Chapter 8

Emotional Abuse

His words suck the air from my lungs and I scramble away from him. I'm on my feet, angrily facing him, and I'm overwhelmed with feelings of shock and hurt that border on betrayal.

"That's sick! You're my father-in-law for godsakes!" He groans and rubs his hands over his face before his fingers comb through his hair, pushing it back from his eyes.

"Bella... " He looks at me as if he's angry. "Damn! That's not what I mean..." He stands and comes my way in one quick, fluid move, but I back away from him. I feel so shocked at how things have turned out.

"How could you say all those things about him, and then come on to me? I'm not like that. I don't know what you expect from me, but just because I'm alone with you doesn't mean I'm going to..." I run out of words before I run out of thoughts, and I imagine for just a second what he might have expected from me. Human Bella would have blushed bright red, but I can only glare in confusion.

We stare at each other for long moments, from opposite ends of the coffee table. "Are you finished yet Bella?" He rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "You've misunderstood me." He's not shouting, in fact his calm is like a counterpoint to my agitation. "I'm not making a pass at you, Bella. When I say I love you, it has nothing to do with having sex with you. It has nothing to do with being your father-in-law either." He releases a deep breath, and his shoulders sag.

"You do realize those are just roles we played, right? I tried to tell you Esme never thought of Edward as a child, and neither did I. Ultimately I was the one in charge of our family – and we were...we are a family – not a coven. But we're not a human family, and mother, father, sister, brother, and in-laws are all just roles we played to blend in with human society. I thought you understood that. We're all adults, and we're equals. "

I'm sure that logic worked for him. But I married Edward, and we had a child, and we lived as a family, just like humans. They were more than roles to me.

"Bella, I do love you. I loved Edward, and Emmett, and... I adored Esme. I love Alice, Jasper, and Rosalie too. We shared our lives, all of us, and I couldn't do that without loving you. I don't mean that lightly. You are all written on who I am. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you; I would kill for you, and I would die for you." He looks so earnest, I feel my anger and anxiety drain out of me.

"We didn't hold our family together with imaginary roles, we held it together with love. That's why when other vampires can't stand to be in the same city with each other without gearing up for a war, we can live under the same roof."

I feel a little silly for my outburst. "So, you love me the same as Alice and Jasper?"

"Of course not." His smile makes me feel like I'm missing something. "I couldn't love you like Alice, because you're Bella." He closes the distance between us, and reaches out to touch my face, letting the back of his hand caress my cheek.

"I remember you as a human, Bella. I first saw you when you were in the hospital, and Edward was already infatuated with you. I started to see you through his eyes almost immediately. He'd been alone for so long... it was almost too much to hope that he might have found someone to put an end to that." His eyes have that faraway look of remembrance.

"I thought you all loved each other – why would he be lonely?" I'm not successful at keeping the sarcasm out of my voice.

He smiles. "Now you're being deliberately obtuse. Edward had never had a loving and intimate relationship. I could love him enough to lay down my life for him. But when he needed physical comfort and companionship, that obviously wasn't going to be me. The rest of us were lucky in that we each had someone within our family we could connect with on that personal and intimate level. Up until he met you, Edward had never shared that bond." He sighs and slides his fingers through his hair.

"Ah Bella, you were so painfully human, and so very very young. I worried about Edward when he showed interest in you. And he also told me that you were his..."

"Yeah I know, I was his singer." I don't use the Italian phrase, even though I know it.

He laughs. "That's such a stupid way to put it. It makes it sound romantic or as if fate has created the perfect human food and we have no choice but to consume them. When Edward told me this, I was adamant that he resist you. I told him it was not inevitable that he feed on you. I told him that you were his perfect opportunity to prove once and for all that his vampire nature did not control him."

"Do you know how bad that could have backfired? I was a total klutz." He smiles at my incredulous look.

