Chapter 13
Carlisle
He smiles, and I'm stunned at how beautiful he is when he turns that rare grin on me. It's like the years, experiences, and responsibilities drop away, and he's just a sweet young man looking at me.
"Just don't call me Isabella – my mom calls me that."
"May I sit with you, Bella?" He smiles playfully.
"You don't have to ask." I pat the space beside me and he sits, leaving space between us. He turns my way and smiles shyly.
"I feel as nervous as a schoolboy." He takes my hand in his. "This is going to sound silly, since we know each other already. But I want to get to know you all over again. Can I call you Izzy?" I scowl and shake my head. I had one friend in middle school who called me that, and I never liked it. "What about your middle name?"
"You want to call me Marie? Why – don't you like Bella?"
"I like it fine. There are just a lot of memories attached to it. I'd like to get to know you, and I just thought having a new name would make it easier."
I look at him, feeling overwhelmed by all the history we've had together. "It doesn't really matter what you call me, I'm still Bella. We do have history, and I think rather than forgetting it, and pretending it doesn't exist, we're going to have to learn to live with it."
He looks down at our hands, with our fingers laced together. "I know you're right. But I also know this is going to be difficult. I really can see you differently, and I think little by little I can get past feeling uncomfortable. If I hadn't known and loved Edward it might be harder. I just can't begrudge him any loving moment or intimacy he shared with you. There was no one else happier for the two of you than I was."
I smile at his honesty. "So, what's your middle name? I think I'm going to have a little more trouble. You've been my doctor, my father-in-law, and my daughter's grandfather, as well as Esme's husband. I understand some of those are just roles you played, but they were real to me. I never looked at you beyond those limitations."
"Elijah." He smiles self-consciously. "My middle name is Elijah – it's Biblical. I got my first name from my father's mentor since it was his last name. He was a vampire hunter too, along with witches, werewolves, and demons. My father hoped I would be just like him. Elijah was an Old Testament prophet who stood up and did what was right, when everyone else took the path of least resistance. I was supposed to be the one who hunted evil, even if it wasn't easy and cost me my life." He laughs. "My father was a bit of a fanatic. I think I was always more like my mother. She was the kindness that made life with him bearable."
"I still can't believe you hunted vampires. We're practically impossible to kill, especially for humans." He chuckles with me.
"We hunted them, but it doesn't mean we actually killed any. My father and his mentor had learned how to track them through their kills. We were actually tracking a small group of newborns, and they were sloppy. My father was old before his time, and he'd left much of the leg work to me. He'd speak to the authorities and find out about suspicious deaths, and then I was the one he sent out in the middle of the night to check the area."
"You weren't afraid of running into something you couldn't handle?" He laughs at my question.
"I was more afraid of my horse twisting an ankle on a dark road. The trouble is, I didn't really believe in all these monsters my father preached against and hunted. Maybe when I was younger I did, but the older I got, the more I saw my life being taken up with his crazy searches.
"I was a minister like he was, but I saw a different life for myself. I imagined being a pastor at a small country church, having a loyal congregation, and marrying a nice young woman who would bear my children. I didn't long for wealth or fame, just a home and a little stability. I thought God's work could be done by christening babies, and performing wedding ceremonies, and eulogizing funerals. Chasing the evils from the pits of Hell was what my father wanted, but I didn't."
"Why didn't you just tell him? I mean, you were a grown man, and as you said, he was old before his time."
"Father was a hard man. I had two sisters and a brother before me, and he'd pinned all his hopes on me. My sisters both went into arranged marriages, and their husbands were both a lot older than they were. That's how it was done in those days. My other brother was disowned when he began working as an entertainer in a tavern. You didn't dare disappoint my father. I didn't care about his name or any inheritance, but I cared about my mother.
"Each time he bid me to look for some fiend or creature, I dutifully looked. I spent an hour or two patrolling the area where a body or something suspicious had been discovered, then I went to visit my brother at the tavern."
"I thought you were a minister?" I just can't picture him drinking or even just relaxing in that environment.
"I was, but I was getting increasingly fed up with the title. In a way I was angry at God, because I was angry with my father. I had about a year and a half of restlessness and rebellion. I was a man who was still being treated like a boy by his domineering father. He was trying to convince me that I should take a wife, and he already had her picked out for me." He shudders. "Molly was a thirty-five year old widow in his congregation. She had seven children and a lot of land her late husband had left her.
