Chapter 12

Jasper

Back at the house, Jasper and Nahuel rush to help carry in our few packages. Jasper seems surprised we haven't bought more, and Nahuel is happy to see groceries. With empty arms we follow behind them, and Colette puts her arm around my shoulders.

"Thanks for the shopping and the conversations. It's good to have another woman to talk to." We let the men hurry into the house with the bags and take our time.

"Didn't you get to talk to Alice?"

She looks around guiltily. "Alice is hard to talk to. She is sweet, but she's just so... "

"...Flighty?" I supply. "Or maybe you mean she's a little bubbly and frivolous?" I remember how Alice was always ready to shop or throw a party for any reason.

"No... she's a little too serious. She's so dark, she scares me sometimes." Her pretty face looks troubled.

"Alice? You've got to be kidding me." I stare at her to make sure she's not teasing me or being sarcastic.

"I'm sorry, I do not mean to speak ill of her." She turns away and hurries to help put away the groceries.

I take the gifts up to my room to wrap them. I sit on the floor with paper, tape, and scissors. My bracelet twinkles in the light, and the wrapping paper reminds me of the time so long ago when Edward left me over a paper cut. He'd tried so hard to protect me from anything that could hurt me, including himself and his family. In the end I was hurt the most because he couldn't protect himself. I hold the tiny little outfit against me, as the pain and memories wash over me.

Time ceases to matter as I sit, just remembering how painful it was after he'd left. I thought I knew real pain and suffering then, but it was only a shadow of what I feel now that I know he's never coming back. He's never going to get to see his grandson in the outfit I hold. He'll never get to hold Sarah on his lap, or teach her little fingers to play piano.

I'm surprised when he kneels on the floor beside me and puts his arm around my shoulders. Jasper still has the ability to lift my spirits. I lean into him, grateful for the comfort he offers.

He looks at the wrapping paper on the floor and his eyes meet mine. We share a small smile over a memory that's hurt us both.

"How's Alice?" I've been afraid to ask since everyone says she's changed. I also just can't reconcile my friend to the woman who let Edward charge into battle, knowing he would likely die. But I'm not used to seeing Jasper without Alice, and she's sort of the elephant in the room.

"She's... " Even before he finishes his sentence I feel a wave of loneliness from him. "...been very busy." He moves and sits opposite me on the floor. I can see his face is troubled, and he absently helps me wrap the gifts. I can see he's had a lot of experience with it, and I remember the Alice before the war, who loved to give presents.

"Does she call you?" I feel like I'm prying, even though we all used to share so much when we lived together.

"She calls, but it's not the same – she's not the same. I don't like being apart from her." I look up at him and he looks uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."

"I know." I sigh. "I'm trying to get through it... you know? I just want – need – to start living my life again. But I miss him, you know? Sometimes I'll turn to tell him something, and then it hits me again that he's gone. Today at the bookstore, I found myself skimming the titles of his favorite books, and I saw that there was another book released in one of his favorite series. And I reached for it, thinking that he would want to read it...and I just froze there."

He moves to me, and wraps his arms around me tight. I hear his soothing words and feel his hand petting over my hair, but he doesn't try to turn my mood with his talent. I'm glad. Even though he could get me through it, I would miss out on the simple comfort of his strong arms and his willing involvement in my grief. I relax my head against him, and just hold him.

I must be getting better at it, because I'm the one who pulls away. He kisses my forehead softly, and we wear twin smiles of sadness as we stare at each other.

"I can feel your pain, Bella. But that's not all I'm feeling from you now." He sits beside me. "I can feel you're actually excited to see this new baby." I love the soft lilt of his voice, and they way he says 'baby' makes me smile.

"Instead of the pain, you've chosen to feel the excitement, and the joy over the birth." I shrug off his words and he takes my hand firmly in his. His intense eyes delve into mine. "I know what I'm talking about. I've been through grief myself, and more times than you can fathom." His other hand slides his sleeve up his arm, pointedly exposing his scars.

"They may have only been newborns, but I knew them – each and every one. I spent a year with them; trained them, cared for them, taught them, and became the family they were forced to leave behind. Some were forgettable, and some were truly a pain in my backside. But most of them became friends, and some I dearly loved. You might think a year isn't enough time to form a bond with someone, but remember you knew Edward that long when he left you after your disastrous birthday."

