Chapter 6

First Steps

He pulls me close and his lips brush against my forehead. "We should probably get up so you can hunt." He doesn't let me go.

"I know." I don't want to move. "Does it make sense that I'm not even hungry?"

"You've denied your needs for three months. Plus you've had a pint of human. I'd actually be surprised if you were hungry. Not to mention it might not be appetizing to drink from a furry neck after being able to drink from a cup again."

I sigh. "I wish I could be a real vegetarian. Have you ever known any vampires who..."

"No." He interrupts me. "I told you, I've tried it all. It didn't make me sick, but I was miserable trying to eat real food, and then being forced to purge it later. I've tried plants of all variety, pastas, cooked meat, protein drinks... even mother's milk." He laughs at my confusion. "I'm a doctor Bella, you'd be surprised what I can come up with if I put my mind to it. It doesn't matter though, nothing else suffices but the blood. And I've never heard of anyone else even trying."

"I just hate even killing animals lately. I mean I don't see anything wrong with it ethically. Charlie hunts and fishes, and I've never had a problem with eating meat. But lately... I just wonder if it's worth it."

He tips my head up so our eyes meet. "You need it to live, and that's what makes it worth it. Remember, you said you'd try. Are you ready to hunt yet?"

I don't know how to form the answer, and my silence makes him search my face. "Not yet. I... I like this." It's been so long since I've been held, or even touched beyond a comforting hug from Rosalie. He stares at me long and hard, then sighs.

"I like it too." He tightens his arms around me, bringing me so close, even our legs interlock. He tucks my head beneath his chin, and one hand rubs my back, while the other strokes my hair. "Thank you." His voice is so soft. "I sometimes forget how important touch is in the healing process."

"I still wish I could cry." My hands move over his back and shoulders. He's right, it feels good just to touch. I let go of time, as we lie together, just giving and receiving comfort. I close my eyes and surrender to the sensations. It's not sleep that takes me, but a kind of peace, as I feel his fingers combing through my hair and his strong hand rubbing over my back. Tentatively I reach up and touch his hair. It's not like Edward's thick, unruly mane. It's soft and smooth, almost like silk. I wouldn't have thought it would feel so baby fine.

"That feels nice." His voice rumbles a little beneath my cheek, making me aware that I've continued to run my fingers through his hair. It's calming, like petting an animal. His voice is whisper quiet as his words reach my ears. "Did you know, they've done experiments, where they took baby monkeys and put them in a sterile environment. They gave them food and water, and took care of all their needs. But the monkeys didn't thrive, and eventually they weakened and died. They needed to be touched. The scientists learned that simple touch made the difference between the monkeys living or dying. I'm not saying we're monkeys, but..." He sighs deeply. "...I really appreciate this."

"No need to feel grateful. We're... friends." I almost say family, but all those relationships are different now. We both pull back a little, and he smiles. We're still touching, but we can look at each other. His hair has fallen forward across his brow, and he looks casual and relaxed. He looks younger than I've ever thought, and suddenly he's only twenty-three instead of one of my dad's peers.

My smile feels unfamiliar on my face. "You know, I never thought about it before, but you're way too young to be a doctor in today's world. How could anyone look at that baby face and trust you with their life?"

He chuckles briefly, then his smile disappears. "I look much older if I don't smile. I've also got multiple degrees and dress the part. But most important is I'm a very good doctor. I've got hundreds of years of experience. I'm a more adept surgeon than any human. My eyes catch what human eyes miss. I remember every medical text I've ever read, and I can even sense problems before I order a single test. I can smell diabetes and infection. I can hear heart and lung problems, and I don't really need a stethoscope. I can feel high blood pressure, and fever. And if that's not enough to make people trust me, I've got a secret weapon." He leans in close, until we're nose to nose. "Humans can't resist me." I'm immune to his scent, but for just a second I feel his particular magnetism, before his mouth turns up in a grin.

"Oh now that's cheating." I smile.

His eyebrow raises. "Indeed it is. But I'll use every advantage I have to save lives." I'm suddenly reminded of the four he changed to save them, and my smile disappears. Edward.

"What is it? Did I say something wrong?" He looks at me intently. "Oh Bella, you've got to stop doing that. You did say you would try." He sits up and takes my hand. "Come on, it's time to hunt. Let's see how Esme's goats are doing." I can't believe he can say her name so lightly. He rolls his eyes at my shock.

