pressure had been hot and strong and completely depleting, now he had meted out release. He had not recovered his centre yet, for his brother had interrupted his salvaging before he had reset his walls and safety nets. While he had recovered enough to hide away, he had not, however, gained enough of his stability to overcome the moment and completely find his level head.
He knew, though, deep in that burning and wasting away heart of his, that he deserved the pain. The horrible things he had done were too many to count, and he had coming to him all that they manifested in his life and faltering core. 'I need the pain to feel alive,' he told himself and kept his head and emboldened his stumbling and weary spirit, finding a way to cope sufficiently just to get by long enough to move closer to his hope for an eventuality he knew was a long distance off.
'Otherwise, what else is making me alive? I bleed, but at least I know I'm alive. And if there's life, perhaps there's eventually something worth it all…' It was awful, he knew, but it was all he was stuck with, his plight, his only recourse, his only lot. He was here, so he figured he'd find a way to get through.
He may not have possessed a wealth of book-smarts or textbook knowledge to make a Harvard graduate blush, but he knew many things—such as: there was nothing he could do to fix the things he'd done or that pain was the only fixture he deserved for this life.
As he was hustled along, he stumbled slightly in a small misstep (his brother was dragging him rather forcefully and briskly down the hall; it was enough just to keep up with the thoughts in his head, much less his brother's pace), and this caused Cody to look back at him and stop walking. His heart, pounding and racing hard and loud in his chest, gave an extra lurch at the expression his brother turned on him.
"You, you…" his twin sputtered. "What happened?" Cody's eyes narrowed, yet concern was in his voice.
He wondered detachedly if his brother could hear his heart, because it was hammering in his ears. He kept his face impassive and attempted to keep his emotions out of his voice as he answered, "It was an accident."
"Yeah, you already said that," this time, his brother's voice was cutting. "What happened?" he pressed once more as they slowly started walking down the hall again, the younger of the two never once having let go of his twin's bloody arm.
Struggling to find a workable lie, he thought of some weird, off-the-wall explanations, but none, of course, would his brother believe. No matter how much he could convince him of, this time was different.
'A paper cut?' Obviously, no. Lame. 'A knife slipped?' Seeing as there was a knife in that excuse, it was too close to the truth and thus too risky. 'Moved my arm across the desk in my cabin wrong—there's a rough edge?' Not good enough, but perhaps there was something there, somewhere, but what? 'Playing the guitar too hard?' Say what?
His mind raced for something to say, grasping at anything that he could pull off. 'Come on, you dolt, think!' An idea flashed a light on in his mind. Then he had it.
Looking his brother dead in the eye, he effortlessly pulled a lie out of thin air and made it part of the reality they all knew and held for his life. "There's a nail in my closet, pulled loose awhile ago and I just haven't gotten around to fixing it—I, uh, tripped," he winced, "and caught my arm on it, scraping it pretty deep, as you can see. I was on my way to clean up when you came in without knocking," he spoke the last sentence in a nasty tone, the barb shot as part of the lay of his protection.
He sensed himself quickly robbed of his defence when he felt his body tremble noticeably, due to the recent adrenaline rush, which had worn off, and the swash of his emotions as they washed over him and then the turmoil awash in him in the wake of the aftermath. The panic attack he'd been fighting hard against took its toll as well, and there was the issue posed by having his brother barge in before he'd been prepared to face any of them again with the one they knew so well—this was no easy matter to contend with either.
It bothered him that his stoicism could be betrayed by one tell, and one he couldn't control at that. While he acted strong, gave the world the mask they so gladly accepted, the tremors running through his body had him betraying his own weakness. It didn't matter that that was the truth—he only acts, for the truth was that he is weak, and he hates himself for it.
His face, however, remained solid and intact. Indifferent, cool, defended. His mask was a flawless one, the picture he painted for them all one they accepted without a second thought—he was a self-inflicted circus clown, a charade which the world applauded, in that they believed it to be real, flesh and blood and entirely true all the way through.