"Father thought that if I wanted to settle down, I should at least marry a woman with wealth. So instead of going to Molly's bountiful bosom, I hunted vampires." He pauses and looks at me. I can't read his expression.
"I should have done things differently. I should have stood up to him. I loved my mother dearly, and I was afraid of being banned from her life. But my rebellion was cowardly. I broke every one of my father's rules, but I did it in a sneaky, underhanded way. I drank to the point of drunkenness, I gambled, and I cursed. And I found comfort in the arms of loose women. I wasn't the man I wanted to be.
"I hate to say, that my last days as a human were spent being someone I'm not, just to spite the man who sent me on a fool's errand. For three nights running, I hunted vampires for the early part of the evening, then I went to the tavern to drink and gamble. I bedded three different women whose names I could not remember in the morning. On the fourth night the vampires hunted me."
He stares at a spot on the floor, and I can feel his shame. "I don't know what interrupted him and kept him from finishing me. Maybe he was just too new and didn't know any better. He'd all but torn my throat out, and I knew I didn't have long to live. I managed to crawl away, and I sought out the graveyard, thinking foolishly that they wouldn't follow me onto hallowed ground. I died there among the tombstones.
"Of course you know how painful the change is. I had no reason to be brave, and I screamed all through the night. I was already among the dead, which thankfully kept living people away from me. It may have been unusual to hear someone wailing in the graveyard, but no one would investigate. I shouted at God about the unfairness of my death. I cursed my father and cried for my mother. In the end I was mute with agony, after begging for hours for mercy and forgiveness.
"In the cold light of a morning drizzle, I awoke. I didn't know why I wasn't dead, but it didn't take me long to feel the thirst. London is a city full of people, and I think I could smell each and every one of them. I heard hearts beating, and felt blood rushing all around me. I knew what I'd become, and I was convinced that God was punishing me for my rebellion. I ran as if my very soul depended on it. I passed close enough to people for them to see me, but I held my breath and looked straight ahead.
"Finally I was in the open countryside, and away from most temptations. I skulked through woods and across fields, and had no idea where I could go and be safe, or keep people safe from me. I lost track of time as the days and nights ran together. I was hiding in the woods when a herd of deer came near me. I was so ravenous, I snatched one before I even realized what I was doing. That first taste of blood..." he sighs. "It was warm, luscious, sweet, and fulfilling, and it left no doubt in my mind what I'd become. I was damned."
I try to just listen, but hearing him speak about it the same way Edward had, makes it impossible to just sit mutely holding his hand. I let go so I can put my arms around him.
"No... no Carlisle. You're not a monster. You're kind and good, and considerate, and you would never hurt anyone."
He pulls away from me and takes my hands in his. "Shh, It's okay Bella. I don't think like that anymore. I've moved beyond that old way of looking at myself." He smiles into my concerned face. "I was a twenty-three year-old prodigal son, and I felt that I'd been cursed for a very long time." He releases one hand and continues to hold the other. "I was so convinced that I was facing God's wrath, that I never went back home." I can see the pain on his face, and he doesn't try to hide it. "I never saw my family again. By the time I'd come to terms with what I'd become, they were all gone."
I pull him to me, and he doesn't resist this time. I hold him tight, without saying a word. I know his sadness is over three hundred years old, and I also know his sharing it with me is a peek behind the curtain of his life. He's giving me a glimpse of the man, when I've only known him as our family patriarch. I hold him tight, knowing I can't ease the pain he felt all those years ago. But I want him to know I appreciate what he's revealed.
When we separate, we stare at each other. I can see him in my mind, as a scared young man , caught up in misguided religious dogma. He touches my face so softly, then he leans in slowly to kiss me. I don't feel the crazy, passionate, arousal I'd experienced before, just his soft lips touching mine. He smiles as he leans back.
"You kiss different than Esme." His words send a cold shock through me. "Oh, please don't take it the wrong way... I'm not meaning to compare you. I don't mean to bring her up between us..." He moves his hands nervously as he talks. "I just mean... it's different... I like it." He looks embarrassed, and that charms me more than anything. He is new at this, and he's not the smooth operator I've always imagined him to be.