"When I bought the island there were no animals larger than rabbits here. Esme suggested the goats, and we had to import them and let them go, in case of emergencies. And no, I'm not going to turn those four-legged eating machines into a tribute to her either." He pulls me to my feet. "They've been reproducing for several generations, and the caretakers will keep them thinned out if we don't hunt them. Let's go." He doesn't let me protest, and I'm shocked at how normal the day looks as we head out to hunt.

The goats populate the center of the island and they're almost too easy to catch, with no natural predators. Carlisle hunts with me, but doesn't feed. It surprises me that he's not overcome by the blood, then I remember he's the one with the superhuman control.

The goat's blood tastes strange to me, but it's because I've had a more perfect alternative so recently. Feeding more than anything reminds me that I'm a vampire. I crouch beside the animal I've just drained, and there's no denying what I am. It's part of the reason I hate hunting lately. It reminds me that the very reason I wanted to be changed – to be with Edward forever – no longer exists.

"Catch!" Carlisle is standing on the hill above me, and he tosses me a shovel. I catch it neatly. "You need to bury the body so it doesn't attract attention."

"You're not going to help me dig the hole?" Burial isn't usually part of our hunting ritual.

He laughs. "You're just as strong as I am, and you're the one who needs a distraction from her memories. You don't have to dig too deep."

"Gee thanks." I start to dig, and it's surprisingly easy. In no time, I've got the goat buried, and we head back to the bungalow. I have even managed to keep the white outfit clean. Human Bella wouldn't have been able to pull that off.

"So, when do we leave?" I figure he's made plans to get us back home. We're both looking out over the ocean in the mid-afternoon sun.

"You're ready to rejoin the world?" He glances sideways at me.

"No. But I'm not anxious to stay here either." I look out over the water where Edward and I went swimming in the moonlight on our honeymoon.

"Well, that's too bad. We're stuck here for a day or two. There's a tropical system coming through, and it has the potential to turn into a hurricane. Our pilot is busy securing his home and family. He didn't even want to fly me here, and you don't want to know how much he charged for this trip. He'll come for us when the storm has passed."

"You're kidding me. We;re stuck here?" The disappointment in my voice is obvious.

"I'm afraid we are." He turns to look at me. "Some people would consider it good luck to spend time in a private paradise like this.

"Some people are not haunted by their memories."

He takes my hand and draws me close. When his arms encircle me I don't resist, and I rest my cheek against his chest as his embrace tightens. His voice is tender as his hand rubs my back comfortingly. "I get it. I really do understand. I came here with Esme at least once a year. We'd sit and watch the sun set on that beach out there."

"I swam with him in the moonlight, right out there on our honeymoon."

"She used to bury me up to my neck in the sand. Then she'd sculpt the sand to look like all kinds of crazy things – she really was an artist. She's got a whole scrapbook full of my head on sculpted crabs, octopus, even Popeye." He laughs and squeezes me gently.

"He broke the bed" I pause, remembering our first night. "He was trying not to hurt me, and he just ruined it. He bit into the pillows to keep from biting me I guess, and I woke up covered in feathers." I'm not prepared for his laughter. He relaxes his grip on me and he really cuts loose, throwing his head back and laughing for all he's worth.

"Oh Bella... that's priceless! How did he keep that a secret? He'd have been teased mercilessly. No telling what Emmett would have done with that information." He stops laughing abruptly, and we stare at each other. "Emmett," he whispers. I slide my arms around him, and we just hold one another. A few minutes pass as we're both absorbed in our past.

"Maybe we could escape the memories, and swim to where your caretakers live?" I'm joking, but it sounds like it might not be a bad idea.

"No. That's not a good idea. Their island is bigger, but it's still pretty small. They'd wonder how we got there." He kisses my forehead and lets me go. "No. We're going to face this head on, like grown-ups. I'm not just going to mope around here and spiral down into depression. I don't have patients to worry about, and I don't have to deal with the council drama. It's as good a vacation as any, and I'm going to take it."

I can see why he has such control where blood is concerned. He confronts his memories with determination and an iron will. How much more difficult could blood be to handle?

He points toward the bedroom. "In the dresser, there are bathing suits of all shapes and sizes. Find one you can wear – we're going swimming."

"Carlisle, I really don't want to..."

"It's not about wanting to swim. It's about making some new memories." He points out at the beach and the ocean. "In about ten minutes, that's no longer going to be where Esme buried me in the sand. That's going to be where I took a pretty young woman, and tossed her into the ocean fully dressed because she didn't want to look for a bathing suit." He looks at me with a playfully menacing expression and I back into the room to change.

