Chapter 5

Shadows of Memory

He looks sad when he speaks of his old friend, Eleazar. "I've invited him to join us, but he refused."

"Us? What do you mean?"

"Alice and Jasper have returned from Italy with me. We're living in Canada a couple hours from Forks. We want to be close to the kids. We've brought some new friends with us as well."

"You're all back from Volterra? When did that happen?"

He sighs. "We didn't mean for it to take so long. Joham and Caius left a mess behind. They brought the women with them when they attacked us, and left the men in the city. All the losses we felt were repeated in Italy. And then there are all the motherless hybrids who've been indoctrinated in Joham's poisonous way of thinking for most of their lives. We went with the intention of dismantling the whole Volterra coven, but instead we've had to restructure it and keep it in place. Aro is going to take a few years to..."

"Wait a minute – Aro is still alive and still in charge?" I feel such a sense of outrage, that one of those who lead an army against us wasn't executed for war crimes.

"You haven't seen the magnitude of control Joham had, Bella. Aro didn't attack us, he was used as a puppet – they all were."

"Those 'puppets' killed my husband! They killed Esme! How could you let them live?" He sighs loudly at my outburst.

"Volterra has fallen Bella. But it's still home to a lot of our people. It's home to the hybrids now too. After all our losses worldwide, it's more important than ever that we have a strong governing body..."

"And that's Aro?" I snap. "He would have torn my family apart twelve years ago if he'd had the chance. I can't believe you..."

"Will you just shut up and listen!" He interrupts. He begins to pace again. Funny that I'd never seen that nervous mannerism in him before. "We all decided we needed a strong governing body. But it's not going to be in Volterra. In this day and age, there are better ways to rule than from one city. Global communications make it possible to keep up with issues from anywhere in the world. We've decided to have a ruling council instead of the three who hold their power by might. Aro is part of that council, but he doesn't rule it."

He smiles sadly and shakes his head, as if to dismiss his irritation. "I wish you had come with us, you've really missed a lot. We're basically starting a small government that we hope will endure and prevent wars from happening again. We've decided on nine members. Currently we have four vampires, two hybrids, one shape-shifter, and one human. Then there's the one who is in charge of making the final decisions. We're calling that spot the chairperson, for lack of a better name."

"Are you the Chairperson?" I can't think of anyone better qualified.

"I'm on the counsel. But at least temporarily we have a better Chairperson." He smiles at my questioning look. "It's Alice." My mouth drops open, I'm so shocked.

"Why Alice? Aren't there older and wiser people who could do it? I mean wouldn't it be better to have a real leader than a party planner?"

"Like I said before, you've missed a lot. Alice has changed. In fact she's probably changed more than anyone else." He's stopped pacing, and he looks me in the eyes, suddenly serious.

"Alice didn't know exactly what was going to happen in the war, but she did know we were going to grieve. It took a huge toll on her since some of her visions were crystal clear, and some of them were too vague. She had to keep it all inside, or we wouldn't have done the things we needed to do. She knew that we would suffer many losses."

"She knew?" I can't believe I heard him right. My best friend Alice wouldn't have let my Edward die. "Did she know he would die?" I watch him carefully, and even though he doesn't answer, I can see the truth. "My god! Why would she do that to me? Was it to protect Jasper? Why?" I feel such a sense of betrayal. I remember her that day, trying to hold me back and keep me from going to him. I feel myself slipping into a dark abyss with the news. It's too much.

He moves to hold me, and his arms around me remind me I'm not alone. I struggle to pull free, but he won't let me go. "Shh, calm down Bella. You don't know everything. She did the best she could."

"She let him die, Carlisle. She wouldn't let me go to him." I hear myself weeping, but there are no tears. "She knew, and she wouldn't let me take him away!"

"He wouldn't have gone anyway." His words freeze me.

"How do you know? He would have gone away with me if I had asked. He would have stayed out of the battle if it was what I needed." I look up into his eyes, and he doesn't say a word. Then it hits me.