"I knew Edward. Ever since he'd fed on humans, he'd been looking for some way to redeem himself – some way to prove he was redeemable. You gave him that opportunity. He wasn't going to mess that up, no matter how good you might taste or smell. Once he drew that conclusion, you were as safe with him as you would be in your mother's arms – only more. When he saved you from getting hit by the van at your school, I knew he would never feed on you. He just needed to learn it." I gape at him. I never knew he had so much to do with the way Edward treated me.

"Did his 'infatuation' with me start because of my blood?" I'd never asked Edward these things. In some ways I really didn't want to know what first drew him to me.

"No. Your blood actually made it more difficult for him to see you as a young woman. It may not be fair to say it, but it was your shield that drew him. It was your complete mental silence."

"I thought so. He told me how hard it was to live with so many minds blaring at him all the time. I'm sure I was a quiet respite..."

"Not really. I mean maybe just a little, but I think you're missing the truth. Edward knew how to deal with all the minds, long before he met you. What I meant was, it drew him that he couldn't read you. Every other girl he met had thoughts that were as transparent as glass. He didn't have to get to know them. He didn't have to listen or learn their cues. It's a powerful ability to know what someone thinks of you when you first meet them. He'd never found anyone he wanted to take a chance on, because he knew them so intimately before he even said hello."

It makes sense. But I can still remember when he told me he couldn't read my mind, and I thought it meant I was somehow deformed. "So, if he could have read my mind, he would have passed me by without a second glance."

Carlisle laughs and shakes his head. "Bella, do you ever look at yourself objectively? I remember the first time he talked to me about you, he was just overflowing with images and questions and excitement. He was worried about your scent..." He smiles at the thought. "... he called you 'mouthwatering.' He was overwhelmed with the thoughts of you he read in everyone else's mind. Within a week you were the most coveted young woman in Forks High. He loved the glimpses of you he read in everyone's thoughts. You weren't just different in that he couldn't read you, you were different in your behavior. You were shy, demure, unpretentious, and selfless. You were the opposite of so many girls your age."

"I was a doormat with low self-esteem – he found that attractive?" He laughs, then carefully puts his arms around me. I don't feel comfortable enough to relax.

"I'll grant you the low self-esteem. Bella, you have always been a beautiful, charming, sweet, compassionate, discerning, young woman. Edward couldn't resist your qualities, and I'm so glad you were everything he told us you were."

"If I was all that, then why did all of you leave me?" It's a question I always wanted to ask but I was too afraid. It wasn't just that Edward left me in some crazy effort to protect me and give me a normal life I never asked for, but he took them all with him. And they went.

His arms drop away from me as he sighs. "That was probably one of the biggest mistakes we ever made." He begins to pace, and he absently shoves his fingers through his hair. "When you cut yourself and Jasper tried to attack you... it scared us all. Edward's overreaction didn't help either. We talked about ways to make sure it didn't happen again.

"Jasper felt terrible that he lost control so easily, but it really wasn't his fault. We wouldn't have had him go to high school if we thought he had so little control. But in our home, and with his family he relaxed his guard. Edward never did. When he was with you, controlling his thirst was always on his mind. Especially after the incident in Arizona..."

"That's another question; why did you want Edward to suck out the venom, when you have better control?"

"I can't believe it's taken you so long to ask." He laughs briefly then smiles. "I quite possibly would have killed you. Don't get me wrong, I can resist the smell and the feel, and the presence of blood. I could bathe in it if I chose. But the taste... " He closes his eyes like he remembers something sublime. "Now that's another story. I've tasted human four times – and all four times I almost lost control and killed them. If I wasn't so attuned to a struggling heartbeat, I know I wouldn't be able to stop. I knew it was a risk for Edward to do it, but I could stop him much easier than I could stop myself."

He looks right at me and smiles. "You may have been Edward's singer, but you were almost as tempting to the rest of us as well. Once Edward had tasted your blood, it was even more difficult for him to resist you. He had such a strong will, but the taking of human lives all those years ago had increased the likelihood that he could slip. He knew that if I hadn't stopped him, he would have killed you in Arizona."

"I don't believe that. He just wouldn't..."

"Bella, you didn't see the look on his face – I did. If I hadn't had the authority over him, he would have fought to finish you. He didn't stop to save your life, he stopped because I commanded him to stop. And the worst thing is, he knew it."