I try to gently pull my hand back, but he resists. "I was forced to kill so many; see the betrayal in their eyes and hear their pleas." He looks a thousand miles away, as he stares through me. "They weren't always killed. Just enough of them were spared, that I always had hope. I held onto that hope even up to their final days – then I would get the orders. I was the one they trusted, and so I was the one they sent to take their lives." I've never really heard him tell his story, and like seeing a tragedy unfold, it's impossible to turn away.

"I knew them, and I would separate them from the group, and take them someplace – usually a training ground. I could easily kill them by surprise; a sharp twist of the head would suffice. But because I knew them, I gave them a fighting chance. It was a chance to beat me, and take my place. As you can see, none ever did." He's quiet for a moment, and I hope he's finished.

"There is a part of every living thing, that desperately wantsto keep living. Even those who loved me, or were my friends, would fight me for that improbable chance to live. I did not get bitten by accident, I allowed it. Each bite was a painful reminder of the one I'd lost – the one I'd murdered." His eyes turn back to me, and I can see the agony there.

"Bella, I was an empty shell when I found her. Until Alice, the only comfort I'd known was the feeble physical comfort of coupling. I had friends, but friends were unreliable in my world. Even feeding became increasingly painful, as I could feel their terror and horror as I took their lives. I was mere days away from going to Italy to have the Volturi put an end to me. My crimes would have been all the evidence needed to insure I met a swift death."

I know the horror must register on my face. He pats my hand, and I feel hope radiating from him. "Alice saved me. It's not just that she brought me to the Cullen family, and it's not even about the change in my diet. She was more broken than I was." He lets go of my hand.

"I learned that sometimes you can heal your own pain, by taking on someone else's burden. As tormented as I was by my past, she was... a mess. She would never admit it, but I found her in such a state; she would have been institutionalized again if she were human. She likes to say she was waiting for me – and she was. But she'd become a fixture. She frightened people, and when they tried to make her leave, she showed just enough of her power that they were forced to leave her alone. She knew the moment she saw me, that I was hers.

"I took her away, and I had to clean her up, she was filthy." My jaw drops, and he laughs softly. "You'd never know it now, but she was so ragged and dirty, her clothes fell apart once they were off of her body. I rented us a room in a boarding house, and told the proprietor she was my wife, since I was afraid to leave her alone. She heard me, and assumed the role.

"I had to teach her how to be civilized. She was so wild and unrefined, she was like the proverbial child raised by wolves. I don't know how long she'd been in the asylum, but it was long enough she'd even forgotten part of her name. Years later when she was researching her history, she discovered she was actually Mary Alice.

"She didn't know how to take care of herself, she had no clue about manners, and she would have been pleased to live in her nightgown if I'd have let her. I was raised in a much more genteel manner. I took it upon myself to teach her. But if I'm honest with myself, she was schooling me as I taught her.

"I taught her how to dress like a young lady, and she taught me about childlike trust. I took her to boutiques and shops so she could learn how to use cosmetics, and how to style her hair in the manner of the day. She saw how much it pleased me to purchase things for her, and see her dressed up and elegant. I think it made an impression." He smiles sheepishly.

"Bella, she was a complete innocent about many things. I had to teach her how to blend in with humans, and even how to speak to people. Of course she fed on people then. But she selected her victims based on her visions. She peeked into their future and knew what they would do with their lives. I could pick out those who were walking in hatred and depravity, but she could see who would act on it.

"We did go to find Carlisle and his family. But we didn't go right away. She wasn't ready for people – neither was I. We were in the rooming house for weeks before she wanted to know the purpose of the bed. With no need to sleep, it had become a place to pile her dresses and undergarments. I reminded her that humans mostly sleep in the beds. She surprised me when she uncovered the bed, and laid down, and pretended to sleep.

"Bella, up until then I never even thought of touching her. We may have shared a room, but I was always a gentleman. But she opened her eyes and held her arms out to me, and I just went to her." I gasp as he lets me into a private memory. "Not like that. We didn't make love in the physical sense. But I held her, and I realized I loved her. I didn't even know I was capable of love, but there in that little room and in that old bed, I found my reason to live.