"He knew! Oh god, he knew. No, no, no, no, no!" His hands keep me from falling hard when my legs give out. I wish I could just disappear. I remember his last words to me – his last kiss. I remember watching him charge into battle, and I remember seeing his last moments... no. He knew.

I lose track of time, curled up on the floor. Carlisle picks me up and carries me to the bed, and I draw my knees up and hug myself. His last words were to watch over our daughter, and to tell me he loved me. He knew. He knew he would die that day. He knew, and he didn't tell me. He knew and he didn't take our family and run to the ends of the earth to avoid it. Why?

I feel his weight on the bed. His hand rubbing over my back should feel soothing, but there's just no comfort for me. My Edward knew he wasn't going to live through the war.

His voice is soft and low. "Alice couldn't tell anyone, but Edward read it from her mind. They actually talked about it, and he made her promise not to tell you or let you see. She also knew that if you left, we'd lose the war. It had to go the way it did, Bella. Edward was the only one who could pick out the leader. You were the only one who could shield everyone."

I hear someone screaming, and it takes me a minute to realize it's me. The feeling that fate has reached out and taken away so much, hurts more than I can stand.

I'm not alone. His arms around me from behind startle me enough I stop screaming. He pulls me tight against him and holds me almost like a lover – but I feel more like a child.

"Shh, calm down Bella, it's going to be alright." I know it's one of those platitudes that you say when someone's hurting, but it sounds like a lie to my ears.

"No. It's not going to be alright. It's never going to be alright again."

"You're wrong." He's so close, his voice whispers into my ear. "I know you'll feel good again someday." He continues to hold me.

"No. Carlisle, why did he do it?" I whisper. "He didn't have to die. He didn't have to leave me." His arms tighten around me.

"Alice saw so many possible outcomes, and none of them were good. The best made Edward a fallen hero, the worst showed her how we all died, and what became of the world with Joham in control of a vampire/hybrid army. Without your shield, Caius would have taken control of us all. Then Joham would have put his master plan in place, and all the women would have been used as a sort of worker bee." He's quiet for a moment, and his next words chill me.

"Except for Renesmee. She's a mature female hybrid not of his blood, and Joham would have taken her from Jacob to make her his own mate. He would have killed her baby after it was born. Alice didn't know how this Joham had gained so much control, but she knew he had to die. Every one of the Volturi was his shield, including Aro. They were all prepared to die for him."

I just lay still My rational mind tells me that Edward chose his fate to save us all. But I also can't help but feel that he chose to abandon me to the despair that's tearing me apart. There had to have been some other way.

"Bella, you can't keep going over it in your mind. You have to let it go or it will eat you alive. Even if there were better ways to handle it, it's done. We don't get to do it over." He's lying behind me, and our bodies are pressed together. I feel some small comfort that he's not letting me withdraw.

"I know." My voice is small as he rubs my arm comfortingly. I try to think of something else. "How did you get over her?" I stare at her painting on the wall.

"To be honest, you never really get over someone you truly love. I don't want to get over her." He begins to rub my back in slow, soothing circles. "But I can't live in the past either. She's a part of me now, and she always will be. It's not about forgetting and getting over it, Bella. It's about continuing to live your life, and leaving yourself open to the possibility that you can be happy again."

"I don't think I can. How do you top perfection?" His soft laughter behind me surprises me.

"I used to think like that." Again his arm is around me, resting casually across my stomach. He shifts so my head is pillowed on his arm. I've never been so close to him before. Edward was always the one to comfort me. I should move, but it's the closest thing to a good feeling I've had for so long.

"Did Edward ever tell you that I loved someone before Esme?" His words surprise me. I've never thought about it. It always seemed to me like he and Esme had been together since the dawn of time.

"No, of course he wouldn't say anything." He speaks so close to my ear. "He was really good at keeping the secrets of the people around him." Again I feel his soft laugh. "I had to teach him that. When he was new, he sometimes had trouble discerning if someone had told him something, or if he'd read it from their mind. As a doctor, I knew that there were many things that people just didn't want to share. I taught him that it was best to err on the side of caution when it came to talking about someone's personal issues. He learned to keep a lot of things to himself."