He's pacing again. "We all tried to pretend that Arizona was a fluke – a once in a lifetime event. Not many humans are attacked by vampires and live to tell about it. But your birthday made it clear that you just weren't safe around us – all of us. Edward was trying so hard to control his desire for you, and it just telegraphed a message to Jasper about how tempting you really were. Jasper just didn't have the kind of control Edward had – maybe he never will. That little drop of blood was like the snapping of a rubber band pulled too tight. Edward's protectiveness put you in even more danger. Just like when he tried to protect you from James.

"I remember all that. But it was just an accident. I had accidents all the time."

"I know. That was part of the problem. We had to come up with a way to keep you safe, at least from us. Edward suggested he should leave, but then Emmett made a crack to Jasper about having you over for lunch the day after. He was just trying to be funny, but Edward saw that he would be leaving you in the presence of at least two dangerous vampires. He suggested that we all leave, and remove all temptation." He shrugs and shakes his head sadly.

"I still don't know why you all agreed. Alice was my best friend, Esme was like a mother to me, and you never would have hurt me. I was so lost and alone... I thought I was going crazy and I'd only imagined you existed in the first place. It was so sudden, and I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye, or disagree, or... anything." My memory isn't as clear when it comes to my human years, but those days are etched so deep I know I'll never forget.

"I felt like I'd been found undesirable and tossed side. I never felt so unloved and worthless in my whole life. My heart wasn't just broken, it felt like it was torn out. I wanted to die. I sat in my room for weeks, just hoping that I could waste away."

"Okay, I've heard enough, you can stop it now." He looks angry and I don't know why. "It was a mistake for us to leave you like that. But I'm well aware of how you grieve Bella, I don't need a rundown of how you moped around for months and walked the edge of suicide. You haven't changed all that much since you were eighteen. You're still willing to pin all your happiness on someone else. You still want to throw the worlds longest pity party just so you don't have to let go and move on. And for some reason you still want to believe you're nothing without Edward Cullen."

"I loved him Carlisle, don't you get it?" I hear my voice raise. "When he left me, it was so hard because he told me he didn't want me. He played on all my doubts and insecurities and made it seem like I wasn't good enough. He didn't just leave to protect me, he broke me. He left me in the woods like he didn't even care. Don't you see, he's been protecting me to death since the day we met!" All the pain of those days makes me shout.

"Why did everything have to be done his way? Why didn't he just tell me? Why did he take the choice away from me? I mean you want to talk about patterns, he did the same thing to me two years ago that he did when I was eighteen." I feel more grief well up within me.

"I may not have been able to save him but maybe I could have said goodbye. Even up til the end he put protecting me above respecting me. I had a right to know, Carlisle. Why did he always fall back on treating me like a child?"

"It's what he knew. Bella, none of us are perfect. And no matter how long we live or how many new experiences we have, we are still just the sum of our experiences and memories. Edward was a nineteen-eighteen boy. Women weren't equals to men, and a real man was a provider and protector. Just because he lived through suffrage and women's liberation, doesn't mean he actually adopted the beliefs."

I feel emotionally wrung out, and I sit back down.

"Bella, you're the youngest of us. We are all much older than women's rights and equality between the sexes. When Edward suggested we leave in order to keep you safe, we went along with it. I really didn't know how he planned to handle it with you. I had my hands full with my patients. I thought the plan was to leave so you'd be safe, I didn't realize he also intended for you to forget him and move on. I would have warned him against that, since it's foolish to try to change or control other people. We shouldn't have gone like that. I'm sorry."

He sits next to me. "I don't think I've thanked you enough for saving him in Volterra. You truly showed what you were made of, to risk so much for someone who hurt you so badly."

"It didn't matter that he hurt me, I loved him."

"But it should matter. I mean I'm glad you didn't let him get himself killed, but you took him back after what he did. You didn't even make him explain or prove himself – he would have done that for you." He sighs and seems to deflate a little. "You know, for all the equality and rights women have these days, it surprises me how little they require of men."