"I went the very next day to buy a ring and apply for a wedding license. I married her two weeks later, in a tiny little country church, with the preacher's family as our only witnesses." He smiles at the memory. "We've been married so many times since then, but I'll never forget the real one. I picked her bouquet from a field outside, and she wore a white dress that didn't flatter her one bit, as it fell from her shoulders to the floor with barely a waistline. She had long hair then, and it was caught up on her head, and her face was hidden under a veil.

"She floated down the aisle toward me, and with a few simple words, I gave her my life."

He stops talking and I can see he's remembering that day. His beautiful face is serious when he looks at me again. "Bella, I know how I feel about her – she's my whole world. In that way, you and I are alike. I knew from the first time Edward brought you to meet us, that you felt that way about him. Your emotions were so familiar, I actually thought about changing you myself."

"I'm glad you didn't. I wouldn't have had our daughter." I smile as I remember our honeymoon nights.

"Bella, you do know can feel that, right? You don't know how thankful I am that your human memories aren't so strong." I force myself to think of Ness.

"I'm sorry. I forgot how hard it is to keep secrets in a family like this."

"Don't be sorry. I'd rather feel the good memories than the painful ones."

"Jasper... what would you have done?" I look at his confused face. "I mean if Alice had died in the war, what would you be doing now?"

"Alice wasn't a target. They wanted her alive, for some reason. But Colette tells me that they would have split us up, and Marcus has a daughter who thought I was coming to Italy to be her mate. But if we won the war, and I lost her, let's just say we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"You would have killed yourself?" I find it shocking to think he would do something so extreme.

"Absolutely. I would have succeeded as well." He pats my arm and shakes his head. "I would have been a fool.. The last two years have been the most fulfilling years of my life. My gift has eased the suffering of so many. How selfish would it have been to take that away from them? In the past two years, I've come to discover that I am more than Alice Whitlock's husband. She is my treasure, without a doubt. But I am learning that Jasper Whitlock is more than just her comfort." He smiles. "Up until the war, that was all I desired. I love that woman deeply, but she is no longer my only reason for living."

I put my arms around him again. "Thank you for sharing." I nod toward the presents we've wrapped. "I have three more reasons I need to consider."

"No Bella, that's where you're wrong." He taps my chest lightly. "You have to have a reason in here. Don't pin your life to them; you'll only weigh them down. This life we have is a gift. You have to learn to use it." He takes my hand and lifts it so my bracelet is before our eyes. "You don't shove a gift in a box and never touch it. And you really can't expect that someone else will treasure it the way you do. Do you really think Nessie want's a constant reminder that her husband loved you first?"

"Oh my god! You're right. Help me take this off, I can't give it to her now." He helps me take it off, but he doesn't hand it to me. He manipulates it in his dexterous hands, then he insists on fastening it onto my wrist again. I hold it up to see he's added another charm.

It's a tiny sliver present, with a bow on the lid. "You're life is a gift, Bella. Take it out of the box and use it."

"What made you think of this?"

"I told you, I still talk to her."

"So this was her idea." I stare at the gift with mixed feelings.

"Not exactly. She knew you were coming home, and she bought it a long time ago. She wanted to give you a reminder of the good times. I of course saw the present, and thought of your horrible birthday. But I carried it in my pocket anyway. When I saw you wearing the bracelet, I knew the perfect time would present itself – and it has."

"Thank you. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do with it." I look at the little bracelet with the three charms. "And thanks for sharing your story. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you before."

He helps me up from the floor, ever the gentleman, and our eyes meet. "Not many can imagine, but I think you can. You love with your whole heart, passionately and completely. That's a good thing Bella, and it's a rare gift." He kisses my cheek, and steps out as quietly as he came.

I look across the hall, and Carlisle's door is open. I peek in, but he's not there. I'm tempted to wander through it while he's gone, but it just doesn't feel right. I lean against the doorway and look at the room as a whole. It's as masculine as mine is feminine. I can see some of Esme's paintings on the walls, as well as one of Huilen's rugs. Something catches my eye, and I step in to get a closer look.