"Shh, it's okay. I'm not offended." He's tweaked my curiosity. "So, what's different? I mean I'm obviously not her, but I thought all kissing was basically the same."
He laughs. "Nowhere near the same." He looks at me, eye to eye. "You're more open. Esme didn't kiss open mouthed, unless we were making love. Oh no, now I've gone and introduced that image! I'm so sorry, I just want to talk about your kisses." He looks uncomfortable and I smile.
"I know you made love; we have really good hearing, remember? And I'm sure you're well aware that I made love with Edward. Those are facts that are not going to change." I put my hand on his face. "I like you like this. You're so different – not poised and confident like I've always seen you." I laugh softly. "You look like you're twenty-three, not three hundred and seventy-something."
"I'm three hundred and seventy five. My birthday was June tenth." His declaration surprises me.
"O-kay." I look at him and giggle. "I would have thought a man of your age would be a little bit smoother in situations like this."
"I... no. I told you I bedded women as a human. But the women were... they weren't exactly pros... I mean they didn't ask for money. But I bought them meals and drinks and spent money on them. And they rewarded me by lifting their skirts." He squeezes his eyes shut. "My memory is dim on the specifics of those couplings. After I was changed, I was chaste until Gabriella, and she was more experienced than I was. Then there was Esme – also a more experienced woman." His brow furrows. "I think I've simply relied on my partner to tell me what to do."
"Oh... " We stare at each other, then we both laugh.
He puts his arm around me. "Dear girl, we're not going to need to worry about this for some time. Courting doesn't involve sexual congress."
"What?" I remember to lower my voice.
He smiles mischievously. "I thought you would enjoy that term." He looks suddenly serious. "I'm not going to make love with you, Bella. Right now it's all I can think about, and one thing I pride myself on, is my self control."
"What if I want to?" The question escapes before I can censor myself. Sitting next to him, feeling my hand in his, and listening to him talk about his past and his experiences is nice. But hearing him admit that he thinks about making love to me to the point that it's challenging his control; excites me.
"I want to court you. That means spend time with you, take you out, talk with you, hold your hand, and steal the occasional kiss." He does just that. "I've had time to become the man I want to be, and he does not – will not – have sex merely to gratify a physical urge. I was in love with the two women I've been with since being changed. I want to court you. I already love you Bella, but I'm not in love with you, does that make sense?" He looks like he's again at a loss for words.
"I think I understand; you're a romantic." I smile and squeeze his hand. "I never would have guessed that about you."
"Why not?" He looks amused.
"Well, you've always been the one to make the decisions for the family. You always seemed so aloof and stern, and then there's that control you mentioned. Plus doctor's are scientists in a way. None of that sounds romantic to me." He's laughing even before I finish.
"Esme made the decisions for the family in most cases. She decided where we would live, she picked out the family home, and she even chose the schools. But truly, there were not many family decisions to be made once you joined us. You were all adults, and any decisions we made had to benefit us all.
"As far as seeming stern and aloof, I'll have to work on that." He smiles. "Part of that is just so I appear old enough for my profession. Which brings me to my next point; doctors may be scientists, but they're also humanitarians. I've always enjoyed taking care of people. The control is so much easier because I genuinely care about my patients, though I will lose every one of then." He looks momentarily tormented. "Even those I cure and keep healthy will die of old age."
"I don't know how you do it. I mean even if I could resist the blood, I don't think I could keep the right kind of distance. Their deaths would tear me up."
His eyes look so intense. "I don't worry about distance. Loss is part of living, and I've learned to accept it. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts, but it's natural. We're the ones who are unnatural. Part of the reason our losses hurt so much, is because we don't expect them. Humans know they're going to lose people they love. Sometimes it's sudden and unexpected, but it's always a possibility, no matter who they are."
We're quiet for a while. I don't think I could ever prepare for Edward's death, even if I was human.
"You're thinking about him." It's not a question it's a statement, like he can read my mind.
"Yes."
He sighs. "At least I hope it's a good memory."
"I don't think I could have ever prepared for his death." I admit.
He stands up and walks to the door. "I think I need to go now." He's about to leave, and I don't want him to go.