"I'm sure he did." I can't help but think of the terrible secret of his impending death. He doesn't allow my mind to go down that pathway as he continues.

"Her name was Gabriella – the woman I loved. In your own words, she was perfection to me. Of course I knew her before I ever met Esme. It was long before she was even born." He sighs, and I feel his breath against my ear. "She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. She was blond, in fact Rosalie reminded me of her. I often wonder if that's part of the reason I changed her. Not that it matters anymore. Gabriella was stunning, and I think I fell in love with her from the first moment I laid eyes on her."

"Was she human?" I'm curious to hear more of his story.

"No. It was during the time I lived in Volterra, and she was very much a vampire – red eyes and all. She's the reason I stayed as long as I did. We had a very short courtship, and within weeks I asked her to marry me. She agreed, and I was blissfully happy. I thought for sure we'd have forever to be together. She was my first..."

I gasp. "She was your first lover?"

"I shouldn't be telling you all of this." He chuckles. "She was my first vampire lover. I was twenty-three when I was changed, and contrary to my father's wishes, I had not remained a virgin. There was all kinds of mischief a young man could get up to in London at the time. But Gabriella was the first time I ever made love. I won't embarrass you with the details, you know how good it is with our kind." I whimper at the memory. I only know how good it was with Edward.

He goes on. "Gabriella was everything I wanted. She was beautiful, she was charming, she was well traveled and well-read, and she was so smart. She was younger than I was, and so vibrant, I was in awe of her. I hated that she drank human blood, but I loved her so much I didn't care that she wouldn't change. While we were together, I at least tried to direct her to those who were too sick or injured to recover. She agreed that for me she wouldn't feed from the young and healthy.

"Bella, I thought there was nothing that could ruin our plans. I loved her so deeply, but we only had a year together. I would have given her anything. But the one thing I couldn't give her, eventually took her from me." He shifts again, folding his knees behind mine, and holding me tight again. His voice sounds so tortured when he speaks. "It still hurts when I think about her. Those memories never go away."

He's quiet for a while. I feel strange the way he's clinging to me, but I think he must need the comfort. "She had such talent. Even before the change, she could sing well enough to be a star. She'd originally gone to Italy for the opera. She longed to perform. But more than that, she wanted the fame and recognition. Her dreams were too big for the Volturi. As you know, it's against their law to draw attention to ourselves.

"For a time Gabriella was content to plan our wedding, and just be with me. But she missed the stage, and she missed the applause. She sang in tiny little productions, and they loved her. But she was forbidden to pursue her dream beyond that. I'm sure you can see where this is going."

"She broke the law?" I can't imagine turning my back on love for fame..

"She didn't tell me. She'd auditioned for a part and won the lead in one of the many operas that were touring the world. For all the time she was at rehearsal, she made up excuses and lied. She kept it quiet up until opening night. I didn't even get to see her final performance, since she thought she could get away with it if she told no one. She performed at La Fenice to a packed crowd. I'm told she was the best that has ever been seen." He makes a noise behind me that sounds like a small wounded animal. It's obvious he still feels pain over her.

"I was in Volterra when they brought her in to stand trial. She didn't try to deny it. She felt that the law was unjust and she told them she should be allowed to perform because she was a singer even before she was changed. The vote was two to one against her. My friend Marcus took her side, but he was alone. The Volturi have never been known to give second chances. Gabriella didn't have a talent that would be missed among them, so it was decided she was to be destroyed."

His hand clenches in a fist. "I tried to talk them into being lenient. I argued for all I was worth. In the end, I even begged for her life and offered mine instead, but they wouldn't relent. They gave us a few minutes to say goodbye. I held her, and told her I loved her. I kissed her one last time before they dragged her from my arms. She begged me not to leave her. She was afraid to die alone." I pat his arm, and he takes my hand in his clutching grasp.

"There is a room, not far from where they feed. It's where they took her. It's where I went to be with her so she wouldn't be alone. I still couldn't believe that they would actually go through with her execution. She was so beautiful, I just didn't see how anyone could look at her and harm her. I kept waiting for someone to tell me it was all a mistake and apologize." His voice sounds like it's coming out of the past.