It's a baseball and bat mounted on the wall. My mind drifts back to the game I'd witnessed way back before I was changed. It was my first glimpse of "real" vampires. For all the certainty I'd had that Edward and even his family wouldn't hurt me, I knew instinctively that those three would kill me without a second thought. Again, it was Edward's over protectiveness that almost cost me everything.

I'm not prepared for the anger that bubbles up from somewhere dark and hidden inside me. I feel such helpless rage that so many of my memories of him are tainted with his obsessive need to keep me in a bubble. If they had just stood their ground that day, it was seven against three. I wouldn't have had to run to Arizona. I wouldn't have had to face Laurant in the clearing. And I wouldn't have ever found myself in a tent on a cold night, letting Jacob Black keep me warm.

I feel such anger at the thought of all I went through because he ran with me, instead of facing down James then and there. I remember how awful it had been to break my dad's heart and tell him I couldn't stand to stay in Forks one more minute. I remember the fear as we'd fled, and I remember the horror as I took the phone call and believed my mother was going to be murdered. And all for some sick game of cat and mouse.

Once again I wonder, why he didn't just let James change me. James merely bit me, it was Edward who nearly sucked me dry in his effort to preserve my precious humanity. At the time, we had no clue that we could have a child if I remained human. I still don't understand why it was so important to him that I remained human. Every time the subject came up he talked about monsters and souls. Even today, I still want to scream that it was too late to worry about my soul. It was already inextricably tied to his.

I'd secretly believed he didn't want me. I mean I knew he wanted me at the time, but I really did wonder if he was just playing with me. I loved him so completely, I accepted that some day he would lose interest in me, and he didn't want to change me so he wouldn't have to deal with me going forward into his forever.

And then he did leave. Like a horrifying self-fulfilling prophesy worthy of Alice, he left. He abandoned me in the woods. Maybe if he'd left me in my nice, safe living room I might have connected the dots and held out hope that he was just protecting me. But after all the times he'd admonished me about the dangers of the woods, he left me there. He left me someplace where he knew I wasn't safe. I knew he didn't love me, if protecting me was no longer important to him.

I'd felt that it was the reason he wouldn't change me. A changed Bella could have followed after him, but a human Bella could just die in the woods and free him. I had been so eager to take him back – so eager to restore our relationship – that I never brought up how much he hurt me. If not for Jacob, he never would have known.

But now all these years later, I realize he had to have known. Why else would he so quick to think I killed myself? He had to have known the pain his leaving caused me. It still angers me that he valued my humanity so much more than he valued me. If he was really afraid of losing me, he should have changed me.

It's not right that I blame him, when he's not here to defend himself. But I want one more chance to confront the Edward who thought he was a soulless monster. I have to wonder if that's what lead him to his death – even more than protecting our daughter and our family. Did he sacrifice himself to gain favor with God?

"We used to have some good games." He startles me when he comes up behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder. I'd been so lost in my own thoughts I didn't even hear him.

"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be in your room."

"It's okay, the door's open for a reason." He takes the bat from the wall to show me. "Edward suggested we play baseball, but it was really Emmett's game. This was his bat." He shows me the writing on it. "He wrote down every baseball record, and who had achieved it. Then he broke every one, and wrote the new stats. on here. None of us could really top him, so as far as I know, he still holds those records." Carlisle smiles as he reverently hangs the bat.

"Why didn't you fight James?" The question is out before I even think about it, and I'm afraid to look at him. "I mean if he clearly wanted to kill me, why not stop him right there, when you still had the home field advantage." I laugh bitterly.

"It was a mistake." He's quiet for a while, as he rubs my shoulder. "Most of our kind looked down on us because of our animal diet. Most vampires spend a certain amount of time coming to terms with the idea that they're killers, and they rationalize it in different ways. When they get to the point where they can travel, and indiscriminately kill, they really have lost all their conscience and humanity. Most vampires have done just that. Jasper is unusual, in that he came back from that extreme.

"For us to stay and fight them would have put us in that category. We would have to fight them on their terms, and by their rules. You've seen how fast vampire wars are fought. There is no taking of prisoners or declaring a truce. It's about killing your enemies." He sighs. "If I had it to do it all over again, there's no doubt in my mind we would fight. But at the time I was thinking of how it would look during our trial, if we ended three vampires to save one human girl." I turn to look at him questioningly.