It doesn't take me long to find a suitable bathing suit, though the red bikini isn't what I'd have normally chosen for myself. I find Carlisle on the beach in baby blue flowered trunks, and I actually laugh. "You look like some California surfer dude."

"Funny you should mention it. Have you ever been surfing?" He points to the boards he must have found in the storage shed.

"Are you kidding me? You of all people should know how bad I'd hurt myself if I took up that particular sport." Even though I know I can't get hurt, I still look at the boards as if they could bite.

"I'm dead serious." He grins at his pun. "With the storm out there, the waves are looking pretty good. We're going to go out there and see how hard this is. I mean we've got balance, strength, and agility... and sharks can't eat us. What more do we need?"

"Have you ever done this?" I eye him suspiciously.

"Well... no, but if Jasper and Alice can do it... let's just say I'm not willing to be outdone." I want to stay right where I am, with my toes dug into the sand. Instead he grabs my hand and pulls me down to the water. "The tide's starting to come in. Let's go Bella, this should be fun!" He thrusts the board at me and doesn't give me a chance to back out.

The water is rough and churning near the beach, but as we swim out, the waves are coming in about three and four feet high. I ride the first one into shore on my stomach; too afraid to stand up. On my way back out I watch Carlisle make his first attempt and he wipes out so spectacularly it makes me laugh.

As he emerges from the water, dragging the board, I try to pretend I wasn't laughing. He splashes water in my face. "Let's see you do better, Arizona. It's not as easy as it looks."

I paddle out and wait for the right wave, trying to get my confidence up. When it comes, I time it as it breaks perfectly. I paddle along with it a few strokes and stand as it catches the board. It reminds me a bit of standing up in Dad's fishing boat. I use my arms to balance and I'm careful to bend my knees to compensate for the movement of the water beneath me. When the wave dissipates, I'm just a few yards from shore, and I step off into the shallow water.

Carlisle looks at me and shakes his head. "Is there nothing you don't do well?"

"You're kidding, right?" He must have forgotten that I'm not the one who did everything perfectly. That was Edward.

"I'm not kidding at all. Did you just see what you did?"

I gaze out over the waves. "It wasn't that difficult." His compliment makes me feel uncomfortable.

"That's what I mean. You make it look easy." He shakes the water out of his hair, and it falls back onto his forehead in a dark blond fringe.

"So I get one thing out of a million." I shrug.

He continues to stare. "You don't even realize how special you are. No wonder you want to end it all. Bella, you are an amazing..."

"Look! The waves are picking up." I cut him off and charge into the water. I ride another wave in to the shore, and watch him wipe out again. I want to accused him of doing it intentionally, except for the determined set of his jaw as we head back out. I straddle the surfboard as we wait.

"You're trying too hard. Don't be so stiff. You've got to relax and... behave as if any moment you could fall, and let your body absorb the movement of the board." I still remember how often I'd fallen before I was changed. It wasn't because I was stiff, it was because I was living inside my head so much I couldn't think about walking.

The next wave comes, and I easily catch it, and make it to the shore in time to see his next try. He stands for five seconds before his arms pinwheel frantically, and he falls. He comes out of the water to stand beside me.

"This shouldn't be so difficult! I can perform brain surgery for crying out loud, how hard can it be to stand on a floating board?"

"So, this proves it; the great Carlisle Cullen does not walk on water!" I snicker at the incredulous look on his face.

"Oh you better be careful who you're taunting." He comes toward me with mock menace, and I run for the deeper water. He abandons his board, and mine slows me down until I make it to the deeper water and swim for it. I hear him splashing behind me, obviously not trying all that hard to catch me. I climb onto the board and feel safe for about two seconds before his hand on my ankle pulls me into the water.

He holds me underwater, not letting me reach the surface, no matter how I struggle. Then I remember what I am, and I almost laugh underwater. I don't need to reach the surface – I don't need to breathe. I stop struggling and stay calm until he lets go of my ankles. We hover in the water just looking at each other, and he smiles.

It hits me suddenly that I've been having fun. He sticks his tongue out at me, and I do the same, without even thinking. I swim for the surface and catch the surfboard. He bobs up on the other side of the board facing me.

"Looks like I'm not the only one who doesn't walk on water," he teases. An unexpected wave slaps us both in the face, and I laugh at his surprised look.

"Actually, I'm beginning to rethink my earlier statement. I think you do walk on water." I climb up and straddle the board. "Come on up, I'll give you a ride." Without hesitation, he climbs up and sits on the board in front of me. "When I say go, paddle like crazy, and then we'll stand up together."