"Even before they carried out the sentence, they built a fire in the pit in the center of the room. They held her as she struggled to free herself. She begged me to help her fight, but we were so badly outnumbered, it wouldn't have made a difference." He's quiet for a long time, and I can imagine the horror of the moment he's obviously reliving.

"It was the Guard who carried out the sentence, and her execution was as brutal as it was swift. I can still remember her lovely singer's voice raised in terrified screams. They tore her to pieces, and burned her right before my eyes. Too late, I realized if I had fought alongside her, I might have suffered the same fate."

I can hear the agony and the pain in his voice. I turn in his arms so I can face him, and his eyes are red, as if he would weep for her. I lay a hand on his cheek in commiseration and he covers my hand with his own. His eyes look back over the centuries, and he doesn't even see me.

"The fire burned her slowly. I saw her gown catch fire just before her golden hair. Her beautiful face blackened and withered before my eyes, and I couldn't turn away. I love her Bella. I almost threw myself onto the fire with her." I feel the pain of his loss. I know the horror he witnessed.

I put my arms around his neck to comfort him, and he hugs me close. His face rests on my cheek and he holds me so tight, a human would be crushed. I consider pulling away from him, but I know how he must feel to have witnessed such a thing. He holds me like a drowning man would a life preserver.

"I grieved for her for almost a hundred years." His tortured words are gasped into my ear. "I fled Volterra that day, and wandered Europe for decades. I didn't speak to anyone, either vampire or human alike. I refused to practice medicine, or any other craft. I was little more than an animal myself, with no place to go, no place to live, and no one who cared.

"During that time, I tried to end my life. I threw myself from cliffs. I found it impossible to incinerate myself in a volcano, the monster within me won't allow me to be still long enough to burn. Also useless was the idea of climbing into a blast furnace – the vampire within me wants to live even if I don't. I took a boat to the middle of the ocean and leaped overboard. I swam to the bottom, and the pressure did not crush me. I tried to stay there, like an anchor, but when I grew hungry I was driven to feed on the sea life – and yes it will sustain us.

"I swam back to shore, even more despondent at my failures. I dug my own grave and posted warnings to keep people away. I laid for six months in a state of... blissful nothingness. It's as you've discovered, we can shut down completely if we don't feed. Eventually I grew so weak I lost even my memories. In my grave Gabriella couldn't torment me." He sighs, and I feel him stroke my hair.

"That's when I found out that what lives inside of us has a stronger will than we do. I didn't even hear the sheep. I didn't smell it, nor was I conscious of it. But I clawed my way free of my grave and fed. I woke up covered in the animal's bloody remains. It could just as easily have been a human, and I wold have murdered someone." He doesn't have to tell me I'd taken the same chance.

"I was forced back into the land of the living, and I booked passage on a ship headed to what I still thought of as the New World. It was the turn of the century, and I threw myself into a life without connections or familiarity. I took up practicing medicine again, and traveled the country, not staying longer than a year in any one place.

"I never forgot Gabriella, but at least I didn't see her everywhere I turned. When I found myself caught up in her memory, I would look through patient charts or medical journals. I studied a great deal. It was then I met the Denali coven. They survived on animals like I did, but what surprised me was how they lived as a family. Eleazar told me of the destruction of Sasha, who created an immortal child. It was the one flaw in the idea of a family – there could be no children."

He lifts his head and looks me in the eyes. "Eleazar planted the seeds that saved me, Bella. I was suffering in my loneliness and grief, and I was afraid to let myself feel more than friendship for anyone. When the Spanish flu really took hold, I was in Chicago. The death and suffering was on a scale you wouldn't believe. My own tragedy began to pale next to what I saw every day in the hospital. Soldier's died clutching photo's of young wives. Children perished and left grieving mothers. Whole families came in sick, and died one by one. It was horrifying. I lost two of my own nurses to the flu, and had to face the grief of their families.