"Oh yes, there would have been a trial. Some vampire rivalries have raged for centuries, so the Volturi would have taken immediate steps to insure a new one didn't start."

"There were only three of them..."

"But they were red eyes. Any other wandering nomads who knew them, could decide to take up their cause. If we start killing other vampires because they feed on humans, we're going against all of them. You were special to us Bella, but to any other vampire, you were truly just a snack. Teenage girls run away from home all the time, and their bodies are found in ditches, in the woods, in shallow graves, and anywhere else you might toss a candy wrapper."

His words chill me. I can't help but think of all those "Have you seen me?" posters, fliers, and milk cartons. Now I'm wondering how many of those faces end up as vampire food. It makes me angry that a child could be born, raised, and live for seventeen years as in my case, and wind up as one meal for a hungry vampire. Just knowing there is a better way, makes me glad James, Victoria, and Laurant are all dead. When I was in Volterra I saw the beginning of their feeding frenzy, and it just sickens me to think that they don't have to be like that. Carlisle's way is so much better.

"I still wish you'd killed them all sooner." I think of all the Seattle teenagers who were turned or killed for Victoria's war. I think of all the Quileutes who became wolves, and I think about Irina's bitterness over Laurant, which lead her to report our daughter, and lead to the confrontation with the Volturi. It all goes back to that first meeting on the baseball field, and a hasty decision to run away rather than fight.

He wraps his arms around me from behind, and holds me close to him. His voice is soft next to my ear. "So do I." I feel his breath against my cheek. "I don't want to be a murderer, but if it meant saving you, I would have put them all in the ground."

His words surprise me more than his closeness. Carlisle has always been a pacifist, and a healer. I turn in his arms and face him. "Why me? Why would you compromise your values for me?" His eyes are troubled, then he looks away from me. "I told you, you're special to us... to me. Some things are worth taking a stand and fighting for. The war taught me that." He sighs and looks down at me.

"Bella, I try so hard to uphold my human ideals and values. But I'm not human, and sometimes I forget that. I've lived with the Volturi, and I understood the reasons behind the laws and the discipline, even if I didn't agree with all of them. I knew to choose a human over our own kind was breaking the law. So when Edward took you and ran, I supported his decision. I didn't know the consequences could reach so far."

"I'm sorry... I shouldn't hold it against you. I mean I don't. I just can't help but think how much simpler my life would have been if they'd never wandered into that clearing that day. What if I had just stayed home?"

"You know it's useless to examine the past. But for argument's sake, let's say you stayed home. James was at least a hundred years old, since Alice was his singer when she was human. He probably would still be living, as would his coven. Three vampires, traveling across the country for twelve years. Let's say they feed every three days – since they share their victims. But let's even give them some credit for more restraint, and say they feed every six days, which is not likely. Over twelve years, they would have killed seven hundred and thirty people. If you stayed home."

It shocks me when I hear the numbers. No wonder James was so casual at the thought of snacking on me. He must have killed thousands before.

"I'm sorry... I don't mean to only be worried about myself."

"Well, a few good things did come out of our dealings with James and his coven." I feel the stunned look on my face. "When he bit you, I think it acted a bit like a vaccination. When you were turned, you didn't have the same newborn lusts we all suffered. You didn't have to spend time away learning how to control yourself. It could have been because you wanted the change, but I really think it's because of the bite. Your body had time to get used to the venom."

"Okay, so what other good things happened?"

"The wolves manifested because of the threat of Victoria's newborn army. I know they don't see it as a good thing, but I think they're wrong. There are Native Americans all over this continent, and very few are doing better than the Quileutes. They're still very strong, they've got their own lands, and their people are not abandoning their old customs and moving away. They still have a lot of poverty to deal with, but even that's turning around since they built the resort. The wolf pack keeps them strong and united.

"And I hate to say it, but if Jacob hadn't wanted to stick around and protect you, he might have run off and your daughter never would have met him." I sigh, feeling like I'm not even entitled to my anger.

"How long did it take you to come up with all those reasons?"

"About five years." He smiles down at me. "I felt a lot of guilt over the way things played out. I had to step back and look at everything as a whole, before I felt like I actually did things right."