I watch the incoming waves and as soon as one starts to form, I yell 'go!' We paddle, and when I stand, I help him up. "Bend your knees more and lean forward a little... turn a little sideways." With my hands on his hips, I guide him to a better form. I keep expecting to fall, but it doesn't happen. Not until he shouts 'we did it!' and turns to look at me. Our balance disappears, and we wobble, flail, and wipe out.

I fall with less grace than I did as a human, and I get scraped along the bottom as the wave pummels me. It's an amazing rush, since I can keep my eyes open, I don't need air, and I can't get hurt. I'm just rolling along when he grabs me and pulls me out.

"Are you okay?" He seems so worried. I come up laughing, and give him a 'what do you think' look. "I'm sorry. There are so many times in my memory I've had to rescue you or put you back together – it's a habit." He glances briefly at the setting sun. "As much as I'd like to tackle another wave, I think I'd rather go inside now, and wait for daylight. I don't think I want to watch the sun set this time." He takes my hand and we walk back up the beach. We store the boards and head into the bungalow before the sun pulls it's slow disappearing act, leaving the sky painted in dark hued blues.

"So, now what do we do?" The place has spacious rooms, but there are only three.

"Whoever gets second shower gets to pick out the first movie." He nods at the DVD collection beneath the small flat screen TV. I consider the choice.

"I think I'll have to trust you on the movie. I really want a shower, but even more than that, I want out of this bathing suit." He looks like he wants to say something, but instead he turns to look through the movies.

My second shower of the day feels different. I feel like I'm actually alive. I can smell the shampoo and body wash, and even though I know Esme picked them out, I don't feel weird about it. Thinking about the woman she was, I know she'd want someone to enjoy the things she's left behind.

The memory takes me by surprise. She almost gave up her life when she lost her own son, and she did give up her life when I almost lost my daughter. The parallels almost drop me to my knees, and I lean against the tile and groan over her loss. The children always mattered so much to her. How could anyone have taken her life?

There's pounding on the door "Come on Bella, stop that! Don't make me come in there and pull you out of your gloom!" I don't even want to know how he knows what I'm doing and how I'm feeling. I hurry up and rinse my hair and get out. One good thing about being changed is I don't have to shave my legs. In fact the shower is only to wash away the salt water. I don't sweat or have body odor, since bacteria doesn't really survive in or on me.

I wrap in a towel and run a brush through my hair. My hair never falls out or breaks, but it can tangle. I forgot to bring in something to wear, and I step out into the bedroom, clutching the towel. He's waiting just a few feet from the bathroom door.

"Are you okay?" He sounds so concerned. I put my hand on his cheek and nod.

"It's just not fair. Why am I here and she's not?" He doesn't even ask questions, he just wraps me in his arms and holds me tight.

"Aw Bella, you can't let yourself think like that. You know if things were reversed, she'd say the same thing about you. We just have to learn to accept the way things are, and go on from here. Come on now, no crying." He kisses my forehead and holds me at arms length.

"Trust me, I'm not crying." I state flatly.

"I meant in here." He taps my chest, just above the towel. He angles his head to look me in the eyes. "Come on, you don't know how long we could be stuck here, and if you get me depressed, I just might start to sing old funeral dirges." His teasing makes me smile.

"I need to put something on. It's your turn... I mean for the shower."

"Okay. No sad thoughts while I'm out?"

"I can't promise anything."

"You have been warned." He backs away, clears his throat dramatically, and starts singing "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" at the top of his lungs. It's so bad, I know he's making a real effort to murder the song.

"Okay, I promise! I can't cover both ears or I'll lose my towel."

He doesn't stop, and I burst out laughing when he makes up new lyrics. "I looked over Georgia and what did I see? Coming for to scarey me home. A band of rednecks coming after me Coming for to bury me bones"

"Stop caterwauling and go take a shower!" I turn my back on him in search of clothes, and he laughs as he disappears into the bathroom. I wait until I hear the water running before I relinquish my towel, since there's no private place to change. It shames me when I think that he's already seen me naked. Just since this morning I now care about that.

I take a mental inventory: I care about my modesty, I can still laugh, I can now surf, I don't have to think about Edward every moment, and I'm a grandma again. I smile at that last one. Ness has a baby boy. She's such a good mother for one so young. I really have missed a lot – I've only seen Sarah a couple times since she was born, and she's now two. I suddenly find I want to go back and see them. I'm ready to go home.