"Of course you know what happened. But do you know how unlikely it was that I would even involve myself? I had professional distance, and it was necessary to do the job. I didn't get involved with my patients. One delirious mother clutching my sleeve was no different from another. But Elizabeth was particularly insistent. She'd already lost her husband, and she didn't care about her own life. But on her death bed she begged me to save her son." I can't help but hang on his every word. I know the story, but only from Edward's perspective.

"The young man was in bad shape. I sat by his bedside and knew he wouldn't last the night. Medically there was nothing I could do. I was just about to turn and tell his mother it was too late, when he grabbed my arm. His eyes were a vivid green in his wan face, and the blood he'd coughed up was dried on his lips. He barely had the breath to speak, but his words – I'll never forget them. He begged me: 'Please, don't waste your time on me. Please sir, save my mother, I beg you.' They were both pleading for the life of the other. I wasn't sure which one was the more selfless, but when I turned back to Elizabeth, she was already gone."

I stare at his face, wishing I could read his mind. "I always wondered why you let one die and saved the other. Thank you for telling me."

"I sat by his bed until the early hours of the morning. I was right; he wasn't going to pull through. In his delirium he whispered of happy times. He had a dog named Bo, and he fished on the lake with his father. I talked to him, and he answered questions like he was talking in his sleep. I learned that he played piano, and he was one year from finishing high school. His mother wanted him to go to college to become a music teacher, but he had plans of joining the army. He never got the chance to tell her.

"I know you won't understand this, Bella. But somewhere in those early hours of the morning, I learned to care again. It was like a switch was thrown and I could no longer keep my distance. I felt so involved with the young man who played baseball, and had just helped his father paint the house, that I just couldn't stand the thought of him dying. I had to sneak him out of the hospital so he wouldn't attract attention during the change. I had a small house on a secluded road, and I took him there. As soon as I could be sure he was about to breathe his last, I bit him."

He looks as if he's in pain. He squeezes his eyes shut and grimaces. His next words come out in a strangled gasp. "The blood... I forgot about the blood. It was like nothing I'd ever tasted. I mean I had resistance, but the taste of him was almost more than I could take. I bit him several times, just to feel my teeth sink into his flesh. I only meant to bite him and let the venom take over, but I drank from him, Bella. I drank his precious blood, and I almost took it all. When his heart fluttered, I knew I needed to stop. But it was close."

I can tell he still remembers. Even a hundred years later he can still remember the details. I stroke his face. "You didn't kill him, Carlisle. You saved him."

"I made him into something he barely understood. I held him through the change. I did what I could to calm him when he screamed. It took two days, and at times it was unbearable to see his suffering. When it was all over, he woke up confused, frightened, and hungry. Before I could even teach him about what we were, we needed to hunt. We were too close to populated areas for us to wait. Right from the beginning I showed him about hunting animals." He stops speaking and a kaleidoscope of emotions passes over his face. It's as if I can see the memories there.

"I was surprised at how fast he learned. He didn't ask me very many questions, and yet he seemed to know instinctively what we were. It was only later, when he began asking deeper questions that I started to put it together that he could read my mind. He asked me if he was alive or dead, and I just didn't know how to answer him. I know in my mind there were all kinds of thoughts of my own transformation, and how I had been hunting the monsters when I was bitten. I believe that's when he began to think of us as monsters."

I gasp, and he touches my face. "At the time, I didn't realize that I was laying the foundation for all his doubts about his humanity and his soul. I just wanted him to learn how important it was that he always be in control and be able to restrain himself." He looks so sad for a second, and I hold him close.

"I know he told you he rebelled and fed on humans. Did he tell you I drove him to it?" He shakes his head. "Of course he wouldn't." He sighs deeply and holds me tight. "We were talking about redemption one night. We'd been living in Ohio for almost a year, and we'd fallen into the habit of having long philosophical and spiritual discussions. He had such a fine, sharp, mind, even before you added in his ability. I told him that I believed we had souls. But he thought that I worked as a doctor to somehow repay humanity for what we were. I told him that I felt it was important to make something of our lives since we wouldn't suffer death. I told him it was as if God had given us a gift, and we should use it to better mankind. I could see my words confused him.