Carefully scrutinizing his brother's face, he tried to read his twin's thoughts by his expression; therein he found some doubt, as if Cody wasn't sure if he should accept the statement his brother averred so solidly or test its metal to reveal its flaws, but the older twin knew he had him. The younger believed every word, because he was afraid to believe otherwise.
Part of him wanted to tell his twin—no. No, he didn't. Cody wouldn't care anyway.
His heart lurched painfully against the confines of his chest, heaving a keen sob that scalded the cavity of his depths all the way up to the bile rising in his throat. It didn't matter, and Zack Martin wouldn't let it show.
Just in time to see me messed up
Harsh sobs burn from the inside up
I've been falling through the cracks
Falling through the cracks
-0-
Author's Note: What is it part of Zack wanted to tell Cody, before he quashed that desire and reminded himself that he did not? Did anything particularly pop out at you? I, personally, liked some of the parts about Cody making plans to spend time with Bailey and Zack's way of addressing it with just a "I felt like bugging him"; for me, that says a lot—a lot, a lot. What do you think it says? I guess we'll see what struck others and what those thoughts were. Also, Cody's claims about Zack eventually ending up all alone in a handful of years "after he's dated every woman on the planet" are very telling—what do you suppose that means? [No, we have not contradicted the canon of the show (and this is before Graduation), so give it another shot.] Furthermore, did anyone catch the "Cody's vicious" reference? What will become of the twins now? Will anything ever get resolved? Do you think this story could possibly gear up for a happy ending? I don't know—you tell me! Your turn!
...in a minute, that is, after I add these extra notations—I suppose, on a DVD, this would be somewhat akin to the author's commentary...
Questions that may arise from the chapter, but you don't have to read over (or you might want to jot down your own thoughts first before reading them):
1. If Zack knew Cody was spending the day with Bailey, why did he first mention that he suspected Cody was in the Aqua Lounge with a textbook instead? Simple answer, really, and based on his unintentional eavesdropping and how caught off guard he'd been to walk in on their conversation—the answer is that he didn't think Cody and Bailey were hanging out together yet. [No, he wasn't calling Bailey a textbook.]
2. Why did Zack [silently] call Bailey "Kansas" in the flashback? Because we (My Note Book and I) think that Zack has pet names for Bailey that he calls her inside of his head. No, they're nothing more than brother-sister affectionate nicknames, but based on his character, I don't think he'd let on so obviously that he considers Bailey as his little sister (and, you know, one day she will be...).
3. If Cody and Bailey leave the Aqua Lounge together for lunch, why, in chapter 2, is Cody alone and Bailey is with London? London, obviously, interrupted their date and dragged Bailey away, so Cody went to his room to occupy his time whilst waiting for London to finish with the resolving of her "wardrobe problems" which she had borrowed Bailey to help do.
4. What did you mean in the first part of the chapter, when you spoke of Zack's "close proximity to merely one catalyst of his state"? I address this question because I worried that the narrative there might not entirely be understood. Yes, it meant Cody and Bailey had driven him this time to how he was currently, as seen in the flashback, but it did not only mean that. Cody was still merely one catalyst, and Bailey was not the only other one, for both are not the only catalysts of Zack's state overall (very keyword, my readers)—others he knows, who make similar slams to him, his intelligence, who he is, etc, etc, etc. Episodes such as Trouble in Tokyo, Double-Crossed, or London's Apprentice (there are plenty more in both series, though!) might give you an idea of some of the other people we, they, know who have made comments—even if he wasn't always around to hear them; you'll still get an idea of this, though.
Also, a shout-out goes to My Note Book, once again, because the scene in the flashback, specifically, when Cody and Bailey were talking and Zack's thoughts were offsetting their words, was product of her writing. She gave the structure to work from, embellish and expand, and while I did a lot of adding at one juncture, a little rearranging here, and in some cases, rewording there, the gist and crux of the scene are thanks to her. Some of the wording is still exact, even, because, actually, some of the back and forth, I did not have to change at all. In fact, I think I only added a few extra lines to some of Bailey's answers and tweaked Cody's statements for certain reasons, gave some more structure to the scene or strengthened what was already there, and wrote other parts of the flashback instead. That was an awesome scene to work on with you, My Note Book! Kudos on adding a major dose of angst (when I first read your beginning thoughts on it, it made my heart jerk in sympathy and sadness) and thanks for helping me give insight into Zack's character to our lovely readers.