"Carlisle wait." He stops and looks my way. "I... listened to his music today in your car. It didn't hurt like I thought it would."
"I chose one of her paintings to hang in my room." We stare at each other. I suddenly feel ridiculous that we're both alone, and still letting them get between us.
"Would you mind hanging one in here?"
He smiles. "I'd like that." I hold out my hand to him, and he comes back and sits beside me.
"Would you hold me, or does that go against the whole courtship plan?" He pulls me against him, and I wrap my arms around him, and nestle my chin in the crook of his neck. "Tighter please." He crushes me to him, and I close my eyes. It feels good, and my fingers find his hair, and my hand smooths over his strong back.
"Careful Bella, I could get used to this."
"I hope so." I snuggle against him, as he relaxes his hold, and turns to look at me. "I was just thinking... if we had died in the war instead of them. And we were like... looking down on them. And we could see they were in the same position as we are now... feeling all the same conflicting emotions. Do you think we would want them to mourn or move on?"
"I would hope she would move on, but find it really difficult to replace me." He laughs, then turns serious. "If it was Edward, and he made her happy, I think I'd actually rest easier."
I press my cheek against his chest. "I spent a lot of time worrying that Edward would find someone else while he was alive. I never felt good enough for him. But if he was here instead of me, I would want him to be happy. And Esme would be better than Rosalie – I think I'd have to come back and haunt him if he did that." I laugh at the image in my mind.
"So, what are you getting at? Are you trying to decide if they would want us to be together?"
"I guess I am. Would they be upset, or would they want us to be happy?"
"I think you know the answer to that one. I'd actually spoken of it to Esme a long time ago. Not that I thought either of us would die, but since I was there when she was changed, I didn't want her to feel obligated to accept my attentions. I wanted her to know, I would understand if there was someone else who made her happy. She agreed she would want the same thing for me."
"I know Edward would want me to be happy. But I don't know if I would ever have been so magnanimous." Just thinking about it brings up something that's bothering me. "What about Colette?"
He laughs softly and pulls away. I hate feeling that even her name comes between us.
"Colette is just a child. She's got a little crush on me because her father thought we would make a good couple."
"I know, but what are you going to do about it?"
"There's really nothing to do about it. I'm sure it will run it's course and then she'll realize how silly the whole thing is. I'm not interested in her, if that's what worries you."
"I'm not worried about it. If you want to be with her, just be honest and I'll back off. But if you want to 'court' me, I'm pretty sure she's going to have something to say about it. I got the definite feeling tonight that she thought I was poaching on her preserve." He laughs at my observation.
"I confess I haven't done much to discourage Colette, though I haven't encouraged her either. She's misguided, and I had hoped that getting her away from Volterra would make her see things in a different light. Most of the attention she's wanted from me has been what a child might need from a parent. She needs approval, and guidance, and she craves physical connections. Some of the older hybrids were never touched as children. Some can't stand to be touched now, and some, like Colette, are trying to make up for the lack."
"That's part of the reason I'm so worried about her. I can't help but feel sorry for all she's been through. I don't want to make her feel like she's not welcome here. I can already see this is her home. But she looks at you as her future husband."
"That's not going to happen, and I've told her that much. She'll be starting school here in a month."
"You're sending her to high school?" I can already feel the skepticism I'd felt years ago when the subject came up for me and Edward. They went to New York without us, and they went to Dartmouth College, so there was no need to repeat high school. But I was told I may eventually have to go through those last four years again, to preserve appearances. It's part of the reason we'd decided to stay behind and live in the cabin while Ness was growing up.
"She'll be going to the University of Victoria, with Nahuel. You could go too, if you'd like." I'm not sure how to take his offer. He gives a small shake of his head. "The days of expecting everyone to go to high school are over, and the same goes for college. But it's not far from here, and it's a good opportunity. I've never regretted any of my education."
"I didn't think you went to school."
"Of course I do. I've got many degrees, and many of those mortar boards in Esme's shadow box are mine. I don't fit into high school, but I love college."
"I guess that's one more example of all I don't know about you." I smile. "Jasper and Alice aren't going to school?"