"But I loved him, and I knew he loved me." I made the right choice, and I don't understand why he wants me to second guess it now.

"Bella, I know everything worked out for you. Edward was a good man, and he loved you very deeply. But love is not an excuse to let someone get away with hurting you." He sighs. "Maybe I'm not talking about Edward and you. But I see it so often in the hospital. I get at least one woman a week. They come in all bruised and bloodied, usually with a broken nose, or ribs. And then they try to tell me they fell down the stairs, when what it really looks like is that they've tangled with an angry gorilla. I recognize the signs of abuse almost before they open their mouths. " He looks over at me like his words should mean something to me.

"Bella, it's not their injuries I recognize, so much as their look. They look ashamed, and they act like they're not even worth the time it's going to take me to stitch up their cuts and set their broken bones. They've put all their self worth in the hands of someone who hurt them. Then when I confront them about telling the police they've been abused, so often they beg me not to make the report. They claim it was their own fault for pushing him too far. I have lost track of the number of sad little eyes that look up at me and plead... 'but I love him!'

"Edward never hurt me like that, Carlisle." I can't believe he's even suggesting that Edward is in the same universe as the men who batter their wives and girlfriends.

"I know that. But if he did, you would have taken it. You said yourself it felt like he ripped your heart out. How is that any better than a broken arm? Emotional abuse is still abuse. All I can say is it's a good thing Edward demanded more of himself, because you never did."

"Why do you want me to doubt him? He wasn't like that Carlisle."

"I'm not talking about Edward, I'm talking about you. You're still eighteen in the way you see yourself. You've got your whole self-worth tied up with him, and it's not right. You are more than Edward's widow and Renesmee's mother. Under all those labels, you're still Bella, and you need to realize Bella deserves to live and be treated with dignity. Bella is a pretty special young woman, even without Edward and Renesmee." His eyes blaze with an intensity that surprises me.

"Bella, I'm glad you have a connection to this world through Ness. But she's not enough to pin all your hopes on. Don't make her bear the responsibility for keeping you in this world. You need to see you have value in just being who you are. Edward saw that. In fact everyone around you can see it, but you."

"It wasn't enough to keep you from hitting me." I can hardly believe I've spoken the words out loud, but my small voice jolts him. With his elbows on his knees, he leans forward and holds his head in his hands. He's quiet for a long time.

"I've never done that before. Never." He doesn't look at me. "I wish I could say I knew it wouldn't hurt you, but I wasn't even thinking about that. I don't even know how to apologize, and I'm certainly not asking you to forgive me." His fingers furrow into his hair and clutch it in handfuls. He groans from somewhere deep inside him.

"Esme... Esme was abused." His voice is small and hesitant. "It started when she was young, and her parents applied their corporal punishment with a strong arm. They didn't spank, they whipped, and left welts behind. It was common in those days. When she married, the authority to beat her naturally transferred to her husband. She didn't stand up for herself, she learned to placate him. She did everything he expected of her, and she suffered the beatings in silence."

He looks at me and I can see the pain in his eyes. "She told me about some of the worst episodes, and I wonder that she survived as long as she did. When she became pregnant, she hid her condition as long as she could. Even in those days there were remedies to make a woman miscarry, and she knew he would force her to lose the baby. He didn't want her to get fat." He snarls at the word.

"When he found out, and it was too late to force a miscarriage, he beat the daylights out of her. He tried to destroy the baby within her, and she curled her body around it and took every kick and every blow without defending herself. He left her to die there and fled." I can feel his anger, like a fire deep inside him.

"Fortunately he didn't return to make sure he'd actually killed her. She recovered from her injuries, but the baby still came too early. He had landed a few kicks that twisted her uterus inside her. The birth was hard, and the midwife who came to deliver her baby did all she could. Her baby was just under four pounds, and she held him in her arms the whole day he lived. Of course you know if she could have had him in a hospital today, he would have been fine." It almost sounds like he blames himself.