"How long will it take you to put a positive spin on the war?"

"Aw Bella." He groans and wraps me in his arms and holds me close. I put my arms around him and rest my head against his chest. I wish I had just a little bit of his optimistic outlook.

It feels good when he holds me, but I feel guilty for sending mixed messages. I wish it was acceptable for us to always hold one another like this. I snuggle against him, and feel him kiss the top of my head. When he pulls away, I'm reluctant to let him go. He looks me in the eyes, and I can see questions and indecision. He steps away, and I look at the floor, feeling guilty and disappointed. I hear the door close and look up.

He pulls me into his arms, and holds me tight. I look up at him and his eyes meet mine. I see the longing clearly in his intense gaze. My mouth opens in response, and he lowers his face slowly. I stretch up to meet him, and our lips touch. My eyes drift closed as I savor his gentle kiss, then he pulls back.

"Look at me, Bella." He's so close when I open my eyes. He puts his hand on my cheek. "I want you." His eyes squeeze shut for a moment. "I can't stop thinking about you. I went on my nature walk today, and you were on my mind the whole way. I came in and found you here, and for just a moment I wished I had a bed in my room." I gasp at his revelation.

"I know what I said, about falling in love and committing. I still want that – in fact I need that. But I want it with you, Bella." He stops to let his words sink in, and all I can do is stare at him. I feel a strange surreal tingling in my body, and he kisses me again. I'm caught between feeling like I should pull back, and wanting to press forward.

My body decides for me, and my arms wrap around his neck, and pull him to me. I want him, there's no doubt about it. But I have no idea what that means to our future. I feel his tongue touch my lips, and mine part to welcome him. I'm lost in his kiss, in the feel of him, the taste of him, our hands holding and grasping each other,, and feeling the silk of his hair through my fingers.

I know he's Carlisle, and I'm not deluding myself. He's just unmistakably different. His height, his taste, his smell, and the way he moves and feels in my arms, are all different. I want him. I'm pressed snugly against him, and I can feel his arousal, and I like it. I know my body is answering him in a similar way, and I want more.

His lips move from mine, and he kisses down my throat, and I moan. He kisses around to my ear and whispers; "I want to touch you... can I touch you, Bella?"

I know he's not talking about an innocent touch. "Yes please..." He pauses, then his lips take possession of mine again. My head is swimming, and I would certainly fall down if he weren't holding me so tight. His hand over my shirt, caresses my breast. I moan into his mouth, and he squeezes.

I feel like I'm going to go crazy with the feel of his hand on me, I want it so much. Then I feel his other hand sliding up under my shirt, and caressing over my bare back. My eyes open wide and I break free of his mouth as I gasp. We stare at each other, and I can see he's as overwhelmed and confused as I am.

"Carlisle please..." With my fingers in his hair I pull him to me, and my other hand wraps around his waist. "I want this with you." I might feel guilt later, but right now I feel nothing but need.

He stares down at me for a second longer, then his mouth devours mine. I cling to him and his hands resume their touching, both the gentle fondling through my clothes, and the one beneath my shirt. I love the feel of his hand gliding over my bare skin, and my attention is so divided I can't even think. He kisses me with passion and hunger, and I am so carried away, I can't stop.

And then he stops.

"We're about to have company." He quickly reaches behind me and fastens my bra, though I don't remember him unfastening it. He runs his fingers through his hair, setting it straight, and there's a tap at the door.

He steps away from me, and I collapse into a chair. "Come in Colette."

She breezes through the door with a smile on her face. "I'm glad you're back, Carlisle!" She wraps her arms around him and kisses his cheek excitedly. I've been baking bread this afternoon, and..." Her eyes alight on me. "...oh, I didn't know you were there, Bella." She looks between us and I'm glad I can't blush.

"I was talking to Bella about my nature walks." He turns and looks at me. "I've found an eagles nest, about a mile away."

"That sounds exciting! Maybe I'll go with you next time, and you can show it to me." She sounds delighted, and she puts her arm around him. "As I was saying, I've been baking bread, and I thought maybe we can take some with us tomorrow when we visit LaPush!"