He shakes his head. "They probably won't be able to go again for a while. Alice is overburdened with her council duties. And Jasper is leading the Guard. Bella, going to school wasn't a burden for us, it was something we loved. It kept us current and in touch, and kept our minds sharp. There's a great temptation to become stagnate and detached. It happened in Volterra, and they paid a high price for it."
"Did they have to take us down with them?" I still feel the bitterness, choking me.
His arms tighten around me, and we're quiet. It surprises me how much I enjoy just holding him close. When we kiss, there's still the feeling of being disloyal to Edward. But wrapped in his arms, even in my bed, it feels just innocent enough for me to relax.
"I like this," I whisper. "Can we lie down like we did at the beach house?" His eyes meet mine.
"Trusting little thing, aren't you?"
"What do you mean?"
"When I lay beside you, I can feel your whole body pressed against mine, and it's very tempting."
"What about your superhuman control?"
"When it comes to blood, I know I'm not going to slip. But having a soft, beautiful, alluring, woman beside me... Bella I'm just a man."
His words send a little thrill through me. "Do I really get to you?" I bite my lip as he gazes at me.
"You know, I saw that self doubt in you for so long, I used to think you were pretending. You're beautiful Bella. You were a beautiful human girl, and now you're a beautiful woman." I turn away, embarrassed, but he gently turns my face back to his. "You are beautiful, and you are very tempting." He stares at me, and I can see the hunger in his look.
"You've got this whole dichotomy of being vulnerable and needy, while still being strong and resilient. Part of me wants to comfort and protect you, and part of me wants to... just take you and make you mine, consequences be damned – yes Bella you get to me!" My mouth drops open, and I just stare at him.
"Kiss me." My whispered words are barely out of my mouth, before he's kissing me breathless. I cling to him, and feel his soft, tender, kisses becoming more and more insistent. My mouth opens to him and I glory in the feel of his tongue teasing mine. My eyes drift closed, and I lose myself in the sensations of his mouth, his arms, and his body pressed against me. I feel him shift, and I go along with him until we're lying side by side in my bed.
It feels good being so close to him, and I can easily imagine making love with him. I can feel his restraint, as he tries to keep a little distance between us. He doesn't allow himself to relax against me, and I can feel his kisses are not as frenzied. The attraction I feel for him is still strong – I still want him – but it goes beyond the physical now. I look into his eyes and touch his face. He's a beautiful man, but I can see so much more than his beauty; more than the physical attraction. I stop and reluctantly pull away, and we gaze at each other.
"This is going to sound crazy, but I want to talk to you. I want to kiss you, and hold you, and do so much more... but I want to get to know you too." I can feel him relax a little with my words. "I'm worried that I'm substituting you for Edward, and I don't want to do that. I'm feeling so much so fast – you just overwhelm me." He laughs at that.
"I could say the very same things about you."
"You've got to be kidding me. I'm not the one who's three hundred and seventy-five. I must seem like a baby to you."
"Not really. I did get to see you go from being a girl to a woman, but I'd never call you a baby, especially now." He kisses me softly, and his fingers brush the hair from my face. "In all honesty, there's not a soul you could name who's not a baby next to me – unless you're talking about Aro and a few of the remaining ancients. I'm even older than the governments of Canada and the United States."
"That amazes me. You must have seen so many historical events that I've only read about."
"You would think. But unless something happened on a large scale, just like now you'd have to be at the right place at the right time. I did get to learn a lot from the actual newspapers, rather than history books. The most historical thing I saw, was President Lincoln giving the Gettysburg Address. I happened to be in Pennsylvania at the time, and I wanted a look at the man who presided over such a bloody civil war."
I'm in awe of his first hand memory. "What did you think of him?"
"I must say, the one thing I liked, was that he was fairly brief and well-spoken. But to be honest, I was prepared to dislike him. I worked throughout the war in hospitals and prison camps, taking care of soldiers who'd been injured and lost limbs in battles and skirmishes on both sides. In fact, I owned officer's uniforms from both sides, so I could treat patients no matter which color they wore."
He catches my look of wonder and smiles. "This is a lot to take in, isn't it?" He sighs. "It's one thing to say I'm three hundred and seventy-five, but when you start to put it into perspective historically, it's a whole new feeling. I felt the same way when I spoke to Aro or Vladmir and Stefan. To hear them talk about the crusades as if they happened last week, or mention someone they lost in the inquisition, it makes me feel like a baby."