"He wondered aloud what reason God would have to give him the gift of reading minds, when it allowed him to see so much depravity people would otherwise keep hidden." He looks disgusted with himself. "I gave him my father's answer and told him to pray about it. I should have given him a better answer. I should have told him it would let him see those who truly needed our help. I should have told him that his mind reading was proof that he was special among God's creatures. He was so young – I sometimes forgot."

"What happened?" I can't help but ask as he seems reluctant to say.

"He wasn't there when I got home the next night. He'd drawn his own conclusions, and decided he had his gift so he could ferret out the dregs of humanity and put an end to them. I looked for him, of course, but aside from one small glimpse of him on the waterfront, I only saw the evidence of his passing. The Erie canal had fallen out of favor, but there were still many who lived and worked along the miles of canals. It's where the less advantaged people of society sometimes wound up. It's where he hunted.

"For weeks all I could do was listen to the news of the killer who was stalking the area. He was careful to disguise his method of killing, but before long someone put it together that the bodies were all drained of blood. I knew how easy it was for people to become panicked over the idea of vampires, and I began making plans to leave the area. I thought I'd lost him. I was already beginning to look forward to more loneliness, when I found her."

"Oh my god – Esme." I can see the memory is bittersweet.

"Yes. Edward had left a vacuum in my life. I didn't consciously set out to fill it, but when they brought her into the hospital, she was in such bad shape they thought she was already dead. They even put her in the morgue draped in a sheet, but I felt her heartbeat and pulled back the sheet. She looked so terrible I barely recognized her as my former patient. I knew she would be dead soon even with heroic efforts to save her. I used smelling salts to revive her enough to question her."

I want to ask him why he would try to ask her questions, but he goes on. "I asked her if she wanted to live. I knew where they'd found her and that she'd tried to kill herself. She looked me right in the eye and said 'yes.' There was just something about her... even just looking at her eyes she had this spark. I lifted her head and shoulders and held her for a moment. I whispered into her ear that I was a vampire, and asked if she wanted to join me. She grabbed hold of my arm and looked right into me and nodded. Just that small effort would have cost her life if not for what I did to her. Even with her dying breath she wanted to live."

It's so hard hearing him talk about her. "Who did you love more, Esme or Gabriella?" I realize it's a prying question even before I finish the words.

He surprises me when he laughs. "Ah Bella, don't you know by now that love doesn't know quantity? It can't be measured and distributed by some formula. That's like asking if I love Rosalie or Alice more. It's like trying to put a value on something that's immeasurable and priceless. I love them both."

"How is that even possible? I've always felt Edward was my soul mate. How do you love more than one?"

"I'm not sure I believe in soul mates Bella. There are people who fit so perfectly into our lives that it feels like they were made just for us. Esme was like that for me. But I don't think people are that rigid. People adapt and grow together. They learn to forgive, and communicate, and compromise. It's a process, and when you love someone it comes easy.

"Esme wasn't my perfect match, but I loved her, and we made the effort. I learned not to work such long hours, and she learned not to invade my office. I learned to communicate with her, and she learned that I sometimes need time alone. Love isn't just an emotion, it's an action. It's a choice."

I don't know how he can talk about her so casually. "I don't think I'm made that way. I don't think I could just choose to love someone else."

"You're a stronger woman than you give yourself credit. You're right, you can't just make a decision and love someone else. But what you can do is decide your life isn't over. You can decide that you're strong enough to face the memories. You can choose to celebrate his life rather than mourn his death. And you can choose to embrace everything you still have, and not keep looking at all you've lost. The first choice is to love your life, Bella. You can never love someone else if you feel you're nothing without him."

"But it's so hard." He nods at my whispered words.

"I know. I've been here before, Bella. I lost almost a hundred years mourning Gabriella. Don't make the same mistake I did. Will you at least try to move forward?"

I know what he's asking. He wants me to come out of mourning. He wants me to try to let go of the pain. I don't know if I can, but he's looking at me with such expectation in his eyes.

"I'll try, Carlisle."