I'm trying to follow what she's saying, but all that registers is the way she has her arm around him, and the way she leans against him. The mention of LaPush gets my attention, and I'm wondering why she'll be going with us to see my daughter and my grandchildren. I sit and simmer while she goes on about books she has for the children. Then she asks if we'll be leaving for Italy from the U.S., or will we be coming back home first. She doesn't even trip over the word when she says 'home.' This is her home.

Carlisle patiently answers all of her questions, while she holds on to him and gives him her undivided attention. To even a blind man it would be obvious she's interested in him. Her mannerisms are clear – her home and her man. I sit quietly in a chair and wonder if I'm just feeling uncomfortable, or do I really feel jealous, as I wish she would just go away.

"Oh Bella, I forgot to tell you, Huilen wants to show you something she made for Renesmee. I think she is in her room now, if you want to see it." It's apparent she wants me gone so she can be alone with him. I look at her, and wonder if he likes her attentions. She's a very pretty girl, and it's obvious our talk hasn't changed her mind about pursuing him.

I stand and step toward the door. He meets my eyes, and I can tell he doesn't want me to go.

"Bella, I still need to talk to you."

I smile and shrug my shoulders. "It doesn't seem to be a good time right now." Colette waves as I slip out the door.

Across the hall, I find I'm close enough to hear her giggle and her french accent, so I leave and head downstairs. Huilen does want to show me what she's been working on for Ness, and I pass through the kitchen, with it's smells of baking bread and strawberry preserves. It doesn't smell good to me anymore, but it does bring back memories.

Huilen has been weaving blankets for both of my grandchildren's rooms. She tells me that Sarah likes bright colors, and she's woven hers in bright rainbow colors.

I have no idea what to do with myself, so I ask her if she could teach me how to weave. I'm sure a human wouldn't be able to follow her nimble fingers as they work the weaving loom. Lifting the heddles to create the shed and passing the shuttle through to create the weft. I watch her intently as she explains how each part of the loom works. When she offers her seat so I can try, I'm delighted at how easy it is to weave the fabric. While I work on the woven fabric, she works on an antique frame to weave a rug.

I hear Colette before she peeks into the room. "Goodnight Huilen – Bella. I'll see you bright and early tomorrow. She disappears down the hallway. I sit back down and weave a few more rows, glad to have the distraction at least for my hands.

I don't realize it, but an hour passes as I think and weave. When I finally stop, I'm surprised that my thoughts have all been on Carlisle, not the war, and not Edward. I feel guilty as I thank Huilen and kiss her cheek before I slowly head to my room.

His door is closed, and I step into my room and close the door. With no need to sleep, there's really no need to confine myself to my room, but with people in the house who need to sleep, it feels more respectful not to be roaming around or causing a disturbance. I pull a book from the shelf that I haven't read yet, and settle onto the daybed. I'm only on the second chapter when there's a tap on the door.

He steps in, looking almost as guilty as I felt earlier. "I'm sorry about what happened earlier, Bella." I set the book aside, and sit up straight. "Colette is... fragile. Not physically mind you, but emotionally she's very tender."

"I know. I had a chance to talk to her today, and she's got some very strange ideas." He comes further into the room. "I don't know what to say... I don't know whether to be upset or thankful we were interrupted." He stares at me, and I remember what his kisses felt like, and what his hands were doing. I look down into my lap.

"I think I'm thankful and disappointed." I hang on his words as I look up at him. He still hasn't come close enough to sit with me, or even touch me. "I wanted to make love to you – I still do. When I'm holding you, and kissing you, and touching you, I lose all sense of reason. I'm not used to that at all. He turns and paces away, before coming toward me again. He looks agitated, and he talks with his hands

"Physically I just want you so much. I feel like I'm just this dumb, overstimulated, teenager." He paces. "I don't know what that's all about. Part of me wants to believe it's just a reaction to being alone, and lonely and having two years worth of pent up urges." He comes close, and stands in front of me.

"I'm not convinced that's all it is." He reaches out and takes my hand. "I meant what I said – I want you. But I know we both need to go slow. There are all kinds of pitfalls and problems I can foresee. Maybe they're too big, and it won't work out." His eyes meet and hold mine. "But I want to try. Will you allow me to court you, Isabella?

I feel foolishly giddy, and nervous, and even terrified. He's waiting on my answer. "Yes," I whisper.