"So, what was the best time in history? I mean if you could go back." I watch the emotions cross his face.
"If I could go back... I'd go back to when I was changed. I'd see my family again." I press my cheek to his as I hold him. When he pulls away he smiles sadly. "Actually, that wasn't a very good time in history.
"To be honest, right now is the best time to be alive. I've seen times in history where there was great human suffering: Wars, famine, disease, oppressive governments and poverty. All things considered, modern times are treating people well. The medical field alone makes me glad I've been able to see this age. There are so many things that used to kill people by the thousands, that are no longer a problem. Women used to have a much shorter life expectancy than men, because they died so often in childbirth." We share a look as we both remember that I myself 'died' in childbirth.
"I treated people with polio, when there was nothing to be done but watch them suffer. The Spanish Influenza affected one fifth of the Earth's population and killed millions. But even simple infections could kill or cause amputation. People died of venereal diseases, and cancer was always a death sentence. Birth defects were just something a child learned to live with, if they didn't kill them. Premature babies almost always died, and if a child made it to his fifth birthday, he'd navigated the most dangerous part of his life. And don't get me started on the folk remedies..."
My laughter interrupts him. "I had no idea you were so passionate about your calling. I mean I knew you were caring and compassionate, but I guess I just thought that medicine was something you did to fill a role. You know, some way to make your family look more respectable when you first move into an area."
He looks at me with his brow furrowed. "I love what I do Bella. I mean I really love it. I would want to be a doctor, even if there was no pay involved. In fact I did just that many times throughout my life. It's one of the things Esme and I fought over, more than any other. She was never my first love – it was always my patients."
It startles me to hear him say that. It's hard to believe that they ever argued. And it's even harder to believe he would put someone before her.
"I guess I should give you fair warning as well. I will put the life of a patient above any romantic engagement you could dream up. I know it's not fair, and she used to get so angry with me. It wasn't so bad before the telephone, when the only way for me to hear news was through a messenger. But she hated the telephone, and cell phones were her greatest nemesis. I've left her at the symphony to deliver a baby. I stepped out of our anniversary celebration to tend to a gunshot wound. I even came back from the island after a train wreck. I take my work very seriously."
"How is it that you've got time now?" I wonder how it would feel for him to suddenly get up and leave. Considering how many times doctors did that for me, how could I quibble?
"I don't have a practice here. Not yet anyway." He pulls me close. "Maybe it's not fair for me to want something more. Maybe I should just give myself over to medicine entirely. After Esme died, that's what I did. For the last two years I've been in Volterra, being Doctor Cullen twenty-four/seven. It's nice to take a break, but I do worry about my patients."
"You did say there were a lot of problems to face, and that this might not work out. I'll be honest, I don't play second fiddle well." He looks a little dejected at my words. "But I'm also low maintenance, and I can understand the value you put on your patient's lives. It might take some getting used to, since Edward was always so devoted and available to me."
His smile confuses me in the light of what I've said. When I ask, he kisses me exuberantly. "You're already thinking like part of a couple. You're not looking at it as my problem, but one we share. And you said his name without looking as if you were going to choke on it." He holds me tight and the space between us disappears. I feel his body against mine and it takes my breath away with how intimate it feels.
"Bella..." He whispers my name through my hair. "...you make me feel so good... so alive." I close my eyes and just feel him, just breathe his scent and let my hands move over his back. I'm getting used to him, and he's wearing away my resistance.
He looks me in the eyes and he's so close I could kiss him. "I don't know if this is going to work between us. I never would have thought to get over the pain of a relationship by starting another one. But I want to help you get through it. I want to show you that it's okay to trust and to feel again. As much as I would have fought to heal your body when you were human, Bella I want to heal your heart." His kiss feels like a promise, and I lose myself in it – in him.
As the sun rises and stretches it's first rays through the window, we're still nestled together. I've spent hours in his arms, feeling like I belong there. My body is molded to his, and my face rests against his cheek. It's as close to sleep as we can come, and he "wakes" me with a kiss.
"Come on, let's go." I'm confused, since we still have a lot of time before we're leaving. "No one else is up yet, and I've got something I want to show you." I feel strangely abandoned when he moves his body away from mine. We get up and I open my closet, but he shakes his head and leads me out of my room, still in the rumpled clothes from the day before.