"The midwife told her she probably shouldn't have any more babies because the next one would probably kill her. When her son died in her arms, she felt her whole reason for living died with him. She tucked him into his cradle as if he were sleeping.

"That part of Ohio doesn't really have cliffs, but strip mining started in nineteen fourteen, and her husband had worked at a site she knew. She took a horse and buggy to the top and set the horse free – she knew exactly what she was doing." He stops talking for a long while.

"I know she tried to kill herself." I say the words so he doesn't have to. It was one of those things she mentioned once, then never again. I feel so sorry for her.

"Not exactly. She didn't want to die, so much as she was trying to be with her son. She said she couldn't use a knife or a gun because they terrified her – her husband threatened her often with them. She was afraid poison would be too slow. She thought about hanging, but she didn't know how to tie a noose. She just knew she wanted to be in heaven with her baby." He looks over and his eyes lock onto mine.

"She told me she took a running leap into the pit. It was still a working mine, so they had pumps set up to keep the water out. She landed in a pile of loose gravel that broke enough of her fall, so she didn't die instantly. There were men working in the mine, so she knew she would be found quickly. She had a fear of being eaten by animals." His lips twist up at this.

"After she was changed, there was a lot more to healing Esme than just her body. She didn't trust me. In fact she probably trusted Edward more since he still looked like a boy. Every time I would move quick, she would flinch. If my voice raised, she would cower in fear. Even watching us hunt frightened her. We had to go separately, and I would watch over her from a distance." He's so caught up in his memories he doesn't really see me.

"A couple weeks after her change, she became convinced that her baby was still alive. She could swear she heard him crying in the night. She wouldn't be placated in any way, and finally we went in the night and dug up the baby's grave. It convinced her, and we left Ohio that week."

I try to put a comforting hand on his shoulder, but he pulls away. "I could never even think about hitting a woman. I've only hit one man in all my three hundred and fifty years. Bella, I am more sorry than you can imagine. I don't have an excuse, but just hearing you demand that I put an end to you... after everything I've seen, and after being so worried about you, I lost control. I don't ever lose control."

"You didn't really hurt me..."

"Yes I did." He interrupts. "I saw the look on your face. For just a second you were afraid, and you didn't trust me. That's not who I choose to be, and I cannot ever allow myself to lose control again." He stands and begins to pace again. This is a side of Carlisle I've never seen, tense and emotional.

"Is it so hard to control the impulse to hit me?" I know I should feel angry, but instead I feel... sad and bewildered.

He turns and stares at me in shock. "Oh god no! Bella. I... I never..." He rushes to sit beside me and hugs me tight. "No dear girl, no. I have never had the slightest impulse to strike you. You're precious to me." He pulls away to meet my eyes. "It wasn't your fault; I'm the one to blame." He exhales loudly and his shoulders sag.

"It's been so hard these last two years. There's been so much needless death, pain, suffering, and sorrow. I've been working so hard to patch together some kind of peace, and keep all the different factions from splintering or trying to kill one another... " His eyes bore into mine.

"This island has always been a refuge to me. I guess I just didn't expect to find you here trying to starve yourself to death." He looks away and squeezes his eyes shut for a second. "I feel responsible for you. I knew you wanted to be left alone, but I feel like I let you down. You shouldn't have had so much time to drown in your grief. I've been fighting so hard for everyone else, and I neglected my own family."

"My sadness isn't your fault. You don't have to be responsible for me."

"I don't have to, I want to. What good is it to have family if they abandon you when you need them. I promised myself I would never do that to you again. I lost track of time. It just felt like everything had been piling up on me; the worry, the fear, the responsibility, and all the horrors of the past couple years. To see you so desperate to die, and expecting me to kill you... it was just too much. I'm sorry, I let my anger get the best of me. It won't ever happen again."

"I don't want to die." I say the words before I even think about them, but it's true. "Maybe yesterday I did, but not any more." I wish I knew what's changed, but I'm definitely glad I'm still around. He hugs me tight, and I put my arms around him and rest my head against his shoulder.

"I'm so glad to hear you say that." I feel him sigh.