Tiger002, now that this chapter has been posted, I can tell you some things I have had to avoid mentioning. My Note Book and I found it cool, last week when we were discussing chapter 3 before we moved on to discussions of chapter 4, that you asked if we would switch PoVs and if we would see one from Zack's point of view. My Note Book and I decided to not say anything, because we had had this chapter written for awhile and thought it interesting that you should ask after that; and also that you asked if we would see something from one of their other friends and then we posted a chapter about Bailey—but so far, we have not written anything in second person. It's an interesting thought, though. I still have to stick by our oft-repeated phrase, "We shall see!" And remember our discussions about the relationship between the brothers? Yeah, this chapter is a major reflection of how the show has handled that—did you catch that? Also, this was the chapter I mentioned that might bring some understanding to the "crease" in chapter 3—re-reading chapter 1 might also help and then take a look at that scene in chapter 3. If not, or you don't want to just yet, we can let it lie and we can address it again at the end of the story—or I can be a bit more specific about why chapter 1 might help.
Vocabulary:
byzantine - (1) very complex: extremely complex or intricate; (2) devious: marked by deviousness or scheming; (3) Zackary (T.)* Martin: according to fanfiction author, Aimme, Zackary (T.)* Martin represents the personification and definition of byzantine [Early-21st century. Byzantine]
adulation - excessively admiring behaviour: excessive flattery or admiration
crème fraîche - French sour cream: a thickened French sour cream, used in cooking or served with other foods**
averred - past and past participle of aver — aver - (1) assert confidently: to assert something confidently; (2) allege: to state or allege that something is true
And perhaps everyone should know that Bailey was actually using "dense" in the meaning of its (according to my dictionary) fourth definition— (4) hard to penetrate intellectually: so complex and intricate that it is difficult to assimilate and understand
* My Note Book and I jokingly claim that Thomas is Zack's middle name, in honour of actor Dylan Sprouse...plus, it doesn't have such a bad ring to it. I'm sure their mom could see screaming "ZACKARY THOMAS MARTIN!" at the top of her lungs if she had to and decided it would be alright to name him that. I don't know if that will actually end up in the story, as reference to it was used just as a joke here. Smile.
** I do not know if you actually eat crème fraîche with edible fungi—but if so, it seems like a Cody and Bailey thing to do—and if you don't, I'm not sure Zack would even entirely know the finer arts of culinary consumption (what goes together, what does not), much less a foreign addition to one's diet. However, it seems a plausible claim for him to make of their lunch date, because he's mocking their...nerdiness? Yes, let's go with that. And if one may eat crème fraîche with whatever one prefers (because I know details are determined also by preference and not strictly norm—even culinary norm), then it seems a meal Cody and Bailey might actually eat.
The narrative that reads "...before he'd been prepared to face any of them again with the one they knew so well" is actually one of my favourite lines from here. It alludes, in simpler, more straightforward terms, to this: "he was not prepared to face any of them again with the face they knew so well," and insinuates that they don't know the real him. Or, at least, that's what I get. What'd you get?
Another favourite line is this one, "He'd come so close to being found out completely, so close to his brother diving headlong past his faltered walls and seeing depths he was not allowed access to." And also the one about "...the way he was feeling because of his close call and his close proximity to merely one catalyst of his state." To name a few, that is... because, you see, I really, really loved this chapter. And I have so many favourite lines. What about you? Any favourites?
Oh, plus, I love Zack's sarcasm in his head about his own intelligence in regards to "Ms. T" and school. I just thought I'd give a few of my own thoughts, since I'm about to ask for yours...
I know I've said this every time, but I mean it—we welcome any thoughts you feel worth sharing or you feel like taking the time to, but by no means feel like they won't be appreciated!
Thank you all for reading and we continue to look forward to this journey taken with all of you! We hope to see you all again next week (updates are on Wednesday evenings)!