We have the kind of stealth necessary to sneak out of the house unnoticed by anyone but Jasper and Huilen.
Out the back door, he leads me toward the lake. It glistens like glass, and I absorb the quiet of the morning. The air feels crisp and there's even dew on the grass. We circle the lake, as the first fish break the surface in search of their insect breakfast. I smile, remembering how Dad loves the crack of dawn when he fishes.
Carlisle leads me past the lake and he takes my hand as we navigate a small pathway into the trees. I remember all the times we've hunted together, and though we're moving quick, we're not stalking or chasing prey. When he stops, we're about a hundred yards from a rocky overlook.
He points at a tall tree, and I can see the bald eagle's nest in it's branches. Even as I watch, an eagle soars and lands. With my vision can see the two fledgelings snapping up the food the parent has provided.
"They'll be leaving the nest by the end of the summer. Almost half of them don't survive their first flight." He wraps his arm around my waist as we stare at the nest. "It takes them five years to mature, and when they mate, they mate for life." I put my arm around him. He's not as slim as Edward, but I like his solid feel.
"If one of the pair dies, the other one won't hesitate to take a new mate." I look away from the nest and meet his eyes.
"Are you trying to compare us to birds?"
He laughs. "No, but it is interesting. Even Canadian Geese, which are known for mating for life, will take another mate if one dies. I find it oddly comforting, that nature doesn't allow her children to be alone in the world."
I hold him a little tighter. "You really are a romantic."
He looks down at me and smiles. "Guilty as charged." His smile fades. "I only hope I'm not building something here because I'm lonely."
"If you are, then you've had an accomplice. Wait, that didn't come out right. I mean... I don't just feel loneliness, I feel..." He turns and pulls me hard against him, then he kisses me.
The sun is fully up, an hour later when we make it back to the house. I duck around Jasper's curious gaze and run for the shower. I can smell breakfast food cooking, and hear everyone awake in the kitchen. It doesn't take me long to get ready, and I spend a little more time packing up for Italy. We'll be leaving from the U.S., so I make sure I have everything I'll need.
On my dresser there's a folded paper that wasn't there before. It's crisp stationery. I open it and read the unfamiliar writing.
Sonnet for Marie
A fragile soul trips briefly through my life.
With father's care I mend her wounded smile.
Then watch with joy as she becomes his wife.
They fly away to land upon the Isle.
Returning soon with worry, fear, and pain.
I feel as if I'm carrying the world
So much to lose for something small to gain.
Her change brings forth a precious baby girl.
Now brokenhearted lost within her grief.
I know the bitter ache she feels inside.
The time within her arms is all too brief.
And truth within my heart I cannot hide.
Like the crocus pushing through the snow
My love for thee continues on to grow.
I've never had a man write me poetry before. Edward had written me a lullaby, and this feels so similar it touches my heart. I want to go and find him, but I can hear that we're getting ready to pack up and leave.
I've got one suitcase, and the gifts for Ness and the children. As we all pile out of the house, the baby is fastened into the car seat of the SUV, and Gemma and Nahuel flank her. Huilen easily slips into the seat behind them, and Carlisle takes the driver's seat. As Jasper stows my suitcase, Colette alights in the seat beside Carlisle. She buckles in with a smile, and her eyes flick to mine with just a touch of possessiveness.
"Come on, Bella." Jasper takes my hand, and opens the door of the Maserati for me. "You don't want to ride with the kids anyway." I feel strange sitting beside him as he expertly pulls the Maserati onto the road behind the full SUV. "We should make the ferry and be at La Push just after noon. Tomorrow, Nahuel will drive back home with Gemma, Huilen, and Karina, and we'll fly out of Port Angeles."
It's quiet as Edward's music plays over the stereo. It strikes me as odd that I've only ridden with Jasper driving one time – back when James wanted me dead. He's much calmer now.
"So, are you ready to talk about it yet?" His voice is soft, and he barely glances my way.
"Talk about what?" I know he can't read my mind.
"Are you ready to talk about the way you feel about Carlisle? Don't look so surprised, I'd have to be blind not to see it – or feel it as the case may be."